Stressed out and pregnant

I like waking up to an empty house. Always have done. I do especially like it considering who I live with now because it gives me a few minutes where the noise I make doesn’t matter and I won’t be questioned about it.

I began writing a blog a while ago (probably two weeks now) about the baby scan but I kept getting distracted and GC’s brother didn’t pay the internet bill so I kinda just gave up with it. But the good news is the baby is a good size, healthy and in the low risk group of downs syndrome. I’d love this baby whatever disability it had but Downs Syndrome from what I understand can make for a higher risk of miscarriage so it’s just good news to me. The lower I can keep that risk, the happier I’ll be.

We went town the Sunday after the scan to pick up some bits and believe me town is a lot harder for me. The plan was once my dad had told my older brother who was trying for a baby about the pregnancy, we would tell everyone else. To be honest though, before he’d even told us that he’d told my brother, I decided that since we’re already out and about we could visit GC’s family since the bus goes all the way round. But before we managed to contact anyone on my partner’s side, my dad called to tell me that he had got in touch with my brother.

We told GC’s mum first via the phone as he was annoyed with her over other things and wasn’t that interested in face to face. His sister was next, she was happy for us and her kids just seemed kinda blaise to the news which I found funny. Then we took a taxi to his aunt and cousins and I think it finally hit her just before we left because she started crying. We talked about SIL1 and she said I was welcome up anytime and so I had plans to see her that following Tuesday rather than go up to my dads. We got home late so we couldn’t tell SIL1 and that niece but I didn’t really care and GC didn’t care. I did however tell him on Monday, after work we should just tell her so it’s done even though I knew the reaction we were going to get would be: “I already knew it” because she’d been saying it for the past two weeks.

She had no concrete proof of this. But we were pretty loud about it so she probably over-heard something but also she had been saying it since we started dating and if you keep saying something enough times, it’s likely that it’ll be right eventually.

I went to his aunts that Tuesday. She and GC’s cousins are lovely but I wasn’t comfortable there because it’s not my house. I couldn’t fall asleep in front of them and she kept commenting I wasn’t eating and drinking and yes, the drinking one is fair but I still throw up if I eat too much (believe me) or don’t have my pills on me so I wasn’t eating but not eating is much better than throwing up. But it makes me reluctant to want to go up again because I really don’t need to be spoken to like I don’t know what I’m doing, like I haven’t spoken to the doctors multiple times about it and am pretty sure this is the correct course of action for me.

Whilst with his aunt, SIL1 kept messaging me and saying she’d be there for me and basically it boiled down to, let’s start again. Which I was prepared to do. When I went out the following Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, it was because I had already planned to due to a doctors appointment and Friday being the day my younger brother has a half day so I tend to say (even though I usually get too tired to) I will hang out with him. However, during the messages SIL1 sent me she told me that her kid (my fiance’s niece) missed her uncle and it wasn’t fair. I just brushed that off as SIL1 being a bit manipulative because she’s still upset GC won’t do anything for her anymore.

That’s when GC told me his brother told him what happened. That Sunday when we weren’t even home and were going around telling everyone, SIL1, GC’s brother and the niece were having Sunday dinner but the niece refused to eat because her uncle wasn’t there. The two haven’t hung out and definitely not ate together in ages and after talking to my dad, I realised that the niece had heard SIL1 say I was pregnant to others and was now doing this because she was jealous. After speaking to a couple of other people about it, I decided that a jealous child would not be holding my baby. I don’t care how unhappy that makes everyone.

Overall, I’m pretty stressed out at the moment and it really does suck that it’s GC’s family making me feel that way. Not all of them. I still like his brother and sister. But everyone else wants me to do things for them but won’t do anything for me. GC keeps saying his family argues but are there for each other. I don’t want that. I don’t want people I argue with or get upset about with me during an emergency and they’ve never been there for me so again, why should I be there for them? It sounds mean but I’m sick of being the stressed out pregnant chick.

Bipolar, BPD and pregnant

Last time I wrote a post I was getting over RH and I’m happy to say I’m over him. I’m engaged to GC and realised from actually having proper sex with GC that what RH and I did that I called sex wasn’t actually sex… He couldn’t get it in because he didn’t turn me on and back then it was harder to do due to PTSD trauma.

I stopped writing on this blog because I was happier and busier and life just seemed to be going too fast for even my mind to catch up, let alone write it all down. But I’m pregnant now (approx 10 weeks) and have been pretty tired, ill and run down recently so I’ve had time to sit and think and after God knows how long I feel ready to write again.

I got engaged in July last year, probably the last time I was truly happy. Which sounds kind of horrible to say but honestly it’s true. Since September I’ve been stressed and even worse pretty ill. July was a fun month tbh. I probably got engaged a little too prematurely and rash. I went to a club with GC Sister in law for her 30th birthday and got pretty drunk which was awesome. Lithium was holding me. 

August actually wasn’t too bad either, JS had her birthday at a club and again I got pretty drunk but unfortunately threw up… Not the prettiest of scenes but it was fun. Unfortunately I didn’t really hear from her after that and I don’t know whether she considers me to have ruined her birthday or what but I haven’t heard much from her since.

I also got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in August (at least according to my medical records) so I was glad to finally know if I did or did not have that.

I dropped out of both colleges in September. The childcare course because I realised I didn’t want to do and the counselling course because I had no feasible way of making it there – but that’s just a long-ish logistical story.

I got admitted to hospital in October due to lithium toxicity and body jerking which still hasn’t fully gone. But reduced when I was taken off lithium which was good because in November I found out I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. 

It’s been kinda crazy these past few months. How has everyone else been?

Break Ups

I don’t want to reread my last blog post so I may or may not be filling in the gaps. I’m pretty sure I told you about how I was dating RH or at least that we had done stuff. We dated for about a month and I had sex with him twice (he wasn’t great) before we had another messy split and I do mean full on messy. After the break up… He didn’t care. I got drunk a lot. It was bad. Luckily I had GC to pick up the pieces, not that I could tell him why I was so down without explaining the overlap of RH and GC dating. But as far as I can tell both myself and RH have moved onto other people and I deleted him on everything but snapchat and then he deleted me on that. We won’t be contacting each other again I don’t think.

I won’t go through why he and I broke up because I’m honestly trying to put that behind me because it was so hard trying to get over him and I can’t say I’m fully there yet but I’m in a better place with it. I’m not getting drunk and crying at least. So there is that. But I will say that after a large deliberation, there was fault on both sides before the break up and he was a fucking awful prick afterwards. He hurt me without directly talking to me and ignoring me but again, it isn’t really fair of me to say without explaining it but I think that’s the best I can say. One day I may fully explain what happened but I really just want to put RH behind me.

GC is someone new. I got with him after RH broke up with me the first time and then when RH and I broke up again a week or so later I had him there for me. But due to overlap I couldn’t tell him about RH.

GC is 26 years old so there is a reasonably big age gap which at first kinda caused issues because he fell head over heels for me whilst I was, for most of our relationship, trying to get over RH so I didn’t fall as fast as he did. So his ‘I love you’ (which I have returned), his talking of moving in together, marriage, kids… all seemed a bit premature for me. An 18 year old who just found the world again.

I did actually warm up to the idea of moving in together especially what with me and my dad at odds all the time but when I had warmed up to that, the marriage/engagement thing got more serious so that whilst what I thought was a joking (though uncomfortable) discussion between him and his niece when we were in town about weddings became a little less of a joke when he took me to get my ring finger measure in a ring shop. I didn’t react straight away because of the borderline personality disorder (yep another diagnosis btw), I don’t trust myself to react so I gave myself some time to digest what happened. I talked to my friends. JS (who I knew from college and got back into contact with again actually due to RH), EC and FM and they all thought “what the fuck” like I did.

So my original plan was for me to tell him last Sunday I wanted a break. No sleeping with other people or anything but just some time to feel less smoothered. But when I was coming home from a youth council meeting, he could tell something was off. I had apparently not returned his ‘I love you’ 3 times that day (one of those times I did realise I did because I wasn’t supposed to be on my phone so kept it short and sweet) and whilst I kept saying everything was okay, he asked if he could call. We ended up talking it out and he got really upset and I didn’t ask for a break because I didn’t want to be alone this weekend. So we made up and he’s slowed down a little bit. Which is good.

We do however have plans to move in together this summer which I don’t know whether I want to go through with or not. Not so much because I don’t love him or want to be with him but I’m starting school again so I don’t know if it’ll work practically. See, I signed up for school just before RH and I met up and I signed up for counselling course. Which costs about £465 (I think) and I had to put a £50 deposit down. After RH and I broke up but I had been around his nieces and GC nieces and nephew, I realised I was good with kids and wanted instead to do a childcare course so I signed up for that one. Now these two colleges are about 30 miles apart. If I live with GC, I live closer to town so I can get the bus and train to these places (the childcare college is close to town about a 20 minute walk from the centre and also means it’s easier to get to the train station to the counselling one as well) but it also would make it a lot more expensive and my dad wouldn’t be able to take me if i didn’t live with him… Also I feel he wouldn’t speak to me again if I did move out because of money.

But all of this sounds like I’m beginning to put my life together and I am a little bit. I didn’t think I’d see this day. But the thing is that the bipolar is mostly okay now and stable but the borderline is very obvious not the bipolar has gone and has very detrimental affects. Please read this to know more about the disorder. My abandonment issues vary from clinging to a person or pushing them away so I don’t get hurt (which is what I did with RH but trying not to do with GC). I am very self critical and insecure but luckily GC is just as insecure as I am.

I still take lithium and have regular appointments with my psychiatric nurse which I’m glad of because I very desperately need people to talk to. Recently, I have found and it might be related to the bpd that I can’t be on my own. I get very depressed if I don’t have someone to be around. Even if it’s a skype mic chat in my room or a phone call with someone. I need that because I can’t deal with myself and my thoughts. I spend just about every weekend now with GC and try and fill my week with my friends.

This week is half term so I didn’t have girls group and voice group. So I spent bank holiday Monday with Guy until about midday and then I went to see JS but that wasn’t as great as the other times because she brought her sister along so we couldn’t talk about personal stuff. I saw EC and her new house on Tuesday and slept over until Wednesday when I then had to get the bus back to the city and buy some stuff for people and today my brother and I went to the cinema and we saw Unfriended. Tomorrow I have my psych nurse and the doctor whom I am seeing about issues with my foot turning in. Saturday I am seeing my older brother which I kinda feel forced into doing because I missed seeing him last time because I was spending time with RH. So I missing my weekend with GC to see him and then seeing GC on the Sunday and possibly Monday too. Though seeing him on Monday could raise some issues as I need to be home in the mornings to take my brother to school so I can’t sleep over Sunday. I’m willing to spend all day with him but I need to help my brother with his anxiety so I’ll have to work that out.

Overall, when I’m good, I’m really good and when I’m feeling bad I’m really bad. Once I’m fully over RH, I think the emotional depression when alone will lift and be easier but for now it’s what I’m stuck with.

Improvements.

I can safely say lithium is helping. Unfortunately though it brings to light the fact a lot of other unhealthy facets such as the paranoia and dissociation are not going to be cured by the lithium. The lithium is still making my thyroid unwell and have yet to get that treated and you may be wondering why, after all this time, is no treatments being made? I had another blood test after the blog post and had to wait for the results of that for about two weeks because there was no copy sent to the doctor, only the psychiatrist and it wasn’t until we saw the community psychiatric nurse (CPN) that i actually got my results and lo and behold, my hypothyroidism is worse. But they wouldn’t treat it until the psychiatrist spent an extra two weeks looking at past blood tests trying to figure out why. I mean the why is great but at this point in time just treat the illness. But apparently I will have to go for endocrinology tests as well. So physically I have been worse than ever. I mean I have energy but I just am in pain a lot of the time with my joints, being cold etc. It’s awful.

The improvement in my mood coupled with the work with the groups I’m with, my confidence also boosted which is great but left me open to other issues. For example, increase in confidence means I’ve been more inclined to go out and contact people. I spent time with EH on Easter and we’ve got unofficial plans to go to London with our brothers and her parents. But it was actually that Sunday that caused problems. As EH’s dad drove into her drive, there were a group of people outside and one of the was RH who I wrote about several years ago who had a crush on my then best friend. Well we were friends then too and I messaged him saying: “saw you nerd B)” and that led to a discussion of when how etc and we agreed to make up and I could rewrite what happened but long story short we went to second base and it was weird because he liked my best friend and now here he is, kissing me. But afterwards I was over the moon but this relationship my confidence opened up had now caused this massive source of stress for me.

The reason being I’m incredibly insecure and have invented all the reasons why he doesn’t like me and why he’s better off with someone else and that comes from my personality problems. I am mistrustful and needy of attention and whilst this is like 95% personality problems, it’s annoying. I don’t think I will let this relationship last very long because it’s causing me to have a lot of emotional issues.

In other news, I have plans with friends, have been on quite a residential but have been having some problems with my psychiatrist. But I’m trying to focus on my recovery so let’s stay away from psychiatrist talk.

I think the thing no one prepares you for when you begin recovering is actually how to manage it. For example the last time I was functioning to a moderately healthy degree was when I was 14 and navigating the change in maturity in yourself when you are well is difficult. When I was depressed I didn’t want to do anything and now I’m better I want to have friends and see them and I feel like I’m trying to make up for 4 lost years in that amount of time. I think had I been forced to enter adulthood and living alone and working whilst still bipolar I would have eventually managed to find some balance between social stuff and other things but for now I have this gap. This 6 month gap between when I have to buckle down and get serious over school and deciding what I want to and what I want carried on and getting myself back into a position where I have a trajectory. Yeah I suffer cognitive difficulties and still other issues such as paranoia etc but I need something that’s mine again.

Nocturnal

I recently learned that I prefer emails and writing blogs to instant messaging. I never thought I’d say that. But I find that if you write an email or a blog then the conversation is really changed. In an email, at least the ones I write, the first paragraph of a reply is the reply to your first paragraph so there could be multiple topics in the email but they can all be answered to and with a blog, the comments are usually about the blog that has been written. I find that either I’ve lost my personality, my ability to make conversation or people have become just plain ignorant and so instant messaging is boring and the conversation is easily changed.

Which is kind of my problem. I’ve been (at least internally) begging for someone to talk to but honestly, it doesn’t seem like anyone cares. I tell a mentor on a chat website specifically there to help with mental health problems, she will change the subject to herself. I talk to my friend an “okay” is the best I can get. My dad either doesn’t listen so he can pretend it doesn’t exist or he just does not care but when I do my next stupid thing and let’s face it, I have a next stupid thing in my future. I bet you Every. Single. One. of them will say “Ohh why didn’t you say something?” – I tried. You just wouldn’t listen.

Anyway, so I did a grown up thing on Wednesday. A Christmas party. I haven’t had a Christmas party in years and they were usually last day of school and was just Christmas music and snacks – they were rockin’ times. But this was an adult Christmas party which even though at a pizza place was still a big thing for me. For the days beforehand I was honestly stressing, unfortunately when I get stressed I jump immediately to the ultimate exit clause – suicide. But I kept putting myself down, calling myself a coward and in a twisted way it worked. I didn’t do anything but suicidal idealization is pretty much my only coping mechanism at the moment.

The Christmas party went better than expected. The social interaction wasn’t so tough but it reminded me of when I was younger and I was quite literally the life of the party but I got through it and well, the eating in front of people was hard but mainly because IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) means that I can’t eat large meals and this was a full sized plate pizza so I used the skills I developed when I had an eating disorder to make it look like I had eaten more than I had… Turns out there can be a healthy-ish use to those skills.

For desert I was full but had one scoop of vanilla ice cream and when the leader asked what we had she called mine boring and I’ll explain my problem with that…

I then had to walk home whilst everyone else was picked up and it kind of annoyed me because when I was 17, I couldn’t walk home alone. Wasn’t allowed out in the dark basically. But now I’m 18, no concern. But it’s whatever.

Now my problem with the desert this is ???? I don’t actually know I was just so personally offended and it was a kinda drastic thing to get offended about and this isn’t the first time so recently I’ve been questioning my bipolar diagnosis. Whether it is bipolar or borderline personality disorder or both? There’s a massive overlap in symptoms though but just my recent problems with relationships kind of highlights the possibility of me having it and plus all the “dissociative” symptoms that keep getting tossed off as PTSD and yet when I google to find ONE sources backing it up even one lousy forum post – nothing. I thought about bringing it up with my psychiatrist but some days bipolar is a better fit. It is possible to have both but BPD’s main treatment option is therapy and I won’t do that so I guess in this case: what’s in the label?

Right now I haven’t slept and I really want to but I have plans with my brother since he has a half day of school (go to mcDonalds because we live the wild life) and no matter what time I go to bed or what time I get up, I still can’t go to sleep until about 11am now. Which is why I apologise for how this might sound because I am working on four hours sleep about 19hrs ago so I’m tired as hell.

Ending the hiatus.

I was planning to keep the hiatus up till the end of ‘mania’. But in this relaxed state I’m in and the fact that just a lot has happened, I need to write.

Mood ring describes me as: Purple meaning: This is a sense of purpose and genuine clarity. This person knows what she wants and is willing go to for it.

Which is probably relating to the fact my only purpose it to finish my homework and revise history.

Where to start?

So I’ve been thinking more about what the psychiatrist said. I can only conceed to borderline Personality disorder if there was another mental illness diagnosed with it because I haven’t got the key diagnostic symptoms of BPD.

Last night I talked a friend out of suicide. It was diffucult give my current manic state to not be completely self absorbed.

I’m off school today because my dad crashed the car. He’s fine. He just hurt his shoulder and his hand. He was wearing a seatbelt. It’s funny, because I was going to go with him because it is SKs birthday today and I hadn’t got her a present but we decided beforehand what to get and my dad said to stay in due to it’s cold and I still have a bad back. Before I go any further into it, I’d like to describe the accident. He was near the shop he was meant to go to and the road is poorly set out. There are two things you have to go round, not roundabouts. But they’re to slow traffic because there’s a doctors, a school and a church nearby. But they have posts on them, black ones. With no reflectors. Also as part of a scheme to save money different areas have street lights off and when my dad was about to take off this guy ran out in front and my dad watched him and because of the lack of visability of these posts and the fact he got distracted, he crashed the car. This was the old car. The one my sister bought is currently in for repairs. So that’s why we didn’t go to school. I wanted to go, I do. Being manic or even hypomanic and being stuck at home is the best and worst thing. Worse thing for me, best for people who want to learn. Plus, I am very far behind in history and I need to get an A on my exam and I’m not at this rate.

I usually on that road don’t wear my seatbelt because we’re about to stop and it I was with him, I would have gone forward and hit my head on the dashboard and would have to go to hospital. So maybe some things work out for the best.

My brother has a virus so he’s all ill. I have no sympathy when manic and its just completlyself centred. But since I am only hypomanic, I am slightly self centred. As for full mania, I don’t think I have experienced like I usually do. Just high periods of hypomania but it gave me the perfect mood to work in. But I haven’t done much. I have some RE homework to do, update my journal etc etc. Just a lot of boring stuff that I have the energy for. But obviously I’d love to be doing something more created.

I am about to go down I think, which sucks a bit because I love hypomania but maybe because it’s only been hypomania, I will experience it longer. But who knows… it’s predictability in unpredicitibility. I have just made an awesome new phrase today.

How are you lovely people today?

CAMHS… Yet again.

School was brilliant. There’s not much I can say, I just was having fun and it was good. Like it always is with mania and hypomania.

But, I get it… That’s not what you want to talk about. You want to talk about CAMHS. Instead of decribing a monologue of what happened which he didn’t do in chronological order anyway plus I haven’t the mind to deal with big blocks of text.

The waiting roomWe were in the waiting room for half an hour, we were 15mins early but he was 15mins late. I was antsy. Walking, pacing, rapid talking, singing, irritability. Manic behaviour but when the psychiatrist came in, that went down to high hypomania. We walked to the room. I was singing.

SleepThe first question he asked was about sleep and melatonin. Good place to start. I told him: 3 hours, nightmare. He said that melatonin is discontinued. Later on, near the end he said he was going to put me on Zopiclone 3.75mg. I had already been put on zopiclone and it didn’t make me sleep. The GP gave it to me and was unwilling to up the dose and the pdoc said that there’s no point taking it then and didn’t offer another solution. There are lots of sleep medications… Why didn’t he just give me another one?

Moods

He finally addressed moods! Fucking finally! Sorry, bad language I know. But I am glad. Even though he did it in a roundabout way. Okay, so one of the more memorable questions: “do you see things like a spade is a spade or do you see like extended flowery bits..” That is what he said. I got what he meant. Which is worse? Basically it’s like saying in a book “do you see the curtains as blue or are the curtains blue to the depression of the character?” I said that I sometimes see a spade as a spade but sometimes see the extended bits. Which is true of everyone. I told him that depression is 3 weeks and mania/hypomania is two. I thought were were finally going to get somewhere. I really did. The questions, so a bit weird, some expected. But then at the end when he was suming up, I realised he hasn’t listened to ANYTHING I said. Not a thing. He says that he believes that whilst bipolar is still a possible diagnosis, he is leaning towards Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I know someone with BPD, we are nothing a like. From the first time we met, he said that bipolar in ‘children’ is rare and I believe he’s now trying to fit in my symptoms with anything but. But he showed me some print outs and was supposed to give them to me but he forgot to give the BPD one. He also gave me one on antidepressants SSNRIs I think they’re called. But he’s going to “take it slow” so I won’t get any medication for a while. I get that, he doesn’t want to get it wrong. But by this time I was just irritated by the fact he didn’t listen. So my high hypomania went to low hypomania with anger and frustration from irritability. I’m not looking for a diagnosis of bipolar but c’mon, BPD is wrong. I looked it up. I have 3 different sites with 3 sets of symptoms.
Mayoclinic symptoms:

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
  • Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
  • Wide mood swings
  • Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
  • Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
  • Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
  • Suicidal behavior
  • Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
  • Fear of being alone
  • Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

Nami.org:

  • Marked mood swings with periods of intense depressed mood, irritability and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days (but not in the context of a full-blown episode of major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder).
  • Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger.
  • Impulsive behaviors that result in adverse outcomes and psychological distress, such as excessive spending, sexual encounters, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving or binge eating.
  • Recurring suicidal threats or non-suicidal self-injurious behavior, such as cutting or burning one’s self.
  • Unstable, intense personal relationships, sometimes alternating between “all good,” idealization, and “all bad,” devaluation.
  • Persistent uncertainty about self-image, long-term goals, friendships and values.
  • Chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness.
  • Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

Psychcentral:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.

So ones that come up a lot are: efforts to avoid abandonment – I don’t have that. I don’t feel misunderstood but I feel empty when depressed. Mood swings last a few hours to a few days NOT WEEKS! Unstable relationships, either hating or loving – no middle ground. I don’t love anyone and I don’t hate anyone, I nothing a lot of people. Self image problems, I don’t hate myself or anything associated with that.Okay so I do self harm, reckless when manic and do have paranoid thoughts and dissociative symptoms but not when stressed, they just happen. But temper comes in it a lot, constant anger and I’m not.
I just can’t accept the fact he has not been listening to me so much he thinks I have BPD. I know I’m not a psychiatrist, I know I don’t have the knowledge, but I KNOW me and I can read the symptoms that come up a lot. I know a lot of bipolar people are misdiagnosed as BPD and it takes them years to change said diagnosis and probably another psychiatrist. Now I just have to wait for the other psychiatrists opinion.
But nothing is definite yes.

But I am going to give CAMHS pdoc one last chance. If he doesn’t listen to me next time, then I can’t go back to CAMHS if I still am seeing him.

Functioning.

– Feel free to check the site listed, it’s good.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter whether you’re schizophrenic, depressed, any type of bipolar, PTSD, have borderline personality disorder or any type of mental illness. We all function with it differently. Some are high functioners. I think majority of the time I am a high functioner. But like this post says: “being high-functioning means no one believes I have it” and that is the case a lot of the time. I feel a lot of my teachers are divided. Some teachers will offer extra support and some will just give me judging looks. They think I deal with it well. I do, I suppose. I just don’t always deal with it well enough to be trusted in some situations. The fact is just because you act one way in from of some people doesn’t mean you act that way in front of others. If it is not always obvious, people will deny you have it. Bipolar isn’t the same as it is portrayed in things like 90210 (something I watched a long, long time ago), you are not obvious all the time. When you’re depressed you’re not throwing fits, you may only show it by being quiet and being socially withdrawn. Mixed can be the same sort of deal and whe you’re alone you freak out. Mania… Yeah, you can’t really hide that.

So is this fair? no! Of course not! It is completely unjustified and reinforces the idea that we should act crazy to prove we’re crazy. Not that we should prove it, we have enough to deal with. The problem I suppose is mental illness has become a fashion. In the past few years the number of teens who say they’re depressed to people but are just blatantly not, hinder people with real mental illnesses. I know it’s easy to say they didn’t have it. But they went on about it for several weeks and the it stopped. No treatment. No nothing.

So how should we cope with being disbelieved? We say “fuck ’em” and carry on being ourselves and if they don’t believe us then they don’t. I just hope the regret it when a person snaps.

Don’t feel bad if you are a low functioner, you are still amazing for still being alive and obviously continue that. Just rejoice. I hate being disbelieved as much as the next person but we can’t force anyone to do anything. People can deny anything if they try hard enough.

Hypochondriac? Probably.

So today was a moderately depressed day. I could fake smile, say all the right things. It is horrible but a relief that I’m not constantly nagged with the “you okay?” “what’s wrong?” don’t get me wrong, I do love the fact people care but not everyone asks because they care. Some people are just nosey and would like to feel, I don’t know, one up on you? I suppose is a good way to describe it. That’s why, the people who do know think I am no longer in a depressed period. They want me better. That’s what they want. So any behaviour which seems near normal they will latch onto. But what’s normal? Who actually woke up one day and said: “This is normal, this is not”. I’m trying to give people hope that I do have moments of happiness by acting happy. You know where that gets me? “You seem better today, you must be getting better”, “See, you’re not depressed you laughed” “You know, I hate you’re depressed period, glad your better” – I do this because it pains and annoys me to see people worrying over me unnecessarily but when I act a little happier everyone assumes I’m cured. I’m not moaning or saying “I don’t want to be better, I love the attention” but it drives me up the fucking wall when people see me slightly better one day and even worse the next and assume I fake it or bring it on makes me think, “What’ll prove it to you? Suicide?” I’m not just talking about my age group. Teachers. Doctors. Parent. Siblings. All down playing it because they can’t comphrend someone my age or their family being like this so they will say it’s cyclothymic because that’s less and it’s what they would be deemed managable in a teenager. Next week I’m going to act how I want and how I feel and not try and please everyone. Sorry. But you ruined it for yourselves.

So I suffer because you can’t handle it. That’s why I regret telling the school.

Anyway, JLS has been a lot nicer, I text her this morning asking if she has deodrant and she went home and bought some in for me. She buys me cookies after panic attacks. I mean there are the odd moments, but all in all she’s nicer and that makes my sitting next to her more pleasant.

Today (well for many many months) I lie about things I don’t need to. Not just when manic. Even when depressed. I make up lies that I have all these friends and that they do all this stuff. I don’t need to. Complusive liar? I read that complusive liars get this reflextive quality when they had to lie a lot as a child to keep them safe which is what I did. I know admitting this will come back to haunt me, but I said I was going to be honest and I’m trying to break this complusivity.

I also worry I am actually not bipolar like everyone says but BPD (borderline personality disorder). Symptoms are:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation).
  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
  8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

So this is copied and pasted from wikipedia. I don’t think I have 1, 2, 3 and part of 6 as my moods last weeks not days. I was worried at first that BPD was completely psychological but according to web MD “Problems with chemicals in the brain that help control moods may play a role. It also seems to run in families.” I mean I don’t think it is in my family but there is something wrong with my chemicals. Am I hypochondriac? Probably. But what am I meant to do? Maybe I have both BPD and bipolar, who knows. I just hate sitting here not knowing. I have a psychatrist appointment on Wednesday at 5pm (after school), yes I do finally have an appointment, not looking forward to me seeing the bill though as it’ll just make me feel guiltier. If anyone could shed light on my current situation, I’d be grateful. From what you’ve read. I know there has yet to be a mania post yet but honestly?

Maybe I’m just putting anything down to be associated with anything. Just desperate I suppose.