Where to start?
*warning long blog post*
An apology. For being away so long. Between my appointment, illnesses (physical and mental) I have just not had the time.
From here, I will try to do things chronologically but I will mess up and back pedal to past times. My last post was about the second opinion. From there I have had time to reflect. He is still a massive *insert list of expletives and negative adjectives* but I’ve gleaned some things.
So my first thing was is ADHD inattentive type (which I think is the same as ADD so I’m going to call it that) is probably an apt diagnosis. I’ve had symptoms when I was a kid but since it’s not a necessarily disruptive disorder for teachers, it tends to go under the radar. I could see myself having it is what I’m saying. I would agree with that diagnosis but I should get a definitive yes or no tomorrow.
As for the detachment disorder, I have healthy relationships – sort of. I can form them and I can keep them but I have an issue with putting people on a pedestal and then demonising them at slights – well what I perceive to be slights. I do it a lot and I do hate the fact I do it and I tell myself to stop. Think rationally. Are these real or imagined? It works for all of 5 seconds but then I am back to scrutinising every social interaction. They’re not necessarily the healthiest but I rarely push people away for it.
That is what I’ve gleaned.
I had a hypo/manic (meaning waived between the lines of mania) episode shortly after the appointment but luckily I have my trusty mood disorder app to keep me in check… well that is until I start writing updates about how I don’t think trees should just be green. Where are the purple trees?? As well as monitoring my paper airplane-into a cup game. Then the usual suspects come on: fast speech, fast thoughts, implusiveness, fidgeting + restless, lots of energy, high sex drive, feeling self important, excessive spending – you know the usuals from my past. But obviously the massive issue of sleep. Going 24-48 hours of no sleep and then sleeping two hours when I do. That little sleep turns happy mania into irritability and aggression for a short time before it finds it’s way back to the happy side of mania. So it’s not the greatest of times always. But I was glad to see that despite the medication increase these episodes were happening still. Few and far apart but they were still spicing up this endless tawdry of my life at the moment.
I also ended up piercing the helix on one ear, the mis-piercing on my ear and two more piercings. Self pierced of course. But again – no infections. I think I should stop due to my luck will probably run out but I like how they look.
I had a flashback so it went away for a little while but came back. What alarmed me about this is that I have never had a forceful flashback when even hypomanic. Never. But there I was. Hypomania came back for a short time but it wasn’t as strong and eventually just filtered out rather than going on it’s usual quick descending crash into depression.
I went into a more stable state. Rather than deep depression I was on a 3-4 range. Which tends to be where I sit right now.
When I saw Miss D, during the hypo/manic and told her what the second-opinion-psychiatrist had said she immediately said that ‘undiagnosing’ me with PTSD was wrong and that I do indeed have it (like I said). Of course I swerved off topics now and again whilst talking about him but I always found my way back to ranting about how bad he was. Never am I ever seeing him again.
Anyway, after the hypomania, nothing much happened for a few days. It was kinda dull.
Father’s day happened, DVD and liquorice and my baking are the usual.
I read comics.
Then we get onto the interesting things. How is CBT going you ask? I say, meh. I don’t think it’s helping (at least not yet) with the deep seated emotional issues relating to the past but I think it is sort of helping with my current issues. I have to cancel this week’s appointment. But I will get onto that in a minute.
My dad had a health check. Everything was fine what they measured. He won’t get his blood test results back for another week (so two weeks in total) and he has to take his blood pressure for a week. This Friday he has to go for a ECG (EKG idk).
Which brings us to this recent set of issues. School was brought up. Now from previous posts you know how pissed off I get when I have to make quick decisions. No, I need to know my options at least 3 days in advance so I can research and think and sleep on it. I don’t like indulging impulsive choices because whilst my gut has a tendency to be right. It’s not always so sometimes it’s best to use logic.
Obviously the big question on everyone’s mind: To school or not to school?
Now, I do have a complete aversion to going back. I don’t want to. I feel school has given me everything it’s got to give me (including a lower self esteem than I would have had I not gone to school) and I want to do something else.
As you may (or may not as it was a long time ago) I wanted to go to connexions. Now my dad said we would the week after Miss D told us about it but then loads of stuff with the car happened (it broke down) and he had to sort out a new one and it was a whole thing. Next week, he was busy or something. Then I forgot – i think by this point the lamotrigine was increased and my memory has since left me. So now we are back at this cross roads.
As much as I like keeping the apathy stance (and I do), I know I need to choose something. I’d be happy just to work in asda or something all my life but my dad and others don’t want me wasting this precious intelligence I have. Well, it’s my intelligence and I can use it how I like. I don’t need my intelligence verified. Hell I don’t even believe I’m that intelligence (which is what a charming commenter on a previous post implied. They implied “yeah you’re sort of intelligent but not that intelligent but you should still do something with it – hence why I told them to get off my blog, patronising prick). But they want me to do something.
The problem is any time this conversation comes up, two things happen: My dad jumps up and tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it any more and to leave the room and the other is that I will end up holding back tears.
The other problem is that my dad likes to jump to conclusions. Since I’m still technically registered with my college (which I’m not sure about, there is sort of a grey area there) he thought I couldn’t go to connexions; that I wasn’t eligible. I am btw.
So my two paths of decisions were: college or nothing (with enforced, obvious condemnation and disappointment) which then became college or connexions – but not connexions in “I want to see you’re willing to do something kind of way” it was a “yeah you’re going to pick something from connexions and you’re going to like it”.
My dad kept saying he’d prefer me to go back to college which after a few times makes me lose my temper and I say “fine I’ll go” and he’ll go on about how I’ll just be miserable and am doing it half heartedly. Miserable and half hearted or probably content (when not at college) – you can’t have both.
So we settle to make an appointment at connexions. I have literally no idea of the choices. Anyway, so we get recommended to prospectus (idk if that’s how you spell it) and my dad makes an appointment with the receptionist for JE (the name of the person I’m seeing). Anyway, about 3 minutes after the phone call my phone starts ringing. Now due to wanting to shape some sort of life I can be happy with I deleted any one I no longer wish to be in contact with numbers. So since this call had a number I thought maybe it was some one I deleted but since I didn’t recognise it I asked my dad and he didn’t know by this time the call had finished. One missed call. Mobile number.
Now since I’m on pay as you go now, I was not calling back. So instead I texted: “who is this?” fair question since they rang me. I then took off to typing their number in on the internet. First google, then you can see if it’s a spam call. Then facebook to see if it’s linked with any one. Then tumblr to see if anyone had posted their number. Nothing. All I found out was the mobile phone carrier which is not helpful at all.
To explain the reasoning for this next bit, requires some putting-yourself-in-my-shoes-esque energy. As you know, I live in constant fear my mother will in one day get in contact with me which is why I’ve taken to calling myself Raven on every site except facebook (psst I will now refer to myself as Raven on this site too, sorry for the hassle). So every call that I don’t know makes me worry it’s her. My anxiety and somewhat paranoia over that lessened a bit… well until I realised it was my 18th birthday soon and I will no longer be protected by a no contact child order.
It’s not just that. Checking through my blog I never mentioned the stalking I’ve been suffering in recent months. I’ll give you the jist. Met a guy. Seemed okay. Found out he was in prison for ABH. Didn’t want to be judgement so didn’t let it lessen my opinion of him, however stayed cautious. He expressed romantic intention. We led to an argument when I didn’t express the same and he threatened to kill himself. We made up. Later argued again over him being racist, he threatened to kill himself, stab himself (sent me a picture of himself with a knife against his stomach) and told me I’d made him punch through a wall. I realised I had to end this before it went too far. Blocked him on any social media I knew him on. He lived in the city, I live in the country so no chance of necessarily bumping into each other. He then start emailing me again and again. Even sent me pictures of when he fell of his bike and was all bruised up. Playing on the empathy I have for everyone. I told him to fuck off but he manage to claw his way back into my good books which I hated him for but I realised (later on) that it’s because I have internalised abuse so much I don’t expect anything more. But he did it again. I blocked him but he kept sending me emails (which at this point I didn’t know how to block) and messages and trying to talk to my friends via facebook.
I debated calling the police but never did.
Anyway, I told him I was going to and told him he’d go back to jail. Sort of a lie but it made him stop. For a few weeks at least. Then he sent me an entire, I think it was Shakespeare, play in an email, several times. I can’t remember the name of the play though so I don’t know if there was supposed to be some hidden meaning. I then found out how to block emails and haven’t heard from him since.
Which brings us back to the story. Now those three things put together creates a lot of anxiety and paranoid when some one I don’t know calls.
Half an hour passes and no reply. I tell them that if it’s a wrong number, I don’t mind just please tell me. Then instead of saying who it was, they just say “I’m looking for [Raven]” and well, if you can’t introduce yourself then it just creates and anxiety. So I ask again: “who is this?” I then begin to really break down and shake and almost am having a panic attack as I was thinking it was my stalker. To sum up what I said I called the texter a: “fucking creeper”, “a fucking stalker” and I said I was going to call the police.
Irrational but anxiety and paranoia are rarely rational. They then tell me they are JE from prospectus and well, self hatred and embarrassment and pretty much all the emotions you’d expect me to feel come into play. I profusely apologise and tell her she can call me and apologise again over the phone. Hence the ‘Major Fuck Ups’ in the title. I mean the one person who is actually going to be given me constructive ideas I call a fucking creeper. Either the universe hates me or I have an urge to self destruct myself… Probably a bit of both.
Along the lines of this though, I’ve been thinking about what I enjoy. I used to want to be working in the field of psychology but I realised that I would be worn out from empathy. Seriously, I would. I also don’t have the bed manners for any other sort of health and social care. So I began to think of ‘low grade’ jobs. You know, stocking shelves, mopping floors etc. Basically working in a shop since you get to work on your own most of the time and occasionally with others and there’s flexibility. That’s the main thing I want. Flexibility.
I then spent about 5 hours on my tumblr blog HTML and thought maybe something in computers since then there is even less social interaction and technically there’s room to work at home. But we’ll see what Friday brings.
Another thing I realise that whilst my bipolar moods are mostly close to a realm of stability, my ‘normal’ moods tend to react in overdrive to situations and stimulus. Get in a slightly upsetting argument. Suicidal, angry and self harming. That is the degree to which this gets.
On a final note: I got an email today from someone who works for the campain, I don’t know whether you’ve heard about it called “You’ve got this” which is basically giving hope to people with bipolar and for every video they donate $10 to To Write Love On Her Arms charity (think it’s a charity). The link they gave me was: www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/youve-got-this and they apparently found me from my ‘science blog bipolar brain’ post, which is cool. Apparently they work for the marketing team of healthline. So if you’re feeling particularly brave, outgoing and wanting to help bipolar people like yourself. I think this would be a good campaign to do. I’ve considered do it, but 17? Not going to have many pearls of wisdom… plus the whole avoiding stalkers thing. I don’t know. Do any of you think you could do it?