I don’t want to reread my last blog post so I may or may not be filling in the gaps. I’m pretty sure I told you about how I was dating RH or at least that we had done stuff. We dated for about a month and I had sex with him twice (he wasn’t great) before we had another messy split and I do mean full on messy. After the break up… He didn’t care. I got drunk a lot. It was bad. Luckily I had GC to pick up the pieces, not that I could tell him why I was so down without explaining the overlap of RH and GC dating. But as far as I can tell both myself and RH have moved onto other people and I deleted him on everything but snapchat and then he deleted me on that. We won’t be contacting each other again I don’t think.
I won’t go through why he and I broke up because I’m honestly trying to put that behind me because it was so hard trying to get over him and I can’t say I’m fully there yet but I’m in a better place with it. I’m not getting drunk and crying at least. So there is that. But I will say that after a large deliberation, there was fault on both sides before the break up and he was a fucking awful prick afterwards. He hurt me without directly talking to me and ignoring me but again, it isn’t really fair of me to say without explaining it but I think that’s the best I can say. One day I may fully explain what happened but I really just want to put RH behind me.
GC is someone new. I got with him after RH broke up with me the first time and then when RH and I broke up again a week or so later I had him there for me. But due to overlap I couldn’t tell him about RH.
GC is 26 years old so there is a reasonably big age gap which at first kinda caused issues because he fell head over heels for me whilst I was, for most of our relationship, trying to get over RH so I didn’t fall as fast as he did. So his ‘I love you’ (which I have returned), his talking of moving in together, marriage, kids… all seemed a bit premature for me. An 18 year old who just found the world again.
I did actually warm up to the idea of moving in together especially what with me and my dad at odds all the time but when I had warmed up to that, the marriage/engagement thing got more serious so that whilst what I thought was a joking (though uncomfortable) discussion between him and his niece when we were in town about weddings became a little less of a joke when he took me to get my ring finger measure in a ring shop. I didn’t react straight away because of the borderline personality disorder (yep another diagnosis btw), I don’t trust myself to react so I gave myself some time to digest what happened. I talked to my friends. JS (who I knew from college and got back into contact with again actually due to RH), EC and FM and they all thought “what the fuck” like I did.
So my original plan was for me to tell him last Sunday I wanted a break. No sleeping with other people or anything but just some time to feel less smoothered. But when I was coming home from a youth council meeting, he could tell something was off. I had apparently not returned his ‘I love you’ 3 times that day (one of those times I did realise I did because I wasn’t supposed to be on my phone so kept it short and sweet) and whilst I kept saying everything was okay, he asked if he could call. We ended up talking it out and he got really upset and I didn’t ask for a break because I didn’t want to be alone this weekend. So we made up and he’s slowed down a little bit. Which is good.
We do however have plans to move in together this summer which I don’t know whether I want to go through with or not. Not so much because I don’t love him or want to be with him but I’m starting school again so I don’t know if it’ll work practically. See, I signed up for school just before RH and I met up and I signed up for counselling course. Which costs about £465 (I think) and I had to put a £50 deposit down. After RH and I broke up but I had been around his nieces and GC nieces and nephew, I realised I was good with kids and wanted instead to do a childcare course so I signed up for that one. Now these two colleges are about 30 miles apart. If I live with GC, I live closer to town so I can get the bus and train to these places (the childcare college is close to town about a 20 minute walk from the centre and also means it’s easier to get to the train station to the counselling one as well) but it also would make it a lot more expensive and my dad wouldn’t be able to take me if i didn’t live with him… Also I feel he wouldn’t speak to me again if I did move out because of money.
But all of this sounds like I’m beginning to put my life together and I am a little bit. I didn’t think I’d see this day. But the thing is that the bipolar is mostly okay now and stable but the borderline is very obvious not the bipolar has gone and has very detrimental affects. Please read this to know more about the disorder. My abandonment issues vary from clinging to a person or pushing them away so I don’t get hurt (which is what I did with RH but trying not to do with GC). I am very self critical and insecure but luckily GC is just as insecure as I am.
I still take lithium and have regular appointments with my psychiatric nurse which I’m glad of because I very desperately need people to talk to. Recently, I have found and it might be related to the bpd that I can’t be on my own. I get very depressed if I don’t have someone to be around. Even if it’s a skype mic chat in my room or a phone call with someone. I need that because I can’t deal with myself and my thoughts. I spend just about every weekend now with GC and try and fill my week with my friends.
This week is half term so I didn’t have girls group and voice group. So I spent bank holiday Monday with Guy until about midday and then I went to see JS but that wasn’t as great as the other times because she brought her sister along so we couldn’t talk about personal stuff. I saw EC and her new house on Tuesday and slept over until Wednesday when I then had to get the bus back to the city and buy some stuff for people and today my brother and I went to the cinema and we saw Unfriended. Tomorrow I have my psych nurse and the doctor whom I am seeing about issues with my foot turning in. Saturday I am seeing my older brother which I kinda feel forced into doing because I missed seeing him last time because I was spending time with RH. So I missing my weekend with GC to see him and then seeing GC on the Sunday and possibly Monday too. Though seeing him on Monday could raise some issues as I need to be home in the mornings to take my brother to school so I can’t sleep over Sunday. I’m willing to spend all day with him but I need to help my brother with his anxiety so I’ll have to work that out.
Overall, when I’m good, I’m really good and when I’m feeling bad I’m really bad. Once I’m fully over RH, I think the emotional depression when alone will lift and be easier but for now it’s what I’m stuck with.