23 Weeks

I’m on 23 weeks pregnant as of today. Way past the half way point.

On the 14th of March was my partners birthday. He’s 27. It was a good day, we went bowling and had cake and ice cream. We were supposed to go cinemas but I was way too tired for that which I felt guilty about and promised we’d go at the weekend but he didn’t want to. The day after was my perinatal psychiatrist appointment.

The place to go for appointments is way out of the way for me. I tried to figure out what bus would get me there if I needed to get there on my own but couldn’t figure it out. Luckily, this time I had my dad taking me. I’d been to this hospital before, the year before for the crisis team.

I was waiting and it was about 10 minutes past my appointment time when I was called. The woman didn’t look that nice. Dr L looked kinda down and miserable and just had one of those faces where you think she looks miserable, will quote everything out of a book verbatim but was surprisingly okay. That appointment was never going to be comfortable anyway. Lots of questions about my mum and the past but I answered them about as honestly as I could. That appointment was basically about assessing my risk to develop a mental illness or relapse after the baby and turns out the chances for me are pretty high (yay!).

I do get upset though whenever I’m faced with the reality of my mental illness and the baby. There have been a few times especially since that appointment I’ve just sat, rubbing my stomach and thinking “my baby would be so much better off without me”. A mother with bipolar, PTSD and borderline personality disorder is not something a child should have to deal with. I’m pretty sure my own mother suffered with one – if not more – of those illness so I don’t want to put my kid through that.

A few weeks ago however, if I ever brought it up with my partner, he’d tell me that I should just focus on the fact I’m okay now. That seeing scans of my baby seemed to have gotten rid of the feelings of disconnect and I should be okay. He asks me in these times: “Well you love the baby, don’t you?” And it’s actually a pretty complicated question. I know I should say “Yes!” without any addendums but the truth is “I don’t know.” Maybe I do love my baby and that’s why I don’t think she should have me but on the other hand I sometimes just want to cut the baby out my stomach and get it over with.

The cutting the baby out my stomach has only be a frequent thought recently. Since my level of stress has been pretty high recently. A lot of stuff with housing has changed and fallen through.

Last week, my partner, myself and our dog stayed over with my dad with the idea it would be a trial run of living there since it would make it easier for my dad to take us to the scan. Half of our boxes are there, it sounds like a good idea! Except on paper it is a good idea, it practicality – not so much. It was fine in the day but in the night – again not so much at night. The dog isn’t used to sleeping by herself so at about 2-3am I hear scratching at the door downstairs. I can hear this but my partner is fast asleep. Knowing how pissed my dad would have been if she scratched paint off the door, I went downstairs and opened it. There’s a stairguard so as to not break the rules my dad said (one being she isn’t allowed to sleep upstairs) I just let her out so she could walk up to it.

But then she sat at the bottom on the stairs whining and I didn’t want her to wake up my brother who had college the next day so I went and turned on a light. Then a little while later, I hear scratching again – she had managed to lock herself into the sitting room. I let her out and back upstairs I went. By this point it was 4-5am and I’m really tired so the next time I’m forced downstairs, I let her up and let her sleep at the bottom of the bed.

The next morning I go downstairs to get cereal and my dad’s giving me the silent treatment. I knew he’d probably be mad but I figured if I explained about why I did it, it’d be okay but he told me he didn’t want to hear it and didn’t talk to myself or my partner to the scan or back or the entire day and so we just didn’t talk about it except if HE wanted to make sly comments that then upset me and yes, I’m ashamed to say, make me cry.

When he took me to this college to pick up some distance work, I expected when I mentioned the idea of going home for him to argue a little and say no. But he actually agreed. GC (my partner), when we got home, told me how he didn’t like how my dad was treating me. He was being manipulative, he didn’t like seeing me upset and we couldn’t live there. I agreed. My dad can’t treat me like this anymore especially in front of my kid, I couldn’t risk it. So we’re not moving in.

To make matters worse, the weekend we were supposed to move in GC sister CC broke up with her partner of 8 years and to keep a long story short, is now living here with her two kids. So if anyone is keeping count, there are 4 bedrooms with 5 adults and 3 kids living under one roof plus she’s pregnant and so am I. Plus because of how things still are, a week later, with my dad. I’m staying at home more. I have some distance work I’ve got to do plus other chores I could do but I’m confined to one room because not only is SIL1 on that side but so is SIL2 and 3 kids and I’ve been pretty down recently and don’t want to deal with it.

I got a letter off my psychiatrist to say we need to move due to stress and boy, is it stressful.

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Moving out

I moved in with my partner last June (2015) and to say it’s been rough is an understatement. I was impulsive with the decision and if I’d thought more, I shouldn’t have moved until he got his own place but I wanted out from my dad’s so it was perfect. At least I thought it was.

To be honest it wasn’t so bad when I first moved in, I did find myself getting taking advantage of a lot because I am a people pleaser and so got stuck babysitting a lot in the summer but I also saw some friends and I think I was still partially stuck in that bubble that I had created in Feb-March where it was my first time of ‘bearable’ mood swings and actual periods of mood swing free. My brain went into overdrive as a lot of brains might do if they’ve been mentally ill for years and try to make up for lost time. If that happens, sit and think on all big decisions for at least 24 hours before making a decision. It’s hard but it’ll help in the long run.

Anyway, when SIL1 and her kid went to Canada I fell into a routine of (post school) – going to my dad’s 4 days out of the 5 week days and that last one I stayed home and did chores whilst catching up with TV. I’m still behind on TV and I don’t even want to get started on chores. Especially being at my dad’s all day. But GC, me and our dog live in two rooms with a wardrobe out in the corridor for the back door. It’s not a viable option to have too much mess but he’s tired from work, I’m tired from pregnancy. We don’t have the energy or time. So the place is a bit of a mess. But also, to be fair, imagine you couldn’t share stuff with the people you shared a house with so you had to have a 4-5 room house all cramped inside one little room. Which is why when the Baby is born, I’m moving back to my dads. 

I don’t know whether I’m excited by it. Part of me misses my family. Part of me wants my own space. The only way I will get our own house is by the council. The council however have a bit of a ridiculous rule where, at the moment GC and I have to wait a few years until we get a place. With the baby’s birth certificate, it’ll be about 6 months. Hopefully we’ll be lucky to get a place.

Over the next few months, I have to add the stress of moving. It’s going to be a slow process but I have to do it for the baby.

Just one more day

Mornings tend to be easier for me sickness-wise. This morning however I’ve woken up feeling pretty sick. It would be one of those days where I really do just want to stay in bed and funnily enough, I know a few more hours in bed would probably help me but I can’t bare staying at home with SIL1. Especially as recently all she and GC have done is passive aggressively get back at each other. I’d say I’m stuck in the middle but I’m not. Of course I side with GC but I actually, by his side, tend to get blamed for this tension because they believe it wasn’t there before but GC tells me differently and I actually don’t fuel this fire. I’ve many times tried to calm it down.

I don’t actually mind having to get up early everyday, I also am not that bothered by the 5 minute walk or the 5 minute wait for the bus into town and I really enjoy bus rides. The worst part of my morning is the 15-20 minute wait in town for the next bus. If I get a later bus into town, it’s likely I’ll miss the bus to my dad’s so I have no choice. Where the bus stop is also means I don’t have much time to go to a shop to keep warm. The shops that are around I could keep warm in are a 3-5 minute walk in the opposite direction which means I could barely wait in them before I’d have to leave again. If it’s windy, the wind hits the bus stop pretty bad to make it extra cold.

When I don’t want to face this because I’ve been feeling ill or run down, I’ll text my dad at 7:30am to pick me up. If I don’t text by 8:30am, he’s head home from dropping my brother off and I have to get the bus. Today would have been one of those days where I probably would have text him but I used one of my pick ups (I give myself max 2 a week unless I have been very ill) and tomorrow my dad is picking GC and I up at 9am for my first sonogram.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel. I am just glad I will get visual confirmation if I’m pregnant because when I first found out I was pregnant, I looked up false positives and there are a few things that can cause false positives which is why I don’t think I’ve truly wrapped my head around the idea I’m pregnant.

For the first scan, you have to drink I think it’s 2 litres of non-caffeinated drink about an hour before the scan. Now I’ve actually had the type of scan to check my ovaries etc and it wasn’t the easiest to not go to the bathroom then. But now, when I’m pretty sure the baby is pressing on my bladder (or at least something is) I can barely have a sip of a drink without needing the toliet 5 minutes later so holding this is going to be hard.

GC has been stressed about work and has been looking forward to this all week. I have too but once I am on the second bus to my dad’s I don’t consider myself too stressed out. I’ll post pictures of the scan tomorrow.

15 minutes in the morning

It’s important to take a few seconds of rest when you can. I will probably learn just how valuable those seconds are after the baby. I get approximately 15 minutes in the morning to myself where I don’t feel guilty for having them.

I have the same routine every morning and I think that’s a pretty good thing to keep the same morning and night routine as it helps wake you up and put you to sleep. Admittedly, I keep better to the morning one than the night one.

My partner gets ready for work before I need to get up but eventually through the period of getting ready I groggily wake up and tell him he looks gorgeous (which he especially does at the moment because he’s grown his hair out and it looks amazing) and in between brushing his teeth and getting dressed, he will usually climb into bed for a few minute cuddle and then get out to get dressed. At about 6:50am (I think, maybe a few minutes earlier), I walk with him to the door, we hug and we say “byes” and “I love yous” and I tell him to be careful of cars because it’s still dark in the morning. I lock the door behind him, clean my orthodontal equipment, turn on 4 alarms all spaced differently apart and get into bed and sleep until 8:30am.

This is when I “officially” wake up. I eat, drink and then get my phone out to check facebook. SIL1 is one of those people who like to post on facebook a lot so I hope to find something about her morning that’ll help me with mine. For example, this morning I read that she was taking a day off from the gym. Well yesterday when I walked to the bus stop, she walked past me on the same route. We didn’t really talk. I was tired anyway and psyching myself up. Anyway, so today I was going to take a different route to a stop just before the one I usually used but after reading this, I’m pretty sure I can take my usual route today. That helps me mentally plan my morning route.

Usually around 8:45am, I get up, go to the bathroom, get dressed and hair. Just due to general tiredness I’ve forgoed make-up and a few other luxuries that used to mean it took longer to get ready because all I do everyday is a quick walk to the bus, a walk to the second bus stop, a 15 minute wait for that bus and then to my dad’s so I haven’t got to make myself look pretty. But my self esteem has been lower recently so I’ve done it a couple of times and it’s helped and I realised I was still done before 9am so it didn’t make a lot of difference to my time.

9am is when I get my 15 minute break. Where there is no planned out thing of what I’ll do. Sometimes I’ll begin writing a blog that I’ll finish on the bus, sometimes I’ll be doing some research or just idly spending 15 minutes doing nothing. SIL1 usually comes home from dropping her kid off to school during this time so I sometimes hear her in the kitchen which does suck because I try and sneak out without making noise. Until I realised that it’s HER fault there is this tension. She wasn’t back a week before she decided I didn’t like which is why I kept going out, she didn’t seem to take into account she’d be away for several months and her husband had taken a week off especially to spend time with her so why would I seriously want to intrude on that?

Ever since that it just kind of turned me off to seeing her at all. She came back not after we found out I was pregnant and both GC and I were worried about what my health, weight loss etc were doing to the baby and the pregnancy coupled with my bad health had made me pretty tired so after spending the entire day out, I was always way too tired to do anything which is another reason I don’t venture onto the other side of the house.

It is weird though. We live in the same house and the first time I’d seen her since just before Christmas was yesterday. I’d heard her. But hadn’t seen her. Usually, I would have gotten over seeing her pretty quickly but I was raring for an argument yesterday. I went to my old college where I was studying the childcare course, where’d I’d paid for a coursebook and never received it and at first it didn’t bother me too much but when I found out I was pregnant I thought it might come of some use. So after finding out I was pregnant I emailed the course tutor, no reply. A few weeks later I emailed her again, no reply. I emailed the queries part of the site but the email got forwarded to that same course tutor and again no reply. Last Saturday I emailed the site again but this time I put if I don’t get an answer please forward me to the complaints department and I think they did anyway and that tutor got told off for ignoring me because Monday I had a reply that the course book was ready to pick up on Tuesday. The route to the school got annoyingly complicated involving the use of 3 extra buses and a run to the bus to get to my dad’s but I did it and to be honest, I was pretty proud of myself for standing up for myself. I just kept thinking that when the baby is born and at school, I will be the person who has to stick up for the baby so I might as well practice now.

Nowadays I just like waiting for the days where my dad won’t be around the house and it’s not because I don’t enjoy talking to him but it used to be I needed sleep but I recently discovered that I can put episodes on a USB and plug it into the TV at my dads and that’s what I did yesterday. I probably should have slept instead but I managed to stay up pretty late so I don’t know if it was just a one off or if the tiredness from pregnancy is wearing off as I’m coming up to the 12th week. But yesterday was pretty good.

One Day of Rest

I spend a lot of times on buses.
When you’re pregnant, you’re not necessarily recommended to eat healthily. Before I got pregnant I was 9stone 6lbs on average. I lost a lot of weight in the first two months. I was pretty ill before I got pregnant, I was having body jerks which was a lot of exercise and I thought the run down-ness I was feeling was because of that and the kidney damage I had. To quickly explain the kidney damage, when the lithium got to a place of toxicity it damaged the mesh on my kidneys that kept protein and bacteria out and my doctor said it should heal on it’s own but it can take a while.
Anyway, I got down to about 8stone 13pounds before my partner (mainly because of breast tenderness) recommended I take a pregnancy test and to be honest, whilst we had had unprotected sex before I thought there was no way in hell I was pregnant. But there it was 2 lines on the pregnancy test. So we went out on a Sunday about 10pm at night and walked quite a distance to buy more pregnancy tests. We bought 3. I took two that night (a cheap one and a clearblue) and a cheap one the next morning and they all came up positive with the clearblue saying I was 2-3 weeks which after I looked it up on the internet actually meant I was 4-5 weeks-ish because they go on the first day of your last period which is typically two weeks prior and since I couldn’t really remember when mine was I made a rough guess.
I’d been suffering from nausea but since finding out I was pregnant I began to force myself to eat which made the nausea worse in general and meant that at the lowest weight in my pregnancy I got to 8 stone. When I actually began to throw up, I knew I couldn’t take it and neither could the baby so I went to the doctors, onto the hospital and onto anti-sickness tablets but because of all of this and the fact I have low blood pressure – I was told to continue taking my pre-natal multivitamin and try to eat more fat-filled foods and have the daily recommended intake of salt. So my breakfast when I get up at 8:30am in the morning tends to be a packet of salt and vingear or ready salted crisps.
A few months ago between dropping out of school and SIL1 and niece1 coming back, I had a pretty sweet set up. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday I rode the bus to my dad’s and Wednesday I stayed in with the dog, Brandy and we watched TV, rested and did chores. I got up all the days I went to my dad’s at 8:45am and just before it got too cold I made an effort to look okay. I loved Wednesday’s though and didn’t realise how much needed they were until now. I’d stay in bed all morning, watch TV until I then would tidy our two rooms (and nothing more since we rarely went in them and never left a mess) and do the laundry. I’d catch up on phone calls and emails and it was all in all very chill.
When they came back from Canada, for the first week I made myself scarce because it was their family time and I would have felt awkward either staying in my room or coming out and hanging out with them. 
I’m pretty sensitive to any type of criticism – even vague, not-even-criticism-to-most-people kinda criticism so when GC told me that SIL1 had said that I didn’t like her because I didn’t come in the room with them, I decided I wasn’t even going to bother.
She was annoying before she left and she’s annoying now. 
So my new morning schedule is to get up at 8:30am, eat, check Facebook to see it SIL1 has posted anything about what she’s doing because if she posts her morning onto there then I know whether she is or isn’t coming home after she drops her kid off at school. At 8:45am, get ready to go out and I’m usually done with that at 9am and then I will sit with the door slightly ajar to hear if she comes back. If she does, I don’t have to worry about bumping into her coming out of the house (as I changed the bus stop I went to so I didn’t have to go down to the school) and if she doesn’t then I don’t have to worry about her calling me just as I’m about to leave. So I’m always torn as to whether I want her home before I leave.
I then walk down to the bus stop and probably wait about 5 or so minutes for the earliest bus I can catch for free due to my disability bus pass which only starts working at 9:30am. I travel for about 30 minutes into town where I walk to the next bus stop and wait (usually in the cold and today the wet) for 15-20 minutes for the next bus which is about an hour to my dads. I spend time at my dads, maybe actually get some peace and some sleep. I then leave at 3:45pm to catch the bus back to town (and that bus is usually late) and then another 30 minutes home where GC and I meet.
I miss those Wednesday’s and since I’m ill and pregnant, I really need them. But it’s more stressful for me to stay then it is to leave every morning.
So yeah, I spend a lot of time of buses.

Bipolar, BPD and pregnant

Last time I wrote a post I was getting over RH and I’m happy to say I’m over him. I’m engaged to GC and realised from actually having proper sex with GC that what RH and I did that I called sex wasn’t actually sex… He couldn’t get it in because he didn’t turn me on and back then it was harder to do due to PTSD trauma.

I stopped writing on this blog because I was happier and busier and life just seemed to be going too fast for even my mind to catch up, let alone write it all down. But I’m pregnant now (approx 10 weeks) and have been pretty tired, ill and run down recently so I’ve had time to sit and think and after God knows how long I feel ready to write again.

I got engaged in July last year, probably the last time I was truly happy. Which sounds kind of horrible to say but honestly it’s true. Since September I’ve been stressed and even worse pretty ill. July was a fun month tbh. I probably got engaged a little too prematurely and rash. I went to a club with GC Sister in law for her 30th birthday and got pretty drunk which was awesome. Lithium was holding me. 

August actually wasn’t too bad either, JS had her birthday at a club and again I got pretty drunk but unfortunately threw up… Not the prettiest of scenes but it was fun. Unfortunately I didn’t really hear from her after that and I don’t know whether she considers me to have ruined her birthday or what but I haven’t heard much from her since.

I also got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in August (at least according to my medical records) so I was glad to finally know if I did or did not have that.

I dropped out of both colleges in September. The childcare course because I realised I didn’t want to do and the counselling course because I had no feasible way of making it there – but that’s just a long-ish logistical story.

I got admitted to hospital in October due to lithium toxicity and body jerking which still hasn’t fully gone. But reduced when I was taken off lithium which was good because in November I found out I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. 

It’s been kinda crazy these past few months. How has everyone else been?

Break Ups

I don’t want to reread my last blog post so I may or may not be filling in the gaps. I’m pretty sure I told you about how I was dating RH or at least that we had done stuff. We dated for about a month and I had sex with him twice (he wasn’t great) before we had another messy split and I do mean full on messy. After the break up… He didn’t care. I got drunk a lot. It was bad. Luckily I had GC to pick up the pieces, not that I could tell him why I was so down without explaining the overlap of RH and GC dating. But as far as I can tell both myself and RH have moved onto other people and I deleted him on everything but snapchat and then he deleted me on that. We won’t be contacting each other again I don’t think.

I won’t go through why he and I broke up because I’m honestly trying to put that behind me because it was so hard trying to get over him and I can’t say I’m fully there yet but I’m in a better place with it. I’m not getting drunk and crying at least. So there is that. But I will say that after a large deliberation, there was fault on both sides before the break up and he was a fucking awful prick afterwards. He hurt me without directly talking to me and ignoring me but again, it isn’t really fair of me to say without explaining it but I think that’s the best I can say. One day I may fully explain what happened but I really just want to put RH behind me.

GC is someone new. I got with him after RH broke up with me the first time and then when RH and I broke up again a week or so later I had him there for me. But due to overlap I couldn’t tell him about RH.

GC is 26 years old so there is a reasonably big age gap which at first kinda caused issues because he fell head over heels for me whilst I was, for most of our relationship, trying to get over RH so I didn’t fall as fast as he did. So his ‘I love you’ (which I have returned), his talking of moving in together, marriage, kids… all seemed a bit premature for me. An 18 year old who just found the world again.

I did actually warm up to the idea of moving in together especially what with me and my dad at odds all the time but when I had warmed up to that, the marriage/engagement thing got more serious so that whilst what I thought was a joking (though uncomfortable) discussion between him and his niece when we were in town about weddings became a little less of a joke when he took me to get my ring finger measure in a ring shop. I didn’t react straight away because of the borderline personality disorder (yep another diagnosis btw), I don’t trust myself to react so I gave myself some time to digest what happened. I talked to my friends. JS (who I knew from college and got back into contact with again actually due to RH), EC and FM and they all thought “what the fuck” like I did.

So my original plan was for me to tell him last Sunday I wanted a break. No sleeping with other people or anything but just some time to feel less smoothered. But when I was coming home from a youth council meeting, he could tell something was off. I had apparently not returned his ‘I love you’ 3 times that day (one of those times I did realise I did because I wasn’t supposed to be on my phone so kept it short and sweet) and whilst I kept saying everything was okay, he asked if he could call. We ended up talking it out and he got really upset and I didn’t ask for a break because I didn’t want to be alone this weekend. So we made up and he’s slowed down a little bit. Which is good.

We do however have plans to move in together this summer which I don’t know whether I want to go through with or not. Not so much because I don’t love him or want to be with him but I’m starting school again so I don’t know if it’ll work practically. See, I signed up for school just before RH and I met up and I signed up for counselling course. Which costs about £465 (I think) and I had to put a £50 deposit down. After RH and I broke up but I had been around his nieces and GC nieces and nephew, I realised I was good with kids and wanted instead to do a childcare course so I signed up for that one. Now these two colleges are about 30 miles apart. If I live with GC, I live closer to town so I can get the bus and train to these places (the childcare college is close to town about a 20 minute walk from the centre and also means it’s easier to get to the train station to the counselling one as well) but it also would make it a lot more expensive and my dad wouldn’t be able to take me if i didn’t live with him… Also I feel he wouldn’t speak to me again if I did move out because of money.

But all of this sounds like I’m beginning to put my life together and I am a little bit. I didn’t think I’d see this day. But the thing is that the bipolar is mostly okay now and stable but the borderline is very obvious not the bipolar has gone and has very detrimental affects. Please read this to know more about the disorder. My abandonment issues vary from clinging to a person or pushing them away so I don’t get hurt (which is what I did with RH but trying not to do with GC). I am very self critical and insecure but luckily GC is just as insecure as I am.

I still take lithium and have regular appointments with my psychiatric nurse which I’m glad of because I very desperately need people to talk to. Recently, I have found and it might be related to the bpd that I can’t be on my own. I get very depressed if I don’t have someone to be around. Even if it’s a skype mic chat in my room or a phone call with someone. I need that because I can’t deal with myself and my thoughts. I spend just about every weekend now with GC and try and fill my week with my friends.

This week is half term so I didn’t have girls group and voice group. So I spent bank holiday Monday with Guy until about midday and then I went to see JS but that wasn’t as great as the other times because she brought her sister along so we couldn’t talk about personal stuff. I saw EC and her new house on Tuesday and slept over until Wednesday when I then had to get the bus back to the city and buy some stuff for people and today my brother and I went to the cinema and we saw Unfriended. Tomorrow I have my psych nurse and the doctor whom I am seeing about issues with my foot turning in. Saturday I am seeing my older brother which I kinda feel forced into doing because I missed seeing him last time because I was spending time with RH. So I missing my weekend with GC to see him and then seeing GC on the Sunday and possibly Monday too. Though seeing him on Monday could raise some issues as I need to be home in the mornings to take my brother to school so I can’t sleep over Sunday. I’m willing to spend all day with him but I need to help my brother with his anxiety so I’ll have to work that out.

Overall, when I’m good, I’m really good and when I’m feeling bad I’m really bad. Once I’m fully over RH, I think the emotional depression when alone will lift and be easier but for now it’s what I’m stuck with.

Residential

I went on a residential over the weekend as part of my work with the ‘next level voice group’ and I went through a lot of stages. I gave in my consent form kinda ad-lib in the hopes of hurrying up the youth worker I was waiting for as I felt a conversation about it would have taken up a lot of time and I was in a rush. Later, I realised just what I had signed up for and for a week or two alternated between anxiety and depression, I then got a little excited about it and then I got anxious about it again and that kind of continued.

I won’t bore you with all the details of the trip and what I learned but I’ll tell you my feelings to things that happened. Friday night wasn’t too bad because my room mate went to sleep pretty much when she got into bed (which was quite late since the workers decided to ignore the curfew they told us about) and I spent most of the night talking to my friend on skype plus I couldn’t sleep either.

Now once I had gotten a hold of the food situation I didn’t suffer so much from anxiety but I am a slow, messy, picky eater who also can’t eat a lot so I tended to not have a main or a starter after Friday night. I took part in the workshops and meetings but I can bet you I will get a label as “anti-social” because I decided not to sit downstairs for 3 hours at night talking to people I have nothing in common with. You bring me to a residential and I will do work but I won’t unnecessarily socialise with people. My socialising came from my friend on skype and my brother on whatsapp. Saturday night was particularly draining because my room mate had made a lot of friends and had got them all on snapchat and they were all snapchatting each other and I think I fell asleep before her but I woke up before her so it kinda worked out.

Sunday actually was a lot better because we didn’t need talk in anywhere but the workshop and at lunch I ran off to do a voice chat via skype with a friend (that lasted 45 mins and then when I got home it added up to about 8+ hours) and when I hung up to get in the taxi I had more confidence though I do find I have more confidence when I talk to someone who is like me. Someone who hates or would hate (if they were there) the situation the same as I would.

It wasn’t fun, I’m pretty sure a lot of the people there are bored of me or at least unsure of me (I know one girl there hates me, not that I care because she is a purposefully negative kind of person). Though I think I am proud of myself for doing it. There is another residential later in the year but I might come up with an excuse for that one.

The people weren’t generally nasty or awful to be around but I liked being in my room with my phone talking to people I had something in common with. Admittedly, I may not have given a lot of them the chance but I was happy with the decisions I made this weekend when it came to who I socialised with.

I recently had a blood test for lithium and my serum level is not at the therapeutic dose yet. It has however began to affect my thyroid or at least the levels are heading that way. I am borderline hypothyroidism, I think if the dose is upped again which it must because it’s not at a therapeutic dose yet. The paper I got suggested “thyroxine replacement” but who knows? I need to have an appointment with a doctor and I was supposed to see my psychiatric nurse yesterday (Tuesday) but she’s ill so I probably won’t see her until Thursday.

This week is half term so all groups are off, no getting up early to talk my brother to school. It is nice to chill for a bit especially after last weekend.

My mood has been on the lower side and I’ve been suicidal at times but I think I’ve been kinda out it mentally so not really registering my mood. Who knows?

Lithium

It feels longer than 14 days since my last post. So to keep you up to date:

Crisis Team

That went poorly. I met the crisis team people at my GP surgery and to save a lot of time, they didn’t like that. I don’t know what their obsession with home treatment is but they do not like being denied access to your house. During the times of seeing them I was very depressed and they asked the same questions in the 3 appointments we’ve had. Now I was supposed to see them everyday but I didn”t have to see them on the days I saw my psych nurse and I didn’t see them at the weekend so overall it added up to about 3, maybe 4 appointments. In those, let’s say 4 appointments, they decided that what would treat me is looking up “positive thinking” on youtube (yes, youtube) and going out more. Now the positive thinking on youtube thing is bull shit and I’ll tell you why: if a professional starts some sort of positive thinking regime (not that I could imagine how that would go) and said look up this on youtube as a supplement it might work but asking someone to look that up as an alternate to actual treatment is bad. They had a tendency to ring and arrange an appointment an hour before you’re supposed to be at the doctors surgery. It was just bad. Also after those 4 appointments, they have decided to discharge me. Yeah, they’re great.

My psych nurse is on holiday and won’t be back until next week. Which is also great.

Lithium

I am currently on 600mg. Side effects so now aren’t too bad. Nausea and stomach pain are the ones that are sticking around. Also, on my ECG before I started the lithium I had a short PR interval, next ECG on 400mg normal PR interval and now on 600mg, PR interval hitting the long side so I have to be monitored and have a lot of ECG which means I have to strip off in front of strangers a lot.

Mood

I find myself on the low side, not really much effect. I’ve been getting more irritable lately though I don’t know if that’s the lithium or just a mood thing but I have been. Plus my self esteem has been pretty low in regards to my appearance. Though I did just dye my hair burgundy.

Groups

Groups are going well. I’ve taken a more active role with the girls group and with the voice group as well. For example this weekend I am going on a residential for team building and work shopping – not entirely sure that is though and so hopefully that goes well.

I’m still depressed and lithium is nasty but I’ve been worse so I guess that’s something.

Suicide Attempt – no. I’ve-Lost-Count

I tried to commit suicide – again.

As you know for many months I’ve been depressed. On or off medication. I’m always so fucking depressed. I self harm and that makes no difference, I drug myself with diazepam snorting or orally taking which I eventually stopped because that didn’t help. I’m also so goddamn lonely. I’ve known for a while I’m at tipping point and having somewhere safe was kinda my saving grace.

What happened?

The laptop I currently have is shit so I ordered a new one and I, because of my social anxiety, wanted it to be delivered but my dad said to just reserve it and we’d pick it up. So I did. When we went to pick it up, it wasn’t ready so I wandered off to the laptops to try and find the one I was purchasing (I found it), my dad eventually joined me and I asked how long until the laptop was ready and he said he didn’t know and that one of the floor guys was going to bring it to us. So this guy did and he took it to my dad and my dad called me over and the guy asked me questions like what I was using it for? My social anxiety probably made the annoyance I felt more profound but I reserved the laptop – I know what I’m looking for. He then asked me if I wanted them to set it up and I said no because I just wanted to leave. The guy then said it’s an extra £35 for this back up USB thing (I said no) and then my dad started going on about how “that’s how they get you” and I told him I’d explain what it is in the car and I was getting short now because he wouldn’t stop. Once we were out of the shop and in the car I was okay.

We got home and my dad carried it in and placed it on the table and began to unwrap it. That pissed me off because number one: it’s my fucking laptop that I paid for so what gives you the right to undo it? Number 2: they were undoing all the leaflets and wires and then I had to carry it all upstairs when I could have just taken it inside the box so I asked why they opened it when it would have been easier to carry in the box and my dad began to put it away so I asked him why and then I wandered to the stairs whilst muttering “I’m not in the mood” which is when he violently started putting everything back in the box. My brother left after that knowing an argument was starting. To sum up the argument – my dad told me I made everyone’s life hell and that I had to pack my bags because I’m moving out.

Magnified since I left school, I feel like a burden to everyone. That I’ve changed into a short, snippy, bitter person with no appreciation for others and I hate myself. I mean not just hate my figure or some physical attribute of myself – I hate my personality. Then my dad who was essentially throwing me out brought to mind how my mum did the pretty much exact same thing. One parent does it, it’s bad parenting. Two parents do it, you’re the problem. Not getting any replies from my friends when I asked if I could stay with them and homeless shelters looking like a bad option and not wanting to inflict myself on others I grabbed the handful of queitapine, a blood pressure tablet of my dad’s and a diazepam to help me sleep and took it all.

My brother came in after a while and I was slurring my words and at that moment my dad returned from returning the laptop. They took me to hospital (with great difficultly since I could barely stand) and I ended up throwing up in the car park. Once we got in, my blood pressure was taken and I was given an ECG – my heart was showing problems. I then had to wait to be seen and I lied and said I took the overdose by accident (doctors believe any fucking thing you tell them). With great difficult they put in a line for a saline drip and took some blood (out of my wrist since they couldn’t find a vein) but then they said they wanted me to stay over night for observation, we’d already been there 4 hours it was getting to 8pm. I discharged myself then.

I regret that action. I’ve had chest pains all day and I don’t know if it’s anything serious and I just don’t like being on my own. I hate myself for company. Think of sitting in a room with your worst enemy but you can never ever be away from them – they’re everywhere.

I’m obviously alive but I in no way want to be but I’m so much of a screw up I fail at my own fucking suicide. Now I’m just in this place where I want to be dead but I don’t want to be the one doing the killing. I don’t think I’m safe on my own any more and I don’t have the mental capacity to be with others. I’m just so fucking depressed. There is literally no other way to describe it. I just want to die. Living with me is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I probably thought this last year but I wish last year me with the fancy personality would come and punch no personality in the face. Then I wish present self would punch like 13 year old me and then present me goes and punches future me in the face. Then future me punches present me in the face. I feel like that would be a good recompense and also an awesome movie.

Stuck in the dark abyss, I went and drank half a can of lager and felt a little less depressed.

I have no plans on killing myself again. I swear.

Holiday Blues

I’ve noticed that there are two different types of holiday blues. The ones before Christmas and the ones after. The one before Christmas tends to be worse up until Christmas day with a rapid decline in the ‘blues feelings’ boxing day and it continues to decline up to someone normal baseline or there are the people who like the general feeling of Christmas and once it’s over, they kind of realise that the year is just downhill after this and they get the blues. I’m in the latter group, I spent Christmas day (and the days before) hypomanic and now I think I’m just on a slow spiral into depression and maybe I’m not suffering so much from the holiday blues as I am from depression itself but I’d rather entertain the idea that there will be some epiphany where I realise that just because the holidays are over doesn’t mean things still can’t be great and then I snap out of the ‘blues’ and I’m okay.

Unfortunately this is not how it tends to work. I’ll be depressed until hypomania takes over again. I’ll be hypomanic until I get depressed again… the cycle continues and some days the cycle is nice. It gives me some variety – helps me break up my days. When it’s hypomania into depression – not so nice.

I’m sad Christmas is over because it means that the new year is coming and in previous years that wasn’t so daunting. It was basically a mark in my life saying “you’re over the hump for this school year” and that a few more months and the school year was over and congrats! One year closer to the end of school. The way I left school was kind of anti-climatic and there was no ‘end’ – everything just kind of fizzled out and the year kind of dredged on and I lived on the hope that I’d find something or something would come along and that’s ‘fix’ everything for me and it’s childish hope and I know in the back of my mind that the real world doesn’t work like that. The real world sucks and there’s nothing to be done about it. But I still hope that something will come along and it’ll help me sort something in my life out.

Family Christmas Dinner

Because my older brothers are busy Christmas day, we had Christmas dinner together today and I was a bit apprehensive when I first found out but about 2 days ago my mood drastically lifted and I welcomed hypomania. I had it all day and it did turn into irritability at one point but it got back to the happy side and I was glad of it but by the end of Monday 22nd Dec (the 3rd day) it was filtering out but it was there for dinner despite the fact I hadn’t slept in over 24hrs and helped me get through my dad snapping at me all the time e.g. he asked my brothers if they liked peas and sweetcorn but one of my brothers said he wasn’t a fan of sweet corn so me and my other brother said we’d be fine with just peas and he had a go at me for repeating it despite the fact 1. he’s hearing impaired so I am used to repeating everything and 2. my other brother was repeating it as well.

Well the eldest brother (whose birthday it was as well) – AdB stuck up for me but I went up stairs with my younger brother and just listened to music and messed about until we got called downstairs and all through dinner my brother and I would share glances every time our dad snapped at me (or him once) or we looked at each other and laughed. We pulled crackers I got an orange hair bobble and he got a plastic paperclip which he broke because he thought he could bend it out like a metal one.

My brother and I went back upstairs listened to music and I came out to him as pansexual and he was really accepting of it. I told him about my ex-girlfriend who just winds me up and told him I had ex-boyfriends but let’s leave the stalking stories out of it, to be honest. But it all went well.

During the dinner AdB got a call from his brother and sister (like I consider his brother my brother too but I don’t consider his sister my sister) wishing him a happy birthday and I could hear the phone and our brother asked him to pass along saying hey and stuff to us (he forgot).

Which brings me to now, feeling my energy fleeting I decided to finish putting photos in photo albums before the energy went and I was writing dates on the back and I didn’t have one of the dates actually on my computer but I knew it was on facebook so I went on facebook and despite the fact I only had to click on pictures, absent mindedly I scrolled down and I saw one of those facebook videos people make which was inserting people’s faces into elves and his sister had made one for him.

Earlier in the year, his sister and I got into an argument because she called my dad a tw** because of the way he was acting in a conflict between my dad and his sister (my aunt) despite the fact he had nothing to do with her and I told her not to insult him to me like that and we argued mainly because she said when I was “older” I’d understand. Maybe. But she was getting really nasty and condensing to a teenager when she’s 40-something. So she unfriended me.

So I was lonely… I might have written a blog about it before… and decided to add her back. Partly because I was lonely but partly because I wanted to see if she could be mature and adult about this and this was in October/early November. I kept making excuses that she was busy which is why she hadn’t accepted but that video on my brothers facebook? Meant she’d been on (in the last 20hrs according to the time stamp) and obviously declined the friend request.

It just seems a bit hypocritical because she was all about us all being a family but now she’s cutting off family for that. Ironically my aunt, the one she’s sticking up for, used to bitch about her. It does show she’s petty and I shouldn’t be upset. We only met each other in 2009 and rarely saw her then but it’s upsetting and I’m feeling down now. Like I feel depressed but still have energy – I don’t know. I think my new years resolution should be to get rid of toxic people such as her.

Christmas Prep

I’ve always wondered whether I am a good person? How do you even quantify that? If you ask me right this second whether I consider myself a good person I’d say I wasn’t and I’d probably end up on Santa’s naughty list and not the adult naughty list where they get vibrators and edible underwear for Christmas but the naughty list where a lump of coal is in your future.

I haven’t been having a good time recently. Following with my close friends I got into the Christmas spirit November 1st and I ordered my Christmas presents for people and I thought about the decorations but recently that ‘Christmas Spirit’ switch in my brain has been put from the on position, past the off position and into the “let’s blow it up position”. Call it an episode, I have been. But this particular episode was ‘switched on’ by some perceived slight comment from my brother to which I gathered up all the presents I bought (which ended up being a lot of money since some were bought during mania) and put them in the bin and then set about taking down the very ill looking tree to which my dad stopped me and I went up stairs in a temper and ripped open a friend’s present to me where the deal was we’d open it on skype together.

After about 2 hours I calmed down but I’d already told my friend I’d opened it and you can’t get back a message once you’ve sent it. I was worried she’d be mad at me so I went onto a chat support site and let me just sum up by saying that the women I talked to on there is really not helpful and she’s supposed to be a mentor – it’s kinda pathetic to be honest with you.

I then sent my friend, EJ (the same EJ who is my ex-girlfriend) an apology and she accepted it. I was glad.

Anyway, as you know I have odd hours for sleeping and so when I woke up this afternoon I was feeling too worn out from sleeping to read it so I waited until that evening and we discussed it and it was okay. Now here’s where things start to go bad again.

So for probably two months, EJ has had a problem with some girl at school and it recently flared up and for about 2 weeks I have been listening to her rant everyday. She’s rang me at least 4 times about it, each time lasting over an hour. That’s four hours of my life I’ll never get back. Facebook and over the phone. But we’re trying to be friends and I like to think I try my best to be a decent friend and I listened.

My mood has been up and down but usually the ‘down’ bit is as exactly as the title describes. Down. Depressed. Withdrawn. I’d withdraw from my friends if I felt bad but recently paranoia has reared it’s ugly little head and that tends to get me riled up and so I went to her and told her about what happened the night before with Christmas and that I was near killing myself last night and you know the fucking reply I got?! “that sucks”

“That sucks”.

“That sucks” is a reply for when you spill cola all over your brand new dress. “That sucks” is a reply for when you fall over and twist your ankle. “That sucks” is the reply for when your phone breaks. “That sucks” is not a reply for someone admitting they’ve been feeling suicidal.

I don’t admit I feel suicidal on a one to one basis often. I will write about it on my blogs but I will rarely even message someone and say “I feel suicidal” or “I’ve been feeling suicidal” or “Last night I felt suicidal” and this is a goddamn reminder as to why I should keep it to myself.

The fact is I’ve been feeling badly about this friendship since it begun and she proves over and over again it’s time to end it but I’ve never been good at getting myself out of toxic relationships as evidenced by my family.

How am I feeling right now at 3:45am on 12/12/14? Down. But just depressed down. I feel like the moods which have begun to cycle every few hours have evened to every few days.

I’ve been thinking about this documentary I watched about bipolar disorder called “Of Two Minds” on netflix and it’s triggering so I wouldn’t watch it if you’re in a sensitive place but it takes a look at a group of people with bipolar disorder at various stages of their treatment. Some are just the families and one family is of a girl who committed suicide but there is this Jewish family (or at least the mother is Jewish as far as I know) and the daughter who has bipolar now writes magazine articles and youtube videos about it. Her name is Liz Spikol and she is pretty much my idol now. She’s pretty, she’s clever, she bisexual and she writes magazine articles that can include her disorder and I think it’s pretty inspirational.

Another burning question on all yours minds is probably: what, if anything, are you doing for Christmas?

Well my original plan was to become Santa (or at least one of Santa’s elves) but I’m kind of at the stage of just burning the Christmas tree down and making a pillow fort and never coming out of it. But instead I have to go to a pizza Christmas dinner next Wednesday, my brother’s are coming down (and possibly my niece) two weeks 21st December, maybe 22nd which means I have to clean my fucking room because my niece will probably want to come up. Pretend to be jolly Christmas day and see if I can find an alcohol I really like and then get wasted on it but that’s an “if I can find nice tasting alcohol” because so far I haven’t. How about you?

As for my overall mental state. Not great. Still hallucinating but I can’t talk to anyone about that. Depressed and can’t talk to many people about that. Angry and paranoid but that doesn’t really need to be talked about because I so overtly express it. Dissociation hasn’t been as bad but I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Maybe to survive I need to go through life with bouts of dissociation to escape reality and survive.

I don’t know if I’ll make it through Christmas in one piece.

13 pounds and counting.

I used to be 10 stone 7 pounds. I am now 9 stone 8 pounds and I’m happy with that. I’ve dropped a size in clothes (which now means I have 3 completely different sizes in my drawers) and whilst I am happy about the weight loss, I’m also not. See my goal was never to lose weight, it was to tone my core and arms so I was stronger which I feel I needed in a house full of men 7 or more inches taller than me. But weight loss like this makes me apprehensive due to my history with anorexia. I will keep working out but once I lose a few more pounds I will have to make effort to balance out eating and exercise.

Which is easier said than done, I’m actually pretty ill at  the moment but I don’t know what with and whilst I’m used to lethargy, I’m not a big fan of the pain which is in my legs and my lower abdomen and plus some other worrying symptoms that are prompting a return to the doctors. I went to the doctors on Wednesday mainly due to my eyes. You see they had begun intermittently hurting whenever I moved them and I knew it was muscular but I wasn’t dealing with it. Turns out I have dry eye syndrome made worse by:

*drum roll*

The meds.

They dried out my eyes and now despite the fact I’m off my meds, I have to use artificial tears to keep my eyes lubricated. They are a pain in the arse to get in but luckily it’s like a gel so I can pick them up and place them into my eyes which isn’t better but it’s better than wasting drops. The doctor also gave me some antibiotic + zinc cream for my spots (cystic acne to be more precise) which I was so grateful for because most doctors just say “stress” and expect you to magically be able to cure it. The spot cream does work but new spots keep appearing all the damn time and the eye drops are pretty good. I have to wear my glasses a lot often now because whilst my long distance is better, my short distance not so much.

But despite all this illness, I still do exercise. I mean so far it’s just weights and stretches but I can lift heavier things and my thighs are slightly smaller so I’m calling it a win for now. I probably could do more exercise but I’m just in pain too much at the moment to do so.

That was my doctors appointment. My psychiatrist appointment was on Thursday.

Now I’ve been having a bit of a problem with what’s real and what’s not. I know I’m typing this and that this is going out into the ‘real’ world. But I recently had been hallucinating that I had been having conversations with people that weren’t there and it took me a long time to realise that these hallucinations weren’t real and I only figured that out when I brought up a conversation with my dad and he didn’t recall it and at first I thought it was weird but he’s just had a birthday, he’s getting old and a few days later I brought up a conversation with my brother that we had about his school and it was in relation to psychology… as in the subject but I guess I never made the connection between that conversation and the facts until I spoke to my brother and the fact is: we were talking about him studying psychology in the present tense. Not future tense. He wants to study psychology for A levels next year but we spoke about it like he was studying it now and he knew the subject matter. Subject matter further than I went before I dropped out. Which is when I knew.

So i Googled a little and hit across delusions and did you know there is such a thing as delusional guilt? See, I thought it was a thing that didn’t apply to me but the fact is for the last few weeks I have picked through my past and found every damn thing I did wrong and became so overwhelmingly guilty I started writing letters to people including my mum, a girl who I (along with many others) was a bystander to them being verbally bullied and I only mention the many others because shouldn’t they also be feeling the same?, my older brother and older sister and even apologised (face to face) with my younger brother for what happened with our mum like it was my fault she abandoned her 2 children in the park? It makes sense to feel guilt afterwards but it’s coming up to that being 6 years ago. Why the overwhelming guilt now? I thought maybe it could be delusional guilt or maybe it’s not? I have no idea.

I was going to admit I hadn’t been taking my meds in the appointment but I doubted that it was causing anything since my mood hadn’t been in either extremes. They brushed past the hallucinations and said they were “dissociative hallucinations” and not a psychotic symptom and the way they brushed off my hallucinations and just added “dissociative” to a symptoms – just like they do with every symptoms I have now – I was pissed off and didn’t ask further so I googled. Dissociative hallucinations are apart of … well.. dissociative identity disorder (or DID) which is the new name for Multiple Personality Disorder and whilst apparently you don’t have to have two very obvious different personalities hallucinations can be apart of a different personality?

I can’t find dissociative hallucinations for PTSD. Just that it is psychotic symptom. But the thing is, whether it’s DID or bipolar or PTSD or some other mental illness that no one has thought of yet. A hallucination is a hallucination and should be treated seriously… so why was I not? How come I could be brushed past? My first and most obvious answer is that they didn’t believe me. I mean, should anyone especially mental health professionals ignore it when someone says they are seeing things that aren’t there?

This is why I do’t tell anyone the truth about how bad my condition is because they wouldn’t believe me and I think it’d hurt a lot more for my dad or brother or ex or friend to say they didn’t believe me. It hurts they don’t believe me. Last time I tell them the truth again.

Though, I was debating calling them and setting up another appointment and telling them just how offended I was and why nothing was to be done about the hallucinations? Or the insomnia that the psych nurse thought needed attending too? I could wait for the appointment in 3 months but I always say I’ll wait but I’m done waiting for stuff like this. I convince myself of this now but unconvince myself later but I’ll keep you updated on that situation.

In other news, I am dyeing my hair pink. My hair is currently bleached all ready for the pink.

I’ve been buying Christmas presents. I got my brother a new phone and an SD card, a zombie book in a walking dead situation and a rayman game for the xbox one. For my dad a few boxsets of dvds, a clock and some cash and some other stuff that I forgot. My friends got necklaces and bracelets and a notebook. EJ got a fox toy, EC got a pic of us from a convention and my niece got a bracelet, teddy and a notebook. These are some pretty nice looking notebooks though. I’ve spent quite a bit tbh and call some of it impulsive but let me have a little happiness this year… you know… sober.

A friend challenged me to a “who can stay awake the longest” and another friend joined in. They live in America, were several hours behind me and I won! I mean I was up until 9am but I’m an insomniac. Like they were going to win! Least my insomnia was good for showing up and beating two pesky boys.

 

Hope

I always feel like I’m looking for something that’ll make me feel less empty. I’ll listen to music and I’ll read books and I’ll spend hours hopelessly searching for other books and music and a TV shows to make me feel better and for short amounts of time it works. If it didn’t work at all I probably wouldn’t continue but things works for short amount of time. A Fall Out Boy song. A book with a character that relates to me. Same with TV. But I know, deep down, that what I’m looking for isn’t on amazon or itunes but it’s a friend. A real life, good friend. It sounds simple but it’s really not.

I’ve found that the people who get where I’m coming from also tend to be mentally ill themselves because I find it’s those people who, like myself, are the most lonely. But I don’t interact with many people like that. In fact I don’t interact with many people period. The people I do interact with, I am terrible at keeping up contact. Even more so now.

Which then, when you get into the state I am currently in, begs the question: do I deserve friends? I mean I care about everyone I talk to but I don’t keep up with them as best I could. But people deserve better.

I’ve been thinking about the mental hospital recently, I try to avoid thinking about it because I feel a lot of guilt for leaving. I know that had I had stayed I’d probably be a lot happier now and I would have made some sort of friends, I mean really it was my perfect setting. People who were just like me. Teenagers who self harmed and were depressed and listened to the same stuff I did and realised the use of trash day time television.

Every so often for short amounts of time, I lose hope over whether I will actually feel better and I don’t always mean conditionwise because even in my stable periods (as small and as fleeting as they are) I still feel empty and sad but what I realise during those moment is how important hope is. Hope comes and goes but without hope we would seriously give up and that would be one of the worst things to happen.

 

Happy 18th Birthday to me.

Happy 18th birthday to me.

So this birthday has been good and bad.

Bad first: got into an argument with my dad and it’s over the usual crap I have talked about so many times before so it was nothing new.

Good:
Presents: a Harley Quinn necklace from KE. EJ gave me a soft toy called Spot which is an alien with like 3 eyes, purple nail varnish, a fox necklace, an 18 badge and this nicely decorated box that she packed it all in. My two aunts gave a combined total of £75 in cheques which are yet to be cashed because my dad said he would do it but hasn’t. £40 from my older brother and £10 from my younger which combined enabled me to do this:

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Yes, that is a tattoo. A permanent one. Happy birthday to me.

My brother also gave me a chocolate orange egg. My dad said he’d give me £100 and a piece of jewellery to commemorate this day, I have gotten neither and I haven’t gotten a reason as to why…

The thing about today is I went in with the lowest of expectations and still ended up disappointed. I love the star and snowflake. Iffy to the moon and hate the sun. But I hate the real life sun so..
(( I will delete any anti-tattoo comments i swear I am not in the mood so dont bother writing them))

Getting the tattoo was a massive hassle because I picked the worst place to get to geographically speaking but I found out where the tattoo place near me is and I will be going there from now on.

Anyway, enough birthday negativity. Let’s move onto real life things.

Where to start…

My quetiapine has been upped to 200mg and well I haven’t been on it very long due to skipping doses but it was because we’ve been moving and I needed to get up early and quetiapine just made me tired.

I got PIP (Personal Independence Payment) which is England’s replacement for Disability Allowance and it’s tacky to say how much but it is more than I feel comfortable with. Call it internalised ableism but I feel like I don’t deserve it because what can I do with it? I wouldn’t leave the house if I had my way but as it is I go out voluntarily twice a week and what? I pay for diesel which is like £10 max a week. I am grateful I got it but I don’t know what to do with it. Maybe it’s best to save it up because sooner or later I’ll be paying for my doctors and my meds and everything so best to keep it until then.

I still go to my group. I love girls group. Love it. I don’t know how they’ll react to my tattoo, I just hope they aren’t judgemental and think less of me. I mean I don’t hold it against them so much because they’re kids. I just hope. Voice group I’ve only been to 3 times since 1 time was cancelled, 1 time I was ill, 1 time very few people turned up and then two times we’ve actually be on properly we’ve been writing anti-bullying slogans on balloons which is fun but to what end? Anyway, that’s going okay.

I tried to get out my comfort zone and volunteer with a bigger purpose so I figured; mental health. I mean that is what I’m really passionate about and so I found a place which is geographically awkward but I went for an interview and basically what I was supposed to be interviewing for was training dogs as emotional companions and they made me fill in this form and explained to me the job and then they began booking me in for other things that were not that. They booked me in for fundraising and admin and accounts?! I said specifically I couldn’t do that and then they basically emotionally manipulated me into staying for an art session when I said that I couldn’t do Tuesday and Wednesday’s anyway (the interview was on a Tuesday) and then when I was in the art session, the guy running the class kept criticising me. You’re working with mentally ill people, a lot of whom would be sensitive to criticism and you talk like that to them?

I hadn’t even been there 5 minutes and I’ve being over-used and criticised so I decided that it wasn’t for me and emailed them and told them how I thought the way they behaved was out of order and would not like to work with them any longer which they ignored by the way and harassed me with phone calls and nasty voicemails. So much for that.

I mean after getting out of there I felt so bad and suicidal and honestly I was looking for a busy road to jump in front of a car… I probably would have reasoned that jumping in front of a car is the worst way to commit suicide because it’s not just you you’re hurting, you wrecking someone else’s life and car but I was crying and really did want to kill myself and whenever I get very suicidal I will mimicking slitting my wrists and it’s unconscious reaction but the fact I still get depressed and suicidal really brings this whole bull shit ‘recovery’ thing into question. I mean recovery for one person means something different to another but for my dad, the psychiatrist – pretty much everyone – deems I’m in recovery when I’m easier to get out of bed and when I’m not having manic episodes. That’s great… going to do anything about the depression?… no?… okay.

I guess for now I’m just going to keep everything how it is. As much as my dad loves to be in denial about it, I’m not doing well and the suicidal thoughts are back. Let’s just keep things on an even keel.

Being a month too late

It’s been 25 days since my last blog post and that is really unacceptable. I’m sorry. I’ve been meaning to write one for a while but things just kinda went on. So what’s been happening?

Well the lamotrigine seems to be managing my moods quite well, I find if I miss a dose though, I get hypomanic symptoms and so that may or may not be a bad thing. Here’s the thing, I could explain why I do actually miss bipolar sometimes but I feel this accurately summarises my feelings towards the subject: (x)

Now, having had no responsibilities, the idea of a short relapse sounds like an interesting thing, if for nothing more than to see how far this actually takes your moods if you were to stop taking it for a week. I feel like the theory might be better than the practical.

I know a lot of people are thinking that I’ve got rid of a crippling mental illness, I shouldn’t miss it, I should be happy but I think when you’ve had something dictating your whole life and having positive and negative aspects it’s hard not to miss it because it was a big part of your life and being out of it isn’t as comfortable as you’d hope it would be.

I am currently going doctors for having missed my periods for 3 months, since it is nothing hormonal and I am ovulating it is time for a scan. I have not had my scan get and should expect an appointment in the next 2 weeks. But as far as my current physical health in terms of periods,I am fine. Not really any cramping or pain so as a short term kinda gal, I don’t mind.

I recently applied to college for Level 2 IT BTEC and I GOT IN! Woop. I think I mentioned in a previous post how I was overqualified for the course but the interviewer who was also my tutor for level 2 said I should try for a level 3 but to be honest, I don’t want to. Level 3 is a 2 year course and I’m not ready to commit to IT that much when I have an interest in studying counselling.

The tests went well, in the beginning I went to the wrong place which is the most embarrassing thing EVER but I eventually got to the right place and the tests took about 1 1/2 -2 hours and F2 was the highest levels, I got most L1 – L2 in both literacy and numeracy but a few E2’s? The levels go: E1 E2 E3 F1 F2

You also had to fill in forms about your learning and there was a thing about dyslexia in it. I wanted to tick most of the ‘most of the time’ boxes but I knew that would indicate me having a learning disability that I didn’t actually have and I didn’t want that sort of help, I guess is the right word.

I also didn’t mention the whole ‘bipolar’ thing because again I don’t want the whole checking in on your mental health thing. I will probably regret this down the road but hey.

I also have to hand in a reference which I don’t mind doing but since education is the only place I can get a formal reference from I have to get it from my old college and whilst that is going to be the most embarrassing and anxiety inducing thing, I will do it. My problem is school is close for summer so I don’t know how I could get one until it re-opened. But I will have to figure this out.

Am I looking forward to going back to school? No.

More on the mental: so paranoia and anxiety have sort of become a problem. Paranoia I’m being watched. Paranoia all my friends and everyone I’ve interacted with hate me. This feeds into my anxiety. My social anxiety is at an all time high for a stable period. I’m not happy. My psychologist from therapy says it might be my body’s defence mechanism to protect me from going into stuff, if that’s true I don’t want to go into stuff. Especially when I am going back to school AND she is leaving in October and having 2 weeks off in July, basically she’s opening a can of worms and leaving. Why would I want that?

My Prospects

So as I told you in a post a few days ago I had a meeting with someone who was going to help me sort of some sort of productive future.

Now the whole fuck up with the stalker thing was sorted so let’s not delve too much into that.

But basically my options are this: college, apprenticeship/job or full time course.

Now my dad said I would be able to handle and apprenticeship since it’s on average 35 hours a week and my dad said he doesn’t think I could handle it and I guess I would agree.

College as I’ve already explained multiple times is just not my sort of option.

Now, full time course is where my head currently lands. Now it gets complicated. So in the simplest terms a full time course is a more intense course where instead of doing several subjects like you would at college, you do one and they’re not A levels, they’re BTECs which stands for “Business and Technology Education Council” but instead of changing like GCSEs to A levels, it’s just level 1, 2, 3 etc.

So I have about 7-9 GCSEs ranging from C-A* so in those terms I’ve passed, I can completely skip level 1. I could technically skip level 2 onto level 3 depending on what I was choosing. Some courses want you to have level 2.

Since I have to pick a course this year for December, I am doing Level 2 IT course which even if I choose to opt out of after the year is up is still a useful skill to have. If I don’t like IT and don’t want to move onto a further study of IT I am going to study counselling.

Counselling is different to IT since you have to be 19 to do learn it and their level 2 course is a 3 month course starting in January finishing in March or starting in March finishing in June. So I’d have to wait until 2016 to do it since I turn 19 in 2015. After that I can start the counselling course at level 3. But this is all if I don’t want to continue IT.

To do IT level 2, you just need 4 GCSEs with grades D or more – check! Level 2 is equivalent to GCSEs, if I did all 7 units it would be equivalent to I think 4 GCSEs.

So what does the course include: Communication in IT (Mandatory) – Working in IT (Mandatory) – Hardware – Setting up an IT Network – Computer Systems – Computer Games Design – Website Development

Which I think are all useful skills. I can always drop out if I can’t cope. But I think this course is 15 hours a week so assuming a 5 day week is either 3 hours every day or 5 hours 3 days a week. I don’t think they can go above that so max it’d be is 5 hours 3 time a week. Which will probably be easier for me.

Now the course, whilst I’m a little worried I’ll struggle – which may or may not be unfounded consider I exceed the entry requirements and I have a working knowledge of a computer, I think I could cope. I think I could possibly do it.

People. At college, I had people I’d been with since year 4 which is about 8 years worth of time and whilst I wasn’t friends with anyone for 8 years, there was familiarity in seeing their faces. I never came into school thinking I wasn’t going to see them, they were in groups, groups which I knew, groups I knew the social hierarchy of. Groups whilst never directly communicating with. I knew. There were going to be no surprises.

But now I’m going to (yes still a college) a place I’d never been before with people I’d never been with and they could pretty much range from ages 16 to ages 25+ according to what my advisor said. The 16 year olds are fresh out of law mandatory GCSEs and may wish to not work and mess about (which from how my advisor said it I was supposed to help them??? I would help them with stuff if they asked but I’m not going to teach them how to work if they don’t want to know) and how was I supposed to socialise with anyone really over the age of 19? I can barely talk to kids my own age. Fuck social anxiety. I hate it.

I do focus on the negatives when it comes to social interactions. Though if we were to spin this positively: I currently have two friends who I talk to on at least a semi-regular basis. Especially since I recently broke up with this girl I’ve been dating (I don’t know if I mentioned this but I’m pansexual) which I think is probably based off my whole commitment issues and nitpicking thing I have going. But yes, two semi regular friends: EH and KE. I speak to KE everyday via email but she lives in another country so not really viable and seeing. EH doesn’t live too far from me and she promised that when her mum (who is home schooling her brother) took her brother out to like muesums and stuff that she and I would tag along. But just like most things EH promises, it never happened. So best case scenario I make at least one friend.

I haven’t filled in the form yet so I might not get in, so let’s hope I do.

Decisions, Decisions and Major Fuck Ups.

Where to start?

*warning long blog post*

An apology. For being away so long. Between my appointment, illnesses (physical and mental) I have just not had the time.

From here, I will try to do things chronologically but I will mess up and back pedal to past times. My last post was about the second opinion. From there I have had time to reflect. He is still a massive *insert list of expletives and negative adjectives*  but I’ve gleaned some things.

So my first thing was is ADHD inattentive type (which I think is the same as ADD so I’m going to call it that) is probably an apt diagnosis. I’ve had symptoms when I was a kid but since it’s not a necessarily disruptive disorder for teachers, it tends to go under the radar. I could see myself having it is what I’m saying. I would agree with that diagnosis but I should get a definitive yes or no tomorrow.

As for the detachment disorder, I have healthy relationships – sort of. I can form them and I can keep them but I have an issue with putting people on a pedestal and then demonising them at slights – well what I perceive to be slights. I do it a lot and I do hate the fact I do it and I tell myself to stop. Think rationally. Are these real or imagined? It works for all of 5 seconds but then I am back to scrutinising every social interaction. They’re not necessarily the healthiest but I rarely push people away for it.

That is what I’ve gleaned.

I had a hypo/manic (meaning waived between the lines of mania) episode shortly after the appointment but luckily I have my trusty mood disorder app to keep me in check… well that is until I start writing updates about how I don’t think trees should just be green. Where are the purple trees?? As well as monitoring my paper airplane-into a cup game. Then the usual suspects come on: fast speech, fast thoughts, implusiveness, fidgeting + restless, lots of energy, high sex drive, feeling self important, excessive spending – you know the usuals from my past. But obviously the massive issue of sleep. Going 24-48 hours of no sleep and then sleeping two hours when I do. That little sleep turns happy mania into irritability and aggression for a short time before it finds it’s way back to the happy side of mania. So it’s not the greatest of times always. But I was glad to see that despite the medication increase these episodes were happening still. Few and far apart but they were still spicing up this endless tawdry of my life at the moment.

I also ended up piercing the helix on one ear, the mis-piercing on my ear and two more piercings. Self pierced of course. But again – no infections. I think I should stop due to my luck will probably run out but I like how they look.

 

I had a flashback so it went away for a little while but came back. What alarmed me about this is that I have never had a forceful flashback when even hypomanic. Never. But there I was. Hypomania came back for a short time but it wasn’t as strong and eventually just filtered out rather than going on it’s usual quick descending crash into depression.

I went into a more stable state. Rather than deep depression I was on a 3-4 range. Which tends to be where I sit right now.

When I saw Miss D, during the hypo/manic  and told her what the second-opinion-psychiatrist had said she immediately said that ‘undiagnosing’ me with PTSD was wrong and that I do indeed have it (like I said). Of course I swerved off topics now and again whilst talking about him but I always found my way back to ranting about how bad he was. Never am I ever seeing him again.

Anyway, after the hypomania, nothing much happened for a few days. It was kinda dull.

Father’s day happened, DVD and liquorice and my baking are the usual.

I read comics.

Then we get onto the interesting things. How is CBT going you ask? I say, meh. I don’t think it’s helping (at least not yet) with the deep seated emotional issues relating to the past but I think it is sort of helping with my current issues. I have to cancel this week’s appointment. But I will get onto that in a minute.

My dad had a health check. Everything was fine what they measured. He won’t get his blood test results back for another week (so two weeks in total) and he has to take his blood pressure for a week. This Friday he has to go for a ECG (EKG idk).

Which brings us to this recent set of issues. School was brought up. Now from previous posts you know how pissed off I get when I have to make quick decisions. No, I need to know my options at least 3 days in advance so I can research and think and sleep on it. I don’t like indulging impulsive choices because whilst my gut has a tendency to be right. It’s not always so sometimes it’s best to use logic.

Obviously the big question on everyone’s mind: To school or not to school? 

Now, I do have a complete aversion to going back. I don’t want to. I feel school has given me everything it’s got to give me (including a lower self esteem than I would have had I not gone to school) and I want to do something else.

As you may (or may not as it was a long time ago) I wanted to go to connexions. Now my dad said we would the week after Miss D told us about it but then loads of stuff with the car happened (it broke down) and he had to sort out a new one and it was a whole thing. Next week, he was busy or something. Then I forgot – i think by this point the lamotrigine was increased and my memory has since left me. So now we are back at this cross roads.

As much as I like keeping the apathy stance (and I do), I know I need to choose something. I’d be happy just to work in asda or something all my life but my dad and others don’t want me wasting this precious intelligence I have. Well, it’s my intelligence and I can use it how I like. I don’t need my intelligence verified. Hell I don’t even believe I’m that intelligence (which is what a charming commenter on a previous post implied. They implied “yeah you’re sort of intelligent but not that intelligent but you should still do something with it – hence why I told them to get off my blog, patronising prick). But they want me to do something.

The problem is any time this conversation comes up, two things happen: My dad jumps up and tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it any more and to leave the room and the other is that I will end up holding back tears.

The other problem is that my dad likes to jump to conclusions. Since I’m still technically registered with my college (which I’m not sure about, there is sort of a grey area there) he thought I couldn’t go to connexions; that I wasn’t eligible. I am btw.

So my two paths of decisions were: college or nothing (with enforced, obvious condemnation and disappointment) which then became college or connexions – but not connexions in “I want to see you’re willing to do something kind of way” it was a “yeah you’re going to pick something from connexions and you’re going to like it”.

My dad kept saying he’d prefer me to go back to college which after a few times makes me lose my temper and I say “fine I’ll go” and he’ll go on about how I’ll just be miserable and am doing it half heartedly. Miserable and half hearted or probably content (when not at college) – you can’t have both.

So we settle to make an appointment at connexions. I have literally no idea of the choices. Anyway, so we get recommended to prospectus (idk if that’s how you spell it) and my dad makes an appointment with the receptionist for JE (the name of the person I’m seeing). Anyway, about 3 minutes after the phone call my phone starts ringing. Now due to wanting to shape some sort of life I can be happy with I deleted any one I no longer wish to be in contact with numbers. So since this call had a number I thought maybe it was some one I deleted but since I didn’t recognise it I asked my dad and he didn’t know by this time the call had finished. One missed call. Mobile number.

Now since I’m on pay as you go now, I was not calling back. So instead I texted: “who is this?” fair question since they rang me. I then took off to typing their number in on the internet. First google, then you can see if it’s a spam call. Then facebook to see if it’s linked with any one. Then tumblr to see if anyone had posted their number. Nothing. All I found out was the mobile phone carrier which is not helpful at all.

To explain the reasoning for this next bit, requires some putting-yourself-in-my-shoes-esque energy. As you know, I live in constant fear my mother will in one day get in contact with me which is why I’ve taken to calling myself Raven on every site except facebook (psst I will now refer to myself as Raven on this site too, sorry for the hassle). So every call that I don’t know makes me worry it’s her. My anxiety and somewhat paranoia over that lessened a bit… well until I realised it was my 18th birthday soon and I will no longer be protected by a no contact child order.

It’s not just that. Checking through my blog I never mentioned the stalking I’ve been suffering in recent months. I’ll give you the jist. Met a guy. Seemed okay. Found out he was in prison for ABH. Didn’t want to be judgement so didn’t let it lessen my opinion of him, however stayed cautious. He expressed romantic intention. We led to an argument when I didn’t express the same and he threatened to kill himself. We made up. Later argued again over him being racist, he threatened to kill himself, stab himself (sent me a picture of himself with a knife against his stomach) and told me I’d made him punch through a wall. I realised I had to end this before it went too far. Blocked him on any social media I knew him on. He lived in the city, I live in the country so no chance of necessarily bumping into each other. He then start emailing me again and again. Even sent me pictures of when he fell of his bike and was all bruised up. Playing on the empathy I have for everyone. I told him to fuck off but he manage to claw his way back into my good books which I hated him for but I realised (later on) that it’s because I have internalised abuse so much I don’t expect anything more. But he did it again. I blocked him but he kept sending me emails (which at this point I didn’t know how to block) and messages and trying to talk to my friends via facebook.

I debated calling the police but never did.

Anyway, I told him I was going to and told him he’d go back to jail. Sort of a lie but it made him stop. For a few weeks at least. Then he sent me an entire, I think it was Shakespeare, play in an email, several times. I can’t remember the name of the play though so I don’t know if there was supposed to be some hidden meaning. I then found out how to block emails and haven’t heard from him since.

Which brings us back to the story. Now those three things put together creates a lot of anxiety and paranoid when some one I don’t know calls.

Half an hour passes and no reply. I tell them that if it’s a wrong number, I don’t mind just please tell me. Then instead of saying who it was, they just say “I’m looking for [Raven]” and well, if you can’t introduce yourself then it just creates and anxiety. So I ask again: “who is this?” I then begin to really break down and shake and almost am having a panic attack as I was thinking it was my stalker. To sum up what I said I called the texter a: “fucking creeper”, “a fucking stalker” and I said I was going to call the police.

Irrational but anxiety and paranoia are rarely rational. They then tell me they are JE from prospectus and well, self hatred and embarrassment and pretty much all the emotions you’d expect me to feel come into play. I profusely apologise and tell her she can call me and apologise again over the phone. Hence the ‘Major Fuck Ups’ in the title. I mean the one person who is actually going to be given me constructive ideas I call a fucking creeper. Either the universe hates me or I have an urge to self destruct myself… Probably a bit of both.

Along the lines of this though, I’ve been thinking about what I enjoy. I used to want to be working in the field of psychology but I realised that I would be worn out from empathy. Seriously, I would. I also don’t have the bed manners for any other sort of health and social care. So I began to think of ‘low grade’ jobs. You know, stocking shelves, mopping floors etc. Basically working in a shop since you get to work on your own most of the time and occasionally with others and there’s flexibility. That’s the main thing I want. Flexibility.

I then spent about 5 hours on my tumblr blog HTML and thought maybe something in computers since then there is even less social interaction and technically there’s room to work at home. But we’ll see what Friday brings.

Another thing I realise that whilst my bipolar moods are mostly close to a realm of stability, my ‘normal’ moods tend to react in overdrive to situations and stimulus. Get in a slightly upsetting argument. Suicidal, angry and self harming. That is the degree to which this gets.

On a final note: I got an email today from someone who works for the campain, I don’t know whether you’ve heard about it called “You’ve got this” which is basically giving hope to people with bipolar and for every video they donate $10 to To Write Love On Her Arms charity (think it’s a charity). The link they gave me was: www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/youve-got-this and they apparently found me from my ‘science blog bipolar brain’ post, which is cool. Apparently they work for the marketing team of healthline. So if you’re feeling particularly brave, outgoing and wanting to help bipolar people like yourself. I think this would be a good campaign to do. I’ve considered do it, but 17? Not going to have many pearls of wisdom… plus the whole avoiding stalkers thing. I don’t know. Do any of you think you could do it?

 

Dropping out

So for the past few weeks I’ve been faced with an impossible challenge and to paraphrase Shakespeare: “To drop out or not to drop out” – of school that is.

Now, my outreach worker Toni originally said that the best thing, she thought, for me was to leave school. I was torn. My dad didn’t want me dropping out unless I had something else to do. My consultant has never commented. But I was still torn. I asked JS and her opinion was I should stay so she isn’t alone, if the reason for her wanting me to stay was more focused on me, I wouldn’t mind but it wasn’t so did her opinion really count as anything for me? No, not really. So I asked the only person I know who has been in a similar situation due to her aspergers. She said I should do what would be best for my mental state. So I thought. I used to have a day off a week, a day turned into 3, 3 days turned into entire weeks off school I didn’t much see the point in still going when I’d missed a lot of lesson content.

My decision may have been spur of the moment. Maybe it was the panic attacks and the no sleep the night before I had to go to school. Maybe it was the fact I haven’t spoken to anyone in the mental health profession in months about my declining mental state because my dad was in the same room. Maybe it was even my wish to do nothing but watch tv shows all day. Any of those could have forced my hand to decide that dropping out of college (which would be the equivalent to high school in America) and I know that I regret the decision on and off because it doesn’t make a difference what I do anymore. I’m on 100mg of Lamotrigine and I seen no end to my depression, I can’t remember whether the consultant said it works better on depression or mania but I haven’t see a rise in the depression. I’ve had manic moments recently which lends credit to the fact I could be going into an area of mania but I don’t know if that’s true or not.

I’ve kind of given up on guessing.

My sleep schedule is kind of fucked up at the moment. I know it usually is but I’ve been falling asleep at 6am and waking up around 10am – 11am or sometimes saying up till 10am and sleeping till 2am. Not exactly the healthiest sleep schedule but not the most unhealthiest I’ve ever had, so I guess that’s something positive.

My plans for the next few months I hear you ask?
No idea.
No freaking clue.
Suggestions are welcome.

I’d say try and get better but aside from taking my medication and staying vaguely social, that’s not a lot I can do. I know I’ll get suggestions on what I can do to make myself better but I really am not in the mood for a pep talk from professionals who REALLY don’t seem to know what they’re doing.