33+5 weeks: Positivity

33 weeks. 5 days. Only 6 weeks and 2 days to go until my baby’s due date. Can I be honest? I’m excited. Partly because it’d be nice to have my own body back but partly because I can’t wait to meet the little troublemaker.

During this pregnancy, I know one thing I’ve lacked and so has my support system… Positivity. I don’t believe positivity is always conducive. When I was in school and I had to do a project that didn’t count towards my grade or wasn’t with my friends (so not fun either), I preferred to sit with the person who would bitch and moan about having to do the project rather than the person trying to get us involved.

At the beginning of the pregnancy, I won’t lie, I much preferred to read some of the more negative stories – usually regarding perinatal and postnatal depression. Around week 20, the hypermesis was a lot better, I felt I could go out more, I was almost me again! And really even when the sickness came back at about 28 weeks, it still wasn’t as bad and I’d managed to form a bond with the baby.

So at almost 34 weeks, I would love to be surrounded with some positivity but it seems I’m forcing it out of everyone. My younger brother I don’t think really understands how he could help but he always is happy and cheerful to talk about the baby. My dad goes between: can’t wait to meet his granddaughter and are you depressed about the baby/life? and my partner seems less enthused. For weeks I’ve spoken about trying to figure out how everything worked (sterlisers etc) but nope. Minimum of 3 weeks until birthday and nada.

GC has been stressed about work and I try to put down his negativity to that. As well as moving but like my dad and many others have said: I have done the same for him. I lived in a very stressful household for nearly a year and the best part of my pregnancy (where it was at it’s worse and I could have done with staying in bed) but I love him, so I did it. But he gets pissed off and on the one hand, I want him to tell me but on the other hand I really wish he’d try harder.

It’d be nice to wake up and find out someone is throwing a baby shower for me or offering to do something nice with me. Even just going to look around mothercare. I said months ago, I wanted to look around mothercare to make sure I’ve gotten everything. But since the trek into town is quite difficult for me now, unless I’m driven – mothercare is a no go.

I find it very funny though how despite being pregnant and bipolar, I’m actually the least temperamental in the house. Actually, that award goes to my younger brother. But GC and my dad are certainly not winning – they have both seemed moody and depressed and I make excuses. For GC I say it’s work or the thought of fatherhood – especially due to his lack of interest in baby stuff. For my dad, I think he’s suffering from depression but won’t get help. I think he tries short term fixes like me moving in, focusing on his new granddaughter, building stuff – but it’s all temporary.

To make sure I don’t feel positive I went through GC’s facebook, all the way before his daughter, before me and I see the way he was with his niece and I get… mad. I get mad. There’s all this stuff about how he spent money on his niblings (especially the niece he lived with) and all the family stuff he did and I get mad for my daughter. Is she going to miss out on a fun dad because he’s stressed all the time? How come he doesn’t try to put every penny he has into her like he did his niece? Then, more selfishly, how come he took his brother, sister in law and niece on all these fancy trips out but in all the time we’ve been together how come he’s never doing anything like that for me? He’s made things for me and they’ve been awesome and I love them so much but he’s never actually surprised me with anywhere special. But now I guess that probably won’t happen.

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