Busy week

I find it funny as you get older your opinion on things change. For example I used to love when the holidays came up at school but now I don’t want the school’s on holiday because SIL1 is about more and if I go into town before 4pm, town is full of teenagers.

Last week was half term. I liked it because I was given the opportunity to hang out with my brother. I didn’t really know what I was going to do though because any movement I make in the morning SIL1 would have commented on and it would have stressed me out and my dad wasn’t picking me up because he wasn’t coming into town. He offered to pick me and GC up every morning, take him to work and me back to his. He did which was awesome. The week in that respect actually worked out really well.

Monday, GC had the dentist and had a surprise tooth out (we thought it was just for an x-ray). Tuesday, I had the dentist which I am glad for because my gums have been bleeding a little bit and the wisdom tooth that got a cavity because I couldn’t brush it due to it not coming through the gum surface yet has began to come through and is sensitive but thankfully my teeth were fine and I’ve gone from an appointment every 6 months to one every year. On Wednesday I had an appointment with my psych nurse. Thursday, I had a baby first aid course from 9am until midday and GC had the dentist again later in the day for another tooth out. The baby first aid course went really well, I passed but GC had given me a cold which weakened immune system and has opened me up to an ear infection and tonsilititus. But thankfully Friday and the weekend I can rest.

I try not to get too busy in one week and only have one big thing per week. But I seem to manage to have a week or fornight free and then just coincidentally book everything in the one week. Sometimes I like it because it gets rid of the stress in just one swoop with no weekend of worrying but other times I feel very tired or sick and wish I had a few days to recover.

Though Monday I had a lot more energy to move about. Instead of napping during the day, I got up and sorted of the bed I would be living in for the next few months. That includes moving light furniture, tidying the floor, unpacking clothes and basically just moving things around. But for the last few nights I’ve been having pretty intense nightmares so I’ve not been sleeping too well. It does begin to add up. I’ve found myself being more snappy and irritable than usual which isn’t necessarily just down to no sleep, add in pregnancy and that’s not exactly a recipe I’m happy about.

I have an appointment for the 15th March with the perinatal mental health clinic. I know they’re the people who help you before the birth (as well as for a year after) with mental health but that’s pretty much it. I googled the service but only found the local address. When on the phone with them they told me they would send me a questionnaire but the paper work they sent me was more just about correspondence rather than a mood questionnaire.

The physical aspect of the pregnancy varies. Sometimes I feel not too bad, a bit of energy and a more positive outlook on pregnancy and the baby and how both of those things relate to myself. Other times I feel quite depressed. I get told it’s normal to feel that way, that worries such as “am I going to be a good mother?” and “is the baby going to be okay with me as it’s mum?” and such doubts like that. They say that normal and I do believe to an extent it has to be but it’s gotten so bad that I’ve debated getting rid of the baby. I never would because I know I would regret it and when I feel it’s heartbeat or the baby moving, I know I care and probably even love the baby but I still feel bad about those thoughts and the fact that sometimes I feel very disconnected with the baby.

A doctor told me once to think of the baby as a parasite, taking everything I need and making me sick and how would I be expected to always love something like that. You put it like that and I understand why they aren’t so worried but I am worried and surely that has to count for something.

Advertisements

Bipolar, BPD and pregnant

Last time I wrote a post I was getting over RH and I’m happy to say I’m over him. I’m engaged to GC and realised from actually having proper sex with GC that what RH and I did that I called sex wasn’t actually sex… He couldn’t get it in because he didn’t turn me on and back then it was harder to do due to PTSD trauma.

I stopped writing on this blog because I was happier and busier and life just seemed to be going too fast for even my mind to catch up, let alone write it all down. But I’m pregnant now (approx 10 weeks) and have been pretty tired, ill and run down recently so I’ve had time to sit and think and after God knows how long I feel ready to write again.

I got engaged in July last year, probably the last time I was truly happy. Which sounds kind of horrible to say but honestly it’s true. Since September I’ve been stressed and even worse pretty ill. July was a fun month tbh. I probably got engaged a little too prematurely and rash. I went to a club with GC Sister in law for her 30th birthday and got pretty drunk which was awesome. Lithium was holding me. 

August actually wasn’t too bad either, JS had her birthday at a club and again I got pretty drunk but unfortunately threw up… Not the prettiest of scenes but it was fun. Unfortunately I didn’t really hear from her after that and I don’t know whether she considers me to have ruined her birthday or what but I haven’t heard much from her since.

I also got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in August (at least according to my medical records) so I was glad to finally know if I did or did not have that.

I dropped out of both colleges in September. The childcare course because I realised I didn’t want to do and the counselling course because I had no feasible way of making it there – but that’s just a long-ish logistical story.

I got admitted to hospital in October due to lithium toxicity and body jerking which still hasn’t fully gone. But reduced when I was taken off lithium which was good because in November I found out I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. 

It’s been kinda crazy these past few months. How has everyone else been?