So hypomania improves my driving?

Bipolar outreach decided to take me on and I am officially off CAMHS though I am supposed to call and say ‘good bye’ because here’s what happened:

The original plan was Miss D picks me up from outside college at 8:15am, she never came because she went to the wrong school so we missed the appointment with CAMHS so I couldn’t sign off that way. My dad drove me home which usually would have been great but the electricity has been fucking up so we didn’t have much heat or anything to do. Then I went to the appointment and one of the things I liked was she asked how I felt about bipolar as a diagnosis. I don’t fully believe bipolar is my diagnosis or that there is anything wrong necessary but if I was to say something was wrong I would say it was bipolar. It’s a difficult thing to be asked which is why I guess I should be more sympathetic when she asked my dad and he just blurted out some ridiculous answer. She seems nice but I just have this annoying gut feeling saying there is something off about her. Maybe it was anxiety since my dad was on the room but I just feel like there is something off about her. Basically the only interesting things I learnt were:

  • I’m off CAMHS and onto an Adult service.
  • If abilify doesn’t work it’s lamicital is next.
  • If the periods of uncomfortable, mind breaking restlessness doesn’t stop there is a medication (addictive) that can be taken to stop these periods.
  • This is a long hypomanic episode for me.
  • My blood pressure is lower today than it has been in recent days.
  • Measure weight every week *coughs* nope *coughs*

As for driving, I’ve had 11 lessons. The last 3 (which is 3 weeks) approximately is the length of this hypomanic episode have been my best driving lessons so far. When you’re not preoccupied with trying to drive the car into a tree to kill yourself, you can be a good driver or at least a reasonable learner driver. Just need a hypomanic episode for my actual driving test and I’m ace.

I think overall the day has been okay and the electricity is somewhat on now.


Bipolar outreach?

I say a lot about the universe and it’s alignment with my life. I mean if you’ve been watching the new Sherlock Holmes series you’ll see that the universe is rarely so sloppy as to create coincidences but there is no other way to explain these things.

Remember that girl I met EH, she uses Autism Outreach for aspergers and I learnt this a few months ago and aside from my brother and my dad (sorta) no one knows about her aspergers or that she uses Autism Outreach and yesterday I am offered a place under Bipolar Outreach. Universal sloppiness, anyone?

It was explained to me that in six months CAMHS would have had to look for another place for me to go to, like adult services but like I said six months away. So why the sudden offer on the table? Why didn’t they put this offer on the table several months ago? Well, to explain the suddenness I would have to point the finger at my father who pissed my psychiatrist off (or possibly scared him) by threatening to take action against him for not having the blood tests but prescribing a 1g dose of Carbamzepine that caused blurred vision, ataxia and dizziness which has caused this last week to be relatively school-less. Though the official reason is my brand of recent mania has sounded on the verge of a full psychotic episode, any truth to that? Maybe. But I didn’t think so. Though crazy doesn’t know they’re crazy, so maybe I am verging on psychosis. But what are the benefits?

I’d have a consultant to manage my medications. No more CAMHS. No more psychiatrist. She’s nearer, no more going all the way across town. It’s a woman which not sound like a man-hater, I did want a girl so I’d feel more comfortable talking about birth control, medication fucking up my period cycle and basically girl things. My consultant and therapy in the same building. An on hand team for the emergency I am so obviously heading for… Well, according to everyone except me. Personally I’ve never felt better. They stay with me for  3 years and if at the end of the 3 years I’m ready to be on my own then that’s what happens, if I’m not they continue.  I’m listing the pros right now and I don’t actually see many benefits…  Maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much time in my own world when they were explaining because I must have thought it was a good idea if I agreed to it, so there must have been more points than that.

I have a CAMHS appointment on Wednesday, possibly my last and a meeting with the consultant two hours later which mean I have to spend time in the waiting room by myself as my dad isn’t coming till the actual meeting time and Miss D is taking me to both appointments, not that anyone was in a happy mood in Friday’s appointment. Well I suppose I was but more giddy than anything else.

WillI I decide whether I’m happy with the consultant on Wednesday? Will the consultant decide she’s ready to take me on? All will be revealed on Wednesday’s blog.

Hour two

CAMHS woman phoned said she had three options but the one she was more inclined to do was set up a support thing for evenings. My dad can’t see at night. I have school work. I was being fobbed off so I hung up.

She rang back and spoke to my dad and said that what my doctor had said was wrong and that it was my psychiatrist who needed to sign off on me going in so she was going to ring him within the hour. She has 14 (12:02pm) minutes until that time is up.

I also had a temper tantrum. But let’s not talk about that.

See you at hour 3.

Pdoc Appt.

I went to the psychiatrists mixed episode but whilst waiting, I got up to hypomania which I can control to a degree but when I went in my legs were shaking and I couldn’t stop them because the energy and agitiation manifests itself into physical problems and usually I direct it to my legs because they’re under the table and no one can see it but when my psychiatrist saw it not only did it further prove my truthfulness about these episodes but he suggested a stress ball.

As for zoloft, I stay off it and instead he’s going to try antipsychotic medication because he thinks we “should try it from the other side” which I think means since we can’t attack moods, we attack the psychotic symptoms. But before he can give it to me he has to get a blood test done (at the GP since there isn’t the facilities there) and I have another appointment for the 9th of April and it takes a week for the results of the blood test to come through so if I get it done next week or something that should be okay because my psychiatrist said he has to fax the list of things he wants checked and from the wikipedia page I looked at and what he said it’s stuff like cholesterol, white blood cell count and stuff like. He said even if I went on mood stablizers, I’d need the blood test done anyway. I don’t mind blood tests, I’ve had about 100 in my life time. My dad’s a baby though. He almost passed out when I had this one done for my operation a few years ago. To be fair, I didn’t have the usual three small test tubes, I had about six done but ever since whenever I had blood taken I tell my dad to get the hell out of the room because he puts me on edge with his fainting.

I get that it’s a week but I have to wait until 9th April? That’s the Tuesday I go back after a two week holiday and that two week holiday is in two weeks. Four weeks for an appointment but I suppose to be fair, if he’s telling the truth I should be hearing from the bipolar and psychosis specialist this week and have an appointment in the next two and I suppose it makes sense that he has to hear back from her on the best course of treatment and make a plan and then there are other people in line for appointments. When put that way, a month doesn’t seem so bad.

What goes up does not necessarily go down

It’s the 2nd January now and I guarantee that one of the first mistakes you’ll all make is writing 2012 instead of 2013 and having to change the two to an oddly shaped 3.

I’ve started reading lesuirely again. Probably because I spend all day in bed and have the energy when I go to school I probably won’t be reading as lesuirely. I mean really if I’m going to read I should reread “Of Mice and Men” since that is what the exam is about but after going over it so many time and analysing it in such small detail I find it boring. But I will probably reread it. It is a short book and I’ve read 500 pages in one night, what’s another book?

My dad tried driving again yesterday because his eye sight dramatically improved on Sunday. Now he’s annoyed because the other eye due to the cataracts sees darker than it should but he’s getting it done in Easter so that’s good news because after that his eye sight should be good although speaking of glasses. I think I remembered one of the many reasons I stopped reading for pleasure. As I am so tired reading strains my eyes, cauing a headaches and so I have to wear my glasses. I have two pairs. I have an old pair just for reading but when I wet back she gave me long distance and short distance combined in one pair and the reason I don’t wear them is because whilst they’re perfectly fine for reading I can’t see long distance with them so I have to go back to the optitions but it’ll look good if I walk in asking for an eye test and my dad’s the one wearing a patch.

My dad’s going to have a serious talk to me about going to the doctors for my rash and I wasn’t going to take him up on it because they seemed to be going down and no more appeared but I thought with my inner monologue too soon because more appeared and I have been a lot more itchy so after some momentary cursing, I concided to talk about going. I know it’s irresponsible not to go and I know from past experience that putting going off for something doesn’t bode well for me. But and call me a childish girl if you want. Like a lot og girls I’m insecure about my body and I don’t really want to show my stomach or my legs especially as it means primping and I can’t even show the one on my wrist because I self harm there and that’s the last thing I want is to show a doctor that and if I have to throw a tantrum to not have to take my top off than I will ad if they put it down to bipolar or whatever mental illness I have – fine.

Another CAMHS appointment came in the post but we have to reschedule it because it’s for 3pm and by the time we get out it’ll be dark and my dad can’t see. Which means I get some time off school but I can’t really miss anymore of history so that leaves out Thursday and Friday. I personally think English is a best bet becase I’ve done enough English prep to last me a life time; yet I picked it for A level. Which shows you how much I think.

CAMHS… Yet again.

School was brilliant. There’s not much I can say, I just was having fun and it was good. Like it always is with mania and hypomania.

But, I get it… That’s not what you want to talk about. You want to talk about CAMHS. Instead of decribing a monologue of what happened which he didn’t do in chronological order anyway plus I haven’t the mind to deal with big blocks of text.

The waiting roomWe were in the waiting room for half an hour, we were 15mins early but he was 15mins late. I was antsy. Walking, pacing, rapid talking, singing, irritability. Manic behaviour but when the psychiatrist came in, that went down to high hypomania. We walked to the room. I was singing.

SleepThe first question he asked was about sleep and melatonin. Good place to start. I told him: 3 hours, nightmare. He said that melatonin is discontinued. Later on, near the end he said he was going to put me on Zopiclone 3.75mg. I had already been put on zopiclone and it didn’t make me sleep. The GP gave it to me and was unwilling to up the dose and the pdoc said that there’s no point taking it then and didn’t offer another solution. There are lots of sleep medications… Why didn’t he just give me another one?


He finally addressed moods! Fucking finally! Sorry, bad language I know. But I am glad. Even though he did it in a roundabout way. Okay, so one of the more memorable questions: “do you see things like a spade is a spade or do you see like extended flowery bits..” That is what he said. I got what he meant. Which is worse? Basically it’s like saying in a book “do you see the curtains as blue or are the curtains blue to the depression of the character?” I said that I sometimes see a spade as a spade but sometimes see the extended bits. Which is true of everyone. I told him that depression is 3 weeks and mania/hypomania is two. I thought were were finally going to get somewhere. I really did. The questions, so a bit weird, some expected. But then at the end when he was suming up, I realised he hasn’t listened to ANYTHING I said. Not a thing. He says that he believes that whilst bipolar is still a possible diagnosis, he is leaning towards Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I know someone with BPD, we are nothing a like. From the first time we met, he said that bipolar in ‘children’ is rare and I believe he’s now trying to fit in my symptoms with anything but. But he showed me some print outs and was supposed to give them to me but he forgot to give the BPD one. He also gave me one on antidepressants SSNRIs I think they’re called. But he’s going to “take it slow” so I won’t get any medication for a while. I get that, he doesn’t want to get it wrong. But by this time I was just irritated by the fact he didn’t listen. So my high hypomania went to low hypomania with anger and frustration from irritability. I’m not looking for a diagnosis of bipolar but c’mon, BPD is wrong. I looked it up. I have 3 different sites with 3 sets of symptoms.
Mayoclinic symptoms:

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
  • Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
  • Wide mood swings
  • Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
  • Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
  • Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
  • Suicidal behavior
  • Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
  • Fear of being alone
  • Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

  • Marked mood swings with periods of intense depressed mood, irritability and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days (but not in the context of a full-blown episode of major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder).
  • Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger.
  • Impulsive behaviors that result in adverse outcomes and psychological distress, such as excessive spending, sexual encounters, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving or binge eating.
  • Recurring suicidal threats or non-suicidal self-injurious behavior, such as cutting or burning one’s self.
  • Unstable, intense personal relationships, sometimes alternating between “all good,” idealization, and “all bad,” devaluation.
  • Persistent uncertainty about self-image, long-term goals, friendships and values.
  • Chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness.
  • Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.


  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.

So ones that come up a lot are: efforts to avoid abandonment – I don’t have that. I don’t feel misunderstood but I feel empty when depressed. Mood swings last a few hours to a few days NOT WEEKS! Unstable relationships, either hating or loving – no middle ground. I don’t love anyone and I don’t hate anyone, I nothing a lot of people. Self image problems, I don’t hate myself or anything associated with that.Okay so I do self harm, reckless when manic and do have paranoid thoughts and dissociative symptoms but not when stressed, they just happen. But temper comes in it a lot, constant anger and I’m not.
I just can’t accept the fact he has not been listening to me so much he thinks I have BPD. I know I’m not a psychiatrist, I know I don’t have the knowledge, but I KNOW me and I can read the symptoms that come up a lot. I know a lot of bipolar people are misdiagnosed as BPD and it takes them years to change said diagnosis and probably another psychiatrist. Now I just have to wait for the other psychiatrists opinion.
But nothing is definite yes.

But I am going to give CAMHS pdoc one last chance. If he doesn’t listen to me next time, then I can’t go back to CAMHS if I still am seeing him.

Findings from my experiment.

Okay. So three hours a night is sort of what I used to get on hectic school nights anyway. I’d say that even 3 hours, sleep deprivationwise is good. But…

I miss sleep deprivation. When I was sleep deprived, I was dozy, dumb and a little bit on the numb side. I had no idea how easier this made depression. I feel now like I have been punched in the throat and I am now drowning. I feel on edge all the time. With sleep deprivation I was on the edge with anger and irritability. But now I just feel this intense sadness and it’s awful. Anger came with fight. Sadness comes with giving up.

I know I usually do a play by play of my day. But my entire day was awful. I smiled. But a fake smile. I’ve mastered this skill. Unfortuantely I can’t take a qualification in it, if I could i’d pass with flying colours.

But I’m just immensely sad.

I was numb before.

This is why I’m relucant to change things.

My brain or my body, has or at least had a good system in place.

It was protecting my conciousness and in turn me, from suffering. That may have been what my sleep deprivation is about.

But I’m just playing amatuer psychologist. It just seems that we go 1 step forward to go two steps back.

The one step being getting closer to fixing sleep and two steps back is making depression worse.

One of the worst things is: ever since I was a little girl, when I was faced with a bad situation or a scared, nerve wracking, depressing situation. I would become extremely cold and shake. If the room wasn’t that warm, the shaking would be quite violent. I’ve been doing it on and off all day. With no real cause. Just this immense suicidal feeling.
I’ve even noticed a decrease in my joy for things. For example. Tumblr, I’ve had one for a while but never really used it. But I’ve recently got really into it. This should have sent me into an obsessive frenzy about blogging on tumblr and all of this but it hasn’t. It’s barely mused me and I have little energy to do anything. My back is quite weak and can’t take the shivering much longer. I have bad nerves and my nerves keep getting trapped. Also due to this shaking. This made me considerable ill in PE.

Suicidal things just rattle around my head. Planning it. To the last detail.

People say to me: “it’s not you, it’s your illness”.

Well, my illness is me. Me and my illness are one of the same. I do try and seperate as well. But… I just can’t. I can’t sit here and deny there’s nothing wrong. There is.
I write a lot about bipolar disorder on here. But honestly? I hate the word. I hate it being associated with me. It grinds against me. If you and I were ever in the same room and you were to scrape, usually two metal things together. I would flinch and probably leave the room as it makes my teeth itch. That is how the word mental illness and bipolar make me feel.

But as for the physical side effects. I’ve developed a rash on my back. It’s causing it to ache. I’ve been getting a few random bouts of dizziness.
My heart beat goes from normal to rapid sometimes but that’s anxiety.
But could this be something else? I mean we all know how my luck is. It could be unrelated. The dizziness could come from something stomach/food related whilst the rash could be my bag on my shoulder. Though my left one is my bad one and that doesn’t hurt.

I’m also not going CAMHS till the 20th December now as I can’t go tomorrow.  But tomorrow dad and I are going to discuss the appointment for paid for psychiatrist because we need to send the mood diary 2 weeks prior.

But onto some more serious things. I’ll go onto more light hearted stuff at the end and so we can all feel more happy and maybe even excited.

So serious:

I was talking to this girl about our suicide attempts and she is better. A lot better and is actually one of those spokes people for mental illness. Well she’s not really a girl. She’s 25-26 but anyway…

So I said that: “it’s hard to handle. It’s hard to be back in that position again.”
“What? Desperate?”
“I don’t think it’s desperation. I dno. Lack of fight I guess.”
“I was desperate. Hell any of us who try are desperate you said you’d give it till 2013.”
“Youre not really going to hold me to that, are you?”

She said she was and she went on to make me describe why I’m in that position again. Talk through the plans. Unfortuantely and when she reads this I know Ill get an mail. But I clamed up. I can’t talk about this. Call is ashamed. Call it the British stiff upper lip. I just can’t. But I don’t get why. There are so many people relying on me. So many people who need me and need me to stay alive.

But does anyone realise how amazingly frustrating it is to go a step forward to go two steps back?
It’s hard.
I sometimes think it’d be easier to just suffer from depression. I think going from the most amazing feeling you’ve ever felt in your life to the worse is unfair and really rather cruel. To have the best feeling torn away from you and replaced with this… this awful feeling is maddening.

I used to deal with all the maddening things by escaping into my imagination. Substituting reality for my own. But now even my imagination has dried up. Maybe it’s sick of competing with this other reality. The reality I’m in. The reality a lot of other people are in I feel disconnected to. My imagination world I feel disconnected to. The reality I feel even the slightest bit connected to is my reality. This reality where nothing is as it seems where you’ll hear snatches of noise that aren’t there. See little girls in lights and pink cats across the road. In any other circumstance, I’d welcome such loveliness and randomness. But I don’t want it in bipolar disorder. I’m going to put it bluntly…

I’m hanging on by a thread.

And it’s not going to take a lot to pull me from it.


But on the lighter side:

A friend I know, recommended 2 things. Firstly. Use etsy as a shop to sell my items. Secondly, write my story down.

I know…

So and listen before anyone says it sounds crazy.

Apparently I am supposed to write a chapter a week or every two weeks or whenever I can fit it in. In the perspective of myself. Write about the past. Leading up to the present and one of the things that is sort of convincing me to it is, what they said:
“People write about after they’ve been cured, that’s boring. Not to be mean. If you wrote and it got quite full you could do multiple ones and it’d always be a guess on whether you’ll come out the other end out it.”

So even I’m intrigued.

I’ll consider it.

No promises.

To sum up my blog.

The experiment didn’t have a hypothesis so there is no sucess or failure. Just that depression is much more poignant than it was with sleep deprivation.



Paint me rage.

Okay. This is going to go chronologically rather than in order of what everyone would like to hear first.

I went to school. School was okay. I did a lot of health work in the library, I also have to do my personal statement for sixth form so Miss can check it over the weekend but I do also have to finish my course work so that sucks. Lots of work to do. We then had biology. I like biology. We did respiration; it’s interesting. We finished watching this movie about discrimination against black people (sorry if that offends anyone but it’s okay to say ‘black people’ in England) in the 1960s and the discrimination of that time period, the ku kluck klan etc. But I left before the video ended as I had CAMHS appointment.

As you can see I have cut down that story considerably because I know what you lovely lot want.
We drove to camhs.

We got there. I was angry, frustrated and anxious. One guess as to what period I was in…
MIXED! WHOO! no. No, whooing.
Anyway, we got in and I was cold. Which enhanced the shaking from anxiety. We went into the waiting room. The waiting room contains a lot of baby toys, I sat by the radiator, we hadn’t even been there two minutes and he says: “I’m bored” -_-He started watching this tutorial on how to text on an old nokia phone. He was annoying me, so I walked to the other side of the road and grabbed the “where’s Wally?” book. For those of you unfamiliar with that book is you have a crowd of people and have to find just one called Wally, google it for more details. Our appointment was at 3pm. I didn’t want to go and I said that. My dad said that if the pdoc doesn’t come by 3:05pm then we will leave. The pdoc came in before 5 minutes past 3. My dad and brother were told to wait there and I was led into a room with a psychiatric nurse and the man who came to get me was the psychiatrist. It started with plesantries. “hello”, “how are you?” etc.

Okay, so he had the notes from before so he didn’t need to ask everything again. He started with sleep. How long I slept. Why I didn’t sleep. Fairly standard questions.
The psychiatric nurse chirped in several times but she had to leave quarter to 4, that’s how she started off the meeting.
But I had an attitude. I was frustrated and angry.
So he asked how long I slept a week, roughly 5-10 hours. He said “a day?” I answered with a “no, a week” which was met with a surprised look. I ended up shrugging a lot because how do I didn’t feel like answering his questions. He didn’t like the fact I kept saying “well maybe it was subconcious because I was certainly not aware of it”. He then asked how sleep deprivation affected my life. I basically just said the biggies: concentration, memory, hand eye coordination skills and math skills. He just couldn’t believe how I looked and acted on such little sleep. I didn’t like his tone. His tone implied he didn’t believe me. I didn’t like it. As a health professional he should know everyone reacts different to everything. Some people can survive two months without food, while some can only last two weeks. So I can survive on an hour a night sleep. If he’s not going to believe me then what’s the point? He kept asking why i didn’t get help for the insomnia. I honestly thought it would pass. It passed before. I also said it was too much “drama” to do it. That I wasnt worth it. Remember, I was in a mixed episode. I was upset. I was angry. Shaky. I wanted out.

One of the more angering and memorable moments was:
The psychiatric nurse says to me: “Have you researched what your mood swings could be?”
I said: “I researched a bit when the doctor told me to research bipolar disorder but it sounded too like me so I stopped”
The psychiatric nurse smiled and got where I was coming from. The psychiatrist said: “That happens with many psychology students, they learn about all these mental illnesses and think they have them all” which in my mind is basically implying he believes I read it on the internet and applied it to myself. But I developed the mood swings and was TOLD to research. You can’t just make it up.

The only thing holding my decorum together was the psychiatric nurse. But she left, I moved the table to the side that was seperating me from the psychiatrist so she could get out and by this point I had give my mood diary and she said she’d read it again.

The psychiatrist really just couldn’t grasp basic points. I was angry and that anger came through in quick, harsh, sarcastic comments. He focused on sleep for 50mins and then brought my dad in and my dad said “obviously I’m worried about the moods, I just wish she could sleep”. I pulled a face. My dad sensed I was annoyed and frustrated. He said “you okay?” I said “I’m fine, just frustrated”.

The psychiatrist said that since the diazepam didn’t work, he was going to prescribe me melatonin 2mg. Which I already knew regulates your circidan rhythm and comes from your pituary gland. He gave us some information sheet with the side effects. One being headaches. I wonder whether it’ll affect my migraines. We’ll have to see. He said any side effects, stop taking them and tell him. I have to take them every night. But before he could give them to me. He had to take my blood pressure and check my heart. Problem arises. So I manage to adjust myself so that my right arm (the one with the less scars on) is the one the psychiatrist can get without asking me to move. He asked me to take off my cardigan/jumper. I did. I was wearing this thin, purple, long sleeved top underneath and I thought to myself “yes, he can just take it over it”
He told me to roll my sleeve up, I did keeping my wrist under the desk as whilst it isn’t as scarred as the left one, the scars are in crosses and aren’t explainable. But he said that rolling it up made it tight so to roll it back down and he’ll take it over the top though it won’t be as accurate. He then got me to lie down whilst he listened to my heart through a stephascope. Not to alarm or accuse but he spent an awful long time keeping that stephascope on my left breast above my heart. Either he couldn’t get a heart beat or something was just… off. Still shaking. He asked why. He said was I cold. I said I wasn’t and that it’s just a mix of frustration and anxiety.

Everything seemed fine and he gave the presciption and we made an appointment for next Tuesday.

So my overall opinion is: I don’t like him. I don’t like the way he implied everything was sleep related when neither of us are sure what started first. He made out it was all in my head these mood swings and that I’d just applied the mental illness that sounded closest. His attutide wasn’t very nice. I didn’t like the fact he said not to talk about mood swings. His constant need to end his sentences with “isn’t it” annoyed me. No, he will not be my psychiatrist much longer.

It was then off to the doctors. On the way there, I was upset, irritable and dad couldn’t see as it was like 4:15pm and it had gotten dark so my dad couldn’t see. I started a conversation with “He wouldn’t let me talk” my dad told me to talk to him when he was on safe roads. So when we got onto the roads my dad knew I started the sentence again “he wouldn’t let me talk” and my dad thought I said “you won’t let me talk” and snapped at me, we argued. I didn’t talk to him after that. Due to the fact it was the time most people were going home from school and work there was a lot of traffic so I had to hop out the car and run so we didn’t miss the appointment. As it happens he was running 30mins behind. Our appointment was at 5:10pm. During the waiting, my dad went to get the melatonin but the person said it wouldn’t be in till Tuesday. it’s quite specialized so it’s hard to get. Then my dad got a phone call from my sister and had to go outside to take it. The call was about my sister had bought him a car. My dad was grateful. But a little bit pissed off as it means my aunt contacted my sister to tell her and my sister just bought it without consulting anyone. I get obviously. What with mania an’ all.

So since we got melatonin there was no point to up the dose. My doctor gave me drops for my ear. Migraleve for migraines.
So here’s how my pill schedule will go for the next few days:
Morning with breakfast: iron, vitamin D, allergy (possibly) and ear spray.
Home from school: Spray
Night: Melatonin.

With migraine tablets intersparsed.

Then my dad and I got in another argument.

Turns out that I have to either eat or sleep. If I don’t eat, sleep deprivation really shows through.

So camhs was bad. We are going next Tuesday, possibly for the last time. My dad said he’s willing to pay, he’ll borrow money if need be. I don’t think he understands how frequently I’ll need it.

I will put some pictures on the new blog in a few moments. Bear with 😉


You’ve probably realised that today is the 14th, so tomorrow is the 15th (I know it’s mind blowing). So CAMHS is tomorrow. I have to write this blog now as I am at school tomorrow and I don’t have a phone to write it on the way there. So how am I feeling?

Nervous: I don’t know what they want or are going to do. Least with the paid for pdoc there are set plans. I know the next time I go it will be to discuss the mood diary and probably get a diagnosis. I don’t know what this involved and whether it’ll be just another assessment with no real outcome or whether they’ll give me a diagnosis. Like an offical one rather than “it seems like bipolar, but I don’t know, we need to assess you more”.

Worried: Partly because I will be offically labelled as a bipolar *insert type here* girl and all the lovely discrimination that comes with it. I already experience some discrimination, experiencing it more will just kill me. Possibly. Probably no. I do have a flair for the dramatic. Also to which mood I’ll be in. Mixed episode and mania give me the confidence to stand up for myself but mania means I will talk to no end and will reveal things I will regret later and that do not and should not be discussed on the first meeting of them. Whereas a mixed episode will give me a temper and an attitude to match. It won’t be a productive atmosphere.

Excited: Maybe well finally get somewhere.

Happy: I get to have lunch but miss one period of history. Though if we’re watching a movie. I will be sad 😥

Prepare for an uber (never used that word before, maybe never will again) long blog tomorrow.

Mixed episode: mania, hypomania… Come back, all is forgiven ;)

What a day!
I am going to try my best to describe today. Partly by not describing my entire day as if you were my journal.
So my morning starts with me waking up in a tired but irritable/aggressive mood. Mixed episode.
I go to school, first lesson is textiles. So I’m in the library. I debate what I have to do. Remember I have health work and begin doing this. About 9:55 – 35 minutes before break. I begin to hear something. Thinking it’s my music, I take my earphones out. Then it was clearer. Whispering. I look around. No one was talking. There wasn’t an exact direction. I looked down hoping that DLG would appear. She didn’t. I begin to get very anxious. I shake, I get stiff – I can’t move, I become cold and naueous (not that I wasn’t already from the migraine). I wanted to leave. But I was stiff. I began to repeat in my head. Deep breath, calm down. This carried on until about 10:10 where I had regained control and the voices; whispers stopped. At 10:15am, I left. Went back into school and tried to find a bathroom I could calm down and have a panic attack in. Every one I went into, someone came in. Annoying. I managed to cry a little though.
My mood began to level from anxiety to bipolar… if that makes sense. Mood?
Emotional. Like really emotional.
In biology I got intensely happy at finding the right answer to a question.
I finished my history assessment and didn’t need the extra lesson. Mr TD didn’t believe it. I could tell by his face. It shook my confidence but it spiked back up. He let everyone stay in 10minutes if they wanted to. AY and I did. We went down to science. JLS isn’t on our lunch. I only know four people who sit with us on Thursday (there is usually 6 of us). MU, SK, AY, HM and me :D. We were walking and AY says to me, “going down there I’ll see you later”. The girls at our table laughed and said “Aw, AY ditched you.” I replied with: “I know! Rejected D:”. I knew everyone was joking. AY comes back after a few minutes. She was talking to her science teacher. Not going off with some friends like I thought… I didn’t mention it till now.. meant to mention it earlier in my the paragraph. Anyhoo.. everyone (except one – preemptive) laughs and says “ohh, you’re back now” in a jokey way. One says it in a spiteful way. AY then opens up some crisps, they were steak flavour, I think. SK then says “I can’t believe you’re eating them near me, I can’t eat beef.” yadayadayada. She does eat beef. She was doing it to have a go. I told her to stop and go get something to eat. AY and SK left for food, MU and this girl I forgot her name went upstairs but asking SK to check the amount on her smart card when they were there. AY begins to say SK is a bitch and that she’s horrible. I do agree. But like usual I stay neutral. They come back. AY begins to put on make up. SK then begins to say she’s orange, why does she put on so much make up. AY says that how is it embarassing to you, it’s my face. Several back and forths later. AY accidentally says not many people like SK because she bitches about people… Teenage girls, huh? SK begins to keep saying who, who! AY lists off people just to stop her. Several having a goes later and AY is crying. SK starts saying “don’t make out you’re the victim here”, AY begins to say “she doesn’t know why she’s crying, she’s being silly”. I tried several times to change the subject; to stop it but it wouldn’t. Due to heightened emotions, I get teary. But I know if I was to start crying, I would get more attention and AY needed to seem worse off here. MU comes back, sees AY crying. Asks what’s wrong. AY plays it down. MU agrees. SK makes it about her asking everyone if she’s a bitch. Argument seemed to be over.
In history, I asked AY if she was okay, I felt bad for her. Guilty I didn’t stop it. AY seemed down. We watched a movie about discrimation against black people, watching it tomorrow too. I walked out of school with AY to show my support, I wanted to talk to her about it but I couldn’t bring it up and upset her but she bought it up. She said she was scared seeing SK tomorrow. I basically said that I feel the same way. I don’t like the way SK treats people. It’s cruel. She doesn’t even have a reason.
I go to the car. Three parcels, two letters for me. In the three parcels: iPhone battery, earphones and 3 books. Two letters; confirmation of consulation of sleep clinic. CAMHS appointment.
I don’t think I’ve ever explained CAMHS on here. I feel a little wired so sorry if it doesn’t make complete sense.
CAMHS stands for Child and Adolscent Mental Health Service. From the title you can guess what it does. It’s the free service for people in the UK (Canada too I think, from what I’ve read) I went to the GP in May, was recommened to go. Got an appointment in August. Went. There was an idiotic psychiatrist who upset my dad by starting right off with a family tree rather than symptoms. Man in the corner taking notes. Result? Further assessment. It is now November, three months later. My opinion? I didn’t mind the three month waiting list. Just because a doctor says bipolar is a possibility doesn’t mean it’s so. I get it. But after said appointment, knowing bipolar is a possibility (they told me so), a three month wait seems bad as bipolar is an illness which gets worse with time. Leaving me with it seems an excessive punishment. I’m not unreasonable. If they had said do a mood diary while you wait, I’d be like “hm, good, good, we’re getting somewhere” but I know that’s what they’ll ask me to do this time. I’ll bring a copy of the mood diary I have done already. I refuse to wait longer.
Anyway, apparently I am seeing someone (possibly a psychiatrist) and a psychiatric nurse. Next week, 15th Novmber, day before my dad’s birthday. 3pm. Meaning HALF SCHOOL DAY! MEANING I MISS PE AND RE… I like RE, not PE 😉 I wonder what they’ll think of my decreasing mental state?
As to why I went private. My GP became concerned with the decline and said to go private. He is much better. I know with CAMHS I won’t get a diagnosis till well into the new year, with this psychiatrist I’ll have it in December. But I thought to myself “what mood will I be in, that day is a bit precarious…” See, I don’t know where this period is starting from, the first hypomanic episode which’ll be yesterday (day before… No bloody clue anymore) or when mania fully starts – going up properly now. But I’ll either be manic on that day or coming down meaning I will be in a VERY big temper… not a good thing when meeting people.
Phone battery broke and leaked everywhere when dad took it out. Need new phone 😦
Cafcass (Cafcass is a thing that interviews children in court cases – at least that’s what we’ve used them for) wrote to my dad and told him that the problems he bought up about the guy that interviewed; problems being: wanted to give our mother physical descriptions when the order was made for no contact, he used the previous report in his new report but misquoted and just (excuse my french) fucked up. But they stuck up for him without seeing the evidence. Of course they stick together. What if it was something more serious? Need I remind people of Baby P’s death and all the other childs deaths that could have been prevented if people like this did their job properly. THIS is why we’re screwed.
My brother’s school phoned up and said that they can’t change his last name as it’s not legal – it is and my school accepted it. But my dad said “Hold on. It isn’t about that. I just want to make sure you don’t give my number to her…” I listened from inside the bathroom. I’m a nosey girl 🙂
Tomorrow should be good. Hopefully.