38 weeks: Gestational Diabetes.

The last week or so has been a whirlwind for me. I saw my midwife on 6th July and my fundal height was 5cm below where it should be, had a scan the next day and baby was measuring above the 90th percentile and had a scan review – they were pretty confused as to how the baby can be big but the fundal height was small. I got booked for a gestational diabetes (GTT – Glucose Test) for the next day and it came back that I have gestational diabetes.

In all fairness it does make sense, I mean the symptoms are pretty similar to pregnancy except the extreme thirst I get especially after dinner and it turns out the reason for that is because of GD. I got the results on the Monday (I was supposed to get them on the Saturday before) and on the Wednesday I was booked in to see the diabetics nurse and dietician. The dietician wasn’t great, she repeated a lot and could have cut her section down to 10 minutes with just a “these are the levels in food you need to know, here’s a few suggestions”, after was a one on one with the diabetic nurse who put me in as high priority with an appointment yesterday at the diabetics clinic. The next bit was teaching you how to use the monitor. Four times a day I have to prick myself with a little needle and write down the result. It’s tedious and I feel sorry for the people who have to do it for months. Or even years if they actually have type 1 or 2. To be honest though, diet controlled works for me and I know sometimes that diet controlled only works for a small amount of time but I have a small amount of time left.

The diabetes clinic was an appointment with: a nurse, an obstetrician and a dietitian. The nurse did my blood pressure and urine. The dietitian told me to just follow the diet laid down the day before. The obstetrician is where things got more interesting. She told me I could ONLY go to term but that really due to the size of the baby they want to induce. She gave me a membrane sweep in the hope of moving things along – if you don’t know what that is, I’ll tell you. The doctor gloves up, shoves fingers far into you (further than any person has ever fingered a person, I can promise you), fidgets around and IT HURTS. She told me she would stop if it hurt too badly but I know the memory of the pain would be worse than the pain itself so I just let her continue. She told me she had booked me for an induction on Friday 22nd July. I go in and 9am and don’t come out for a really long time. From what I can understand what happens, you get 3 pessary shots of hormones, 6 hours apart if after those 3 nothing has happened you can get a drip and they may artificially break your water, if that doesn’t get things started then c-section… C-section is also pretty likely for me since I am small and the baby is big.

So this next week is me spending time finishing a to-do list, I have written a lot of them over the past few weeks and I never finish them. But I wrote a more doable one this time and have already crossed off a lot of things. I asked my partner to help me with some of them and he does but he gets annoyed at having to do some of them. I then don’t ask him. Mentally, I’ve been rather down recently. I always expected the baby to be early (before 40 weeks) and due to being in latent labour since 36+3 weeks, I thought one final push (the membrane sweep) would start things off and I’m disappointed that it hasn’t. I now am looking at a 2-5 day stay in hospital due to needing mental health, diabetes and possibly surgery aftercare. Plus the labour itself. No one really seems to understand. I don’t like hospitals, I mean I really don’t but the extent to which I don’t like them doesn’t seem to be that clear to anyone really. Plus the chances of postnatal depression rise when complications arise during labour (looks like that’ll happen).

Plus with things not being so great living with my dad for both myself and my partner… Just makes things harder. But that’s a blog for another day.


Three Weeks Without EMDR

Today was my first appointment of EMDR after 3 weeks of nothing and I remember just why I hate it. It’s like looking through rose tinted goggles for three weeks and then going back and remembering why you hate doing something so much.

Basically it boils down to my dose will probably be upped again next week or another medication will be added.

I have trust issues with everyone which when I told my dad, he decided that this wasn’t about me but about him and the family. Thanks for that by the way, pa.

Part of the reason I’m still depressed is I’m conditioned that way. Which means when I’m in the depressed phase, I make myself more depressed by focusing on negativity rather than the positivity.

I should do exercise apparently. My choice: self defence. Her answer: tai chi stuff. My thought: boxing or some form of core work that means when I punch someone in the face it actually hurts.

I also have to actually start EMDR on the worst memory if I want to get better. nopenopenope.

Apparently also no should not be apart of my vocabulary and mindfulness is again the thing I need to look up.

I should also go to JLS’ birthday. I still haven’t decided.

I’m just wanting pills, that solution is always favoured for me.

That’s pretty much all I can think of right now.

Science Blog: Why antidepressants cause mania/rapid cycling

Antidepressants and MAOIs both of which increase functional monoamines (contribute to stable moods, and an excess or deficiency of monoamines seems to cause or result from several mood disorders) neurotrammiters (E.G. norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin), are known to precipitate mania or rapid-cycling in an estimated 20-30% of patients.

There has recently reported a strong association between velo-cardio-facial syndrome (VCFS) patients diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, and an allele encoding the low enzyme activity catechol-O-methyl (controls the degradition of the enzymes for dopamine, endrinephrine and norepinephrine) transferase variant (COMT L).

Between 85-90% of VCFS patients are hemizygous (an individual who has only one member of a chromosome pair or chromosome segment rather than the usual two) for COMT.

Homozygosity (The state of possessing two identical forms of a particular gene) for the low activity allele (COMT LL) is associated with a 3-4 fold reduction of COMT enzyme activity compared with homozygotes for the high activity variant (COMT HH).

There is nearly an equal distribution of L and H alleles in Caucasians. Individuals with COMT LL would be expected to have higher levels of transynaptic catecholamines due to a reduced COMT degradation of norepinephrine and dopamine.

It is therefore hypothesized that the frequency of COMT L would be greater in Rapid Cycling BPD ascertained from the general population. Significantly, we found that the frequency of COMT L was higher in the ultra-ultra rapid cycling variant of BPD than among all other groups studied .

These findings indicate that COMT L could represent a modifying gene that predisposes to ultra-ultra or ultradian cycling in patients with bipolar disorder.

EMDR app #1

EMDR is a tiring process. I mean I haven’t even got onto the bad stuff yet. She showed me what she would do by processing a mild irritant in the past few days which was just people annoying me with incessant texting. Basically I had to rate it and it was a one, then it went up to a three – the EMDR made it worse and then back down to less than one and I’m just tired from that. THAT. I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to deal with the big stuff but the part of me thinks “hey do it now and then you can sleep”. I don’t know, I’ll have a think. I’m not ready to promise that I’ll deal with the big stuff next week or the week after because I was almost having a panic attack just doing that and I am completely strung out, emotionally and psychially (that is not spelt right, I’m just too tired to care).

I know a lot of people find the benefit after the first session but I don’t think I’m one of those people which is okay, sucky but okay because it’s gotta get worse before it gets better, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I also got a relaxtion tape which is sort of against what I believe in, like I don’t believe it works but I suppose everything has to have some evidence behind it. It’s just a lot of things that are meant to relax me, put me more on edge. I think it’s a hypervigilance thing. I feel myself relaxing, I feel I can’t react in time to danger so I don’t relax. Just constantly feeling on edge.

A friend who did it said I’ll be emotionally raw for the next few days and more sensitive, I’ll warn my dad because I have recently been getting triggered by the fact my dad tells me about all the injustice sexual assualt stories and the barrister who wants to lower the legal age for sex limit from 16 to 13. THIRTEEN! no. I know there are 13 year olds doing it anyway but it’s not legal and it shouldn’t be.

I haven’t been to school since Tuesday. So instead of having a day off a week, I’m going to school one day in a week. Which is messed up, I just am too strung out to do anything. It’s not the prozac, never the prozac (psst side effects so far is nausea which as side effects go isn’t that bad) it’s the mental illnesses, anxiety and insomnia that are stopping me. I am lucky in a sense because natural intelligence and the bits I did go in for and my grades last year mean that I will get the 5 C grades I need to get to A levels and the only grades I need to worry about is science with a B and maths with a C and yes this is pretty much me repeating myself over and over again but it’s probably just a reassurance to me that I can just get by.


The bipolar and psychosis specialist app#1

*I apologise in advance for spelling and grammar errors*

Meet a new running feature. So yes, appointment one and boy was it a one. I will explain. I told her about the sexual assualt incident, a little about my mum, the panic attacks, the depression and well I basically got diagnosed PTSD. Even though she is a BP and psychosis specialist she’s going to try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitatison and Reprocessing) which from what I read on the sheet she gave me and what she said is basically something where they like move things in front of your eyes, make you think of the most horrid incident and that can usually trigger other things and it’s like reprogramming your eyes which reprograms your left side of the brain and the right side of the brain and well, apparently it will be very emotional and very draining.

I promise I’ll try but it’s such against everything ingrained in me, usually I avoid my problems so to face such terrible ones head on is going to be so difficult. I mean just talking about it now has made me so tired, emotionally and physically. I have tension in my shoulders and was taught that I should go to my happy place. I said my room but I don’t really feel relaxed anywhere. But I suppose my room is the safest place.

But I told her and if I get the PTSD out the way, bipolar should be easier. But I’m tired now, so if I remember anymore I’ll just call it “what i remembered from app#1” – I am going to sleep a little.


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I went to the bathroom at school after the library and was sitting in the bathroom stall trying to calm the depression down and I saw a poster. This poster, a breast cancer poster where everyone had wrote down confessions and encouraging words and it shocked me. I never realised that other people in my school were depressed or suicidal or struggling with their sexuality. It really surprised me. It made me realise you never know what someone is thinking.

I of course wrote some kind words back:

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My days

I was sick on Thursday, like throwing up sick. I had a panic attack that morning and then an hour later I was throwing up. I have put it down to three things: high prolactin level, anxiety or coeliac disease which after a long battle with I am getting tested for it sometime this year. I am not looking forward to it but I will, probably a home test and then get it confirmed if it comes out positive. Usually I’m very curious and want to know everything but I like cake so risks versus the prize. I. Like. Cake. That’s it 🙂

Today, the flashbacks sensations and replays in my head, all day! I don’t know what triggered that but they were on and off, all day and it winds me up so much that this happens. I can never catch a break and no one cares when I tell them. I mean I used to think it was my own fault I got no sympathy or help as I never asked or told anyone anything but now I see, it was the smartest thing I could have fucking done because NO. ONE. CARES. The sooner you realise that, the sooner you’ll accept that all you have is yourself and your books and whatever else makes you feel better but it has to be inaminate objects but you will rarely find a person who truly cares and if you do, you won’t even be on the same time zone so it makes talking difficult because you have to pause because you’re at school and then they have to because they’re at school and sleeping is different and one of you may have insomnia, the other doesn’t and that has to be taken into account and by the end of it, you can never have a conversation.

So what do I do? Do I accept bipolar disorder and PTSD as my life and just slowly withdraw from a social life at least? Because the greatest things that have happened to me this past year have happened with you, my followers. With the people I meet online, opening me up to new experiences. Books which I can help give information on and my opinion and actually have it listened to. People who will listen. People who care. As much as this sounds pathetic and cliche for a teenager to say. No one I see in real life does care and I want to scream at that fact because they act like they do but everyone just has gotten bored. But I still have the stigma. I mean you really should have been in my sociology class. We were talking about crime and deviance and my teacher asked if there was any non sociological arguments for why people commit crime and psychological problems came up. NOW! I agree, kleptomania being the biggest one and thank fuck that was the first one said but people said schizophrenia. Now, I don’t have schizophrenia, I know people who do and from the bit of research I’ve done schizophrenia does not cause a person to shoplift. If they have kleptomania or are schizoaffective and have manic episodes, shoplifting maybe. But that is how ignornant people are and the little education about mental illness and don’t fucking preach to me equality when you advocate mental illness discrimination by not only pointing out by posters that bipolar people are more likely to go on drugs but by fueling the stereotype. Also, why bipolar posters? Statisitics suggest more students are likely to be depressed so that’d be more general. Or what about how teens are likely to try it so one directed at teens. Since we all are teens in this school. So get your act together.

Call from the psychiatrist

Psychiatrist called today, as planned and he told me to stop risperidone and get a blood test for prolactin and that it would be best if we were to change the antipsychotic so we made an appointment for the 7th May. Early afternoon. I’m glad to be off those drugs, they were such a pain.

I don’t like talking to people over the phone, there is so much maybe in it. I want to see a person’s face when I talk to them. I can tell what I’m thinking. I went shopping for a box – yes. A box. I found a 100 ltr one for £10 but depression makes me indescive so I stood there for 10 minutes thinking “do i need this?” and “where would I put it” and just could not make up my mind to buy it and well the new philosphy is that if depression is making me indecisive then pick the cheaper option. Which was to not get it and I’m still having an internal battle about whether I should have got it.

I got pretty mad with my dad in the doctor surgery  because I was putting foundation on the scars on my wrist just in case the blood test was today as the head doctor said it could be and I asked my dad if he know why I was doing this and he said no. Thanks for forgetting. Made some jokes after I told him why. I said it was mean of him to joke. He said it was a form of escapism. I suppose we can all only deal with so much.

I also feel I need to make a choice about friends but I can’t decide when they both have days where they annoy me and both have days when they’re pretty great. I can’t even pick to buy a box. How can I choose between people?
I can’t that’s what.

Also! Shout out to my fellow Hay Fever Sufferers, we people gonna have a tough time this summer. If the pollen count hasn’t risen where you are and hay fever is not currently affecting you, then just be warned. It’s coming. If you haven’t tried them, I’d try hay fever tablets. I take them and I find they do help. My throat isn’t scratchy, I’m not sneezing and my eyes stay in their non watery state.

Insomnia does NOT mean I never sleep

Several times my dad and brother have woken me up unnecessarily and when I yell at them for waking me, they say:
“I thought you didn’t sleep”
“I just wanted to see if you were awake”
And THEN! ask some dumb question which could have waited until I had woken up.

You have a dictionary and the internet. Insomnia means little sleep, not no sleep.

Now, as for the pills. From what I’ve read it is EXTREMELY likely I am going off them due to side effects so I have to call the psychiatrist and possibly no school tomorrow (yay) depends what happens and how I feel tomorrow.


Ah, P.I.E.R. How you and I are going to argue…

P. sychosis
I. ntervention
E. arly
R. ecovery

What’s that? Why are you going to that? You have never mentioned that psychosis specifically was on the cards! I bet these are the things you are thinking right now. Well… when you have found an answer comment because I don’t know. I mean I know I hallucinate but hallucinating and psychosis are two different things right? Well that’s what I was lead to believe. Firstly, my psychiatrist said that the hallucinations were mood related for me and once I had treated the moods the hallucinations would go. He made it sound like no big deal. Secondly, the bipolar and psychosis specialist made me believe that she treated both and no specialised in one. Thirdly, it’s a bit late for ‘Early Recovery’. Early recovery passed you by several months ago.

But you know what pisses me off most about this?
The fact they don’t talk to me. They didn’t say to me once: I think we need to look closely at your psychotic symptoms because of this, this and this. I think you should become a part of P.I.E.R because this, this and this and this is what we believe to be going on… Instead they say we have an appointment to look closely at ambiguous matters and then send me a 2 paged letter with my line of contact and a leaflet about P.I.E.R which after my dinner I will take a picture of and link to my photo blog just because it’s easier if you see it. You know what?! If you guys can’t be bothered to talk to me about MY treatment then I can’t be bothered to divulge or the deepest, darkest secrets of my soul and make it easy for you. NO! YOU ARE GOING TO WORK FOR IT!

Side effects

Last night I slept 5 hours. I also had a very vivid nightmare so I woke up very anxious. I’m having problems with depersonalization which I’ve never had during mania, yes a little problem with realism (due to the inflated self esteem) but not depersonalization. I know there is a trade off with medications like this but let’s make up a little list to see whether it’s worth it.

For the pills

  1. More sleep
  2. Is showing to slightly control mood
  3. Controlling rapid speech

Against pills

  1. Stiff muscles
  2. More vivid nightmares so sleep doesn’t really count
  3. All it is doing is lessening mania (rather than correcting it)
  4. Depersonalization
  5. Headaches

What I can remember of the side effects, sure there is more. But I was researching and found that making nightmares worse can happen when you mix risperidone and PTSD. I mean in anything it’s the worth of the side effects so a headache is nothing compared to sleeping more but when they are infringed by nightmares that are very vivid, it hardly seems worth it. But I’ve woken up with a lot of energy today (and chest pains) so I’ll just have to be careful.

Day 2 (the last day post)

Last week I cooked a pizza. It took me 20 mins to have it ready. My brother and dad are cooking a pizza. I have heard every profantity avaliable to english language and heard the 5 stages of grief. They started an hour ago. I feel like I cooked my pizza wrong.
So side effects, stiff muscles wore off today after a while but came back before I had taken my next dose. Headaches. My pupils have been constricted all day but since that is not really a known side effect of risparidone but has come up to be related to mania, I don’t think it’s related just interesting. Problem is having stiff muscles; being in pain. Isn’t exactly helpful when all your body wants to do is move but again I’ve calmed down so am going to get an hour or two of sleep whilst I can because I was up all last night. But I’m not tired, well my body is but my mind is. If you get it.

First day of risperdal

So I wasn’t going to write a blog like “first day” “second day” but I feel like I should because I’m having a little bit of a hard time with the side effects. I know a lot of people would say it’s too early for side effects but think of it like this, if you got stabbed the physical pain would be immediate. But the emotional trauma of it would take weeks. Hence why I am suffering from stiff muscles, I mean they are stiff and they kill. I mean it really only hurts where my muscles were already tense (shoulders, head, hands and arm). It hurts, a lot. But it’s difficult because I can’t move my muscles because they’re still but because I’m going up (slowly) it means I want to move faster but physically can’t.

I’ve had a fever for the past 2-3 days and it could be due to mania because I read that when manic there is a high level of seretonin and having a high level of seretonin can give a person a person a fever – even if just a little bit of one.

I’ve tried creative things but due to the fact my fingers and hands are still stiff; organising, hama beads and baking are all off the table. So at the moment I’m okay as the high phase has dipped a bit but later when it goes back up what do I do to pass the time? How do I get rid of this energy?

I received CSI Series 9 today, I could watch that but I feel high with energy and sitting still just isn’t an option but I’m in too much pain to do anything physical. But I feel like I just want to buy things so I’m getting off the internet why I’m still in control. I might get my dad to change the password and not give it to me until mania has gone. I don’t know I just feel very hyped up.

Also, the incredibly talented Amy has got out her paperbacks for her book Progress, can be bought here:



Sleep and stuff

Best. Title. Ever.
Before I write about sleep, I’ll just give a few updates. Still depressed. Not going back to the unit. Apparently JLS thinks that I need to know about any mentally ill person with anxiety she knows – I don’t. I won’t get on with every mentally unwell person in my area so for the love of God I don’t need to know about your cousion. Mean? yes. But I don’t care. I really don’t care if JLS has some cousion that she doesn’t really speak to with who has ‘mental issues’ whatever that ambiguous statement means and anxiety. I mean, this sounds cruel but life is short and unless this is going to affect me in some way, don’t tell me this stuff. If I’m never going to meet the girl, don’t tell me because I don’t have enough brain space for it. But aside from that annoyance today my isolation is going pretty well. I’ve spent it watching random TV shows and just had to venture out my hole today to go the dentist but aside from that it’s going well. Hm, maybe my lack of sympathy is due to my not interacting with humans… huh.

Now sleep, so basically my sleep pattern has adjusted so I sleep at 6am and wake at 9am and stay in bed either through laziness or dissociativeness or occassionally sleep until 4pm and I waste my day so I’m trying to change it so I fall asleep at midnight and am ready to get up at a reasonable hour. So.. I researched sleep. What did I find?

Sleep deprivation and the effects.

But first we must ask… what is sleep?

Well sleep is sleep but there are stages.

  • Drowsiness (stage 1): Your heart rate slows down, you start to breathe slower and your metabolism slows down. This stage usually lasts five to twenty minutes.
  • Light sleep (stage 2): Brain activity is lower than during stage 1. This type of sleep constitutes about half of the total sleep time.
  • Deep sleep (stages 3 and 4): During these stages the brain activity is at its lowest. The body produces almost no stress hormones but a lot of growth hormones.
  • Dream sleep, REM sleep (stage 5): During this stage the eyes are moving rapidly behind the eyelids, hence the name Rapid Eye Movement (REM). During this stage breathing gets faster, the heart beats faster and the blood pressure rises. The brain now works in a similar way as when we are awake. You can dream during all stages of sleep, but dreams are most common during this stage.

Sleep is NOT a bank. You can’t store it up and then go days on little sleep.  Nor can you overdraw without penalty and then make up sleep needs on weekends.

Sleep deprivation reduces emotional intelligence and constructive thinking skills. It affects body weight, the immune system, and more.

Total sleep deprivation can cause higher energy user (increased metabolism and consequent weight loss), reduction in higher-level cognitive abilities, and a reduction in the effectiveness of the immune system and increased susceptibility to infection.  In bad cases, people with total sleep deprivation can get skin lesions and irregular heart beats.

Partial sleep deprivation is harder to pin down, partly because there is no “right” amount of sleep for a person and because the desire for sleep and tendency to fall asleep fall along a continuum.  However, we can say that partial sleep deprivation has some of the same effects, although at lower levels.  Chronic short sleep, arguably a form of partial sleep deprivation, leads to increased body mass (in contrast to short-term total sleep deprivation which makes the subject lose weight.)

How does a lack of sleep affect the body?

A person who loses one night’s sleep will generally be irritable and clumsy during the next day and will either become tired easily or speed up because of adrenalin. After missing two night’s sleep, a person will have problems concentrating and will begin to make mistakes on normal tasks. Three missed nights and a person will start to hallucinate and lose grasp of reality.

Sleep deprivation seems to increase levels of inflammatory mediators such as IL-1, IL-6 and TNF.   What does this mean?  It doesn’t definitely mean anything, but it might mean a lot of things.  Inflammation is associated with (scientists aren’t willing to use the word “cause”) a number of long-term chronic illnesses such as heart problems and cancer.  There is no smoking gun leaking restricted sleep to these conditions, but it is reasonable to assume poor sleep increases the change of developing health problems.

Sleep debt is associated with melancholic symptoms and clinical depression.

It may increase the severity of the chronic problems seen in conjunction with aging.  It affects carbohydrate metabolism the same way diabetes does (at least in the short run) and produces higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the evenings and generally more activity of the sympathetic nervous system.  t

People with sleep debt also take more risks.  A test of sleep deprived blackjack players found they correctly assessed the increased risk of certain bets in the same manner as rested players did, but were more willing to place bets on the higher risk propositions.

The decline in performance can be measured through behavioral tests and advanced imaging systems can even show lower levels of blood-bourne oxygen being delivered to important areas in the brains of those deprived of sleep for 24 hours.

Scientists found thata single night of sleep loss (total deprivation) reduces a person’s ability to distinguish between relevant and irrelevant stimuli in the visual working memory, while 4 consecutive nights of sleep limited to 4 hours/night does not reduce this ability nearly as much.  This difference has implications for military commanders assigning personnel in stressful situations.

The cognitive penalty affects not only math and language skills, but also emotional intelligence and soft skills.  Modern understanding of intelligence holds that each individual has multiple types of intelligence – e.g. interpersonal, coping, analytic.  Tests have shown that all types of intelligence fall after sleep deprivation.  The tendency to magical thinking and belief in superstition rises. Which for some people is damaging.

The effect on body weight

Although insufficient sleep is a risk factor for obesity, total sleep deprivation causes weight loss.  Animals that are forced to stay awake lose weight rapidly, and even humans report feeling cold when forced to remain awake for extended periods (humans are not subject to extreme sleep deprivation tests the way animals are, but anecdotal evidence from people who accidentally face total sleep deprivation indicates weight loss.)

How can we resolve this apparent contradiction?  Does sleep loss make us lose weight or gain weight?  Scientific investigation has shown the body uses more energy during periods of sleep loss, but that the rate of energy use depends on the rate of sleep loss.  During total sleep deprivation, the brain accumulates sleep debt at a rapid rate, and energy use is high – so high that the animal or person loses weight.

In the more common situation of partial sleep deprivation – chronic insufficient sleep – the rate of extra energy expenditure is low and the body can accommodate.  Here the effects of the sleep loss on the appetite system swamp any extra energy consumed.

So to sum up:

There seems to be a connection between long term sleep problems and cardiovascular diseases and depression. Sleep deprivation also lowers the immune defense and can cause heightened sensitivity to pain, which can worsen the symptoms of pain diseases like fibromyalgia and arthritis. Sleep deprivation can also be a factor behind elevated blood pressure. Sleep in itself has a reducing effect on blood pressure and with too little sleep the body’s ability to regulate blood pressure is reduced.

Sleep also helps to regulate our feelings of hunger and satisfaction. According to some studies the body’s amount of leptine, a hormone that makes us fell sated, is reduced with less sleep. At the same time the amount of ghrelin, a hormone that makes us feel hungry, increases. So it seems as if there is a connection between sleep deprivation and obesity, and all the diseases that are related to obesity.

Sleep is also important for our body’s ability to take care of free radicals. These molecules are a factor in the aging of cells and seem to increase the risk of cancer.

Sleep is very important, for body, mind and our general well-being. Long term sleep problems often contribute to a lowered quality of life.

A table to sum up for shorter purposes:

Short term effects:

  • Sleepiness
  • Mood swings
  • Short term memory deterioration
  • Diminished ability to come up with, plan and carry out activities
  • Difficulty concentrating

Long term effects:

  • Obesity
  • Early aging
  • Exhaustion
  • Increased risk of infections, diabetes, cardiovascular diseases and gastrointestinal diseases
  • Chronic memory loss
  • Weakened immune system



You probably are all wondering why so soon.
Well, I stopped talking, stopped eating, became very depressed and whenever I did talk it was through tears. But then the nurses and doctors and people saw that with family I was happier and would talk and even laugh despite being depressed. I also was getting migraines everyday, backaches from the bed and stress stomach aches.
Also, the staff there were terrible. Not all, just most. For example there was this room called the ‘Quiet Room’ and I would be sitting in there crying and this man came in and asked if I was okay and I said no and he left saying ‘oh’. This wasn’t a one time thing. Many times this happened but with answers such as ‘I’ll get someone else’ or “I’ve got something else to do” and the one person who did talk to me said “let me go write this in your file and I’ll come back and talk to you for a few minutes” Never came back. I cried all through the night. Was disengaged from activities because I was too depressed and would only speak to patients. So I begged my dad to get me out and he spoke with the doctor and they came to the mutual agreement that I am to be let out – it wasn’t clear if this was leave (which is where I’ll come back next Tuesday) or being discharged. I think It’s discharged and I go to my appointment on the 9th of April. The only thing I will miss is the other patients. They were lovely. If I dwell too much on how much I actually miss them, it’ll make me sad so I’m just focusing on the negatives.


Okay, so maybe all is not lost because my dad called my psychiatrist (ex-psychiatrist – whatever) and he got me a bed at Oakham house. Now intitally I don’t trust anything that has nature thing in it and isn’t nature. Like “rainbow room” – I don’t know what the hell a rainbow room is but I don’t trust it. But my dad and I agreed that it would be best because he wants me well and I want to sleep again and get GCSEs and go to places and stuff but you can’t do that if you’re mentally unwell.

I researched, obviously. Knowledge is power and if i’m going to spend over night (over many nights probably) somewhere then I need to know about it. So what have I found out (bullet list):

  • Oakham House is an in-patient unit which admits up to 10 children and young people between the ages of 11 – 18 who have mental health issues. – 10 people, that sounds too intimate for my liking and 11-18 that leaves a large gap of ages which isn’t something I’m particularly comfortable with because one of the most brilliant things about the modern era for people who suffer from social anxiety is that in cities and towns everyone is cut off from everyone and whilst that is sad. For me and other social anxiety sufferers it is a good thing. So am I happy about how intimate thing is going to be? Not really. Will I be happy if I have to make friends with some 11 year old. Nope.
  • They will provide assessment and then if necessary treatment and diagnosis of a range of conditions including, psychosis, depression, anxiety related disorders, Behavioural disturbances, eating disorders and Learning Disability associated with mental health. What’s a learning disabilty associated with mental health?
  • The treatment package includes individual and group work. The Child and the family are an integral part of the process and will be involved in all aspects of the care. What’s group work? Is that like group therapy or work with the family because I’m not a fan of either… okay maybe I can get on board with group therapy because I like hearing people’s stories but I don’t actually want my dad to come over and be all theraputic because it might make me sick.
  • The medical staff will see them individually at least once a week and will provide assessment and other psychological work to help them. The therapists will work with them individually and in groups. Not only does that answer my question about group therapy but it also questions how often I’ll be seen, I may not feel like opening up everyday.
  • The inpatient unit is on one site with access to the three community teams within the service and we have 18 nurses, 1 consultant psychiatrist, 2 occupational Therapists, 2 Family Therapist, 1 teacher and 1 Psychologist. I swear to God if a teacher comes to me in the holidays I will be really pissed off, I will do my own revision and I don’t know why you need so many family therapists and what the hell is an occupational therapist? I don’t have an occupation and I bet neither does the 11 year olds. Actually I doubt any person who goes in there does because let’s face it, they’re either too young or too ill or both.
  • We can admit up to 10 people at any one time and have around 100 admissions a year. Uncomfortable!
  • I can bring my phone with no sim card and they can give me a sim card so i can text my family. Lovely really. I bet that’s so they can check up on us. No cameras or iPods. okay… how am I going to survive without music?

This is going to be hell.

But since I will very unlikely be able to get on the internet after 9:30am tomorrow, I’ll answer comments, emails and pigeon mail until then. So yes, I will miss the blogging and if I am ever able to get on the internet I will write a quick blog about how I’m doing. You better all miss me. *psst* if you can answer any of my questions that I haven’t answered myself I’d be grateful *psst*

Let me summarise my day.

After I tried to commit suicide on Sunday, I went doctors and she said that everything was fine and to go to my regular GP (he wasn’t in that day, which is fair enough, I’m not demanding) and so I saw him today. He actually had the results of the blood test that was supposed to take 10 days – but I found that awesome. Anyway, everything was fine except my stress hormone was exceptionally high, the highest my doctor has ever seen on someone my age and there is indeed no way of getting it down but luckily that doesn’t affect the antipsychcotics I’m going to be put on. Which by the way on my file says I’m already on. I’m not on them so somewhere along the line someone fucked up communication.
So my doctor said that best course was to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Now he said the plan was that he call someone at CAMHS to come down to A&E (accident and emergency like an ER) and assess me but we had to wait for a call from the CAMHS person whose sort of like a social worker. We waited. She rang. I argued with he because she was fobbing me off with some “support in the evenings” bullshit. My evenings are busy. My dad can’t see in the dark. I have homework and revision to do. I need a one time quick fix not evenings are bullshit with pricks. So I hung up. She rang back but talked to my dad and said she’d talk to my psychiatrist and see what he thinks. I threw a temper tantrum saying how I’ve been abused, abandoned, I’ve raised a child (my brother) when I was still only a child and she has the audacity to imply I don’t know what’s right for me anyway. I calmed down and we went on a drive.
An hour or so later she calls back saying my psychiatrist would rather see me at 12:30pm tomorrow. I told my dad I refused to go. Then I said I was withdrawing from treatment. Then I made a compromise I will go to the appointment if he buys me this book but there is a 95% chance I will tell them I am withdrawing from treatment and that’s where I am at. My dad isn’t happy. He doesn’t want me to do it. But he understands how the medical professionals have got me and why I am saying it but he hoped after I had slept it off. The diazepam is still making me sleepy if I get too over active so he thought if I slept it off I would change my mind but it hasn’t. So now I am pretty much planning from withdrawing myself from the mental health system and just let my illness pan out. Did I also mention that after telling me what to do my GP went home because he felt ill? See what I have to contend with.

Throughly confused.

Before I start on why I am confused let me tell you about a few things today:
1. I am still sleeping off the diazepam but it is wearing off due to when I fell asleep for about the 5th time today I had a nightmare.2. My friend LM told one of her friends about my suicide attempt and he gave me shisha, now as I’ve mentioned I tried it before and it wasn’t too bad and he did some research and found shisha:

“The inhaled substances trigger chemical reactions in nerve endings, this release of dopamine; which is associated with the feeling of pleasure”

So he thought that the next time I was depressed, I smoke it I feel better. It doesn’t make me happy just sort of relaxes me a little. So I only ever plan on smoking it when depressed and since I’ve smoked it I feel a bit better than I did when I woke up. But I’m not smoking anymore tonight because if I smoke too much I have a feeling it could trigger mania which brings me onto my next thing.

Doctors tomorrow. My question is why? Why on earth am I going to the doctors tomorrow? I mean I tried to commit suicide but the diazepam is out of my body almost – maybe got like 30% left hence the fact I want to sleep and am very tired. What’s he going to say? Well you’re physically healthy – great, thanks. That goes at number 2 on my list of the most obvious things, right behind the sky is blue. Do you feel like doing it again? Well not straight away. Gotta give it time, baby. I like to give everyone the element of surprise. Did you call your psychiatrist? No, wanna know why? Because you need a fucking genie to grant you a wish to get through to him. What would be the fucking point? [Side note: my water bottle is empty and I’m annoyed about that]

So I suppose my overall question is (and I will give a gold star to anyone who can figure it out): Why am I seeing my GP on Thursday? Why? What is the benefit of me doing so? Will I end up in a psychiatric hospital? Will I end up annoyed? (btw the answer to that is yes as I always end up annoyed) Just basically here’s my two parter question for that almighty gold star: why the hell am I going to see my GP four days later? What do you think the outcome will be?

The five worst food for bipolar disorder

Whilst talking to a friend about me wanting to get out of depression, she mentioned that a little bit of caffiene may perk me up a little and make me feel better. What constitutes a little I don’t know but from what I can gather even a cup of coffee is too much. So I googled what would be too much and I just thought I’d share the worst food for people with bipolar disorder.

The fundamentals of a healthy diet include not just what to eat, but also what not to eat. You should skip these snacks that can worsen bipolar symptoms.

  • Caffeine. “Stimulants can trigger mania and should be avoided,” Fiedorowicz says. “Caffeine is an under-appreciated trigger and can additionally impair sleep,” and sleep deprivation is a notorious trigger for bipolar mood swings and mania. Caffeine can also worsen anxiety, which tends to go hand in hand with bipolar disorder and, if you’re taking antipsychotic medications, might also affect how those drugs work. Fiedorowicz adds that some over-the-counter medications — such as pseudoephedrine, found in some cough and cold medications, for instance — have stimulant properties similar to caffeine and can also trigger bipolar mood swings.
  • Alcohol. Bottom line, alcohol and bipolar disorder make a bad combination. Alcohol can negatively affect bipolar mood swings and also may interact negatively with medications. People with bipolar disorder are also more likely to become addicted to alcohol and other substances.
  • Sugar. People with bipolar disorder are at risk for metabolic syndrome, a pre-diabetes condition that may make it hard to manage blood sugar levels. Furthermore, the highs and lows that come with the sugar roller coaster could just add to bipolar mood swings, particularly mania. If you really want a sweet treat, reach for fruit.
  • Salt. If you’re on lithium, moderating salt intake can be tricky because a change in salt intake, either an increase or a sudden decrease, can affect lithium levels. Talk to your doctor about how to safely manage the salt in your diet to stay within a healthy range, often between 1,500 and 2,300 milligrams a day. Equally important when taking lithium is to make sure to drink enough fluids — dehydration could cause dangerous side effects, Fiedorowicz cautions.
  • Fat. Fiedorowicz suggests following the recommendations of the American Heart Association for a healthy diet in order to limit saturated fat and trans fat in your diet. That means opting for lean protein and low-fat dairy products when choosing animal products. You might have heard that the fat in foods could alter the way your body uses medications. Generally, your medications will still be effective, but eating a lot of fried, fatty foods just isn’t good for your heart.

Oh dear diary, we fell apart.

The good news first:
I got my GCSE results for the exams I took in January.
English Literature: A
English Language: Unit 1 – A
Unit 2 – C
Overall Language grade: A
I got an A overall!
Science Exam: C
Science Coursework: B
Overall grade for additonal science at the moment: B

Seriously. That’s amazing. I need a B to do biology A level and all I need is two B’s on my next two exams. English language is finished and I’ve come out with an A. I was shocked at my grades. Like I talked to similar and better ability people than me and they got like a D and a C. Yes I did get a C but a high C and my overall is an A so it’s good and so I have no extra resits. I just have to revise very well for the subjects.

Other bit of good news, finger is a lot better, it hurts where I cut it but that’s all. So either it’s moved or it’s gone. Either way it’s not irritating me now so I’m glad.

My dad also talked to the head of year 11 about my grades and he said I should write to the exam board and give them a list of target grades and grades I’m currently getting and send it but at the moment, maths seems to be the likeliest one. I think I’ll put a lot of the other subjects down, just to be safe.

I’m still depressed, nothing has changed there. Depression is hard, it gets harder and I just have to stay aware of that. I mean it’s difficult now and it will get harder and whilst ending my own life seems so fucking preferable to living like this. I remind myself I can’t and shouldn’t even try or think about it. But it’s so tempting, it’s like when you’re dieting for the summer. The piece of chocolate cake is there and you want it but you also want to look good in your bathing suit. So you try and trick yourself into thinking you’ll be fine, the deliciousness of the cake outweighs your diet plan but you know it’s a lie so you have a choice… eat it or leave it. People with strong will power will leave it, saying that they’d rather delay gratification. Others would eat it. I’d say I wanna be the one not eating the cake but I feel so dangerously close to eating it that I can taste the chocolate.
It reminds me of this quote by Suzzanne Massie:

Evil is near. Sometimes late at night the air grows strongly clammy and cold around me. I feel it brushing me. All that the Devil asks me is aquiescence not struggle, not conflict. Aquiescence

But I don’t want aquiescence, maybe protest. I’d protest. But it’s not realistic. I’ll regret it the moment I do it and so I’ll fight. For the moment, I’ll fight. But it’s so freaking tough. I don’t know what to do. It’s like my dad doesn’t understand and wouldn’t do anything anyway. JLS really just doesn’t care about anything but herself. SK has her own problems (and i mean legitamate problems) which I don’t want to add to. My doctor is a fucking patronizing fucking and is probably sick of seeing me and to get through to a psychiatrist you have to find a lamp, call a genie and use one of your three wishes to get through to him and then it’s only if you’re lucky. Plus my dad has a problem with his eye where the pupil is out of line permantely in the top right hand corner and his vision is blurry and I don’t wanna add to that either because eye sight> suicidal feelings.

Maths in a blog. Not practising for maths test, was planning to but they put a bunch of stuff in the maths test on Wednesday that we did at the beginning of year 10 and no one revised that because there’s no use. We thought it was going to be trigonometry and shapes and perimeters and stuff but there was algerbra in terms of graphs and everyone was looking at eachother in the mock trial exam like “im sorry when did this even happen?” but of course none of us knows, they just threw it in to fuck with us.

I do also have a history test I missed last week so I should revise but it’s midnight and I don’t know what I want to do. I want to read the Saint Jude which I’ve been saying for weeks, I might read the first chapter. If it’s boring or I just can’t I’ll revise history a bit and then attempt sleep and then revise some more. My usual revision time goes like this.

Find book
Open book
Go on internet
look at book
read book
read book
Rinse and repeat for next subject.

Side note:

The Effect of PTSD Among People with Bipolar Disorder

Having PTSD along with bipolar disorder can have a major negative impact on your life. People with PTSD and bipolar disorder appear to have more problems across a number of different areas in their lives. For example, PTSD has been found to reduce quality of life among people with bipolar disorder. It has also been found to make the bipolar disorder worsen, resulting in more rapid cycling and increased risk for suicide attempts. Finally, PTSD has also been found to be associated with greater levels of depression among people with bipolar disorder.


I found this whilst searching for flashback help, just because I refuse to go through the whole flashback cycle for the third-fourth depressive period whilst awake. It’s just tiring.

To end on a positive note, I’ve sorted out my social life *cheers* by bringing back my lack of one.