Improvements.

I can safely say lithium is helping. Unfortunately though it brings to light the fact a lot of other unhealthy facets such as the paranoia and dissociation are not going to be cured by the lithium. The lithium is still making my thyroid unwell and have yet to get that treated and you may be wondering why, after all this time, is no treatments being made? I had another blood test after the blog post and had to wait for the results of that for about two weeks because there was no copy sent to the doctor, only the psychiatrist and it wasn’t until we saw the community psychiatric nurse (CPN) that i actually got my results and lo and behold, my hypothyroidism is worse. But they wouldn’t treat it until the psychiatrist spent an extra two weeks looking at past blood tests trying to figure out why. I mean the why is great but at this point in time just treat the illness. But apparently I will have to go for endocrinology tests as well. So physically I have been worse than ever. I mean I have energy but I just am in pain a lot of the time with my joints, being cold etc. It’s awful.

The improvement in my mood coupled with the work with the groups I’m with, my confidence also boosted which is great but left me open to other issues. For example, increase in confidence means I’ve been more inclined to go out and contact people. I spent time with EH on Easter and we’ve got unofficial plans to go to London with our brothers and her parents. But it was actually that Sunday that caused problems. As EH’s dad drove into her drive, there were a group of people outside and one of the was RH who I wrote about several years ago who had a crush on my then best friend. Well we were friends then too and I messaged him saying: “saw you nerd B)” and that led to a discussion of when how etc and we agreed to make up and I could rewrite what happened but long story short we went to second base and it was weird because he liked my best friend and now here he is, kissing me. But afterwards I was over the moon but this relationship my confidence opened up had now caused this massive source of stress for me.

The reason being I’m incredibly insecure and have invented all the reasons why he doesn’t like me and why he’s better off with someone else and that comes from my personality problems. I am mistrustful and needy of attention and whilst this is like 95% personality problems, it’s annoying. I don’t think I will let this relationship last very long because it’s causing me to have a lot of emotional issues.

In other news, I have plans with friends, have been on quite a residential but have been having some problems with my psychiatrist. But I’m trying to focus on my recovery so let’s stay away from psychiatrist talk.

I think the thing no one prepares you for when you begin recovering is actually how to manage it. For example the last time I was functioning to a moderately healthy degree was when I was 14 and navigating the change in maturity in yourself when you are well is difficult. When I was depressed I didn’t want to do anything and now I’m better I want to have friends and see them and I feel like I’m trying to make up for 4 lost years in that amount of time. I think had I been forced to enter adulthood and living alone and working whilst still bipolar I would have eventually managed to find some balance between social stuff and other things but for now I have this gap. This 6 month gap between when I have to buckle down and get serious over school and deciding what I want to and what I want carried on and getting myself back into a position where I have a trajectory. Yeah I suffer cognitive difficulties and still other issues such as paranoia etc but I need something that’s mine again.

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Hope

I always feel like I’m looking for something that’ll make me feel less empty. I’ll listen to music and I’ll read books and I’ll spend hours hopelessly searching for other books and music and a TV shows to make me feel better and for short amounts of time it works. If it didn’t work at all I probably wouldn’t continue but things works for short amount of time. A Fall Out Boy song. A book with a character that relates to me. Same with TV. But I know, deep down, that what I’m looking for isn’t on amazon or itunes but it’s a friend. A real life, good friend. It sounds simple but it’s really not.

I’ve found that the people who get where I’m coming from also tend to be mentally ill themselves because I find it’s those people who, like myself, are the most lonely. But I don’t interact with many people like that. In fact I don’t interact with many people period. The people I do interact with, I am terrible at keeping up contact. Even more so now.

Which then, when you get into the state I am currently in, begs the question: do I deserve friends? I mean I care about everyone I talk to but I don’t keep up with them as best I could. But people deserve better.

I’ve been thinking about the mental hospital recently, I try to avoid thinking about it because I feel a lot of guilt for leaving. I know that had I had stayed I’d probably be a lot happier now and I would have made some sort of friends, I mean really it was my perfect setting. People who were just like me. Teenagers who self harmed and were depressed and listened to the same stuff I did and realised the use of trash day time television.

Every so often for short amounts of time, I lose hope over whether I will actually feel better and I don’t always mean conditionwise because even in my stable periods (as small and as fleeting as they are) I still feel empty and sad but what I realise during those moment is how important hope is. Hope comes and goes but without hope we would seriously give up and that would be one of the worst things to happen.

 

The 24 hour job

Sometimes I wanna quit this all and become an accountant now
But I’m no good at math and besides the dollar is down

I don’t think I mentioned my month long, unsuccessful job hunt. Well it briefly came to an end after finding a job ad for a printing firm on Facebook. I got asked for an interview and well… that’s when things began to go not so well.

So the people running it were a husband and wife and they seemed perfectly nice… just unsure of what the job was actually supposed to be or the pay but since they had told me the hours, I didn’t mind so much that they didn’t know the ins and outs of the job. It was either 9-2pm or 10-3pm which both worked perfectly for me. Anyway, so I had the interview on the Monday and when I hadn’t heard by Wednesday night I figured it was safe to assume I wouldn’t be working until Monday since they don’t do weekends because you can’t just call a new hire in 30 mins after they’re supposed to be there and making them work on a Friday didn’t make much sense… did it? Well, that’s what they did.

It doesn’t take me long to reset my sleep schedule but for the time being I was going sleep between 4-7am… Thursday I went to sleep around 6-7am meaning that I wouldn’t wake up until probably 11am and then not get out of bed for a few more hours but my dad and I had made plans to go to, I don’t know what you’d describe it as but maybe the best word is another county, that was 30 mins away from where we lived. We said we’d go at about midday, so I got up at 11:40am and because I know if I sit in front of my phone or computer I wouldn’t be changed in time because I’d keep convincing myself I’d have time so I changed and before I went to do my hair (this is all unnecessary detail) I decided to check my phone at 11:50-ish am and a text was on it.

It was sent at 10:39 am that morning asking me to come in ‘today and tomorrow’ (meaning Thurs and Friday) from 10-2pm apparently I was on a trial basis for a few days so maybe my hours could have increased. Anyway, so I went in and I was told what to do. This job was a printing distributor, they printed business cards and leaflets etc and my first job was cellotaping the card holders and well I cut up my thumb pretty bad on the rough edge of the cellotape holder because I was trying to do it as fast as the boss who had shown me.

My next job was typing in addresses on Parcel Force and lemme tell you, that job is actually pretty hard because most people’s addresses that they give to people aren’t what Parcel Force has. I have gained a lot of sympathy for them when people tell them about wrong addresses on their packages. I then had to print the address labels out.

I then had to fix up boxes which I couldn’t do so this guy helped me do it and then we packed the boxes and put the labels on them and I went back between that and writing addresses. I also had to make tea which I thought I sucked at making but they said it was nice (could have been a lie).

So the job was pretty much down. Anyway, it was getting up to 2pm and I was in the middle of a job and my dad was picking me up but I figured he wouldn’t mind waiting 15 minutes anyway when I’d done, the wife gave me more addresses to print of labels for. So at 2:30pm I asked when I ended and she said 4pm, I said “what?? no I was told 2pm” and she said “could you stay ’till 3pm” and I didn’t think I could say no. So I stayed but I was pissed off. Then she asked whether from now on I could work 10-4pm everyday which is basically a full time job (because it added up to 35hrs which according to google is full time) when I was originally told it was part time. There were two positions – 1 temporary work, one permanent part time… no idea which of the two I got there. Plus I had not been told about pay or made to sign any form of contract including no health and safety forms. Now considering when I was 15 parents had to sign a health and safety form so you could go to the cinema with the school, I thought that was a little scary especially since I was working with heavy boxes and big cutting tools.

So all Friday night I was stressing out about it, I mean how come they could just keep changing my hours and days (supposed to be 10-2pm Tues to Fri) with no warning without giving me a contract or telling me my wages or anything that would make the work legit. Now when I become stressed, I tend to simultaneously become anxious and depressed and that jumps to suicidal ideation and when you think about it for too long you begin think of actually doing it so I figured the best thing to do for both my mental and physical well being was to quit my job. Welcome to the 24 hours job.

I hadn’t signed any contract so all it took was a text and since I am an actual coward I took my sim card out my phone with no wish to ever read the response. I guess I will one day when there’s been no backlash but for now, sweet denial.

Being a month too late

It’s been 25 days since my last blog post and that is really unacceptable. I’m sorry. I’ve been meaning to write one for a while but things just kinda went on. So what’s been happening?

Well the lamotrigine seems to be managing my moods quite well, I find if I miss a dose though, I get hypomanic symptoms and so that may or may not be a bad thing. Here’s the thing, I could explain why I do actually miss bipolar sometimes but I feel this accurately summarises my feelings towards the subject: (x)

Now, having had no responsibilities, the idea of a short relapse sounds like an interesting thing, if for nothing more than to see how far this actually takes your moods if you were to stop taking it for a week. I feel like the theory might be better than the practical.

I know a lot of people are thinking that I’ve got rid of a crippling mental illness, I shouldn’t miss it, I should be happy but I think when you’ve had something dictating your whole life and having positive and negative aspects it’s hard not to miss it because it was a big part of your life and being out of it isn’t as comfortable as you’d hope it would be.

I am currently going doctors for having missed my periods for 3 months, since it is nothing hormonal and I am ovulating it is time for a scan. I have not had my scan get and should expect an appointment in the next 2 weeks. But as far as my current physical health in terms of periods,I am fine. Not really any cramping or pain so as a short term kinda gal, I don’t mind.

I recently applied to college for Level 2 IT BTEC and I GOT IN! Woop. I think I mentioned in a previous post how I was overqualified for the course but the interviewer who was also my tutor for level 2 said I should try for a level 3 but to be honest, I don’t want to. Level 3 is a 2 year course and I’m not ready to commit to IT that much when I have an interest in studying counselling.

The tests went well, in the beginning I went to the wrong place which is the most embarrassing thing EVER but I eventually got to the right place and the tests took about 1 1/2 -2 hours and F2 was the highest levels, I got most L1 – L2 in both literacy and numeracy but a few E2’s? The levels go: E1 E2 E3 F1 F2

You also had to fill in forms about your learning and there was a thing about dyslexia in it. I wanted to tick most of the ‘most of the time’ boxes but I knew that would indicate me having a learning disability that I didn’t actually have and I didn’t want that sort of help, I guess is the right word.

I also didn’t mention the whole ‘bipolar’ thing because again I don’t want the whole checking in on your mental health thing. I will probably regret this down the road but hey.

I also have to hand in a reference which I don’t mind doing but since education is the only place I can get a formal reference from I have to get it from my old college and whilst that is going to be the most embarrassing and anxiety inducing thing, I will do it. My problem is school is close for summer so I don’t know how I could get one until it re-opened. But I will have to figure this out.

Am I looking forward to going back to school? No.

More on the mental: so paranoia and anxiety have sort of become a problem. Paranoia I’m being watched. Paranoia all my friends and everyone I’ve interacted with hate me. This feeds into my anxiety. My social anxiety is at an all time high for a stable period. I’m not happy. My psychologist from therapy says it might be my body’s defence mechanism to protect me from going into stuff, if that’s true I don’t want to go into stuff. Especially when I am going back to school AND she is leaving in October and having 2 weeks off in July, basically she’s opening a can of worms and leaving. Why would I want that?

Decisions, Decisions and Major Fuck Ups.

Where to start?

*warning long blog post*

An apology. For being away so long. Between my appointment, illnesses (physical and mental) I have just not had the time.

From here, I will try to do things chronologically but I will mess up and back pedal to past times. My last post was about the second opinion. From there I have had time to reflect. He is still a massive *insert list of expletives and negative adjectives*  but I’ve gleaned some things.

So my first thing was is ADHD inattentive type (which I think is the same as ADD so I’m going to call it that) is probably an apt diagnosis. I’ve had symptoms when I was a kid but since it’s not a necessarily disruptive disorder for teachers, it tends to go under the radar. I could see myself having it is what I’m saying. I would agree with that diagnosis but I should get a definitive yes or no tomorrow.

As for the detachment disorder, I have healthy relationships – sort of. I can form them and I can keep them but I have an issue with putting people on a pedestal and then demonising them at slights – well what I perceive to be slights. I do it a lot and I do hate the fact I do it and I tell myself to stop. Think rationally. Are these real or imagined? It works for all of 5 seconds but then I am back to scrutinising every social interaction. They’re not necessarily the healthiest but I rarely push people away for it.

That is what I’ve gleaned.

I had a hypo/manic (meaning waived between the lines of mania) episode shortly after the appointment but luckily I have my trusty mood disorder app to keep me in check… well that is until I start writing updates about how I don’t think trees should just be green. Where are the purple trees?? As well as monitoring my paper airplane-into a cup game. Then the usual suspects come on: fast speech, fast thoughts, implusiveness, fidgeting + restless, lots of energy, high sex drive, feeling self important, excessive spending – you know the usuals from my past. But obviously the massive issue of sleep. Going 24-48 hours of no sleep and then sleeping two hours when I do. That little sleep turns happy mania into irritability and aggression for a short time before it finds it’s way back to the happy side of mania. So it’s not the greatest of times always. But I was glad to see that despite the medication increase these episodes were happening still. Few and far apart but they were still spicing up this endless tawdry of my life at the moment.

I also ended up piercing the helix on one ear, the mis-piercing on my ear and two more piercings. Self pierced of course. But again – no infections. I think I should stop due to my luck will probably run out but I like how they look.

 

I had a flashback so it went away for a little while but came back. What alarmed me about this is that I have never had a forceful flashback when even hypomanic. Never. But there I was. Hypomania came back for a short time but it wasn’t as strong and eventually just filtered out rather than going on it’s usual quick descending crash into depression.

I went into a more stable state. Rather than deep depression I was on a 3-4 range. Which tends to be where I sit right now.

When I saw Miss D, during the hypo/manic  and told her what the second-opinion-psychiatrist had said she immediately said that ‘undiagnosing’ me with PTSD was wrong and that I do indeed have it (like I said). Of course I swerved off topics now and again whilst talking about him but I always found my way back to ranting about how bad he was. Never am I ever seeing him again.

Anyway, after the hypomania, nothing much happened for a few days. It was kinda dull.

Father’s day happened, DVD and liquorice and my baking are the usual.

I read comics.

Then we get onto the interesting things. How is CBT going you ask? I say, meh. I don’t think it’s helping (at least not yet) with the deep seated emotional issues relating to the past but I think it is sort of helping with my current issues. I have to cancel this week’s appointment. But I will get onto that in a minute.

My dad had a health check. Everything was fine what they measured. He won’t get his blood test results back for another week (so two weeks in total) and he has to take his blood pressure for a week. This Friday he has to go for a ECG (EKG idk).

Which brings us to this recent set of issues. School was brought up. Now from previous posts you know how pissed off I get when I have to make quick decisions. No, I need to know my options at least 3 days in advance so I can research and think and sleep on it. I don’t like indulging impulsive choices because whilst my gut has a tendency to be right. It’s not always so sometimes it’s best to use logic.

Obviously the big question on everyone’s mind: To school or not to school? 

Now, I do have a complete aversion to going back. I don’t want to. I feel school has given me everything it’s got to give me (including a lower self esteem than I would have had I not gone to school) and I want to do something else.

As you may (or may not as it was a long time ago) I wanted to go to connexions. Now my dad said we would the week after Miss D told us about it but then loads of stuff with the car happened (it broke down) and he had to sort out a new one and it was a whole thing. Next week, he was busy or something. Then I forgot – i think by this point the lamotrigine was increased and my memory has since left me. So now we are back at this cross roads.

As much as I like keeping the apathy stance (and I do), I know I need to choose something. I’d be happy just to work in asda or something all my life but my dad and others don’t want me wasting this precious intelligence I have. Well, it’s my intelligence and I can use it how I like. I don’t need my intelligence verified. Hell I don’t even believe I’m that intelligence (which is what a charming commenter on a previous post implied. They implied “yeah you’re sort of intelligent but not that intelligent but you should still do something with it – hence why I told them to get off my blog, patronising prick). But they want me to do something.

The problem is any time this conversation comes up, two things happen: My dad jumps up and tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it any more and to leave the room and the other is that I will end up holding back tears.

The other problem is that my dad likes to jump to conclusions. Since I’m still technically registered with my college (which I’m not sure about, there is sort of a grey area there) he thought I couldn’t go to connexions; that I wasn’t eligible. I am btw.

So my two paths of decisions were: college or nothing (with enforced, obvious condemnation and disappointment) which then became college or connexions – but not connexions in “I want to see you’re willing to do something kind of way” it was a “yeah you’re going to pick something from connexions and you’re going to like it”.

My dad kept saying he’d prefer me to go back to college which after a few times makes me lose my temper and I say “fine I’ll go” and he’ll go on about how I’ll just be miserable and am doing it half heartedly. Miserable and half hearted or probably content (when not at college) – you can’t have both.

So we settle to make an appointment at connexions. I have literally no idea of the choices. Anyway, so we get recommended to prospectus (idk if that’s how you spell it) and my dad makes an appointment with the receptionist for JE (the name of the person I’m seeing). Anyway, about 3 minutes after the phone call my phone starts ringing. Now due to wanting to shape some sort of life I can be happy with I deleted any one I no longer wish to be in contact with numbers. So since this call had a number I thought maybe it was some one I deleted but since I didn’t recognise it I asked my dad and he didn’t know by this time the call had finished. One missed call. Mobile number.

Now since I’m on pay as you go now, I was not calling back. So instead I texted: “who is this?” fair question since they rang me. I then took off to typing their number in on the internet. First google, then you can see if it’s a spam call. Then facebook to see if it’s linked with any one. Then tumblr to see if anyone had posted their number. Nothing. All I found out was the mobile phone carrier which is not helpful at all.

To explain the reasoning for this next bit, requires some putting-yourself-in-my-shoes-esque energy. As you know, I live in constant fear my mother will in one day get in contact with me which is why I’ve taken to calling myself Raven on every site except facebook (psst I will now refer to myself as Raven on this site too, sorry for the hassle). So every call that I don’t know makes me worry it’s her. My anxiety and somewhat paranoia over that lessened a bit… well until I realised it was my 18th birthday soon and I will no longer be protected by a no contact child order.

It’s not just that. Checking through my blog I never mentioned the stalking I’ve been suffering in recent months. I’ll give you the jist. Met a guy. Seemed okay. Found out he was in prison for ABH. Didn’t want to be judgement so didn’t let it lessen my opinion of him, however stayed cautious. He expressed romantic intention. We led to an argument when I didn’t express the same and he threatened to kill himself. We made up. Later argued again over him being racist, he threatened to kill himself, stab himself (sent me a picture of himself with a knife against his stomach) and told me I’d made him punch through a wall. I realised I had to end this before it went too far. Blocked him on any social media I knew him on. He lived in the city, I live in the country so no chance of necessarily bumping into each other. He then start emailing me again and again. Even sent me pictures of when he fell of his bike and was all bruised up. Playing on the empathy I have for everyone. I told him to fuck off but he manage to claw his way back into my good books which I hated him for but I realised (later on) that it’s because I have internalised abuse so much I don’t expect anything more. But he did it again. I blocked him but he kept sending me emails (which at this point I didn’t know how to block) and messages and trying to talk to my friends via facebook.

I debated calling the police but never did.

Anyway, I told him I was going to and told him he’d go back to jail. Sort of a lie but it made him stop. For a few weeks at least. Then he sent me an entire, I think it was Shakespeare, play in an email, several times. I can’t remember the name of the play though so I don’t know if there was supposed to be some hidden meaning. I then found out how to block emails and haven’t heard from him since.

Which brings us back to the story. Now those three things put together creates a lot of anxiety and paranoid when some one I don’t know calls.

Half an hour passes and no reply. I tell them that if it’s a wrong number, I don’t mind just please tell me. Then instead of saying who it was, they just say “I’m looking for [Raven]” and well, if you can’t introduce yourself then it just creates and anxiety. So I ask again: “who is this?” I then begin to really break down and shake and almost am having a panic attack as I was thinking it was my stalker. To sum up what I said I called the texter a: “fucking creeper”, “a fucking stalker” and I said I was going to call the police.

Irrational but anxiety and paranoia are rarely rational. They then tell me they are JE from prospectus and well, self hatred and embarrassment and pretty much all the emotions you’d expect me to feel come into play. I profusely apologise and tell her she can call me and apologise again over the phone. Hence the ‘Major Fuck Ups’ in the title. I mean the one person who is actually going to be given me constructive ideas I call a fucking creeper. Either the universe hates me or I have an urge to self destruct myself… Probably a bit of both.

Along the lines of this though, I’ve been thinking about what I enjoy. I used to want to be working in the field of psychology but I realised that I would be worn out from empathy. Seriously, I would. I also don’t have the bed manners for any other sort of health and social care. So I began to think of ‘low grade’ jobs. You know, stocking shelves, mopping floors etc. Basically working in a shop since you get to work on your own most of the time and occasionally with others and there’s flexibility. That’s the main thing I want. Flexibility.

I then spent about 5 hours on my tumblr blog HTML and thought maybe something in computers since then there is even less social interaction and technically there’s room to work at home. But we’ll see what Friday brings.

Another thing I realise that whilst my bipolar moods are mostly close to a realm of stability, my ‘normal’ moods tend to react in overdrive to situations and stimulus. Get in a slightly upsetting argument. Suicidal, angry and self harming. That is the degree to which this gets.

On a final note: I got an email today from someone who works for the campain, I don’t know whether you’ve heard about it called “You’ve got this” which is basically giving hope to people with bipolar and for every video they donate $10 to To Write Love On Her Arms charity (think it’s a charity). The link they gave me was: www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/youve-got-this and they apparently found me from my ‘science blog bipolar brain’ post, which is cool. Apparently they work for the marketing team of healthline. So if you’re feeling particularly brave, outgoing and wanting to help bipolar people like yourself. I think this would be a good campaign to do. I’ve considered do it, but 17? Not going to have many pearls of wisdom… plus the whole avoiding stalkers thing. I don’t know. Do any of you think you could do it?

 

Dropping out

So for the past few weeks I’ve been faced with an impossible challenge and to paraphrase Shakespeare: “To drop out or not to drop out” – of school that is.

Now, my outreach worker Toni originally said that the best thing, she thought, for me was to leave school. I was torn. My dad didn’t want me dropping out unless I had something else to do. My consultant has never commented. But I was still torn. I asked JS and her opinion was I should stay so she isn’t alone, if the reason for her wanting me to stay was more focused on me, I wouldn’t mind but it wasn’t so did her opinion really count as anything for me? No, not really. So I asked the only person I know who has been in a similar situation due to her aspergers. She said I should do what would be best for my mental state. So I thought. I used to have a day off a week, a day turned into 3, 3 days turned into entire weeks off school I didn’t much see the point in still going when I’d missed a lot of lesson content.

My decision may have been spur of the moment. Maybe it was the panic attacks and the no sleep the night before I had to go to school. Maybe it was the fact I haven’t spoken to anyone in the mental health profession in months about my declining mental state because my dad was in the same room. Maybe it was even my wish to do nothing but watch tv shows all day. Any of those could have forced my hand to decide that dropping out of college (which would be the equivalent to high school in America) and I know that I regret the decision on and off because it doesn’t make a difference what I do anymore. I’m on 100mg of Lamotrigine and I seen no end to my depression, I can’t remember whether the consultant said it works better on depression or mania but I haven’t see a rise in the depression. I’ve had manic moments recently which lends credit to the fact I could be going into an area of mania but I don’t know if that’s true or not.

I’ve kind of given up on guessing.

My sleep schedule is kind of fucked up at the moment. I know it usually is but I’ve been falling asleep at 6am and waking up around 10am – 11am or sometimes saying up till 10am and sleeping till 2am. Not exactly the healthiest sleep schedule but not the most unhealthiest I’ve ever had, so I guess that’s something positive.

My plans for the next few months I hear you ask?
No idea.
No freaking clue.
Suggestions are welcome.

I’d say try and get better but aside from taking my medication and staying vaguely social, that’s not a lot I can do. I know I’ll get suggestions on what I can do to make myself better but I really am not in the mood for a pep talk from professionals who REALLY don’t seem to know what they’re doing.

I offer no excuse.

So my last blog was on the 16th February which is exactly two weeks ago. A lot has happened in the past two weeks.
Now firstly, I was supposed to go to my psychometric meeting BUT Dr EH was ill and cancelled and now we need a  new appointment. So I have to do that. The waiting of it all drives me nuts.

Then I went and saw Toni (I have literally forgotten the acroynm I used for her so just Toni)
Toni meeting #1

She started with the blood pressures and asking how my medication is (lamotrigine – not working at this present moment). Then she said about a free bus pass since I can’t drive now technically I’m not allowed to drive so I get the free bus pass and the only work I have to do is give a passport photo which we had some left over from getting my provisional drivers license which I don’t use for driving but for other forms of ID e.g. buying things 16 years and under can’t buy and eventually being 18 and needing my ID for alcohol and tattoos – I realise how bad that sounds. Anyway, that was kosher, I saw no problems relatively.
Then she says about PIP. Now for those of you who don’t live in England or for those who do live in England but have not come across is PIP – Personal Independent Payment. They’re the replacement for the disability benefit system and is a little wider to ‘hidden’ disabilities. Now, here’s the thing. Free money? Sounds great. But it’s not free, it’s from tax payers and if I had something to do with it that would help my disability I wouldn’t say no. But I would squander the money. I don’t need hired staff to take care of me, I don’t need to hire anything extraneous to accommodate me, unless you count art supplies and a sick bucket for when my pills make me vomit counts as something that disability allowance should rightly be spent on. It’s a matter of morals here. Toni said that if I get it it’ll help give me more independence, paying my own way in meals, going out, hanging with friends and all round will make me better. Now the meeting ended with Toni asking for nhs number or some social security number idk and a bunch of other numbers and forms .

I was seeing EH on Thursday and painted penguins which I will upload soon – the pics not the penguins. So the next appointment was a Friday. Two days after the last.

Toni appointment 2

Handed over the stuff for the bus pass – all settled as far as everyone is concerned and I should be given it… whenever, I guess.

The discussion about PIP started and I, over the phone had to give all the details and when they mentioned my old last name, my dad went ballistic but I told him I was finishing this call because I know about bad customers shouting through the lines even though they’re just reading a script. So we finished the process and I begin to talk to Toni about the school situation.

Toni has been talking to my head of sixth form about me taking time off from school and starting again in year 12. Basically repeating year 12. A lot of you may scoff. But there are mixed reviews. Depending on the child it is the best thing that ever happened or the worst thing. So I had the holidays to think about it. So I thought… and I thought…. and I thought… and then I thought… then I drank some cola…. and then I thought some and realising this didn’t help I asked around. The people who know me, love me and should know what I think is best for me or what they think is best for me at least.
Dad: he basically said I have two options he could support: staying on at college but potentially failing or leaving college but having something else instead of 4-6 months in bed, doing nothing.
– That limited my choice between two. So I go to the two people who I thought would know about this stuff, one (EH) having been though a non traditional way of education and the other (JLS) knowing the school system and what I can be like.
EH: Basically boiled down to it’s my choice and if I’m really unhappy at school, I should leave but she got my dad’s point of view.
JLS: You should stay what am I going to do without my best friend? *now back to her drama*

Emotion pleasantries aren’t helpful. But I realised that until people came up with solutions of what I would be doing instead of school, I’m stuck.  But on Friday, (the next week), things happen. A car rams the back of my dad’s car by accident. My neck is jolted and my dad gets some numbers he needs as it was a ‘smalll’ dent but a few hours later when the shock had worn off my neck was killing me. We see Dr C (my consultant) about meds and Toni is going to drive me to school (least that’s what we thought) so I can have a chat with Mr M (head of sixth form).
My consultancy boiled down to? Lamotrigine: 50mg.
New dose Lamotrigine: 75mg
And she said I would probably find my way to over 100mg of the stuff. And I laughed. It wasn’t meant to be funny. Another medication was added zoplidem (10mg), some of you may know it better as ambien.

My dad actually has to drive me to the meeting. He leaves and I piss about and talk to people and manage to get to reception just in time for Toni to walk in and want to sign the forms saying “yo i’m a visitor up in thiiss bitch” – yeah well attempt at humour. Not a very good bit. Anyway so we have a chat whilst we wait for Mr M and I ask what would I be doing if I didn’t go to school, what groups are there I could join? She said “well some people like going to the gym… um, can’t think of much else. I’ll have a think about it.” so now I am going into a meeting with not enough fact to support the only condition that means leaving school. So whilst in there I try and stay away from any definitive answers without saying “I had a week to think about it and I really don’t fucking know”. Now Toni was supposed to be FOR me leaving education, Mr M was obviously hesitant and said I could continue, give it a few more weeks and see how you feel, you can leave any time you want.
Um, nooo. I need to tell a bunch of people, I can’t just go. Like stand up in the middle of English class and say “adios bitches, I get a 6 month holiday”. But Toni had begun to side with him. My problem with that? I don’t know where my head is at. All I know is it was a bed and a laptop (and working wifi) and that is literally as definitive as I get. So because I don’t know where my head is at I don’t always know what’s the right course of action futurely. Presently, I need a good lie down and a sleep. In the future no idea what I want. She was supposed to speak for the looking forward side of me but she back peddled with Mr M because Mr M believes I want to go to university and when I said I didn’t he said “apply anyway.” Um. no. But that is an issue for a later debate. That meeting boiled down to carry on EXACTLY how you were before. . . Thanks.

Now she’s off for two weeks. I have to suffer at school for two weeks. I can’t ask her questions. For two weeks. A fornight. Two weeks.

When I first took a zoplidem, I was dizzy, blurred vision, a little high. It was brilliant so I couldn’t wait for the next hit. But it didn’t work, really and it didn’t make me sleep. It did make me act out a dream in bed but that’s it. Then next night, no sleep. So, I bring out ingredients book for a drugs cocktail (and make it dirty). I took 10mg of diazepam, 1000mg of co-codamol and 10mg of zoplidem. Admittedly, that was an allright sleep. Short but sweet. Until I feel asleep later on and had a horrific nightmare. Doesn’t make you sleep that well or that long and it doesn’t make you high. I give it a 6/10.

I also dyed my hair black, not a manic thing. Opposite of a manic thing. The depression was sick of the bright blonde in my hair and constantly having to hide my dark roots so black. Plus I feel it suits my costume for this convention I’m going to – MY FIRST ONE ACTUALLY. I’m dressing as a torchwood operative and really want my photo taken with Eve Myles and Kai Owens. It’s going to be awesome. But I have to get £20 together to get a picture taken together.

Now, here’s a question to my fellow bipolar bears…
have you ever induced mania? Started mania yourself? Purposefully took something or put your self in a situation that would cause mania?

Is there a dilemma here or is escaping the crushing feeling of depressed and the noose feeling of suicidal tendencies worth it? I mean I’m at the point where it’s been several weeks, I’m stressed out, I’m overworked, I’m so down in the hole I built myself I think there’s no way out.

Whilst out buying my hair dye, I see ProPlus – basically caffeine pills and I think to myself, what to do? I mean I could take one a day to stay awake in class OR I could take several and see if I can’t kick myself into high gear and get a manic or at least an hypomanic episode. I mean if my body has bad tolerance to medications this could work well, meaning side effects of medications that are trying to help me cause bad side effects. Caffeine, a pill that is in some case bad could trigger a manic episode and I could be free of depression for just a little while. I’ll see what I think tomorrow.

My computer hates me.

It broke down again. I mean it was my fault but I still maintain it leaped off my bed itself in a kamikaze mission for a rest. I dropped my computer with the charger in and it broke the pin off inside the bit where the charger plugs into the laptop. So into the computer shop it went and well, £120 later I have more problems than before. Yes it’s working but the idiots took the hard drive out WHEN THEY DIDN’T NEED TO and put it into an old crappy computer. My charger is now not recognised by my computer and I am currently stuck with this damn thing:

Screenshotand do you know what this means? It means it’s plugged in but not charging so my charger comes out slightly it is off. Straight away. My battery was crappy before but at least it held 5 minutes worth of charge. My computer is slower now and I swear it’s because they touched my hard drive. But the worst thing is that the charger is not even straight meaning the bar was not soldered on properly and for £120 you’d want it to be on properly. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway.

Moods have been up and down. Predominantly up, well… manic. But I’m down now and the trigger for this fucking depressive episode?! Therapy. EMD-fucking-R. I didn’t see her in 2 weeks, and before that I didn’t see her for 3 weeks and I find consistency works better for me. I mean I have got it now as I have an appointment every Friday from now on but I don’t really want to as it’s the most triggering thing in my life at the moment. We talk and she asks me the same questions every time and I think it’s because she doesn’t remember and I can’t handle much more of it. I know I agreed to Compassion Focused Therapy or whatever but it’s so detrimental to my mental health, I am really considering stopping.

My manic episode went the same way all manic episodes do. Everyone is glad for the first few days then as I stop sleeping and the grandiose attitude creeps in and the excessive amount of tasks are undertaken and money spent, tempers flare and of course I don’t understand why people are angry because I’m too euphoric and that leads to anger and that leads to arguments which due to my manic goldfish attention span, I walk out. I think a period of normality would have been nice because I don’t think I can handle depression.

This may be a good thing though. Why? Well my half siblings mum died a few days ago and I am going down to see them today (Sunday) and I don’t think me with a lot of energy is the best thing for mourning people. So in terms of that it is good but for me it’s awful.

I went town today though. I needed some skinny jeans and a new bath washy thingy so I went with JLS and RH who used to date so it was awkward. RH didn’t say much and said a lot of depressive comments which JLS told me was just his way to get attention, which is why I didn’t want to show too much compassion. I tried to show some over text when I got home but he ignored me. JLS forgot my psychology book even though I asked her to bring it and I wouldn’t mind but I have psychology homework that is supposed to be done inside that booklet for Monday, first lesson. This is honestly why I hate helping people. People let you down and you shouldn’t rely on anyone to do anything for you even though you do everything right for them.

I started carbamazepine at 100 mg and no mood effects though I’ve experienced a lot of pain in my legs ever since I started taking it. I haven’t looked up the side effects because I don’t care. It also makes me feel sick a lot so that sucks but it’s the prize you pay to be asked at every fluctuation in mood if you’ve taken your meds. I mean, have you? Today? Have you eaten? Have you had a shower? Have you done what others want you to do because whilst you feel fine if you don’t they’ll worry you’re off your meds? Because I have and I totally regret them. I know it was just a shower here or a biscuit there but seriously, how long are we going to let our behaviour be dictated by wanting to not seem mentally unwell so we don’t worry our families? I’m taking a stand right here. Right now. Who’s with me?

 

Burn out?

I have just finished my first week of school and I don’t know whether it’s just because I am getting back into a formal environment or the attempt to get back into the swing of things or the increase in intensity of subject matter or homework but I just have not been having a good week.

Due to the high levels of stress I was in a manic episode for most of last week and have come close several times to having panic attacks over homework and crowds and I have probably cried more over the past week than I did all summer so things are getting harder again.

You know that feeling where you know you’re going to burn out, it hasn’t quite happened but it’s close. You’re very emotionally sensitive – prone to outbursts of anger and periods of crying – I feel very much like frayed wire. The problem I find though is I can’t tell anyone because there will be ramifications as this is no longer forced education. My teachers could decide they don’t want an underachieving kid on their course and the psychiatrist could decide that I’d need to go back to the psychiatric place as they have a more specific teaching program and the medication is no longer having a full effect any more and I know the raining reaction is that it’s impossible for it to just stop working but I think the hormones and the stress is taking over and soon my body will just stop responding to the meds because I can feel it. Every day I feel slightly more on edge. I’ve been feeling more depressed. My manic episodes have been more higher. I’ve even being feeling suicidal when manic. It’s an awful turn of events but it makes me want to stop all functioning and stay in bed. I just feel so weak and powerless which is why, until I have even one rock bottom day I am going to keep my mouth shut. But I have another 29 days of school left and I have to go to every single one of them. If anyone EVER tries to tell you that bipolar recovery is a straight line with a positive correlation punch them in the face just to show them how they are wrong. What’s that old Shakespeare saying? Check yourself before you wreck yourself? Yes. That is the saying and one I think more people need to abide by it.

As for side effects, my hair is still coming out in chunks. If it wasn’t utterly gross I would have shown you what came out of my skull when I lightly combed hair that had already been combined an hour ago. My memory is bad, we did this test in psychology and to cut a long story short everyone scored at least above 25 in how many words they remembered, I remembered 16. So I’d say still not brilliantly. Concentration, well I’d say that my main source of frustration is that my concentration is awful. I manage about my first two lessons but then it’s me against a 200mph gail force wind after that, I’m forcing myself to keep going but I’m fighting a losing battle because ultimately I will lose my grip and fall and the wind will blow me away to the shore. Those are the Holy Trinity of side effects for me as it were. There isn’t anything else I necessarily attribute to sodium valproate that couldn’t just be caused by something else. Well… weight gain I suppose but aside from being a self esteem lower, it isn’t something I couldn’t fix with a little bit of effort.

Lessons, well the content is interesting sort of. The part of biology with cell measuring is boring but the dieases part is fun. Psychology is fun but demanding work load with three separate parts – attachment which is a part of developmental psychology; memory as apart of cognitive psychology and research methods as a part of… well research methods I guess. Law is split into civil and criminal and as much as it is interesting it is hard especially as my damn teachers gave out separate research projects. Then English language which has it’s good and bad days so that’s good.

Also, to add one final fact to this… this is as good as it will get. As the year progresses things like Enrichments will be added and driving lessons and getting a job *starts having another panic attack*

Seriously though, how do people with bipolar actually go onto live successful lives? And I ask this as sincerely and as sweetly as possible because there is no way in Hell I think I can even manage one more week let alone 2 more years. So seriously… how does anyone do it?

PS. It’s National Suicide Prevention Week.

The next two years

I walked into school with JLS after meeting her outside of school and it turns out she had pretty much forgotten the whole party thing so we were good. So we went into the already crowded sports hall where I had an almost-panic-attack but I held it back thinking I didn’t want to have a panic attack on my first day, I mean how embarrassing would that be?

They then went onto a speech about GCSEs which my brother is starting and to explain them again. GCSE stands for General Certificate of Secondary Education which basically means you’ve got through education and the grades depend what level of education D-G means you’re on level one and not really employable, C-A* is level 2 and more desired and required to do level 3 which would be A levels which is what I am doing now. But he said that our results met the school target of 80% of students getting a C or above in English and Maths (we got 81% – yay us…)

They also explained that how if we have good attendance, we get rewards like meal tickets and free wifi and how attendance is really our thing to keep up or they’ll throw us out since we weren’t in compulsory education any more but I disagree because we are given two choices “School or apprenticeships” and I couldn’t stand the idea of working.

Basically it was boring and welcoming but then they said “ok guys you are on a two day induction, go to your house (yes we have a pathetic house system like Harry Potter – except Harry Potter houses were cool and ours is not) and collect a timetable”. My first lesson (or fourth period) was free and after that was lunch so JLS and I walked to Sainsburys which is like supermarket in England but it’s more of the expensive kind but I don’t think it matters too much to them because in all seriousness when you are the nearest supermarket to three schools you are going to do well and that is just a fact.

But period 6 was ‘The Game’ which is basically where they explained that the education system is designed to create losers and how we recognise losers and how if our friends are losers we need to get out because loserness is contagious. Basically saying that from here on out it is a sink or swim situation but the teachers are pretty willing to help you out. Scaring the living daylights out of me was probably the best way to start back at school.

Period 7 was Student Voice and Extension Courses which is basically where they introduced this like council of people and said that they are our council and we can talk to them about issues in the school etc but the Extension Courses were the only thing worth going for. The idea is that everything is now competitive – job markets, universities etc so we need something to put us on top and so the school has made it compulsory to pick up something extra to write about on personal statements for UCAS next year. Anything from ceramics to DoE but that is going to take up some of free periods. Which at this point the day ended and I was glad of it.

The next day I didn’t know where to go so I wandered around until I found out from JLS that there is a form room sheet posted down the hall and that my form room had changed so I went upstairs and found out I didn’t even need to go there which is when I found SK who I think is upset with me but she won’t say anything as she is in all my sessions and we went into a talk about University from a guy from our local university and he showed us courses we might like and basically to sum up the only useful talk of this day: we have to think of what university we want to go to and then pick 2-4 others, we have to work hard and get A levels and we have to not burn out in the process – I’m sorry wait that was my exact thought in this session.

Then we had writing skills which was teaching us how to take notes but I didn’t very much like the person holding the session as he picked on me and only me even though throughout the whole session he only picked people with their hands up. People like that are the worst sort of people. Either pick on people all through the lesson or pick on people with their hands up. Do not change. It is not funny to humiliate people. Then to the library for a survey on studying which I know for a fact everyone lied on. Then a house session teaching us that aside from everything else that we have to take part in after school house sessions picking from a range of activities from basketball to bake offs.

To sum up: I’m screwed.

Three Weeks Without EMDR

Today was my first appointment of EMDR after 3 weeks of nothing and I remember just why I hate it. It’s like looking through rose tinted goggles for three weeks and then going back and remembering why you hate doing something so much.

Basically it boils down to my dose will probably be upped again next week or another medication will be added.

I have trust issues with everyone which when I told my dad, he decided that this wasn’t about me but about him and the family. Thanks for that by the way, pa.

Part of the reason I’m still depressed is I’m conditioned that way. Which means when I’m in the depressed phase, I make myself more depressed by focusing on negativity rather than the positivity.

I should do exercise apparently. My choice: self defence. Her answer: tai chi stuff. My thought: boxing or some form of core work that means when I punch someone in the face it actually hurts.

I also have to actually start EMDR on the worst memory if I want to get better. nopenopenope.

Apparently also no should not be apart of my vocabulary and mindfulness is again the thing I need to look up.

I should also go to JLS’ birthday. I still haven’t decided.

I’m just wanting pills, that solution is always favoured for me.

That’s pretty much all I can think of right now.

Family and the heat

It depends what sort of abode you live in to how grateful you are for the heat. I am not very grateful at all. It is too hot and too sunny which is why – what with me being a vampire an’ all – I like to hide out in my room but then my room becomes too hot so I go out of my room and find fans. But now I have a fan in my room so I don’t have to leave, at least I hope I don’t but my laptop gets soo hot.

I saw my family today, whenever I see my family I want to wear this shirt:
tumblr_mpbza4i7HD1rxvkrmo1_500Well usually. But when it is just my brothers, it is not so bad. One of my brother’s didn’t notice I had dyed my hair even though I had been at his house, spoke to him and he had looked at me for four hours. I spent most of the time though lying on the sofa which had been turned into a makeshift bed watching TV since I couldn’t get the wifi to work.

My brother is also finally on holiday and I have been off for three weeks already and I haven’t really done anything. I at least want to catch up on my reading or watching series’ of things.

Moodwise, mania is somewhat controlled. I’ve had reasonable up phases especially at the beginning. The depression is better than it was with the bipolar but the PTSD seems to be taking over a reasonable bit with nightmares, derealization or depersonaliation and I think the memory problems are related to the PTSD rather than the medications. Though the tremors are probably definitely by the medication so that also wouldn’t help the depressive side of things. But overall things seem okay at the moment. I don’t know if things will get worse when I go back to school and get the stress of things again but for now it’s closer to okay then it has been in a while. Everything I suffer now seems more psychological than physical.

Quick update

So anxiety affects blood pressure who knew? According to the blood pressure monitor my blood pressure is in fact 95/56 which is ‘very low’ for an adult/teenager. According to: http://www.vaughns-1-pagers.com/medicine/blood-pressure.htm My pulse was 88 bpm (beats per minute).
My brother whom is 13 and in great shape has blood pressure of 107/84 with a pulse of 86bpm. Which according to the same site is low normal to normal which I suppose is ideal for someone his age.
My dad has 140/86 with a pulse of 69bpm which is high normal but seeing as his rate has been continually been 140 over something.

It’s important to not over react about this. I’m perfectly fine and we’ll know if I start feeling dizzy all the time then I need immediate medical attention. Plus we’re going to check my blood pressure every few days. The explanation for my decrease from earlier is I was anxious about being at the pdocs because I don’t like it there and people with anxiety disorders are more likely to have dramatic changes in blood pressure numbers. Which is why anxiety disorder people will never give a perfectly clear reading in medical settings. Other interesting thing is that considering I have the lowest blood pressure, I have the highest pulse out of my family.

Recovery and Headaches

I’ll admit it. I argued at some point during the week with my dad because I wanted to stop treatment. I mean at first it was just this gut instinct. But I thought about it and I realised my problems with the whole thing. Firstly, I had nightmares and they were driving me crazy because it caused dissociation once I woke up, a lasting feeling of panic and yada yada yada but I am seriously worried that one day my heart won’t be able to take the panic and be too overworked and I don’t exactly eat healthly and quit working, I dno. I feel it needs a holiday since it’s been beating fast (or hard idk) so it needs a break but it’s not like your kidney. Can’t exactly take it out and go “ok hart u stay der 4 a bit & rst” but you can with a kidney – keep that in mind. Secondly, the idea of recovery freaked me out. I know logically everyone thinks I should be psyked at the idea but it’s a frightening thing. This medication isn’t working, I want to stress that but it’s at 400mg and as of yet no real side effects except that I’m losing a tad more hair than usual but it’s only a tad. I feel as though if I was coached a little, it wouldn’t be so scary. I mean ruining your life and STAYING mentally ill is one thing but entering recovery but having your life remain in the ruins you left it in is so scary because YOU will have to rebuild it yourself, all the relationships you ruined, the schedules you broke, the exams you failed, the things you quit, the cleaning to get that depression smell out of your room and just renewing everything is so scary. I know how hard that will be and for a few days staying mentally unwell seemed easier than that.

I talked to people about it and whilst I didn’t explain myself as concisely as that, I got several different immediate reactions:
“WHY?”
“YOU JUST WANT TO WALLOW”
“THAT’S STUPID.”
… or ignoring me.

etc.

btw, that is not how you correctly approach someone who says that. You ask why in a calm manner. Press them for a reason and then talk through it with them because I swear to God if I get the cliche “i’m there for you” and you never actually help me when you know I need it or I have asked for it then I am going to kill someone because it drives me crazy.

But for the record, I talked to a friend about it and she said that I didn’t have to rebuild anything and I can just start from scratch if I want to and I can always stop the medication if I don’t like it but let’s just find a medication that works for future reference.

So since my dose was upped,. a few side effects:

  1. Headaches
  2. Mild stomach aches
  3. A tad more than usual of hair loss
  4. Sleepiness
  5. Eye floaters and just a lit bit of eye issues.

Current mood: depressed.

My dad says that I am being nicer, I am being nicer because I am not as stressed out because I get to hang in bed. Not because my depression is lifting. I don’t leave the bed unless I need the toliet. I have not left the house, well since Tuesday but that’s because I had EMDR. I haven’t got EMDR next week because I was supposed to see my pdoc but I’m seeing him the week after for a review so it seems like a waste of time and I could have had an EMDR appointment but I have not got the energy or the drive and I don’t care about it. I find I have to lie a lot in EMDR because it doesn’t actually help but then I feel bad for the Miss D because it’s like she’s just wasting her time. I just feel like I want to become the girl from the book ‘Speak’ and stop speaking – I know condradiction, right? But you should read it. It makes sense then.

I also ran out of medication last night so I took the one from the packet last night, but then find out there were two on the bread board but by the time my dad was giving me them at midday they were essentially smush (no other word, i’m sorry) and have you ever tried even slightly dissolved sodium valproate? Bitter as hell. So I missed half of last night’s dose, this mornings dose. But my chemist gave 5 days supply since he remembered giving them to my dad because they’re like friend or w/e. But my dad has to drop the prescription off. Gotta remember that if I ever get industrial strength painkillers… kidding. Sorta.

Can I just apologise if there are any spelling errors or mistakes because I’ve been very out of it attentionwise so I’ve been making a lot of them.

Upping the dose

WordPresses layout has changed her?

i like it.

It’s more modern-ish and faster which is cool. That’s a pick me up.

Call from the pdocman today and it basically boils down to doubling the dose. So 200mg in the morning of Sodium Valproate and 200mg in the evening/night. Let’s see if that can effect my mood, I’ve been feeling really depressed so it’d be nice to break out of that depression plus I have EMDR tomorrow, so there’s that which I am also not looking forward to because I don’t feel in the mood. I might just say I’m not in the mood for it because I really haven’t got the energy or the mood to do it.

Holidays are a great time to be manic but if you’re not and you’re depressed then becoming reclusive is so easy and such a wonderful thing. Of course right now, I love the reclusive life and then mania or hypomania rolls around and thinks it can just pick up where it left off with everyone. But people don’t forget. People can get mad when you ignore them and even madder when they don’t even get an apology. Should you apologise? Of course but I can’t tell you the amount of times I have tried to talk to people whilst in the up phase and have it turn into a massive arguement about how they are a massive buzzkill.

My niece text me last night. She’s a few months younger than my brother and we don’t have much in common so we don’t tend to talk so it was odd for her to text me with an mms which was weird and then asked me if I as in college this morning. Also weird. We don’t really talk.

But EMDR tomorrow so that’s something.

With the family.

My day didn’t get off to the best start. I began to dissociate and flashback in the car for about an hour but it was a two hour car drive so it started to fade out. Funnily enough though, it didn’t stop the manic episode from happening almost immediately and becoming very addicted to temple run 2 on my brother, TB iPad. I got scarily addicted and crazy about it. We were supposed to meet a 1pm but my sister texted saying she wasn’t going to get there till 2pm. TB needed to get dressed and ready which would take him half an hour because he is in a wheel chair, so he probably wouldn’t be there till 1:45-2pm. No one knew whether AdB was actually going to come and SB and his boyfriend run the pub so they would be there whenever we got there. But it’s like the last hurrah before the pub was sold. So we got there and we AdB walking down the road, so I yelled his name several times but he didn’t hear me. It being a particularly warm day we sat outside, AdB had gone down the shops, SB was working inside but his boyfriend (with the same first name as him by the way) was outside with us and so was my dad. TB has bought his iPad so AnB (my youngest brother) and I kept taking it in turns to play but eventually I won control over the iPad.

My sister arrived at 2:15pm roughly in the Aston Martin DB7 which all the boys ran to look at. I sat there on temple run. I wasn’t getting up. I was engrossed. The family decided not to eat at my brother’s pub but rather to go to a different one and I walked along, clutching the iPad threatening to rip the arm off anyone who tried to take it away from me. We got to this pub; I forget what it’s called but they had ‘Mooshakes’ – I know. It had whipped cream on it and because I was playing temple run 2, my brother drank some but then so did I but it was quite sickly so AnB drank the rest. I thought we were eating there but due to flies and the fact my brother couldn’t pull his wheel chair up to the table they decided we had to go eat somewhere else. But not before they finished their drinks. This is where I started to drop. First it manifested as anger and I walked off in a huff because I was hot and “they are taking the piss” because they said they wanted to leave and go eat somewhere else but they wanted to finish their drinks and I was hot and unsettled.

We eventually did leave but Dad, EB (sister) and SB all trailed behind as AnB, AdB, TB and I got to the pub place, admittedly it was a lot nicer. I was depressed, that didn’t help. I didn’t want to eat. I was geniunely not hungry and I was told off for that and was told that it was psychological, it was probably prozacological but apparently I’ve lost weight so there is an upside to everything. I’ll probably gain it all back once depression hits again and I hit the carbs. I also was asked about how often I went to school and when I went to bed, like DUDES. Why? You don’t even know about the fact I have bipolar disorder. Though luckily my dad answered the questions. I was then picked on for my hair despite being called ‘artsy’ by my sister earlier in the day. I didn’t get the blackberry but should get it in a week or two. I left feeling utterly depressed and bad because I was kinda disengaged and harsh by the end of the day. On the bright side I got £20 which I will probably spend on getting my hair professionally dyed red. Or manic spending. One of the two.

Blog for Mental Health 2013

Mental health awareness, an issue near and dear to my heart, is being put in the spotlight with the “Blog for Mental Health 2013″ theme, being passed from blog to blog at this time.  Rose recommended my blog to pledge this year.

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

I’ve had mental health issues for years and at age 10 suffered from depression, anorexia and several impluse and anxiety disorders. I would say I am in recovery of my eating disorder but have found that if I am away from home, in a stressful environment I tend to fall back into eating disorder habits. Anxiety disorder developed into panic attacks at age 14 but continued for only a month and somehow faded out on their own.

At age 15, I developed insonmnia due to nightmares at the same time as I developed mood swings. I am still suffering with this since the insomnia seems resistant to medication based treatment and the nightmares continue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and currently am being assessed for bipolar disorder but have problems with my psychiatrist which means I am not being treated for this properly.

This pledge is my opportunity to commit to mental health awareness. I can publicly display this badge to instantly tell my audience what this is all about. I encourage others within the mental health community to do the same.

This is not an award, but merely a mention of bloggers who I believe are true to intimately blogging about the struggles they have with mental health.  I would like to invite five others to pledge to Blog for Mental Health 2013:

Bipolar on Fire

Living With BPD

bipolar2dad

laurennjade

knitting whilst manic

A special shout-out also to Canvas of the Minds for the coordination of this event!

Now, let’s get blogging!

blogformentalhealth20131

 

My Psychiatrist Letter

It’s maddening. Prepare for a rant.

Page One:

Name, address, yadayadyayada. It’s from November to April of this year, like a summary type thing.

Diagnosis/Progress Summary: Paris Presented with 15 months history of severe sleep problems (initating and maintaining difficulties), mood swings, anxiety and panics particularly when in a crowded environment. She also has a difficulty in controlling her anger and this has affected her attendence at school. Paris has suffered from anxiety since 10 years old. Paris has difficulty in maintaining friendships.”

Okay. So let’s tackle this first. Meh, 15 months give or take. I’m not going to throw a hissy fit about that because they is when this particular bit of insomnia started. Yes mood swings. Yes to anxiety and it should be panic attacks. I don’t really think ‘panics’ is a suitable word but whatever. Now, hm. “difficulty in controlling her anger” – um. wut. I have such control over my anger Mr pdocman you don’t even know. If I didn’t I would have punched you in the fucking face ages ago! Also, it’s not the anger stopping me from going school. So CAN U NOT! It’s the depression, usually. The mania sometimes. My anger has never made me not go to school, okay. So I don’t know where the fuck he got that from? I have one little temper tantrum because it took a week to see someone about me OD’ing and you think that means I have anger problems. Jeezz, you won’t diagnose bipolar but you’ll slap me with an anger problem. Cheers. Anxiety from age 10. What? I mean I probably was anxious but no one told me when I was 10, I had anxiety problems. I swear to God! If someone does not tell me what the hell is going on I… I… am going to do nothing but passive aggressively rant because I don’t have anger problems. The whole friendship thing, what teenage girl doesn’t? So, yeah. Whatever again.

Then it is a section of Recommended Medication and it’s basically a list of failed medication except no mention of the risperidone failing and this was written on the 26/4/13 and I’m pretty sure I was off it by then.

Plan:

“I have continued to see Paris in my clinic in order to assess her mood and with the recent overdose I have discussed the option of in-patient admission for further assessment of mood and risk”

And I took you up on your offer of in-patient and I HAD ALREADY LEFT BY THE TIME YOU WROTE THIS LETTER SO… ugh!

Risk assessment (I really loved this):

Paris has a long history of anxiety, low self esteem and difficulty in controlling her temper and mood swings. Paris is a sensitive person who takes things personally. Paris has talked about wanting to die, but concern for her family has prevented attempted suicide. However Paris admitted to taking diazepam tablets on 17th March 2013 and the triggers of which are unclear. Further assessment in an inpatient unit would help us in further management”

Dude… Dude… Dude.. this is the last time I will say this. I went to a fucking impatient unit and YOU. WERE. USELESS. Okay, temper thing is back. Is my temper that bad? Like I know I rant a lot and moan and swear and present anger but a lot of that is passive agressive and sarcastic so is it just me? Is my temper so terrible?

You see… I don’t know what to say about the whole “takes things personally” thing because I AM writing a blog about what I have got pissed off about in his letter. I am offended by the comment but can’t I really take it up that far considering this blog? Also. I am not sensitive. So. Shush.

Then just a crisis plan saying contact people. Um, no. I will go to friends and family not useless paid people.

Second Page: GP to Note.

First paragrah is an apology for writing late and the list of appointment dates which by April was one with a triage nurse and 5 in the space of 6 months.

Then some bullshit about sleeping and the fact I said I went to bed at 10pm to 11pm which is a lie because I told him between 1pm and 1am anyway. He basically got the waking times wrong and the times I went to bed wrong but hes going all the way back to like January 2012 so no wonder it’s wrong.

Then the next paragraph is about anxiety and mood swings. First thing to annoy me: “difficulty getting into crowded environments” – yes, me and the rest of the world. I’m not a big pusher. No, not a big fan of pushing people so I tend not to push people so yes I have difficulty getting into crowded environments but I hardly see how this is relevant.

He put “manic phase” in inverted sarcastic speech marks like that. I USE MANIC PHASE BECAUSE THE GP AND THE OTHER PSYCHIATRIST USED MANIC PHASE so don’t make out to be a fucking idiot for using it. Insulting.  My low mood in April was last 4-5 weeks not 3 weeks, so well done for not listening. He also wrote how I hear voices but apparently “did not elaborate much on it” – ok. Lemme explain me. If you ask me a question about it, I will answer but I am not going to sit in a room guessing what you want to know. I’m not a mind reader. If you asked any questions I would answer but you didn’t so I figured you didn’t find it important. I dno, hallucinating is still all very new to me. I don’t know what you, you idiot, wanted to know.

Paris has good appetite and concentration” – what? Are we in the same meeting? Because I don’t think we are too be honest. My appetite goes to near normal to not eating and my concentration is rarely ever good. I try and use the best of it in those meeting because I have been under the misguided notion that you, you twonk might be able to help me.

she did not describe worthlessness or hopelessness” – I SWEAR WE ARE NOT IN THE SAME MEETINGS OMFG. So many times have I expressed hopelessness. I even quit treatment for a time, I was so hopeless. Also, I’m not going to describe how worthless I feel because I’m not going to trigger myself. I am one of those people who have the lowest self esteem and feel worthless but act elistist.

They also called my mother by my dad’s surname – I told him they never married. *sing songy voice* yoooouuu neeever listennn. Also “From the description it seems that Mrs [name redacted] suffered from depression and anxiety.”

I also said mood swings, so someone explain why that is not in there. I also don’t know whY THAT IS EVEN RELEVANT! But whatever, I’m sure you have your reasons but you again are wrong.

On mental state examination Paris came across as an average built teenager who was dressed in casuals and offered variable eye contact. At times she would stare, but appeared mature for her age. She tends to talk in a loud volume. I have not witnessed any low or high mood. Her affect is reduced.”

Is average built offensive? Because I feel offended but, okay. Let that slide. What has my clothes got to do with it? I’ll come in a fucking suit next time. You know if I had the energy I would come in a suit to the next appointment and whisper just to be a sarcastic little asshole. I talk in a loud volume because I spent from ages like 6-13 partially deaf in one ear and my dad has hearing difficulties. So yes, I shout because that is what I trained myself to do. I am sorry if that annoys you, tell me and I will lower my voice. I am aware I have a tendency to do that but that is not a mood thing. That has always been someone couldn’t hear properly. Offered variable eye contact. I would look at you when you wrote because I wanted to know what you were writing, hence the staring. But thanks for making me look creepy. You have witnessed low mood so many times. I look down, avoid eye contact, only speak when spoken too and I spent the highish mood organising your toy box and YOU got pissed off at me. ARE WE EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM?! What the hell does affect is reduced mean?

In the next paragraph it’s pretty much okay, he talks about “chronic sleep deprivation” – finally something we agree on. I disagree with the diazepam having “no benefical effect” because it did calm down panic attacks but with sleep I agree. I think clarification is needed on the Sertraline making the “mood swings worse” but whatever, it sped the up so that is in a way making it worse. “I also discussed the option of a referral to the PIER team to seek a second opinion” – never did you discuss it with me. Never did I know it was a second opinion. You liar. “Paris believed she was suffering from bipolar affective disorder” – not believe as that implies I just self diagnosed. I was told by a GP AND a private psychiatrist that is was bipolar and granted they didn’t give me a type so in my mind it is Bipolar Disorder NOS because well, a private psychiatrist has said it and I still take his word over yours because as I have stated repeatedly, YOU DON’T LISTEN.

Now this isn’t wrong ( well a bit is), it’s just sort of funny. “Paris was very angry as she wasn’t taken seriously even after seeing her GP 3 times in a week. She refused to discuss anything about the overdose or her feelings. She was very angry and at one point even kicked the table and declared wanting to opt out of treatment” 

Oh Lordy Lou! I kicked a table! Now that is obviously the work of some anger issued individual, well oh mai. Send me away. You’ve never asked about my feelings since so I don’t know why you write this, you obviously don’t care a great deal. The wrong this is that I saw two different GPs only once. I saw one on the Monday and one of the Thursday. Well I came back, so get over it Mr pdocman.

It ends with some other bullshit but meh, it’s neutral.

Now I am continuing with PIER, I felt heard. Respected. I felt I was given a fair choice, a fair explananation about the EMDR and just heard, you know? I feel like I got a bad bit of luck having Dr pdocman. I know I’m going to do the most ironic thing and get angry about it or be passive agressive and ask him whether there is a brick wall on staff I could talk to because I feel like I’d get more from it than talking to him and then chuck my highlighted copy of the letter where I highlighted everything wrong – I wasn’t allowed to highlight the whole thing.

My days

I was sick on Thursday, like throwing up sick. I had a panic attack that morning and then an hour later I was throwing up. I have put it down to three things: high prolactin level, anxiety or coeliac disease which after a long battle with I am getting tested for it sometime this year. I am not looking forward to it but I will, probably a home test and then get it confirmed if it comes out positive. Usually I’m very curious and want to know everything but I like cake so risks versus the prize. I. Like. Cake. That’s it 🙂

Today, the flashbacks sensations and replays in my head, all day! I don’t know what triggered that but they were on and off, all day and it winds me up so much that this happens. I can never catch a break and no one cares when I tell them. I mean I used to think it was my own fault I got no sympathy or help as I never asked or told anyone anything but now I see, it was the smartest thing I could have fucking done because NO. ONE. CARES. The sooner you realise that, the sooner you’ll accept that all you have is yourself and your books and whatever else makes you feel better but it has to be inaminate objects but you will rarely find a person who truly cares and if you do, you won’t even be on the same time zone so it makes talking difficult because you have to pause because you’re at school and then they have to because they’re at school and sleeping is different and one of you may have insomnia, the other doesn’t and that has to be taken into account and by the end of it, you can never have a conversation.

So what do I do? Do I accept bipolar disorder and PTSD as my life and just slowly withdraw from a social life at least? Because the greatest things that have happened to me this past year have happened with you, my followers. With the people I meet online, opening me up to new experiences. Books which I can help give information on and my opinion and actually have it listened to. People who will listen. People who care. As much as this sounds pathetic and cliche for a teenager to say. No one I see in real life does care and I want to scream at that fact because they act like they do but everyone just has gotten bored. But I still have the stigma. I mean you really should have been in my sociology class. We were talking about crime and deviance and my teacher asked if there was any non sociological arguments for why people commit crime and psychological problems came up. NOW! I agree, kleptomania being the biggest one and thank fuck that was the first one said but people said schizophrenia. Now, I don’t have schizophrenia, I know people who do and from the bit of research I’ve done schizophrenia does not cause a person to shoplift. If they have kleptomania or are schizoaffective and have manic episodes, shoplifting maybe. But that is how ignornant people are and the little education about mental illness and don’t fucking preach to me equality when you advocate mental illness discrimination by not only pointing out by posters that bipolar people are more likely to go on drugs but by fueling the stereotype. Also, why bipolar posters? Statisitics suggest more students are likely to be depressed so that’d be more general. Or what about how teens are likely to try it so one directed at teens. Since we all are teens in this school. So get your act together.

Off to the hospital.

I don’t have time to be witty though I may unintentionally be, for which…. is amazing.

Okay… change of tune. You don’t even want to hear what’s going on.

So I went to the doctors and they actually have the results of my blood test is actually back! Why 7-10 days, doesn’t make sense. But yes, it’s back. Everything is fine except my stress level is too high. Like the stress hormone.

But I told him the truth. That I was suicidal, crying, told him how hard it was. He recommended going to the hospital and even said he was going to call the CAMHS people so someone can go to A&E and assess me and it is likely I will be kept in.He also recommended thatt iron was much more likely to kill me than diazepam – so I’ll remember that next time.

Had some shisha to calm down afterwards. Expecting to go in…

You sensing the twist?

My dad calls to give the doctor the number for my psychiatrists direct secretary and what does the doctors receptionist say? HE’S GOING HOME ILL! WTF?! Yes he has heart trouble, but when does that stop you making a phone call. I’m all packed to go if I do go. I’ll try and update you as much as possible. Let’s call this hour one. I will update you every hour.