Improvements.

I can safely say lithium is helping. Unfortunately though it brings to light the fact a lot of other unhealthy facets such as the paranoia and dissociation are not going to be cured by the lithium. The lithium is still making my thyroid unwell and have yet to get that treated and you may be wondering why, after all this time, is no treatments being made? I had another blood test after the blog post and had to wait for the results of that for about two weeks because there was no copy sent to the doctor, only the psychiatrist and it wasn’t until we saw the community psychiatric nurse (CPN) that i actually got my results and lo and behold, my hypothyroidism is worse. But they wouldn’t treat it until the psychiatrist spent an extra two weeks looking at past blood tests trying to figure out why. I mean the why is great but at this point in time just treat the illness. But apparently I will have to go for endocrinology tests as well. So physically I have been worse than ever. I mean I have energy but I just am in pain a lot of the time with my joints, being cold etc. It’s awful.

The improvement in my mood coupled with the work with the groups I’m with, my confidence also boosted which is great but left me open to other issues. For example, increase in confidence means I’ve been more inclined to go out and contact people. I spent time with EH on Easter and we’ve got unofficial plans to go to London with our brothers and her parents. But it was actually that Sunday that caused problems. As EH’s dad drove into her drive, there were a group of people outside and one of the was RH who I wrote about several years ago who had a crush on my then best friend. Well we were friends then too and I messaged him saying: “saw you nerd B)” and that led to a discussion of when how etc and we agreed to make up and I could rewrite what happened but long story short we went to second base and it was weird because he liked my best friend and now here he is, kissing me. But afterwards I was over the moon but this relationship my confidence opened up had now caused this massive source of stress for me.

The reason being I’m incredibly insecure and have invented all the reasons why he doesn’t like me and why he’s better off with someone else and that comes from my personality problems. I am mistrustful and needy of attention and whilst this is like 95% personality problems, it’s annoying. I don’t think I will let this relationship last very long because it’s causing me to have a lot of emotional issues.

In other news, I have plans with friends, have been on quite a residential but have been having some problems with my psychiatrist. But I’m trying to focus on my recovery so let’s stay away from psychiatrist talk.

I think the thing no one prepares you for when you begin recovering is actually how to manage it. For example the last time I was functioning to a moderately healthy degree was when I was 14 and navigating the change in maturity in yourself when you are well is difficult. When I was depressed I didn’t want to do anything and now I’m better I want to have friends and see them and I feel like I’m trying to make up for 4 lost years in that amount of time. I think had I been forced to enter adulthood and living alone and working whilst still bipolar I would have eventually managed to find some balance between social stuff and other things but for now I have this gap. This 6 month gap between when I have to buckle down and get serious over school and deciding what I want to and what I want carried on and getting myself back into a position where I have a trajectory. Yeah I suffer cognitive difficulties and still other issues such as paranoia etc but I need something that’s mine again.

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Heart issues and hypothyroidism

Before I started lithium I had a blood test and ECG. Blood test was fine and ECG came back saying I had a short PR interval. I had another ECG after I started lithium and my PR interval had lengthened and I was told the lithium could do that. I had another ECG but the results got lost and then another one and I heard nothing about it until I get a letter saying that I needed to wait for a letter for a 24 hour ECG. Why??? Is what I wondered. My dad spoke to my psychiatrist and she said that the cardiologist had recommended it. When I had an appointment over a week ago I asked her what the problem actually is and do you know what she said to me? “Unspecific heart issue” WHAT?? So that’s a thing I have to wait for. She also later changed the opinion of the lithium causing this issue saying that it didn’t cause it but I don’t understand how my heart was okay off the lithium but now I have an issue…

This is kind of up in the air as I’ve been told that this 24 hour ECG is mainly so they get a clear picture of my heart in a day to see if these “hiccups” are normal. I don’t know.

In England, we have this thing called the lithium registry and what I was told was supposed to happen is they are supposed to send you a letter and a bag (to put your bloods in to get sent to the lithium registry lab) usually every 3 months but if your dose is upped you have it 5 days afterwards. So I had a blood test for 600mg and I got my labs sent to me. My level was 0.65 which isn’t high enough actually for ‘acute’ treatment but is in a range a psychiatrist wants it to be. Now my thyroid levels to explain in case you don’t know.

You have a pitutary gland in your brain which sends TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) to your thyroid to make your thyroid produce T3 and T4 hormones and T4 is the one that was measured in my blood test now TSH is usually higher when your T4 level is lower because your thyroid isn’t working well so the hormone is sent to try and get it working more and that is hypothyroidism. The opposite is true of hyperthyroidism – T4 high and TSH low.

So getting these results back in paper form with very little explanation. So I looked it up and I find out about hypothyroidism so I go to symptoms and the symptoms I had brushed off as being part of winter or a lithium side effect are actually hypothyroidism. For example, one of the first symptoms I got was sensitivity to cold. I was freezing all the time. Joint pain which also worsened my hand pain I’d gotten from other things but it worsened it. I’m pretty sure it’s also slowed my healing down. I hurt my toe a month ago by dropping a stool on it. I bruised the bone and cut the skin. It has been a literal month and the cut on my toe hasn’t even healed yet.

Now if you go on ANY website and look at the causes of hypothyroidism lithium is one of them. Lithium actually the number one example of a medication that causes hypothyroidism. So I asked my psychiatrist what we are going to do and she said basically that it happened too fast to be caused by the lithium but we’ll see what the level is next time.

Now here’s where I’m fucked around:

Heart: The psychiatrist sent my dad a letter saying that if we took this letter down the ECG department at the hospital they would fit the 24 hr ECG there and then. We went today and you can’t do that for 24 hr ECG so that was a waste of time and really frustrating because we could have booked the appointment over the phone last week. Now I have to wait until April.

Thyroid: The psychiatrist told us 5 days after a dose is upped we will get a letter from the lithium registry asking for another blood test. We didn’t get one so when we saw the psychiatric nurse she called the lithium registry who told us we weren’t going to have one until May (3 months) and so now I have to wait even longer for the psychiatrist to write a letter asking for a thyroid test which shouldn’t take long but she for some reason is taking very long with it.

If that test comes back with saying my hypothyroidism is the same or worse then I have to go to my GP and ask them what they think I should do.

So at the moment, my mental health is still kinda depressed with swings into irritability now and again but otherwise I just am really tired with no energy. Thanks lithium.

Second Opinion Time

Diagnosis:

  • ADHD – inattentive type.
  • Possible detachment disorder
  • —- these added to my other diagnosis; not replacing any.

So what happened?

My dad leaves me in the waiting room to pick my brother up so I sit down and put the forms on the window sill behind me. I start playing animal crossing new leaf, then somebody I recognise comes in and I was like woooaaah andit was a bit anxiety provoking because it was a guy and I was alone with him but I knew who he was to look at so I was a little less worried; I was like 3% less worried.

Anyway, so I get called in and this guy has a bit of a hard to understand accent and I don’t mean anything against it but some of the sounds he made for words didn’t compute too well in my ears. It’s like when Americans use different words, I know what you mean but it’s just hard to catch. Anyhoo, so he starts with what he read in my file; bipolar and then he starts on about trauma. What happened to hey, how you doing? What have you been up to? What school do you go to? No just so what happened when you were sexually assaulted who by, was he in prison? Making me feel like shit for not reporting him. Explain to a 10 year old the pros in telling someone because I guarantee a 10 year old will look after themselves unless they have an active way to prevent it happening to someone else. He actually asked me to describe the trauma like what it was and he then looked like he was about to have a nervous beak down he sat forward with his head in his hands and I was sitting here like wtf do I even do here and I was going to ask if he was okay but I was sucking on a lolly and I was pretty sure I looked bad ass and I didn’t want to ruin it by caring.

So he composed himself and then states I have not got PTSD (I should just say here he is actually a bipolar specialist and the people who diagnosed me are expects in psychosis especially relating to PTSD and trauma) he diagnosed that from ONE 5 MINUTE (AT THIS POINT) CONVO. Then we talk about my mother and my relationship with others all the while he’s changing from a leaning backwards “im too cool to care” pose to “omg I can’t deal with this job anymore” pose. He then states I have a detachment disorder. Like as a formal diagnosis and I totally disagree. Aside from my dad and my brother I say I have formed meaningful(at least to me) relationships with at least 5 people so how can I have a detachment disorder? But yeah, I suppose that was reasonably his job to assess but how he diagnosed me in those short minutes is beyond me.

He then starts on about school and he says the usual thing of “you’re too intelligent to waste it not doing anything” which since is saying I as a person is intelligent is fine but then he said (and it’s the ones thing we all hate) “research says that bipolar people are more intelligent” and later he said “bipolar people are more creative” and I’m like ??? That’s just going to make the people with bipolar who aren’t creative or too intelligent feel bad. Then he tries to use that fact to make me go back to school. Yeah, thanks bipolar. You ruined my life but you gave me intelligence. Seriously psychiatrist fuck off.

He then asks me if I understand the difference between bipolar 1 and 2 and I did actually but I thought if I talked for a long period of time I would be laughing at how much he looks like he wants to look cool with the poses. So he told me and explained that my bipolar 2 could turn into bipolar 1 but if I’m lucky starting treatment early will lessen the progression but since I’m showing signs of bipolar 1, by the time I’m 25 I might actually be bipolar 1. He then tells me how he treats lawyers and university lectures and phd people with bipolar and they all do well but then he finishes that off with a story about his bipolar coworker who resigned due to a manic episode, so I don’t really know the point of that story. It started off as an inspirational tale but then ended up with “but you could still fall off the deep end and ruin your career”.

Anyway he later starts talking about how I can go to group therapy for the sexual assault and I’m like no??? I didn’t even want to talk about it with you why would I want to talk about it with non-professionals who I don’t know. I then said I would go to group therapy for bipolar (since that’s less personal in the sense of it’s not too much of a sensitive topic for me) and he said “you wouldn’t want to go to bipolar group therapy because it’s just a bunch of crying women with problems that you’re too young to deal with” – um? bipolar pretty much has a set wheel house and I’m not going to mention drug abuse with you which consider I’m actually at an age where it’s legal to have sex, I assume you’re talking about drugs. He actually managed to make himself laugh during this conversation about sexual assault.

By this point I realise the conversation is all over the place and he asks me about school again and I talk about how once I start getting the hang of a challenge and it stops being a challenge I get bored and stop and then he starts on with all young people tend to stop when they get bored and stop with things they don’t like and in his day is parents told him that “if you don’t like something you have to work twice as hard at it” actually it’s not like that at all, it’s more what’s the point of dragging her to somewhere she doesn’t want to be when she’s getting nothing out of it? (she being me). Anyway he asks if I was ever diagnosed with ADHD and I said I wasn’t and then he tells me about ADHD inattentive type and says he wants to send me for some tests. It kind of makes sense when I read the criteria later. But basically what this means for my psychometric test is that my non-verbal reasoning skills are bad because I essentially get bored with what I’m thinking.

He then says he wants to talk to my dad. So i should go down stairs and wait for him to come back from picking my brother up and bring him upstairs but before that he’s upping the prescription to 200mg and wants me to pay for some imoodjournal app and I know the app is £1 (I later found out it’s £1.49 but it seems a pretty good app, if you are interested in keeping track of your moods this is the way to go)but still, you want me to make your life easier, you pay for it. He then says hopefully this will stop you being so “mad” not mad as in angry, mad as in crazy. I’m like , did you actually pass your exams? How are you a psychiatrist?

He then asks me to sign some forms saying he can send letters to me and others and I say that I signed that form and remembered I left it on the window sill (about an hourr had gone by and they’d be left there).

I should mention here I asked him not to mention my mum or the sexual abuse; my dad knows but I don’t want him reminded.

We both went downstairs I gave him the form, started playing animal crossing but realising my battery was going, I started taking selfies instead which I will upload later.

I waited. Dad came.

Went upstairs and he explained about ADHD and mentioned detachment disorder and had to bring my mum up as well after I asked him not to and mentioned the sexual assault as well. So I’m glad I’m only seeing him once.

Good things:

  • being sent for ADHD tests which if they say I have got ADHD inattentive type I might be able to gain back some concentration and do better at whatever I decide to do.
  • Trying to surpress laughter at his poses.
  • Lamotrigine upped to 200mg

Bad things:

  • Everything else that came out of that sexist, ableist, untrustworthy scum’s mouth.

Bargaining

Bargaining. A tricky little thing. We do it a lot. “I’ll work out for 20 minutes and then have a piece of chocolate”, “I’ll sleep for 5 more minutes then I’ll get up.” Some of it is so easy to bargain but some of it is not. My recent bargaining was that “I’ll just have Wednesday off school but go back Thursday”, I didn’t go back Thursday but I have to go back Friday which fills me full of anxiety because I didn’t hand in the work on Monday which I then forgot on Tuesday and I was off Wednesday and Thursday so it’s very late. So sometimes bargaining can cause problems in the long run.

I went to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. He upped the carbamzepine to 600mg and I talked about how I hated school, how I had nobody there as a friend and how I was struggling with work. My psychiatrist then went on a long speech about having a month off again. I want to make a point that I never mentioned time off because my dad would not be happy with that and I have one more year until I go “okay, this is how I want my school life” I can’t decide what we call each day or when the lessons I’m signed up for happen but I will be the one deciding what lessons I have. I’m not going to fill myself with anxiety each day just to make people happy. I’ll be allowed to leave school by law but I’m choosing to stay so you should help me not be filled with anxiety. Anyway, psychiatrist. Long speech about month off school. Then he tells me that he’s not going to give me the month off school because I will apparently “become more depressed” – well firstly, I didn’t want time off. Secondly, don’t decide what emotion I will or will not feel. I’m not a child and bipolar isn’t exactly predictable so shut up like you know what’s going to happen.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. University is not for me. But evening class, distance courses. Things that aren’t heavy duty and leaves time for other things. It’s cheaper and slower to keep the stress off. Again, another type of bargaining.

And a bargaining that is probably more relateable at this time of year. Bargaining concerning money, trying to get the best deals for Christmas. It’s difficult to know what to get your family at this type of year. I’m getting my brother: Thor DVD, Iron Man 3 DVD and Supernatural season 1 DVD. I’m getting this girl whom I know purely through the internet: a book to do with her favourite disney character Eeyore, some bathy type things and my dad? Well my dad continues to remain a hard man to buy presents for.

 

Psychiatric appointment

I went to the psychiatrist. There was this guy in the waiting room who kept fidgeting and sniffing, so when I limped in (I’ve pulled a muscle in my leg) it was awkward. The pdoc was 15 minutes late, as usual but when I went in there were 3 people in there. I felt like I was being ambushed but I comparmentalized and stared at the paper clip on the table. Basically the dose has been upped. It’s at 400mg a day, 200mg in the morning and 200mg in the night but now it is at 800mg a day, 400mg in the morning and 400mg in the evening.

I also got my weight measured, this week is a ‘heavier’ week so I was only a few pounds different than last time. The only cause for concern was my blood pressure was a little low. Systolic pressure for me is 105 which is at the low end of normal but is a big drop from the last few times I had my blood pressure done which is the thing they are most worried about so now my dad is worried I’m going to have a stroke and is at this very moment gone out to buy a blood pressure monitor since they think the medication is the cause and since we’re doubling the medication… Better safe than sorry I guess but I still think it’s a bit of a waste of money. Who knew bipolar disorder was so freaking expensive. I don’t know what my diastolic blood pressure was because I forgot and was more focused on the low blood pressure thing. But it means I might have to go off this medication, everyone huff in annoyance.

My Psychiatrist Letter

It’s maddening. Prepare for a rant.

Page One:

Name, address, yadayadyayada. It’s from November to April of this year, like a summary type thing.

Diagnosis/Progress Summary: Paris Presented with 15 months history of severe sleep problems (initating and maintaining difficulties), mood swings, anxiety and panics particularly when in a crowded environment. She also has a difficulty in controlling her anger and this has affected her attendence at school. Paris has suffered from anxiety since 10 years old. Paris has difficulty in maintaining friendships.”

Okay. So let’s tackle this first. Meh, 15 months give or take. I’m not going to throw a hissy fit about that because they is when this particular bit of insomnia started. Yes mood swings. Yes to anxiety and it should be panic attacks. I don’t really think ‘panics’ is a suitable word but whatever. Now, hm. “difficulty in controlling her anger” – um. wut. I have such control over my anger Mr pdocman you don’t even know. If I didn’t I would have punched you in the fucking face ages ago! Also, it’s not the anger stopping me from going school. So CAN U NOT! It’s the depression, usually. The mania sometimes. My anger has never made me not go to school, okay. So I don’t know where the fuck he got that from? I have one little temper tantrum because it took a week to see someone about me OD’ing and you think that means I have anger problems. Jeezz, you won’t diagnose bipolar but you’ll slap me with an anger problem. Cheers. Anxiety from age 10. What? I mean I probably was anxious but no one told me when I was 10, I had anxiety problems. I swear to God! If someone does not tell me what the hell is going on I… I… am going to do nothing but passive aggressively rant because I don’t have anger problems. The whole friendship thing, what teenage girl doesn’t? So, yeah. Whatever again.

Then it is a section of Recommended Medication and it’s basically a list of failed medication except no mention of the risperidone failing and this was written on the 26/4/13 and I’m pretty sure I was off it by then.

Plan:

“I have continued to see Paris in my clinic in order to assess her mood and with the recent overdose I have discussed the option of in-patient admission for further assessment of mood and risk”

And I took you up on your offer of in-patient and I HAD ALREADY LEFT BY THE TIME YOU WROTE THIS LETTER SO… ugh!

Risk assessment (I really loved this):

Paris has a long history of anxiety, low self esteem and difficulty in controlling her temper and mood swings. Paris is a sensitive person who takes things personally. Paris has talked about wanting to die, but concern for her family has prevented attempted suicide. However Paris admitted to taking diazepam tablets on 17th March 2013 and the triggers of which are unclear. Further assessment in an inpatient unit would help us in further management”

Dude… Dude… Dude.. this is the last time I will say this. I went to a fucking impatient unit and YOU. WERE. USELESS. Okay, temper thing is back. Is my temper that bad? Like I know I rant a lot and moan and swear and present anger but a lot of that is passive agressive and sarcastic so is it just me? Is my temper so terrible?

You see… I don’t know what to say about the whole “takes things personally” thing because I AM writing a blog about what I have got pissed off about in his letter. I am offended by the comment but can’t I really take it up that far considering this blog? Also. I am not sensitive. So. Shush.

Then just a crisis plan saying contact people. Um, no. I will go to friends and family not useless paid people.

Second Page: GP to Note.

First paragrah is an apology for writing late and the list of appointment dates which by April was one with a triage nurse and 5 in the space of 6 months.

Then some bullshit about sleeping and the fact I said I went to bed at 10pm to 11pm which is a lie because I told him between 1pm and 1am anyway. He basically got the waking times wrong and the times I went to bed wrong but hes going all the way back to like January 2012 so no wonder it’s wrong.

Then the next paragraph is about anxiety and mood swings. First thing to annoy me: “difficulty getting into crowded environments” – yes, me and the rest of the world. I’m not a big pusher. No, not a big fan of pushing people so I tend not to push people so yes I have difficulty getting into crowded environments but I hardly see how this is relevant.

He put “manic phase” in inverted sarcastic speech marks like that. I USE MANIC PHASE BECAUSE THE GP AND THE OTHER PSYCHIATRIST USED MANIC PHASE so don’t make out to be a fucking idiot for using it. Insulting.  My low mood in April was last 4-5 weeks not 3 weeks, so well done for not listening. He also wrote how I hear voices but apparently “did not elaborate much on it” – ok. Lemme explain me. If you ask me a question about it, I will answer but I am not going to sit in a room guessing what you want to know. I’m not a mind reader. If you asked any questions I would answer but you didn’t so I figured you didn’t find it important. I dno, hallucinating is still all very new to me. I don’t know what you, you idiot, wanted to know.

Paris has good appetite and concentration” – what? Are we in the same meeting? Because I don’t think we are too be honest. My appetite goes to near normal to not eating and my concentration is rarely ever good. I try and use the best of it in those meeting because I have been under the misguided notion that you, you twonk might be able to help me.

she did not describe worthlessness or hopelessness” – I SWEAR WE ARE NOT IN THE SAME MEETINGS OMFG. So many times have I expressed hopelessness. I even quit treatment for a time, I was so hopeless. Also, I’m not going to describe how worthless I feel because I’m not going to trigger myself. I am one of those people who have the lowest self esteem and feel worthless but act elistist.

They also called my mother by my dad’s surname – I told him they never married. *sing songy voice* yoooouuu neeever listennn. Also “From the description it seems that Mrs [name redacted] suffered from depression and anxiety.”

I also said mood swings, so someone explain why that is not in there. I also don’t know whY THAT IS EVEN RELEVANT! But whatever, I’m sure you have your reasons but you again are wrong.

On mental state examination Paris came across as an average built teenager who was dressed in casuals and offered variable eye contact. At times she would stare, but appeared mature for her age. She tends to talk in a loud volume. I have not witnessed any low or high mood. Her affect is reduced.”

Is average built offensive? Because I feel offended but, okay. Let that slide. What has my clothes got to do with it? I’ll come in a fucking suit next time. You know if I had the energy I would come in a suit to the next appointment and whisper just to be a sarcastic little asshole. I talk in a loud volume because I spent from ages like 6-13 partially deaf in one ear and my dad has hearing difficulties. So yes, I shout because that is what I trained myself to do. I am sorry if that annoys you, tell me and I will lower my voice. I am aware I have a tendency to do that but that is not a mood thing. That has always been someone couldn’t hear properly. Offered variable eye contact. I would look at you when you wrote because I wanted to know what you were writing, hence the staring. But thanks for making me look creepy. You have witnessed low mood so many times. I look down, avoid eye contact, only speak when spoken too and I spent the highish mood organising your toy box and YOU got pissed off at me. ARE WE EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM?! What the hell does affect is reduced mean?

In the next paragraph it’s pretty much okay, he talks about “chronic sleep deprivation” – finally something we agree on. I disagree with the diazepam having “no benefical effect” because it did calm down panic attacks but with sleep I agree. I think clarification is needed on the Sertraline making the “mood swings worse” but whatever, it sped the up so that is in a way making it worse. “I also discussed the option of a referral to the PIER team to seek a second opinion” – never did you discuss it with me. Never did I know it was a second opinion. You liar. “Paris believed she was suffering from bipolar affective disorder” – not believe as that implies I just self diagnosed. I was told by a GP AND a private psychiatrist that is was bipolar and granted they didn’t give me a type so in my mind it is Bipolar Disorder NOS because well, a private psychiatrist has said it and I still take his word over yours because as I have stated repeatedly, YOU DON’T LISTEN.

Now this isn’t wrong ( well a bit is), it’s just sort of funny. “Paris was very angry as she wasn’t taken seriously even after seeing her GP 3 times in a week. She refused to discuss anything about the overdose or her feelings. She was very angry and at one point even kicked the table and declared wanting to opt out of treatment” 

Oh Lordy Lou! I kicked a table! Now that is obviously the work of some anger issued individual, well oh mai. Send me away. You’ve never asked about my feelings since so I don’t know why you write this, you obviously don’t care a great deal. The wrong this is that I saw two different GPs only once. I saw one on the Monday and one of the Thursday. Well I came back, so get over it Mr pdocman.

It ends with some other bullshit but meh, it’s neutral.

Now I am continuing with PIER, I felt heard. Respected. I felt I was given a fair choice, a fair explananation about the EMDR and just heard, you know? I feel like I got a bad bit of luck having Dr pdocman. I know I’m going to do the most ironic thing and get angry about it or be passive agressive and ask him whether there is a brick wall on staff I could talk to because I feel like I’d get more from it than talking to him and then chuck my highlighted copy of the letter where I highlighted everything wrong – I wasn’t allowed to highlight the whole thing.

Insomnia does NOT mean I never sleep

Several times my dad and brother have woken me up unnecessarily and when I yell at them for waking me, they say:
“I thought you didn’t sleep”
“I just wanted to see if you were awake”
And THEN! ask some dumb question which could have waited until I had woken up.

You have a dictionary and the internet. Insomnia means little sleep, not no sleep.

Now, as for the pills. From what I’ve read it is EXTREMELY likely I am going off them due to side effects so I have to call the psychiatrist and possibly no school tomorrow (yay) depends what happens and how I feel tomorrow.

Psychiatrist and Sleep clinic

Want to apologise for the lateness of this blog. It’s been one of those nights. I fell asleep for an hour, had a dissociative episode, woke up, fell asleep, had a nightmare and ths 6am was born. So that sucks. I really do want to cry at the fact this keeps happening especially considering the fact that I’m going into mania – but that might explain why it’s so vivid. The nightmare.

Anyway, so I did end up going to the sleep clinic because I made my dad decide and basically all he did was confirm I had insomnia and said that I was “a shallow sleeper” and a “short sleeper” – woah. Like I hadn’t worked it out myself but I was getting into the high phase so I ended up walking out just so I could get a picture of this:

IMG_3132btw, fags in England are cigarettes and well that is just no. do not swap cigarettes for swag of any kind ever. Get qualifications. Not swag.

Went to school. School was okay, except we saw this picture and just…

IMG_3133That is the poster at school and can u not…

So yes, psychiatrist. Well I am sort of hypomanic so I was in the obsessive organising state, so I was organising the box of toys. The bipolar and psychosis specialist was there too. So I had to go through the whole story again which annoyed me but I don’t really mind but essentially what it came down to was they put me on risperdal 1mg but the dose goes 1/2 a tablet morning and evening for a week. If no problems then take 1 tablet in the morning and one in the evening. I have to see the bipolar and psychosis specialist again without my psychiatrist because she wants to focus on the voices and I think it was late May but I can’t remember the exact appointment date and in the mean time I have to keep a mood diary. I was going to start it Tuesday but I can’t be bothered so I’ll start it today – it has to have: mood, sleep and hallucinations.

Now as for the risperdal, I was looking up side effects and the ones I think there is a 99% chance of getting is headaches and stomach aches just because both are so hyposensitive to change. But I have to watch as these can cause mania symptoms, difficulty sleeping and increased appetite among other things. I start the medication this evening because the pharmacy doesn’t get a shipment of them in until 10am and I will be at school.

First day back

JLS wasn’t here so that rocked my confidence for the entire day. But I was just overall depressed and that place didn’t help. I mean anger did flare up sometimes but I was more depressed than anything and it completely sucked. It didn’t help that I wasn’t feeling very well (sore throat) and now I have accidentally stirred up so drama with two people, one who doesn’t even go to my school and the other who wasn’t even in. All because I had to constantly be texting so I could pretend I wasn’t there but it was still awful. I think I have found the perfect picture to describe what school in relation to mental illness is though:

tumblr_mk7d5ncSAY1r8i0r0o1_500So yes today was sucky. So when I got home I went to bed because I was also ill and ended up sleeping for a few hours but also having a nightmare so there was that. But I woke to texts and emails because as I have said before I caused drama and how did I cause drama? Well I was texting RH (JLS’ sort of exbf) because we’re friends and he asked why JLS was away, I lied because I knew why she was away. Family problems or something but I said “ill or tired. Maybe both.” and he went and asked her and she made it sound like he and I are together and well I was asleep so I couldn’t even put in my side of the story. But jeez! Why do things fall apart when I sleep?! But to be fair, that wasn’t at school.

It’s just, I have no friends there. Not really so I get depressed or I was going into mixed by the end of the day anyway. I hate being alone. I get flashbacks or just general depression around people. I feel worthless when I get my grades back and I’ve gone from 98% – A* on the exam last year to 46% – C on the trial exam for RE. I mean making me lose confidence in that is just another barrier in what this mental illness causes me and I really do hate it.

I don’t know what the deal with sleep clinic is, don’t know whether I’m going or not but have psychiatrist after school so wish me luck on that he should be putting me on an antipsychotic and I think the antipsychotic is risperdal. It definitely began with an R. But yes, that’s my day. Now I have to live it again tomorrow/today.

To Hell and Back.

There is something wrong with my shift button. I know, not the way you were expecting this blog to go. But it keeps sticking. Is getting a little better but still sticking a little.

So Hell or as it is more commonly known as ‘school’ – there is a reason I didn’t write about this yesterday and that is because I was interested to see how my body would react on it’s own before I wrote about it. Well, body did a splendid job of freaking out. Dissociative episode, nightmares and no energy so I didn’t even sit up in my bed until 6pm and didn’t get out until 7pm and that was to have a shower. I had planned to do some revision but alas body has other plans. So I know dissociative episodes are to keep me from a trauma hence why when my stress level goes up a dissociative episode is likely to happen. I can’t calm myself down ever. I am panicking. I haven’t been to school since the suicide attempt and I really don’t want to go back now. I mean none of them know and I really don’t plan on telling anyone because I can’t stand the hassle or the drama of telling anyone. I know that if I turned to my dad and said I can’t go to school, he’d try to convince me but let me have the day off which in terms of health is good (especially considering my throat is so sore, I swear I’m coming down with something) but here’s my problem (and please don’t tell me how ridiculous this sounds because I know): I want the day off and usually my dad will say “nope, school, just try, for me” but due to the fact he knows about the sexual assault and the self harm and how bad everything actually is for me, he will let me have the day off. I don’t want self harm or my past to change anything. If he genuinely thinks letting me have the day off is a reasonable idea then it’s cool. I suppose more than anything, I just wonder how often my dad thinks about it.

In other news, I have sleep clinic and psychiatrist on Tuesday. I am going to the psychiatrist. Sleep clinic, hmmm. I don’t know. I don’t see the point in it. Plus I’ve missed so many lessons of sociology, missing another for something there is no point in is ridiculous to me. But I’ll think about it.

Last night I watched some movies and tonight I going to watch Sucker Punch tonight, it has some mixed reviews so I’m weary but then again I don’t like some of the most beloved movies so my taste is different to the number of stars a movie has on IMBD but I’m looking forward to anything that makes me forget how useless I am and that tomorrow I have to go to the worst self esteem killer ever.

I’M OUT!

You probably are all wondering why so soon.
Well, I stopped talking, stopped eating, became very depressed and whenever I did talk it was through tears. But then the nurses and doctors and people saw that with family I was happier and would talk and even laugh despite being depressed. I also was getting migraines everyday, backaches from the bed and stress stomach aches.
Also, the staff there were terrible. Not all, just most. For example there was this room called the ‘Quiet Room’ and I would be sitting in there crying and this man came in and asked if I was okay and I said no and he left saying ‘oh’. This wasn’t a one time thing. Many times this happened but with answers such as ‘I’ll get someone else’ or “I’ve got something else to do” and the one person who did talk to me said “let me go write this in your file and I’ll come back and talk to you for a few minutes” Never came back. I cried all through the night. Was disengaged from activities because I was too depressed and would only speak to patients. So I begged my dad to get me out and he spoke with the doctor and they came to the mutual agreement that I am to be let out – it wasn’t clear if this was leave (which is where I’ll come back next Tuesday) or being discharged. I think It’s discharged and I go to my appointment on the 9th of April. The only thing I will miss is the other patients. They were lovely. If I dwell too much on how much I actually miss them, it’ll make me sad so I’m just focusing on the negatives.

Finally!

He finally called. My psychiatrist finally called.
So I woke up depressed but that’s because I had a nightmare and that sucked but I realised I’d slept four hours which was good because more sleep but bad because it’s bad sleep and nightmares. I always plan to do things but I ended up not doing them. My plan was write in my journal, breakfast, finish Progess and then do some RE work and some other things I needed to do. But my actual thing went journal, breakfast, mania started, drawings, some arty thing and then my dad came home and it’s more hypomania now. Then my psychiatrist called and he told me to stop taking zoloft and have to have an appointment with him at the time he said he was going to call me. Which is good, finally he called.

I don’t know what the supposed treatment is for that whether it’s just a course of antidepressants and mood stablizers or whether it’s hospitalization or what but it’s just an annoyingly gruelling process especially as he wants to see mania himself but so far I’ve had depression, mixed, mixed and tomorrow will be triggers because of the medication and going anywhere with people causes me to get anxious so that can make me mixed or depressed but highly likely manic. So I am a little annoyed about that. But I get it, just a long process.

Finally saw a good psychiatrist…

So the only thing I want to report about school is that I had a lot of fun at lunch. My school and my brother’s school are right next to eachother, I sat on the bench wrapped around a tree, alone and watched my brother play football and I saw how happy he was and it made me smile and I was glad to know that everything else; such as me – doesn’t affect him. I sat there listening to music and even though there was a slight chill in the air, I enjoyed it. I can only watch my brother when I’m on early lunch because his lunch coincides with that.

So the psychiatrist.

The hospital was quite a complicated place. But we found our way in. We had hardly sat down when the psychiatrist came out and started talking to this couple and their baby; I didn’t think he was going to be my psyhiatrist at first. But he said my name and we went in.

At first he talked to my dad (with me still in the room) about what he had noticed with my moods and my dad basically said that when I’m depressed, staying in bed sadness, panic attacks and just basically nearly everything. Then a little less description with the mania but he was good.

Then he wanted to talk to me on my own.

I went indepth about my symptoms. I mean, just everything about all 3 periods; mania, depression and mixed episodes. The hallunications, delusions, paranoia.

But then he asked about my family and unlike my dad I told him. I told him how amazing my dad is, how my siblings are but then we had to talk about my mother. How I think she was bipolar and how I don’t know where she lives and generally stuff like that. Then he asked “Drink, smoke or take street drugs?” I felt an urge of sarcasm rise in me and I thought of such replies as “what, no pre martial sex?” and “Some, not a lot.” But I suppressed it. He asked if I was physically or sexually abused. Awkward silence. I ended up telling him, I asked him not to tell my dad and he said he wouldn’t and I told him. Simply physically abused by mum and her boyfriend. Sexually abused (touched not raped, well… just read the rest) by her boyfriend. I never told her about the sexual abuse as she didn’t believe me about the physical abuse. But that’s what my nightmares are about, a flash back of that (I’m not going to graphically describe it). But there’s a bit between him touching me and me crying in my room that’s blacked out, like my brain wants to remember but doesn’t – here is where I cried. Usually I can talk abouy my symptoms, my mother’s neglect with total unattachment – no emotion. But this time, just cried and he got me a tissue. When I told JLS about my problem (this was earlier in the day) about whether to tell him or not she just started telling me her own problems. Just because she may have ADHD does not give her the excuse to do that, I know people with severe ADHD who will listen and not change the subject if you talk to them about something THIS important but I digress. I don’t want to talk about it really because I just can’t – too upsetting. But I told him, first professional I told. I was also worried he would tell my dad when he called them in alone. But he didn’t just asked a little about my mother and whether he remembered anything more of my symptoms. For the first time someone has not let me down straight away; by that I mean a professional.

The outcome of all of this? He gave me diazepam 2mg which I am supposed to take only if I am having a bad few times. The diazepam is for my insomnia and anxiety. But I read (well actually was an answer on a forum) that I can’t drive if I take it meaning I can’t get a moped or a car. Also that in 3 months I go back and during that 3 months I do a mood diary, so this is actually the beginning of a new segment I like to call “Today’s Mood Diary Mood” – original name, right? and I go back and BOOM! Diagnosis! But he did make one diagnosis. I offically have an anxiety disorder. He also wants me to do this breathing exercise 3-4 times a day as apparently it pushes away the ‘bad adrenaline’ but it’s okay. Apparently diazepam was called valium but can worsen depression, so help a girl out, will it worsen depression?

Pros of this psychiatrist: nice, funny, helpful, truthful to his word. Cons: He costs a lot and on the prescripton for diazepam he wrote 26.10.12 instead of 26.09.12 so I can’t get the medication today because they could think I’m trying to OD (thinking I’m getting my meds early) so my dad wasn’t happy about that. It means I basically have to wait till the weekend (due to me having the dentist on Friday early but pro, day off school) although tomorrow textiles is going to stress me out and I don’t think I can avoid two whole lessons of her, one yes. Just say I’m stressed, having a bad day need to sit out of this lesson, tell her I’m feeling better near the end of textiles and then go to my next lesson. Unfortunately I can’t do that now as it’s a double. Also, my dad said that he’d let me have first two periods off but he had an appointment with a client but he said he’d take me school and we might get there for the end of break but now my dad has to collect my diazepam so I don’t know what’s really going on, might see if my dad will have the appointment with his client (leaving me here), take me to school around 10-10:30am and then drive to get the prescription changed. But he’s asleep now, maybe I’ll talk to him when he wakes at 6:30am, see if it’s better that way.

All in all, not a bad day. I think I’m coming up to a manic period though so sorry if blogs slow down because I can’t think coherently when manic. Night, loves 🙂 x