Just one more day

Mornings tend to be easier for me sickness-wise. This morning however I’ve woken up feeling pretty sick. It would be one of those days where I really do just want to stay in bed and funnily enough, I know a few more hours in bed would probably help me but I can’t bare staying at home with SIL1. Especially as recently all she and GC have done is passive aggressively get back at each other. I’d say I’m stuck in the middle but I’m not. Of course I side with GC but I actually, by his side, tend to get blamed for this tension because they believe it wasn’t there before but GC tells me differently and I actually don’t fuel this fire. I’ve many times tried to calm it down.

I don’t actually mind having to get up early everyday, I also am not that bothered by the 5 minute walk or the 5 minute wait for the bus into town and I really enjoy bus rides. The worst part of my morning is the 15-20 minute wait in town for the next bus. If I get a later bus into town, it’s likely I’ll miss the bus to my dad’s so I have no choice. Where the bus stop is also means I don’t have much time to go to a shop to keep warm. The shops that are around I could keep warm in are a 3-5 minute walk in the opposite direction which means I could barely wait in them before I’d have to leave again. If it’s windy, the wind hits the bus stop pretty bad to make it extra cold.

When I don’t want to face this because I’ve been feeling ill or run down, I’ll text my dad at 7:30am to pick me up. If I don’t text by 8:30am, he’s head home from dropping my brother off and I have to get the bus. Today would have been one of those days where I probably would have text him but I used one of my pick ups (I give myself max 2 a week unless I have been very ill) and tomorrow my dad is picking GC and I up at 9am for my first sonogram.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel. I am just glad I will get visual confirmation if I’m pregnant because when I first found out I was pregnant, I looked up false positives and there are a few things that can cause false positives which is why I don’t think I’ve truly wrapped my head around the idea I’m pregnant.

For the first scan, you have to drink I think it’s 2 litres of non-caffeinated drink about an hour before the scan. Now I’ve actually had the type of scan to check my ovaries etc and it wasn’t the easiest to not go to the bathroom then. But now, when I’m pretty sure the baby is pressing on my bladder (or at least something is) I can barely have a sip of a drink without needing the toliet 5 minutes later so holding this is going to be hard.

GC has been stressed about work and has been looking forward to this all week. I have too but once I am on the second bus to my dad’s I don’t consider myself too stressed out. I’ll post pictures of the scan tomorrow.

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Arguments

Yesterday, I questioned how much stress is too much stress for the baby? The events that caused this were pretty mundane.

I finished yesterday’s blog on the bus and only had about a paragraph to write so it didn’t take me that long. I rarely check facebook again once I am out of the house because it’s pretty bleak usually on there and I actually dislike a lot of people on there but to stop arguments I couldn’t unfriend them.

But after I finished yesterday’s blog I went back on facebook and SIL1 had literally waited until the moment I walked out the door. I mean literally the moment to post a status on facebook saying that GC and I (her actual phrasing was ‘other people in the house’) don’t clean up after ourselves; expect her to do it; it upsets her. Basically blaming us. Now number 1, I have not even been on that side of the house since before Christmas so I don’t know what mess I was supposed to have made and number 2, my partner doesn’t even go on that side much. Just to the kitchen where he cooks (because I literally cannot face cooking my own meals) but I know he cleans up after himself. And last night’s plates? They were in our room because she does shit like this or bitches about it if we leave it by the sink to clean the next day.

So I wanted to go through the roof. I wanted to reply to her status saying how I don’t even go on that side of the house and she knows that because she always complains about it. How GC always cleans up after himself. How she doesn’t work, isn’t actually a “fully time mommy” like she puts on her facebook employment bit because her child goes to school. She pretty much has at least 5 and a half hours where she could clean the house. But she doesn’t. How the garden was a tip until very recently filled with rubbish bags and furniture because nobody could be bothered to drag it to the curb. She goes to the gym, yes but she didn’t yesterday and then will spend the rest of the day complaining about all her ‘aches and pains’ that are worse than anyone elses. But I know GC didn’t want me to say anything. I sat on the bus for a few minutes trying to figure out what I wanted to do. I needed to rant. I needed to get it off my chest.

I opened the wordpress app to rant again. But closed it down thinking it too petty. GC was at work and I knew I had 15 minutes until he was on break and I figured I could send a bunch of ranting texts before he got on break and see if I felt calmed down afterwards. He went on his break early I figured because he began texting me. My dad knowing about this situation with SIL1 has said I always have a place with him and so has GC if he wants it. But GC has turned it down, saying it’s too far from work. My dad did offer to take him but I get his point, he probably doesn’t want to put my dad out so much. I as a semi-joke said “why don’t we move in with my dad?” and GC said “I’d understand if you needed to”. Anyway, we spoke some more and I said how this stress that she was causing wasn’t good for the baby and GC said something and if you took it the wrong way it could have implied that it was my fault for getting stressed out over something so trivial. So I got angry at him. Told him I can only do so much to help this baby, I know everyone thinks I’m doing a bad job, but you try it. Etc. Then he rang me, we argued more and I hung up saying I was waiting for the bus.

I actually calmed down on the bus, I just retreated to my fantasy world. But I did begin to wonder about the stress. Now firstly, I’m unmedicated at the moment. Due to the problems with the lithium I was taken off that and probably for only 1-2 weeks of the pregnancy I was on the lowest doses of lamotrigine and prozac but I took myself off those after finding out I was pregnant. The last thing I need right now is stress. We said we’d revise meds if need be in the 2nd trimester. I’ve been feeling a little depressed on and off anyway and I really don’t need unnecessary stress triggering any bipolar or even bpd stuff for me.

I began to wonder if moving to my dad’s was seriously the best decision and I know in the back of my head it is. At this time I was still mad at GC, I did re-read our text argument during this time and realise that actually I had just read too much into it. But I was still pissed that he wouldn’t say anything because his brother is his boss which I get but still.

I got worked up again when I got into my dad’s car. I know I shouldn’t have but I ranted for at least an hour straight but always ended back to ranting if we changed the topic. I was pissed. GC wanted to ring me at lunch but I didn’t want to talk.

I eventually went in my room and watch criminal minds and I began thinking as I was watching about what I should do. If I moved back to my dads, I wouldn’t have to leave the house everyday and could stay in bed watching criminal minds like I really, really want to do. Just for one day, a binge. I wouldn’t have the stress of her moaning literally all the time. I could sleep past 8:30am. All stuff that is good for the baby.

If I do move back though, I wouldn’t see the person I love and the father of my child. 

I mean staying or leaving would be unnecessary stress but I honestly don’t know which trade off is worse.

GC and I texted when he was out of work and he was under the impression (due to what I’d said that was pretty ambiguous) I wouldn’t be coming home last night. I was on the bus home when he finally realised that I was. He’d been pretty upset about the fact I wasn’t all day. I realised then just how unhappy he’d be if I did leave and I knew I wouldn’t be happy.

So I left it like this: if SIL1 does one more thing to stress me out then for the sake of the baby and my mental health I’m going back to my dads.

I still don’t know which thing is really the better option. It’s a very difficult situation.

One Day of Rest

I spend a lot of times on buses.
When you’re pregnant, you’re not necessarily recommended to eat healthily. Before I got pregnant I was 9stone 6lbs on average. I lost a lot of weight in the first two months. I was pretty ill before I got pregnant, I was having body jerks which was a lot of exercise and I thought the run down-ness I was feeling was because of that and the kidney damage I had. To quickly explain the kidney damage, when the lithium got to a place of toxicity it damaged the mesh on my kidneys that kept protein and bacteria out and my doctor said it should heal on it’s own but it can take a while.
Anyway, I got down to about 8stone 13pounds before my partner (mainly because of breast tenderness) recommended I take a pregnancy test and to be honest, whilst we had had unprotected sex before I thought there was no way in hell I was pregnant. But there it was 2 lines on the pregnancy test. So we went out on a Sunday about 10pm at night and walked quite a distance to buy more pregnancy tests. We bought 3. I took two that night (a cheap one and a clearblue) and a cheap one the next morning and they all came up positive with the clearblue saying I was 2-3 weeks which after I looked it up on the internet actually meant I was 4-5 weeks-ish because they go on the first day of your last period which is typically two weeks prior and since I couldn’t really remember when mine was I made a rough guess.
I’d been suffering from nausea but since finding out I was pregnant I began to force myself to eat which made the nausea worse in general and meant that at the lowest weight in my pregnancy I got to 8 stone. When I actually began to throw up, I knew I couldn’t take it and neither could the baby so I went to the doctors, onto the hospital and onto anti-sickness tablets but because of all of this and the fact I have low blood pressure – I was told to continue taking my pre-natal multivitamin and try to eat more fat-filled foods and have the daily recommended intake of salt. So my breakfast when I get up at 8:30am in the morning tends to be a packet of salt and vingear or ready salted crisps.
A few months ago between dropping out of school and SIL1 and niece1 coming back, I had a pretty sweet set up. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday I rode the bus to my dad’s and Wednesday I stayed in with the dog, Brandy and we watched TV, rested and did chores. I got up all the days I went to my dad’s at 8:45am and just before it got too cold I made an effort to look okay. I loved Wednesday’s though and didn’t realise how much needed they were until now. I’d stay in bed all morning, watch TV until I then would tidy our two rooms (and nothing more since we rarely went in them and never left a mess) and do the laundry. I’d catch up on phone calls and emails and it was all in all very chill.
When they came back from Canada, for the first week I made myself scarce because it was their family time and I would have felt awkward either staying in my room or coming out and hanging out with them. 
I’m pretty sensitive to any type of criticism – even vague, not-even-criticism-to-most-people kinda criticism so when GC told me that SIL1 had said that I didn’t like her because I didn’t come in the room with them, I decided I wasn’t even going to bother.
She was annoying before she left and she’s annoying now. 
So my new morning schedule is to get up at 8:30am, eat, check Facebook to see it SIL1 has posted anything about what she’s doing because if she posts her morning onto there then I know whether she is or isn’t coming home after she drops her kid off at school. At 8:45am, get ready to go out and I’m usually done with that at 9am and then I will sit with the door slightly ajar to hear if she comes back. If she does, I don’t have to worry about bumping into her coming out of the house (as I changed the bus stop I went to so I didn’t have to go down to the school) and if she doesn’t then I don’t have to worry about her calling me just as I’m about to leave. So I’m always torn as to whether I want her home before I leave.
I then walk down to the bus stop and probably wait about 5 or so minutes for the earliest bus I can catch for free due to my disability bus pass which only starts working at 9:30am. I travel for about 30 minutes into town where I walk to the next bus stop and wait (usually in the cold and today the wet) for 15-20 minutes for the next bus which is about an hour to my dads. I spend time at my dads, maybe actually get some peace and some sleep. I then leave at 3:45pm to catch the bus back to town (and that bus is usually late) and then another 30 minutes home where GC and I meet.
I miss those Wednesday’s and since I’m ill and pregnant, I really need them. But it’s more stressful for me to stay then it is to leave every morning.
So yeah, I spend a lot of time of buses.

Swearing increases your pain tolerance

There is a certain four-letter word that evokes much emotion, is often uttered by mothers giving birth, and whose usage by humans is thought to be evolutionarily adaptive: f___!

According to a new study by British researchers, saying the F word or any other commonly used expletive can work to reduce physical pain — and it seems that people may use curse words by instinct. Indeed, as any owner of a banged shin, whacked funny bone or stubbed toe knows, dancing the agony jig — and shouting its profane theme tune — are about as automatic as the response to a doctor’s reflex hammer.

To figure out why, psychologists at Britain’s Keele University recruited 64 college students and asked them to stick their hands in a bucket of ice water and endure the pain for several minutes. One group was allowed to repeat a curse word of their choice continuously while their hands were in the water; another group was asked to repeat a non-expletive control word, such as that which might be used to describe a table. The result was that swearing not only allowed students to withstand the discomfort longer, but also reduced their perception of pain intensity. Curse words, the study found, help you cope.

“Swearing increases your pain tolerance,” says Richard Stephens, a psychologist and lead author of the study, which was published this week in the journal NeuroReport. Although the experiment’s initial hypothesis was inspired by anecdotal evidence from some pain researchers that swearing was actually a maladaptive behavior that served only to make things worse, Stephens’ findings showed exactly the opposite. “The No. 1 priority is to make the pain go away. If [swearing] made the pain worse, that would be illogical,” Stephens says, adding that you hardly need a scientific study to bear out the theory.

That’s probably because humans are hardwired to swear cathartically, says Steven Pinker, a Harvard psychologist and author of The Stuff of Thought, an exploration of the psychology of language. Pinker distinguishes cathartic cursing from using profanity descriptively, idiomatically, abusively or for emphasis, and points to similar behavior in animals that suggests its evolutionary roots. If you step on a dog or cat’s tail, it will let out a sharp yelp of pain, for example. “Swearing probably comes from a very primitive reflex that evolved in animals,” Pinker says. “In humans, our vocal tract has been hijacked by our language skills,” so instead of barking out a random sound, “we articulate our yelp with a word colored with negative emotion.”

The part of the brain that accounts for the urge to swear — or yelp, in the case of animals — is deep within, suggesting its primitiveness. Studies of non-human primates show that vocalization is nearly always attributed to subcortical processes in the brain, in those regions that control primal, raw emotions, says Diana Van Lancker Sidtis, a professor of speech language pathology and audiology at New York University. In humans too, the urge to swear likely stems from primitive parts, but it is usually overridden by commands from the brain’s more complex cortex — the abundant gray matter on which humans rely for language and reason, among other sophisticated abilities. “We have intact frontal lobes, which inhibit these responses,” Sidtis explains. But in certain circumstances — either because we don’t bother to inhibit them or because the shock of pain or discomfort momentarily surpasses the safeguards — our impulse for obscenity takes over. “In that way, it’s like the dog when you step on his tail,” Sidtis says.

It may be that swearing serves as an alarm bell, triggering the body’s fight-or-flight response, as Stephens postulates in the study. He and his colleagues found that when study participants used expletives, their heart rates were consistently higher than when they were repeating non-obscene control words — a physiological response that

is consistent with fight or flight. But while it is typically fear that triggers the stress response, Stephens suggests the salient emotion in this case is not fear but aggression. “In swearing, people have an emotional response, and it’s the emotional response that actually triggers the reduction of pain,” says Stephens, whose next step is to research the relationship between induced aggression and reduction of pain. (In past studies, the opposite has been found: higher levels of pain tolerance predict heightened aggression.)

But before you go yelling four-letter words at every turn, consider this: in Stephens’ study, swearing reduced the perception of pain more strongly in women than in men. That may be because in daily life “men swear more than women,” says Pinker, which could have the unfortunate side effect of dulling the natural painkiller. “[For women] I suspect that swearing retains more of an emotional punch because it has not been overused,” he says.
Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1913773,00.html#ixzz2SH0F10ha

Uncontrollable. Depression symptoms of bipolar.

The one thing I will never get used to with bipolar disorder is the little control over emotions I have. It’s so unpredictable and uncontrollable and I think that’s one of the things that drives me mad. Like today and last night. I wasn’t doing anything particularly sad and I just began to get tearful and then an hour or so later I was just crying and I couldn’t figure out why. I still don’t know. It was on and off. I was crying when dad got up, after he asked what was wrong and I told him to leave me alone. I then at 7am got up to print off the homework I was going to do in the car but the internet wasn’t working and after 4 failed attempts trying to get it work, I yelled whilst walking past my dad: “That’s it. I am 700% done with today and it hasn’t even started yet” and jumped back into bed.

I made up with my dad because instead of yelling at me to go to school, he asked if I was going and through these unexplained, uncontrollable tears I said I wasn’t. I then couldn’t figure out whether this was more depression or mixed episode. I only really noticed when anger creeps in that I’m in a mixed episode but I’ve never had uncontrollable crying before that wasn’t explained. So obviously, googled it. Turns out it is just an extension of depression. But I found a pretty conclusive list of depression symptoms:

Depression is considered one of the primary symptoms of bipolar disorder. However, it is actually a set of symptoms characteristic of one aspect of bipolar disorder. An episode of depression, as it relates to bipolar disorder, is the downswing in a mood cycle. An episode of depression is debilitating, often leaving the sufferer completely dysfunctional. It is an extreme emotional state that impairs daily living. There are a number of warning signs — red flags –- that you or someone you love may be experiencing depression. These symptoms of depression are organized into broad categories for easier reference. It is important to note that depression is experienced differently from one person to the next so not all symptoms will present for all individuals.

Changes in Activity or Energy Level

  • Decreased energy
  • Fatigue
  • Lethargy
  • Diminished activity
  • Insomnia or hypersomnia
  • Loss of interest in pleasurable activities
  • Social withdrawal

Physical Changes Caused by Depression

  • Unexplained aches and pains
  • Weight loss or gain
  • Decreased or increased appetite
  • Psychomotor agitation or retardation

Emotional Pain of Depression

  • Prolonged sadness
  • Unexplained, uncontrollable crying
  • Feelings of guilt
  • Feelings of worthlessness
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Despair
  • Hopelessness
  • Helplessness

Difficult Moods Associated with Depression

  • Irritability
  • Anger
  • Worry/anxiety
  • Pessimism
  • Indifference
  • Self-critical

Changes in Thought Patterns due to Depression

  • Inability to concentrate
  • Indecision
  • Memory problems
  • Disorganized

Preoccupation with Death

  • Thoughts of death
  • Suicidal ideation
  • Feeling dead or detached

After, I slept a little and woke up with infected gums. The infection in my gums always comes and goes. Rather annoying.

I just get so frustrated over the little control. I don’t mind losing control when I know the trigger. But there was no trigger to this crying. I don’t even get how it happens.

So I fall down the hole…

Before I actually start my blog I’d like just say how sorry I am for not writing or posting the daily LOL yesterday. I will explain why in my blog.

So the actual blog:

Yesterday, I watched two programs (well 3 but it was 2 episodes of one series)  and fell asleep for an hour. When I awoke I was over whelmingly depressed. Like I couldn’t get out of bed depressed. So I began to moan when my dad asked to leave the safe and kind sancity of my bed for the miserable and unknowing walls of school. But my opinion is short lived as he eventually gets me out and I leave for that Hellish place. I think I may have figured out why my dad just distances himself from my situation though, I think it pains him to see me in bed and he’d rather have me in school where he can’t see it than in the room next to him. But it always causes me immense amount of emotional pain to be there. I find that everyone there irritates me in some way and the happy mood and ADHD traits of JLS put me in nothing but further down the dark hole I’m already living in. I sometimes just marvel at how much I change. From loving everything in life to wishing I was no longer alive. I then find things to make myself worse just because this feeling really hurts and sometimes I’m just numb to it and I hate that too. But the reason I didn’t write anything is because I was too depressed to move, to get out of bed. I’m not a lot better now but I felt like you all needed an update on how I am and this mood change so you know that the excuse I shall give when I forget to write is that one.

Today, I fell asleep at 2am and woke up at 5am – I bet some of you are thinking “Woo she slept” but please hold back on the cake because I still had a nightmare. Not a bad one, well it was a bad one but on the scale of bad dreams 1 being tickled and 10 being my usual reptitive memory nightmare it rated about a 7 because it still made me have anxiety symptoms. But anyway, I dreamt I lost all my teeth and was spitting them out and before anyone begins trying to decipher this dream, I know this dream is about me worrying I’ll lose my teeth because I always forget to brush them before I sleep. It’s because I drink water and I don’t like mixing the two and I always say I’ll brush them but end up falling asleep and I’m worried I’m going to lose them. But I’ve started just brushing them at about 2am and to hell with the water. But I did something stupid this morning. Probably because I was very tired I didn’t think it through properly. I was supposed to take my amoxcillin at 10pm last night but forgot so to avoid getting in to trouble I took it at 5am and my dad not knowing this gave me another one and I just used to taking the pills given, take it without looking, for all I know my dad is slowly posioning me – of course I doubt the validty of this claim. So this worsens my stomach pain that I’ve been having and makes me nauseous. I did debate going home at break time but I was interested in the next thing I did. This morning being not my usual classes but sessions on my future. I’ll take a picture of the timetable of the sessions I had today and upload it later. Basically 9:00am – 9:45am was Apprenticeship which if you’re not familiar with the term is when instead of continuing on to A Levels after GCSEs you can leave at 16 to a workplace where you’ll be paid a small wage and pick up skills as you work but you don’t gain the same qualifications as you do if you went to A Levels and Degrees however you do gain ones equivelent. Then 9:45am to 10:30am was NHS jobs which wasn’t as helpful as I’d of liked but, I didn’t mind. 11:00am to 11:45am was univesity things more about the personal side of it like housemates and your choices there and course and she really made it sound good. So anyone who was torn between apprenticeships and school (like I am) has an even harder time deciding. But at least I have all the facts and I have until November to decide. So when I make my final decision you, my friends will be the first ones to know.

After that was normal lessons. But they just bring me down. Especially as I feel like I bring other people down, well JLS more than anyone. Her brothers and sisters and mum have ADHD and she hasn’t been fully diagnosed ADHD but she and I have both noticed ADHD tendencies and because she’s not fully deemed ADHD she could develop depression due to it. I’ve never seen ADHD and depression in a person so I don’t know how it presents itself but she thinks it’s due to her family problems. But I don’t think being around me helps. Mrs BG (the blond lady) told my dad something a long the lines of that JLS has problems too and I shouldn’t unload onto her. I actually don’t. But I’m not going to say a word now. Plus she doesn’t understand and is hardly the most empathetic or sympathetic person in the World. Like today, I didn’t want to walk past M TD because his face annoys me and I saw him this morning and he spoke to me but I equated his face at that point to my cartoon version of the Devil, it was a fairy unconcious act but it made me smile. JLS doesn’t understand that just because she thinks it’s funny to tell the teacher what I say, I don’t think it is. With the depression more intense and my migiranes and stomach a thousand times worse, I don’t know how much of that damned school I can tolerate.

Another example of how bad it is: Mrs BG told my form tutor Mrs AY to be leinant with my lateness. She was for the first week after being told. But she’s completely stopped now and put me on report. The reason I am late is because they have told the smokers not to smoke in their usual place, which is on the corner well away from the line of people walking so now they walk a little way up the pavement and always manage to stop at my dad’s car so I can’t get out because there’s a crowd and if i go in it I have a panic attack and then I really am late for school. Also if I wanted to be really pathetic I could moan about the chance of me getting lung cancer walking through second hand smoke everyday but it is a rather childish argument to make. My dad is going to write a letter and I’m passive protesting by not getting it signed. I will take a picture of that too and upload it so you can see. Speaking of Mrs BG though, I told her I want to quit textiles and she said I should get a letter from my dad and she’ll talk to my textiles teacher but I know what my textiles teacher is going to say. She’ll say she’ll give me more time. But I hardly see the point of doing a subject I’m getting and she expects me to be getting a C in when I could be doing maths revision to which I need to get, for my own personal happiness a B overall. I struggle with maths now, never used to. But I do now especially since the insomnia and bipolar kicked in. So revising is my best option. I’m going to put up a snapshot of the grades my dad got sent. I agree with just about all of them. Except sociology. I got As on both my exams. I should be on an A. I’m currently trying to forward that email to my email so I can upload it on here. Just to say, ‘I’m still succeeding sorta at school’.

I’m currently trying to do my homew

ork. It’s a 6 mark practice exam question. The question being:

The periodic table is the way chemists arrange the elements. Explain how the elements in the periodic table are arranged and describe the contributions of Dobereiner, Newla

nds and Medeleev in discovering this table.

I keep getting distracted. I wonder by what. I’m working from a periodic table, I’ll upload a snapshot of that too…. I might need to make a list.

Currently, I’m depressed but not deeply. Moderately but on a slow decline down to deep depressed. This migraine isn’t helping either.

Before I release the pictures, I have some ideas for my blog and just wanted to see how ridiculous they sounded. Firstly, I somehow open a shop and link it to my blog. The point of it is more to showcase and get rid of the scoobies and bracelets that I made and to raise money for university and the medication I’ll have to pay for then. Also, I know I’m putting a lot on myself. Especially as I haven’t even made my ‘Secret’s Day’ card yet. But each week I use the templates from textiles to create a new outfit, take a picture. Upload it on to here and when the book I plan to buy and stick the designs in gets full sell it on said site, it’s either my worst or best idea ever.

So pictures now:

For those of you who have never seen a periodic table…

 

My homework results…