Psychometric Results.

A summary:

Verbal Comprehension Index – High average
Perpeptual reasoning index – Average

Working memory index – average
Processing speed index – Low average
Full Scale IQ – Average (not interpretable due to large discrepancy between the highest and lowest scores – 30 points discrepency)
General ability index – Average (optional composite summary score that is less sensitive to influence of working memory and processing speed and as working memory and processing speed are vital to comprehensive evaluation of cognitive ability General ability index does not have the coverage FSIQ has).

– I was going to write a full post about it all but I don’t think anyone would care enough to read it. So I’ll just summarise the summary.

My verbal reasoning abilities are much more developed than nonverbal reasoning abilities. My ability to sustain attention, concentration and exert mental control is in average range. Due to variability caution is recommended when interpreting scores and a closer look a individual subtests is warranted. My ability to process simple, routine visual material without making errors is in low average range when compared to peers. A closer look at subtests is recommended.

I changed my name out for first person pronouns.

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Dropping out

So for the past few weeks I’ve been faced with an impossible challenge and to paraphrase Shakespeare: “To drop out or not to drop out” – of school that is.

Now, my outreach worker Toni originally said that the best thing, she thought, for me was to leave school. I was torn. My dad didn’t want me dropping out unless I had something else to do. My consultant has never commented. But I was still torn. I asked JS and her opinion was I should stay so she isn’t alone, if the reason for her wanting me to stay was more focused on me, I wouldn’t mind but it wasn’t so did her opinion really count as anything for me? No, not really. So I asked the only person I know who has been in a similar situation due to her aspergers. She said I should do what would be best for my mental state. So I thought. I used to have a day off a week, a day turned into 3, 3 days turned into entire weeks off school I didn’t much see the point in still going when I’d missed a lot of lesson content.

My decision may have been spur of the moment. Maybe it was the panic attacks and the no sleep the night before I had to go to school. Maybe it was the fact I haven’t spoken to anyone in the mental health profession in months about my declining mental state because my dad was in the same room. Maybe it was even my wish to do nothing but watch tv shows all day. Any of those could have forced my hand to decide that dropping out of college (which would be the equivalent to high school in America) and I know that I regret the decision on and off because it doesn’t make a difference what I do anymore. I’m on 100mg of Lamotrigine and I seen no end to my depression, I can’t remember whether the consultant said it works better on depression or mania but I haven’t see a rise in the depression. I’ve had manic moments recently which lends credit to the fact I could be going into an area of mania but I don’t know if that’s true or not.

I’ve kind of given up on guessing.

My sleep schedule is kind of fucked up at the moment. I know it usually is but I’ve been falling asleep at 6am and waking up around 10am – 11am or sometimes saying up till 10am and sleeping till 2am. Not exactly the healthiest sleep schedule but not the most unhealthiest I’ve ever had, so I guess that’s something positive.

My plans for the next few months I hear you ask?
No idea.
No freaking clue.
Suggestions are welcome.

I’d say try and get better but aside from taking my medication and staying vaguely social, that’s not a lot I can do. I know I’ll get suggestions on what I can do to make myself better but I really am not in the mood for a pep talk from professionals who REALLY don’t seem to know what they’re doing.

Computer Problems and illness

One thing that will get me angrier than anything is a broken computer. My computer isn’t broken, just slow and that also winds me up. I’ve been thinking of getting a new one but who has the money? *not me*

As for illness, a few days a go I came down with a sore throat which quickly developed into me losing my voice and now that my voice is back, I have a cold. You can’t make this stuff up. Seriously, even I who is in the midst of writing a book at the moment has yet to make up something quite as gruelling as getting ill this frequently.

So, Miss D had a meeting with my head of sixth form and it transpires that they want me to repeat year 12. Well my mocks would indicate that: U in law (expected), C in English but a U in psychology. U for those who have not been through the UK school system means Ungraded which in my mind means that because I didn’t do the psychology exam until a lot later, they didn’t mark it either until after the grades were put on the system or they didn’t get it. I really doubt I actually got a U in psychology. But based on this, I think, they want me to repeat year 12 and well guess my answer to that… A resounding NO! I hated year 12 the first time around, I’m not going to like it very much the second time around. So this sent me into a spiral of despair, obviously. There was no other reaction to be honest. I cried, I panicked. I went through the 5 stages of grief and am hovering around bargaining and depression, feigning in and out of the stages.

It’s difficult for me to hear that I need to repeat because my grades are bad because I used to be such a bright student and intelligent and not to sound braggy but I got the grades too. So to have such poor grades is a hit to the ol’ self esteem and mood. I have to discuss whether I like the idea next meeting which is Wednesday. Then on Thursday or Friday go out with EC and do some pottery stuff but that has a big question mark by the side of it. I think it sounds like a good idea but having fun nowadays costs money and money is something we don’t have. But let’s cross our fingers and hope.

I’ve been trying to find a positive or silver lining to brighten this very glum time I’m having but it’s hard to find one at this time. But maybe this week something amazing will happen to brighten my day.

Bipolar II

So If I had to fall on a side. Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2. As to which I have, I’d say it was bipolar 2. Awful depressed episodes, reasonably brilliant/awful hypomanic episodes. Though I’ve been told I’ve had a manic episode before and I dno, I think I’ve heard one qualifies you to be bipolar I. I mean I honestly can’t tell. Hey give me a break. I can barely remember what day of the week it is.

As for this current hypomanic episode, it is entering it’s 4th week and whilst I usually (and still do) enjoy the 1 and a half to 2 weeks of elation, I am not enjoying the extra 2 weeks of irritability, anger, sexual frustration and ‘psychomotor’ agitation that has me ranging between killing myself and killing everyone around me which is literally the opposite of what you’d expect me to feel. Maybe it is a mixed episode. Maybe it’s not. All I know is thank GOD for paint and painting and crafts and the fact this stuff is reasonably cheap to get your hands on because it is the only constant I have found to relax me. On the other end of the scales entitled: “Things that make me want to wring my hands off” is exams, school and basically anything relating to that. But painting, painting is my saving grace.
I should do a picture depicting saving grace…
I’ll never be able to do it seriously.
Maybe not.

So tomorrow is my last exam and it is a catch up since I missed one due to the whole falling over ordeal. It’s at 9am and I just have to get through that exam and then it’s time to seriously discuss the drowsiness and the agitation because I’m at my wits end. I mean is it possible for someone to be drowsy and agitated? Is that possible? Seriously? It must be because that’s how I feel a lot of the time. But considering how drowsy I am, I am seriously not getting good enough sleep; quality or quantity.

At least I got out a few times whilst in this mood, I’m ready for the depression. Bring on the slowness of depression. Bring on the pain which I understand. Bring on the mood that I understand inside and out. Please. This mood has too many question marks, too many questions, too many loose ends.

Does anyone have any advice? Anything to battle this?

Three Weeks Without EMDR

Today was my first appointment of EMDR after 3 weeks of nothing and I remember just why I hate it. It’s like looking through rose tinted goggles for three weeks and then going back and remembering why you hate doing something so much.

Basically it boils down to my dose will probably be upped again next week or another medication will be added.

I have trust issues with everyone which when I told my dad, he decided that this wasn’t about me but about him and the family. Thanks for that by the way, pa.

Part of the reason I’m still depressed is I’m conditioned that way. Which means when I’m in the depressed phase, I make myself more depressed by focusing on negativity rather than the positivity.

I should do exercise apparently. My choice: self defence. Her answer: tai chi stuff. My thought: boxing or some form of core work that means when I punch someone in the face it actually hurts.

I also have to actually start EMDR on the worst memory if I want to get better. nopenopenope.

Apparently also no should not be apart of my vocabulary and mindfulness is again the thing I need to look up.

I should also go to JLS’ birthday. I still haven’t decided.

I’m just wanting pills, that solution is always favoured for me.

That’s pretty much all I can think of right now.

Quick update

So anxiety affects blood pressure who knew? According to the blood pressure monitor my blood pressure is in fact 95/56 which is ‘very low’ for an adult/teenager. According to: http://www.vaughns-1-pagers.com/medicine/blood-pressure.htm My pulse was 88 bpm (beats per minute).
My brother whom is 13 and in great shape has blood pressure of 107/84 with a pulse of 86bpm. Which according to the same site is low normal to normal which I suppose is ideal for someone his age.
My dad has 140/86 with a pulse of 69bpm which is high normal but seeing as his rate has been continually been 140 over something.

It’s important to not over react about this. I’m perfectly fine and we’ll know if I start feeling dizzy all the time then I need immediate medical attention. Plus we’re going to check my blood pressure every few days. The explanation for my decrease from earlier is I was anxious about being at the pdocs because I don’t like it there and people with anxiety disorders are more likely to have dramatic changes in blood pressure numbers. Which is why anxiety disorder people will never give a perfectly clear reading in medical settings. Other interesting thing is that considering I have the lowest blood pressure, I have the highest pulse out of my family.

Sodium Valproate

I’ve had the flu since Sunday. I caught my brother’s cough on Tuesday. The flu has almost gone but the cough is still sort of here so I’ve been feeling terrible all week and that meant I was feeling too crappy to do revision. But today when I’m feeling like the flu has just begun to disappear I get bitch slapped by Sodium Valproate. I was Mr pdocman and Miss D yesterday who decided it was the best course of action because according to wikipedia:

Sodium valproate (epilim) is the sodium salt of valproic acid and is an anticonvulsant used in the treatment of epilepsy, anorexia nervosa, panic attack, anxiety disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, migraine and bipolar disorder, as well as other psychiatric conditions requiring the administration of a mood stabilizer. Sodium valproate can be used to control acute episodes of mania and acute stress reaction.

Well it’s perfect for me then since it treats both bipolar disorder and PTSD and migraines…
Introducing the paradoxical effect. I have the worst headache. Or migraine but jeez it kills. So I looked up whether it was a side effect and:

Valproate sodium causes a number of side effects that affect your brain. It may cause unnatural drowsiness, dizziness, insomnia, nervousness, memory loss, headache and emotional instability. You should not operate heavy machinery or drive until you know how valproate affects you.

Other known side effects include hair loss (but apparently when it grows back it’s more curly so it’s a lose-win situation – yes I want curly hair), nausea, vomiting, liver, pancreas and kidney problems, low platlet count, intenstinal issues, increased appetite and weight gain, tremours, insomnia, sedation, dizziness etc.
How does it work? I hear you ask.

The brain is exceptionally complex, especially when it comes to controlling behavior. The cause of bipolar disorder is not understood, although there is significant evidence that imbalances in neurotransmitter levels and the signaling of another messenger molecule, arachidonic acid, are involved.

Sodium valproate regulates the main inhibitory transmitter GABA, preventing over-inhibition, thereby moderating the decreased brain activity that may cause depressive episodes. Sodium valproate is also used to prevent seizures and acts to block certain types of ion channels responsible for propagating brain activity. Over-activity is thought to underly manic episodes.

In addition to neurotransmitter activity, the level of arachidonic acid, a phospholipid found in large amounts in the brain, has been shown to correlate with manic-depressive episodes and is also affected by sodium valproate administration. Too little arachidonic acid has been correlated with depression and too much has been correlated with manic episodes.

Due to my known sensitivity with medication I’m on 100mg of Sodium Valproate in the morning and 100mg at night and I think the dosage will probably go up. I don’t know. Some thing will happen, it’s cool.

EMDR app #1

EMDR is a tiring process. I mean I haven’t even got onto the bad stuff yet. She showed me what she would do by processing a mild irritant in the past few days which was just people annoying me with incessant texting. Basically I had to rate it and it was a one, then it went up to a three – the EMDR made it worse and then back down to less than one and I’m just tired from that. THAT. I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to deal with the big stuff but the part of me thinks “hey do it now and then you can sleep”. I don’t know, I’ll have a think. I’m not ready to promise that I’ll deal with the big stuff next week or the week after because I was almost having a panic attack just doing that and I am completely strung out, emotionally and psychially (that is not spelt right, I’m just too tired to care).

I know a lot of people find the benefit after the first session but I don’t think I’m one of those people which is okay, sucky but okay because it’s gotta get worse before it gets better, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I also got a relaxtion tape which is sort of against what I believe in, like I don’t believe it works but I suppose everything has to have some evidence behind it. It’s just a lot of things that are meant to relax me, put me more on edge. I think it’s a hypervigilance thing. I feel myself relaxing, I feel I can’t react in time to danger so I don’t relax. Just constantly feeling on edge.

A friend who did it said I’ll be emotionally raw for the next few days and more sensitive, I’ll warn my dad because I have recently been getting triggered by the fact my dad tells me about all the injustice sexual assualt stories and the barrister who wants to lower the legal age for sex limit from 16 to 13. THIRTEEN! no. I know there are 13 year olds doing it anyway but it’s not legal and it shouldn’t be.

I haven’t been to school since Tuesday. So instead of having a day off a week, I’m going to school one day in a week. Which is messed up, I just am too strung out to do anything. It’s not the prozac, never the prozac (psst side effects so far is nausea which as side effects go isn’t that bad) it’s the mental illnesses, anxiety and insomnia that are stopping me. I am lucky in a sense because natural intelligence and the bits I did go in for and my grades last year mean that I will get the 5 C grades I need to get to A levels and the only grades I need to worry about is science with a B and maths with a C and yes this is pretty much me repeating myself over and over again but it’s probably just a reassurance to me that I can just get by.

 

I don’t normally like ableism terms like crazy but…

Side Effects All Crazy Meds Have

No matter which neurological and/or psychiatric drug you take, you’ll probably get one or more of these side effects. These will usually be gone, or at least will diminish to the point where you barely notice it most of the time, within a week or two.

  • Headache
  • Drowsiness / fatigue – even when taking stimulants in some circumstances.
  • Insomnia, instead of or alternating with the drowsiness.
  • Nausea
  • Assorted other minor GI complaints (constipation, diarrhea, etc.)
  • Generally feeling spacey / out of it
    • Which can all add up to the ever-helpful “flu-like symptoms” listed as an adverse event on the PI sheet of practically every medication on the planet used to treat almost any condition humans and other animals could have.

All crazy meds can, and probably will affect your dreams as well. There is no way of telling if that will be good or bad, let alone if this side effect is permanent or temporary.

So don’t operate any heavy machinery and try to avoid driving the first couple of days. We always recommend starting a new med Friday night / Saturday morning (or whenever your day off is) so you have an idea of how it will affect you for the first week or two. Keep in mind: most side effects are usually temporary in nature.

Risperdal (risperidone) Typical Side Effects

Most everyone gets at least one or two of these.
The usual: headache, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, sleepiness and lethargy or insomnia and way too much energy. Most everything of these go away within a couple of weeks, although the sleep & lethargy or insomnia & being wired may take a little longer.

§3.  Risperdal (risperidone) Uncommon Side Effects

You may or may not get one or more of these, so don’t be surprised either way.

  • Side effects due to increased prolactin
    • Loss of libido & other sexual dysfunctions
    • Swollen/enlarged breasts (AKA porno boobs)
    • Unexpected lactation (it’s especially unexpected when it happens to guys)
  • AP-induced movement disorders
    • Tardive dyskinesia (TD)
    • Extrapyramidal symptoms (EPS)
    • Risperdal is currently known as the worst AAP, and one of, if not the worst AP in general when it comes to movement disorders
  • Heart palpitations, tachycardia and other cardiac weirdness

Via: crazymeds.us

For: Those of use who prefer jokes in our medications terms.

Has yours…: NO! IT HAS NOT STOPPED AND I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW *cries*

Seeing Family

I saw my family today. First time since like October. It was okay, I suppose. I couldn’t get onto my brother’s internet using my laptop so I went onto my phone and just did things but I was/am tired, I keep getting headaches and so I was irritable and I am offically going into mixed because my dad could tell I wasn’t as depressed anymore as I had a little more energy. So I couldn’t go on the internet, my older brother took my seat and my uncle fucking triggered flashbacks so I was not sitting in the sitting room. Then in the kitchen was my aunt and dad so I stayed there but yawn, taxes and cars and insurance and the news and I was bored and tired but here’s what really ticked me off. My family don’t know I have bipolar disorder so I don’t expect a lot of understanding and I don’t tell them because they’d get too involved; well my aunt would. But I don’t like my irritability passed off as “teenage behaviour” by my aunt when it’s obvious I’m swaying side to side, my eyes are closing, it’s hot outside and I’m shivering and my head aches that my irritability was not normal teenage behaviour. I told them it was because I was so tired which is the truth but it was more the mixed thing too.

Then my uncle comes in when they’re about to leave and pretends to punch me again. I fought back every urge to punch him in the face which I know everyone except my aunt and uncle would enjoy. Pretending to punch me is a trigger. Surprisingly, punching me in the arm whilst it hurts is rarely a trigger but doing what my uncle was doing pisses me off. Everyone let’s him off saying “oh he doesn’t know how to deal with children” ok w/e but he does know how to deal with humans, right? Like humans. I mean he’s married so obviously he has a little experience with people otherwise how the fuck did he get married? You don’t pretend to punch a human, forget triggering people but it’s rude. But then they left and all was right.

I know it sounds mean but my uncle is one of those people who get under people’s skin and just is very irritating so no one in the family except my aunt likes him. Mean, yes. But you’ve never met the guy.

My older brother, the middle of the eldest.  – AB did some gambling on horses and he didn’t win despite the fact he had like 4 bets on 4 horses in one race and it was just funny to see the guys falling off and some of the horses he bet on not placing. All the boys were intrigued, my dad stood up to watch over the chairs and I just lay down nursing my headache and tiredness.

My brother – TB gave me and ALB (my younger brother) £50 each for last Christmas and Easter, so it was good but it’s unfortunate to get it now because I ordered:

csi supernaturalExpensive yes but a lovely distraction but it won’t arrive before school starts and tonight is my last night of not caring about timing and bed times but I am tired but unsure of what to do in terms of bed. My dad has started going bed at 11pm contray to the time he used to go to bed of 8pm and my younger brother going to bed at 3-4am contray to his usual midnight bedtime. I mean older people need less sleep and my dad can get up later so hence the later bed time, my brother it possibly is just a combination of holidays and puberty making him go to bed late but it throws me off as with my bed time. I mean it’s worse now that I’m risking paranoia. I mean now I can look back on the nights holding a knife and thinking someone was going to hurt me as paranoia but in that state of paranoia you feel like the sanest person and so you don’t deem your actions as crazy until later but that’s the curse of being bipolar. Hindsight. In the moment we commit the action we think it’s right but we look back and just realise how crazy it was if we had just paused to look at ourselves.

Also, I have done 0 revision. None whatsoever. My brother was asking me questions on history and I did not know a thing; ah, the confidence booast of the pop quiz. I should revise but everytime I look at the books I just feel guilty about how much time I spent off school, how much I missed, how I can’t remember anything because my memory is shot and then I just think “life is too short to be looking at this bullshit” – ah, great attitude. I mean the only ones I really need is English, Science and maths to get to A levels where I’ll do better. But I just feel crappy knowing I’ll fail.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, my dad has mild hypoglacemia which is a low blood sugar thing. He’s gone on a diet which is stupid. He’s not unhealthy and he’s not ‘fat’ (not that I believe anyone is) but he’s not. So he doesn’t eat except at meals and so a few days ago he started getting shaky, pale, faintness, light-headed and mild hypoglacemia isn’t easy to diagnose as they check your blood sugar levels but if it’s mild and you’ve eaten before going to the doctors there can be no signs but I told the doctor and she said it sounded like hypoglacemia so she took a blood test and put it on this paper thing and said it was a little low and we went through if my dad had eaten and she was like “mild hypoglacemia” so I researched and found a cause can be alcohol use. He doesn’t drink it so much now but he used to and going almost cold turkey has got to take a toll on the body. So I told my dad if he wants to continue with this ridiculous diet, he can but he’s got to eat an apple every two hours (or any kind of food). But just eat every two hours.

I’ll write tomorrow about how I’m feeling about going back to school.

Hour two

CAMHS woman phoned said she had three options but the one she was more inclined to do was set up a support thing for evenings. My dad can’t see at night. I have school work. I was being fobbed off so I hung up.

She rang back and spoke to my dad and said that what my doctor had said was wrong and that it was my psychiatrist who needed to sign off on me going in so she was going to ring him within the hour. She has 14 (12:02pm) minutes until that time is up.

I also had a temper tantrum. But let’s not talk about that.

See you at hour 3.

Throughly confused.

Before I start on why I am confused let me tell you about a few things today:
1. I am still sleeping off the diazepam but it is wearing off due to when I fell asleep for about the 5th time today I had a nightmare.2. My friend LM told one of her friends about my suicide attempt and he gave me shisha, now as I’ve mentioned I tried it before and it wasn’t too bad and he did some research and found shisha:

“The inhaled substances trigger chemical reactions in nerve endings, this release of dopamine; which is associated with the feeling of pleasure”

So he thought that the next time I was depressed, I smoke it I feel better. It doesn’t make me happy just sort of relaxes me a little. So I only ever plan on smoking it when depressed and since I’ve smoked it I feel a bit better than I did when I woke up. But I’m not smoking anymore tonight because if I smoke too much I have a feeling it could trigger mania which brings me onto my next thing.

Doctors tomorrow. My question is why? Why on earth am I going to the doctors tomorrow? I mean I tried to commit suicide but the diazepam is out of my body almost – maybe got like 30% left hence the fact I want to sleep and am very tired. What’s he going to say? Well you’re physically healthy – great, thanks. That goes at number 2 on my list of the most obvious things, right behind the sky is blue. Do you feel like doing it again? Well not straight away. Gotta give it time, baby. I like to give everyone the element of surprise. Did you call your psychiatrist? No, wanna know why? Because you need a fucking genie to grant you a wish to get through to him. What would be the fucking point? [Side note: my water bottle is empty and I’m annoyed about that]

So I suppose my overall question is (and I will give a gold star to anyone who can figure it out): Why am I seeing my GP on Thursday? Why? What is the benefit of me doing so? Will I end up in a psychiatric hospital? Will I end up annoyed? (btw the answer to that is yes as I always end up annoyed) Just basically here’s my two parter question for that almighty gold star: why the hell am I going to see my GP four days later? What do you think the outcome will be?

Update on the dad situation.

My dad went to the GP and they did fit him in. They did checked his blood pressure which is 120/80 which is exactly perfect as it’s betwen low and high. Low being 100/80 and high being 140/80. If anyone wants to know, mine is 113/80 most of the time. Anyway, so then the doctor looked in his eye and the left eye (I think that’s the good one) is fine and the bad one (the right I think) isn’t so good, the doctor couldn’t see the back of the eye so told my dad to go to A and E, eye doctor thing. Due to the fact they put drops in your eyes to dilate the pupils, he wouldn’t be able to see so he had to get a taxi there and back. He’s still going, but it’s like A and E so it’s a long wait however, it is almost 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon so I doubt there is the queue you have on Friday, Saturday and sometimes Sunday night. Word of warning, don’t go to A and E on Christmas. Too many queues and ill people. But he should be okay, hopefully.

CAMHS… Yet again.

School was brilliant. There’s not much I can say, I just was having fun and it was good. Like it always is with mania and hypomania.

But, I get it… That’s not what you want to talk about. You want to talk about CAMHS. Instead of decribing a monologue of what happened which he didn’t do in chronological order anyway plus I haven’t the mind to deal with big blocks of text.

The waiting roomWe were in the waiting room for half an hour, we were 15mins early but he was 15mins late. I was antsy. Walking, pacing, rapid talking, singing, irritability. Manic behaviour but when the psychiatrist came in, that went down to high hypomania. We walked to the room. I was singing.

SleepThe first question he asked was about sleep and melatonin. Good place to start. I told him: 3 hours, nightmare. He said that melatonin is discontinued. Later on, near the end he said he was going to put me on Zopiclone 3.75mg. I had already been put on zopiclone and it didn’t make me sleep. The GP gave it to me and was unwilling to up the dose and the pdoc said that there’s no point taking it then and didn’t offer another solution. There are lots of sleep medications… Why didn’t he just give me another one?

Moods

He finally addressed moods! Fucking finally! Sorry, bad language I know. But I am glad. Even though he did it in a roundabout way. Okay, so one of the more memorable questions: “do you see things like a spade is a spade or do you see like extended flowery bits..” That is what he said. I got what he meant. Which is worse? Basically it’s like saying in a book “do you see the curtains as blue or are the curtains blue to the depression of the character?” I said that I sometimes see a spade as a spade but sometimes see the extended bits. Which is true of everyone. I told him that depression is 3 weeks and mania/hypomania is two. I thought were were finally going to get somewhere. I really did. The questions, so a bit weird, some expected. But then at the end when he was suming up, I realised he hasn’t listened to ANYTHING I said. Not a thing. He says that he believes that whilst bipolar is still a possible diagnosis, he is leaning towards Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I know someone with BPD, we are nothing a like. From the first time we met, he said that bipolar in ‘children’ is rare and I believe he’s now trying to fit in my symptoms with anything but. But he showed me some print outs and was supposed to give them to me but he forgot to give the BPD one. He also gave me one on antidepressants SSNRIs I think they’re called. But he’s going to “take it slow” so I won’t get any medication for a while. I get that, he doesn’t want to get it wrong. But by this time I was just irritated by the fact he didn’t listen. So my high hypomania went to low hypomania with anger and frustration from irritability. I’m not looking for a diagnosis of bipolar but c’mon, BPD is wrong. I looked it up. I have 3 different sites with 3 sets of symptoms.
Mayoclinic symptoms:

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
  • Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
  • Wide mood swings
  • Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
  • Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
  • Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
  • Suicidal behavior
  • Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
  • Fear of being alone
  • Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

Nami.org:

  • Marked mood swings with periods of intense depressed mood, irritability and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days (but not in the context of a full-blown episode of major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder).
  • Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger.
  • Impulsive behaviors that result in adverse outcomes and psychological distress, such as excessive spending, sexual encounters, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving or binge eating.
  • Recurring suicidal threats or non-suicidal self-injurious behavior, such as cutting or burning one’s self.
  • Unstable, intense personal relationships, sometimes alternating between “all good,” idealization, and “all bad,” devaluation.
  • Persistent uncertainty about self-image, long-term goals, friendships and values.
  • Chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness.
  • Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

Psychcentral:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.

So ones that come up a lot are: efforts to avoid abandonment – I don’t have that. I don’t feel misunderstood but I feel empty when depressed. Mood swings last a few hours to a few days NOT WEEKS! Unstable relationships, either hating or loving – no middle ground. I don’t love anyone and I don’t hate anyone, I nothing a lot of people. Self image problems, I don’t hate myself or anything associated with that.Okay so I do self harm, reckless when manic and do have paranoid thoughts and dissociative symptoms but not when stressed, they just happen. But temper comes in it a lot, constant anger and I’m not.
I just can’t accept the fact he has not been listening to me so much he thinks I have BPD. I know I’m not a psychiatrist, I know I don’t have the knowledge, but I KNOW me and I can read the symptoms that come up a lot. I know a lot of bipolar people are misdiagnosed as BPD and it takes them years to change said diagnosis and probably another psychiatrist. Now I just have to wait for the other psychiatrists opinion.
But nothing is definite yes.

But I am going to give CAMHS pdoc one last chance. If he doesn’t listen to me next time, then I can’t go back to CAMHS if I still am seeing him.

Ups and Downs.

Some days, I can be at a constant 5 (which on my mood chart is most severe depression with 1 being the least, 0 being normal) and sometimes I can go from a 5 to a 3 in a matter of minutes. But it doesn’t ever switch to mania that fast.Today was one of those days.

I’ve found that for a few weeks now, I have NO motivation. Before, I had a little. But now I have none, my concentration is poorer. So I’ve been thinking… What’s changed? Well, I’m not AS sleep deprived anymore. I’ve been wondering whether sleep deprivation and all the wonderful fussiness that comes with it stopped the depression from interfering as much. So while I may have done half assed jobs of everything when sleep deprived, I did at least do it or try to. I sit in maths, science and I just can’t keep my mind on task and it doesn’t wander to meadows with green grass, peaceful and quiet. It wanders too. Hence why that chapter is also taking so long to write. I am usually faster at doing tasks. Under normal circumstances, the chapter would have been put out. But the fact is my mind can’t concentrate. It’s too depressed to work. It just looks at the work and says: “honey, I can’t. I can’t do this. It’s not important to either you or me at this present moment in time. So let me just remind you of all the bad things you’ve done, so you’ll feel worse and stop”.
Thank you, brain.
It’s an endless cycle sometimes. I need to do things to stop thinking, but then the thinking becomes more powerful and then I have to stop. So I undertake a lot of tasks I may not finish. But I plan to. The chapter is one it’s way. I still do the photoblog occassionally. I revise sometimes.

We (we as in my class) had a chemistry test today. I have been away for a lot of the topic but surprisingly there wasn’t much I missed on the test. I’m sure I didn’t do very well. But I feel bad in a way because I’ve been away a lot and even I know when you put pure lithium in water it produces light. SK didn’t even know that. She seemed to really struggle. But at least she did make me laugh by insulting Mr TD. He was wearing this suit, mismatched and she goes “did he get that from the children’s section?” Because he’s my height. I know, I know, that’s mean and I would never say it if he didn’t make me feel rubbish all the time. The boys in my science class also pick on SK, they say stuff like “[her name], babe” or “turn around so I can see the charge in your eyes” charge, protons… it was funny. I feel I should be more supportive of my friend, but they’re like vultures. You get involved and you’re the new prime target and what with my self esteem at rock bottom and my stress levels hitting critical levels, I tend to stay out of it. I feel bad because I know if the situation were reversed she get involved for me.

At break, I sat with SK and stuff and well. It wasn’t that eventful. In maths, I sat down and even had the maths work in front of me. Our teacher is bad though. He doesn’t teach. He writes a formula on the board, hands us some sheets and they he used to just sit at the front of the class and not help but since someone’s mum had a go at him on Parents Day, he just comes round and says things like “you doing work?” “you okay?” “what are you doing?” – no one, for the record is doing that much work because no one understands it and majority of people (me include) are doing it wrong and people have given up on asking because he doesn’t explain it properly anyway and acts like you’re stupid when you ask for help. If this wasn’t important for the future and qualifications. I wouldn’t care. But I need at least a B for most university courses I looked into and I’m capable of a B. If my brother gets him, I swear I will lose my mind because my brother is capable of an A in maths GCSE. He’s good at maths, I’m good at English. So now, JLS and I spend the lesson having to either go on her phone and look up maths methods or look like we’re working when we’re not. But I’m haven’t been in a social mood recently. I have nothing worth saying. JLS spends all her time with this new guy. Who I keep getting asked about. That’s what annoys me. I don’t want to talk to strange people about a friend who ditches me for a guy.

We then have health. SK asked if I was okay, she said we could swap places if I didn’t like the light. I don’t. Damn day light, blinding. JLS asks as well. But unless I start up a conversation (which in this current state of mind I’m unlikely to do) she won’t talk to me. I know in my blogs you see me go from hating these people to loving them. Low self esteem can do that to a person I guess.

Lunch, in Health I couldn’t work. just couldnt and so I sent my dad an email with the link to the article about bipolar disorder which I will write up tomorrow as I’m not at school. I spent some time with people but I couldn’t tolerate 5omins so I walked around listening to music. Ending up at RE.

My mood picked up to 4/3 after I received my test back A* 17/18 on my test. So in PE, I was doing well at badminton till NS and her friend came over and asked to play at which point I went over to AS and MU, sat on the floor and began talking.

I got in the car and I had some parcels, mainly Christmas presents for my family and then I got home and went straight to bed.

As for the melatonin 6mg dosage. Exactly the same. Slept three hours, had nightmare (terror) awoke. Still tired. So I lay down and I get very paranoid and every noise is someone coming to hurt me, I’ve slept with knives under my pillows before from this paranoia but I experience paranoia more in mixed episode and possibly mania than depression. So I was too scared to go to sleep.

Current mood: Depressed – 4.

Rant.

I’m sorry. I know I have a lot to do in the next 15 mins. But I need to write about this.

You know when you’re little and you see your parents drinking alcohol. So you ask for some. So they give you a little amount knowing you’ll hate it. Well that happened to me, the choice of alcohol at this point is vodka and orange.

Okay, so let me start from the beginning of my anger.
I was sitting in bed writing further thoughts about the appointment on Tuesday in my journal, it dawned on me.
Tuesday is parents day. Orginally I had got appointments between 2pm and 3pm so we can go and then pick my brother up and go home.
But then I remembered we had the camhs meeting. So I promptly went to tell dad whilst I remembered.
But he was “tired” so he wasn’t taking it in. So I wrote it on a piece of paper and left it on his desk.
On his desk was a glass.
It was my chance.
The lights were off.
He had his back to me and his eyes closed.
I know that everyone leaves a drop of their drink in their glass but to get it you have to turn it 180 degrees.
So I did.
The taste was the familiar taste of vodka.
My dad says you can’t taste vodka.
I don’t know if that’s true of everyone, but I can.
So I was mad.
Is that how little he cared about me?

Last year, my dad drank a lot of vodka and ended up collapsing. We didnt know he had drank any because we never saw any. So we thought he was ill and called an ambulance.
TB, my older brother came down. We waited. Worried. Only to find out he was pissed! He drunk enough to get himself put in hospital.

He promised no more vodka.

He said he’d stop.

I knew he’d been drinking. Every single fucking night.

I’m not an idiot.

But I never had any proof.

I still don’t. Not really. Only a receipt from a few months ago.

But now I know the truth.

My dad is an alcoholic. I can’t save him.

The selfish fucking asshole.

About to go to bed…

The title of this blog probably fills you with thrills. It is currently 21:22.

I was at 21:22 in a good frame to sleep. But now I’m worked up and upset. Why is not important.

So I’ve brushed my teeth, brushed my hair and tied it up. Electric blanket is at the lowest setting of 1. Fairy lights are on.

I have the melatonin in my hand and I’m ready to take it.

Laptop will be turned off. Just need to send a quick text and the phone will be out the room too.

So all ready for sleep.

My first port of call if I am not asleep by 3am is to blog about it.

But wish me luck.

Okay, here goes nothing.

A more positive attitude…

I know I spend a lot of time bitching about my day and bitching about my life with only a few positive bits put in. How about today, I do something completely out of character and do mainly positive with only a few negative bits in? Well let’s try it and if it does revert to my usual negativity, I apologise.

I’ll do a negative bit at the end; sorry.

I mainly went to school today because I had sociology and I do enjoy it. But I was falling asleep but just because of the heat of the room, you know that atmosphere which is just perfect for sleeping. But I kept myself awake; fought through the wonderful temperature and closing eye lids.

I then had textiles, but instead of doing work I helped SK with her English homework while pretending to do mine (my textiles, not English).

Maths, again tired and the room is warm.

English, lunch, English. Lunch was mildly interesting as this girl went and yelled at this boy who called her mum a ‘pleb’ after her mum gone in an accident and then when handed a script about teenage pregnancy in drama, said boy told said to girl’s bestfriend that’ll be good practice for when she’s older. So drama.

At the end of English, Miss S, said to me stay behind and she basically said she received the email and that if I needed help, all I had to do is ask. Which is brilliant. But (and here’s where it gets negative) she was off last Tuesday and therefore the email must have come after that and I have history on Thursday and Friday and maybe Mr TD was looking at me evily for that reason which is horrible. I have some old teachers and I would accept a little unresponsiveness from them but he is my youngest teacher and yet he is still upholding the stigma. Yes the staring has happened before but it was worse on Thursday. If he asks me to stay back on Thursday (assuming I go) then I will just be annoyed if he starts talking about it.

Sorry this blog is not up to my usual quality and no I’m not manic, I might be heading that way but am not currently on this scale (a scale I will use from now on) I am:

Here. Mild low mood.

But mainly I am tired. I shall conserve my energy for the possibly super long blog I shall write tomorrow after my psychiatrist appointment.