Family Christmas Dinner

Because my older brothers are busy Christmas day, we had Christmas dinner together today and I was a bit apprehensive when I first found out but about 2 days ago my mood drastically lifted and I welcomed hypomania. I had it all day and it did turn into irritability at one point but it got back to the happy side and I was glad of it but by the end of Monday 22nd Dec (the 3rd day) it was filtering out but it was there for dinner despite the fact I hadn’t slept in over 24hrs and helped me get through my dad snapping at me all the time e.g. he asked my brothers if they liked peas and sweetcorn but one of my brothers said he wasn’t a fan of sweet corn so me and my other brother said we’d be fine with just peas and he had a go at me for repeating it despite the fact 1. he’s hearing impaired so I am used to repeating everything and 2. my other brother was repeating it as well.

Well the eldest brother (whose birthday it was as well) – AdB stuck up for me but I went up stairs with my younger brother and just listened to music and messed about until we got called downstairs and all through dinner my brother and I would share glances every time our dad snapped at me (or him once) or we looked at each other and laughed. We pulled crackers I got an orange hair bobble and he got a plastic paperclip which he broke because he thought he could bend it out like a metal one.

My brother and I went back upstairs listened to music and I came out to him as pansexual and he was really accepting of it. I told him about my ex-girlfriend who just winds me up and told him I had ex-boyfriends but let’s leave the stalking stories out of it, to be honest. But it all went well.

During the dinner AdB got a call from his brother and sister (like I consider his brother my brother too but I don’t consider his sister my sister) wishing him a happy birthday and I could hear the phone and our brother asked him to pass along saying hey and stuff to us (he forgot).

Which brings me to now, feeling my energy fleeting I decided to finish putting photos in photo albums before the energy went and I was writing dates on the back and I didn’t have one of the dates actually on my computer but I knew it was on facebook so I went on facebook and despite the fact I only had to click on pictures, absent mindedly I scrolled down and I saw one of those facebook videos people make which was inserting people’s faces into elves and his sister had made one for him.

Earlier in the year, his sister and I got into an argument because she called my dad a tw** because of the way he was acting in a conflict between my dad and his sister (my aunt) despite the fact he had nothing to do with her and I told her not to insult him to me like that and we argued mainly because she said when I was “older” I’d understand. Maybe. But she was getting really nasty and condensing to a teenager when she’s 40-something. So she unfriended me.

So I was lonely… I might have written a blog about it before… and decided to add her back. Partly because I was lonely but partly because I wanted to see if she could be mature and adult about this and this was in October/early November. I kept making excuses that she was busy which is why she hadn’t accepted but that video on my brothers facebook? Meant she’d been on (in the last 20hrs according to the time stamp) and obviously declined the friend request.

It just seems a bit hypocritical because she was all about us all being a family but now she’s cutting off family for that. Ironically my aunt, the one she’s sticking up for, used to bitch about her. It does show she’s petty and I shouldn’t be upset. We only met each other in 2009 and rarely saw her then but it’s upsetting and I’m feeling down now. Like I feel depressed but still have energy – I don’t know. I think my new years resolution should be to get rid of toxic people such as her.

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Happy Easter.

I really don’t know where to begin with this blog. I guess I’ll start with HAPPY EASTER! I know it’s 1am-ish where I am but the though is still there.

Next I will move onto pills. I don’t actually know my doses, I just kind of take whatever pills I’m handed. For all I know I could be being poisoned. Lamotrigine has taken the edge of mania but when I was on my last dose, it didn’t do much for depression. I had a good bout of hypomania (hence the lack of blogging) but I feel it’s over now. One day I’ll show case my amazing art work from hypomania but today is not that day. I think I’m sinking into the depths of depression again *sighs* and I wish I could say I was ready. I’m ready for a few days but then it kind of hits you like a hurricane and you’re like “well this is awful” and well if this medication works, I’ll be all the better for it. As for the prozasin, it works on the trauma based nightmares like the nightmares that are second for second repeating past traumas but as for the normal nightmares which I now realise I get a lot, they make them more vivid and since they haven’t already happened, I can convince myself they’re not real but when I think of my past history of deja vu… It gets disconcerting at times.

Next to the list of things I’m looking forward to: Orphan Black coming back on the TV, Teen Wolf in June, getting paid for some jobs I did for my dad, seeing EH again, hopefully seeing my favourite author next year in London (Progress series ūüėČ ), buying house MD and watching it. I don’t know. I guess there’s a lot of things to look forward to when you’re on that path between depression and mania and hoping that the scales tip back into your favour. Best to be using that positive energy whilst you still have it.

Now onto this nightmare week. I will warn before you read this, this has a lot of mention of harm to a person (could be classed as self harm), emotional abuse and I should probably warn for violence too.

So I don’t know whether I ever mentioned that at one time I was on a teen depression site, this was when I was just getting used to my illness and at first thought “kids my age will get it” but then after signing up to a bipolar site run by the same company that people with bipolar get it more than kids my age. Anyway, I still get friend requests despite the fact I haven’t been on in a long time and I got a friend request and since his username contained my city name, I was intrigued. So I went on and I said what I say to all people who add me “hey, thanks for the add. You okay?” and we started talking, exchanged emails and then the site shut down. Yes. It actually shut down this week. But it was okay because we had each other’s email. Then we exchanged kik usernames which if you don’t know what kik is it’s an instant messaging service and it shows when a message has sent, delivered and been read. Sort of like the facebook messaging service. We got on and he was annoying flirty and then he says he loves me and well firstly, I at this current moment in time prefer people who present themselves more feminine like genders closer to girls so I was annoyed a little but can’t help your emotions I guess. So I was prepared to get over it. Plus I was a little scared as he had a criminal record for ABH and was in a gang and had anger problems.. So I was willing to let it slide.

Here’s where it all goes wrong.

He tells me he’s going to have a ‘wet dream’ about me and I tell him that’s inappropriate, I don’t like him in that way and then he starts sending these annoying as hell emoticons of sad faces, if I could punch an emoticon, I would have punched. every. single. one and threatening to commit suicide because I didn’t let him do what he wanted – well obviously he can dream about what he likes, just I don’t want him telling me. So after a while of threatening to commit suicide and threatening to cut his wrists, I text JLS who I haven’t spoken to in weeks mainly because it was stressing me out and I needed to gossip and vent and by the end I told him to do what he wants, it’s his body. If he wants to die, it’s his choice. Harsh? Heartless? All of the above? Probably. I think I was the one to stop talking but continued talking about it with JLS. I knew he wasn’t going to commit suicide, he was very obviously doing it to manipulate me as he began to blame me for him self harming and him going to commit suicide. I expected him not to talk to me the next morning. He did. So I obviously, being a smart ass, said “oh, so you’re not dead then.” – How many of you want to slap me right now? Well it gets worse. I say they he can’t just ignore what happened last night and he said he didn’t remember. I had saved the screen shots I was sending to JLS so I sent them to him and eventually he remembered and I forgave him because apparently I can put up with that sort of mental manipulation and emotional abuse. Side note: he also threatened to beat up my friends.

Now to understand this next bit, I need to explain something about what happened on the night he threatened to commit suicide, he kept saying bye to me and eventually changed his kik name to “bye bye bye bye” and when I asked him why he said “cus I did” and that pissed me off. So back to today, I changed my name to “Paris – Saying Goodbye<3” and that, in all honesty, was a reference to a song I was listening to. So he said “your name whose it about?” and I said “none of your business” so at first he said “is it about a friend?” “no” and then he starts to list a bunch of animals. I ask if he thinks it’s about him and I said it wasn’t (but it was PERFECT timing) Then after I joked it was about dinosaurs, I thought that was the end. Then he says “black people monkeys” and I sit there thinking “is that a breed of monkeys?” Autocorrect? His dyslexia? So I ask. He then goes off on a racist ranting saying how he “wants to kill all black people”, it’s not like he said a racist slur which is bad but when you call people out on them, they tend to stop using them but he went straight to Hitler and genocide. I really lost it at that point. I seem to be able to take anything against me but when it comes to something like this, that’s it. So still continuing to send screen shots of the conversation to JLS and she encourages me, we begin to argue. I said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and that I was going to block him so he starts saying he’ll start cutting and he goes on and on and on and on and on and eventually I get really tired of it. So when he sends me a screen shot of him holding a knife to his stomach, threatening to stab himself. I sit there and I’m not proud of this, say “do it.” He didn’t do it, I was 100% sure he wouldn’t. He did attest to breaking a wall though but it seems to me he’s a pathological liar and manipulator so I took with a pinch of salt. All the while sending these chats to JLS and I probably should have blocked him then but damn it to Hell! I needed to have the last word. It’s like a damn illness. So we argued, I mainly called him a prick. Then when I said “that’s it I’m blocking you” he went grovelling and making me feel guilty which is when JLS said it was time to block him. So I did.but see, I just couldn’t not tell people. I was stressed and I really needed to tell people and so I told… basically all my friends… and everyone on this blog…. and everyone on my tumblr blog but see one of my friends either has the best faith in people or is extremely cynical but she wanted some screen shots of the conversation as proof and since I had deleted all the ones I took for JLS, I had to unblock him to get the chat back to take the screen shots.

When I unblocked him, all the chat messages started coming in that he sent after I blocked him. See, if I just had ignored the messages I wouldn’t have gotten into another argument but he basically said he was going back to prison and it was my fault and I was confused and intrigued. So obviously I asked him. He says it’s because of the knife thing. So I told him that wouldn’t mean prison. That means mental hospital. Another argument ensues. Including him calling me a “hoe”. Charming, right? Anyway, blocked again. See the thing is with emotional abusers they get right under your skin, so you worry. I worried he was going to commit suicide, so I felt like I needed to keep a line of communication open which resulted in a lot of blocking, unblocking, ignoring, arguing. But JLS, EH, Scruffy (nickname) and the rest of you are thinking the same thing as them I bet, I should just leave him to his own devices and so far I have but I still think I have a problem.¬†I don’t know whether I identify the right choice and intentionally pick the wrong one or just decide to go against what people say is the best thing. Intentionally self destructive I wonder?

I don’t know what’ll happen but as far as I’m concerned, it’s over.

I offer no excuse.

So my last blog was on the 16th February which is exactly two weeks ago. A lot has happened in the past two weeks.
Now firstly, I was supposed to go to my psychometric meeting BUT Dr EH was ill and cancelled and now we need a  new appointment. So I have to do that. The waiting of it all drives me nuts.

Then I went and saw Toni (I have literally forgotten the acroynm I used for her so just Toni)
Toni meeting #1

She started with the blood pressures and asking how my medication is (lamotrigine – not working at this present moment). Then she said about a free bus pass since I can’t drive now technically I’m not allowed to drive so I get the free bus pass and the only work I have to do is give a passport photo which we had some left over from getting my provisional drivers license which I don’t use for driving but for other forms of ID e.g. buying things 16 years and under can’t buy and eventually being 18 and needing my ID for alcohol and tattoos – I realise how bad that sounds. Anyway, that was kosher, I saw no problems relatively.
Then she says about PIP. Now for those of you who don’t live in England or for those who do live in England but have not come across is PIP – Personal Independent Payment. They’re the replacement for the disability benefit system and is a little wider to ‘hidden’ disabilities. Now, here’s the thing. Free money? Sounds great. But it’s not free, it’s from tax payers and if I had something to do with it that would help my disability I wouldn’t say no. But I would squander the money. I don’t need hired staff to take care of me, I don’t need to hire anything extraneous to accommodate me, unless you count art supplies and a sick bucket for when my pills make me vomit counts as something that disability allowance should rightly be spent on. It’s a matter of morals here. Toni said that if I get it it’ll help give me more independence, paying my own way in meals, going out, hanging with friends and all round will make me better. Now the meeting ended with Toni asking for nhs number or some social security number idk and a bunch of other numbers and forms .

I was seeing EH on Thursday and painted penguins which I will upload soon – the pics not the penguins. So the next appointment was a Friday. Two days after the last.

Toni appointment 2

Handed over the stuff for the bus pass – all settled as far as everyone is concerned and I should be given it… whenever, I guess.

The discussion about PIP started and I, over the phone had to give all the details and when they mentioned my old last name, my dad went ballistic but I told him I was finishing this call because I know about bad customers shouting through the lines even though they’re just reading a script. So we finished the process and I begin to talk to Toni about the school situation.

Toni has been talking to my head of sixth form about me taking time off from school and starting again in year 12. Basically repeating year 12. A lot of you may scoff. But there are mixed reviews. Depending on the child it is the best thing that ever happened or the worst thing. So I had the holidays to think about it. So I thought… and I thought…. and I thought… and then I thought… then I drank some cola…. and then I thought some and realising this didn’t help I asked around. The people who know me, love me and should know what I think is best for me or what they think is best for me at least.
Dad: he basically said I have two options he could support: staying on at college but potentially failing or leaving college but having something else instead of 4-6 months in bed, doing nothing.
– That limited my choice between two. So I go to the two people who I thought would know about this stuff, one (EH) having been though a non traditional way of education and the other (JLS) knowing the school system and what I can be like.
EH: Basically boiled down to it’s my choice and if I’m really unhappy at school, I should leave but she got my dad’s point of view.
JLS: You should stay what am I going to do without my best friend? *now back to her drama*

Emotion pleasantries aren’t helpful. But I realised that until people came up with solutions of what I would be doing instead of school, I’m stuck. ¬†But on Friday, (the next week), things happen. A car rams the back of my dad’s car by accident. My neck is jolted and my dad gets some numbers he needs as it was a ‘smalll’ dent but a few hours later when the shock had worn off my neck was killing me. We see Dr C (my consultant) about meds and Toni is going to drive me to school (least that’s what we thought) so I can have a chat with Mr M (head of sixth form).
My consultancy boiled down to? Lamotrigine: 50mg.
New dose Lamotrigine: 75mg
And she said I would probably find my way to over 100mg of the stuff. And I laughed. It wasn’t meant to be funny. Another medication was added zoplidem (10mg), some of you may know it better as ambien.

My dad actually has to drive me to the meeting. He leaves and I piss about and talk to people and manage to get to reception just in time for Toni to walk in and want to sign the forms saying “yo i’m a visitor up in thiiss bitch” – yeah well attempt at humour. Not a very good bit. Anyway so we have a chat whilst we wait for Mr M and I ask what would I be doing if I didn’t go to school, what groups are there I could join? She said “well some people like going to the gym… um, can’t think of much else. I’ll have a think about it.” so now I am going into a meeting with not enough fact to support the only condition that means leaving school. So whilst in there I try and stay away from any definitive answers without saying “I had a week to think about it and I really don’t fucking know”. Now Toni was supposed to be FOR me leaving education, Mr M was obviously hesitant and said I could continue, give it a few more weeks and see how you feel, you can leave any time you want.
Um, nooo. I need to tell a bunch of people, I can’t just go. Like stand up in the middle of English class and say “adios bitches, I get a 6 month holiday”. But Toni had begun to side with him. My problem with that? I don’t know where my head is at. All I know is it was a bed and a laptop (and working wifi) and that is literally as definitive as I get. So because I don’t know where my head is at I don’t always know what’s the right course of action futurely. Presently, I need a good lie down and a sleep. In the future no idea what I want. She was supposed to speak for the looking forward side of me but she back peddled with Mr M because Mr M believes I want to go to university and when I said I didn’t he said “apply anyway.” Um. no. But that is an issue for a later debate. That meeting boiled down to carry on EXACTLY how you were before. . . Thanks.

Now she’s off for two weeks. I have to suffer at school for two weeks. I can’t ask her questions. For two weeks. A fornight. Two weeks.

When I first took a zoplidem, I was dizzy, blurred vision, a little high. It was brilliant so I couldn’t wait for the next hit. But it didn’t work, really and it didn’t make me sleep. It did make me act out a dream in bed but that’s it. Then next night, no sleep. So, I bring out ingredients book for a drugs cocktail (and make it dirty). I took 10mg of diazepam, 1000mg of co-codamol and 10mg of zoplidem. Admittedly, that was an allright sleep. Short but sweet. Until I feel asleep later on and had a horrific nightmare. Doesn’t make you sleep that well or that long and it doesn’t make you high. I give it a 6/10.

I also dyed my hair black, not a manic thing. Opposite of a manic thing. The depression was sick of the bright blonde in my hair and constantly having to hide my dark roots so black. Plus I feel it suits my costume for this convention I’m going to – MY FIRST ONE ACTUALLY. I’m dressing as a torchwood operative and really want my photo taken with Eve Myles and Kai Owens. It’s going to be awesome. But I have to get ¬£20 together to get a picture taken together.

Now, here’s a question to my fellow bipolar bears…
have you ever induced mania? Started mania yourself? Purposefully took something or put your self in a situation that would cause mania?

Is there a dilemma here or is escaping the crushing feeling of depressed and the noose feeling of suicidal tendencies worth it? I mean I’m at the point where it’s been several weeks, I’m stressed out, I’m overworked, I’m so down in the hole I built myself I think there’s no way out.

Whilst out buying my hair dye, I see ProPlus – basically caffeine pills and I think to myself, what to do? I mean I could take one a day to stay awake in class OR I could take several and see if I can’t kick myself into high gear and get a manic or at least an hypomanic episode. I mean if my body has bad tolerance to medications this could work well, meaning side effects of medications that are trying to help me cause bad side effects. Caffeine, a pill that is in some case bad could trigger a manic episode and I could be free of depression for just a little while. I’ll see what I think tomorrow.

Bipolar II

So If I had to fall on a side. Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2. As to which I have, I’d say it was bipolar 2. Awful depressed episodes, reasonably brilliant/awful hypomanic episodes. Though I’ve been told I’ve had a manic episode before and I dno, I think I’ve heard one qualifies you to be bipolar I. I mean I honestly can’t tell. Hey give me a break. I can barely remember what day of the week it is.

As for this current hypomanic episode, it is entering it’s 4th week and whilst I usually (and still do) enjoy the 1 and a half to 2 weeks of elation, I am not enjoying the extra 2 weeks of irritability, anger, sexual frustration and ‘psychomotor’ agitation that has me ranging between killing myself and killing everyone around me which is literally the opposite of what you’d expect me to feel. Maybe it is a mixed episode. Maybe it’s not. All I know is thank GOD for paint and painting and crafts and the fact this stuff is reasonably cheap to get your hands on because it is the only constant I have found to relax me. On the other end of the scales entitled: “Things that make me want to wring my hands off” is exams, school and basically anything relating to that. But painting, painting is my saving grace.
I should do a picture depicting saving grace…
I’ll never be able to do it seriously.
Maybe not.

So tomorrow is my last exam and it is a catch up since I missed one due to the whole falling over ordeal. It’s at 9am and I just have to get through that exam and then it’s time to seriously discuss the drowsiness and the agitation because I’m at my wits end. I mean is it possible for someone to be drowsy and agitated? Is that possible? Seriously? It must be because that’s how I feel a lot of the time. But considering how drowsy I am, I am seriously not getting good enough sleep; quality or quantity.

At least I got out a few times whilst in this mood, I’m ready for the depression. Bring on the slowness of depression. Bring on the pain which I understand. Bring on the mood that I understand inside and out. Please. This mood has too many question marks, too many questions, too many loose ends.

Does anyone have any advice? Anything to battle this?

So hypomania improves my driving?

Bipolar outreach decided to take me on and I am officially off CAMHS though I am supposed to call and say ‘good bye’ because here’s what happened:

The original plan was Miss D picks me up from outside college at 8:15am, she never came because she went to the wrong school so we missed the appointment with CAMHS so I couldn’t sign off that way. My dad drove me home which usually would have been great but the electricity has been fucking up so we didn’t have much heat or anything to do. Then I went to the appointment and one of the things I liked was she asked how I felt about bipolar as a diagnosis. I don’t fully believe bipolar is my diagnosis or that there is anything wrong necessary but if I was to say something was wrong I would say it was bipolar. It’s a difficult thing to be asked which is why I guess I should be more sympathetic when she asked my dad and he just blurted out some ridiculous answer. She seems nice but I just have this annoying gut feeling saying there is something off about her. Maybe it was anxiety since my dad was on the room but I just feel like there is something off about her. Basically the only interesting things I learnt were:

  • I’m off CAMHS and onto an Adult service.
  • If abilify doesn’t work it’s lamicital is next.
  • If the periods of uncomfortable, mind breaking restlessness doesn’t stop there is a medication (addictive) that can be taken to stop these periods.
  • This is a long hypomanic episode for me.
  • My blood pressure is lower today than it has been in recent days.
  • Measure weight every week *coughs* nope *coughs*

As for driving, I’ve had 11 lessons. The last 3 (which is 3 weeks) approximately is the length of this hypomanic episode have been my best driving lessons so far. When you’re not preoccupied with trying to drive the car into a tree to kill yourself, you can be a good driver or at least a reasonable learner driver. Just need a hypomanic episode for my actual driving test and I’m ace.

I think overall the day has been okay and the electricity is somewhat on now.

Bipolar outreach?

I say a lot about the universe and it’s alignment with my life. I mean if you’ve been watching the new Sherlock Holmes series you’ll see that the universe is rarely so sloppy as to create coincidences but there is no other way to explain these things.

Remember that girl I met EH, she uses Autism Outreach for aspergers and I learnt this a few months ago and aside from my brother and my dad (sorta) no one knows about her aspergers or that she uses Autism Outreach and yesterday I am offered a place under Bipolar Outreach. Universal sloppiness, anyone?

It was explained to me that in six months CAMHS would have had to look for another place for me to go to, like adult services but like I said six months away. So why the sudden offer on the table? Why didn’t they put this offer on the table several months ago? Well, to explain the suddenness I would have to point the finger at my father who pissed my psychiatrist off (or possibly scared him) by threatening to take action against him for not having the blood tests but prescribing a 1g dose of Carbamzepine that caused blurred vision, ataxia and dizziness which has caused this last week to be relatively school-less. Though the official reason is my brand of recent mania has sounded on the verge of a full psychotic episode, any truth to that? Maybe. But I didn’t think so. Though crazy doesn’t know they’re crazy, so maybe I am verging on psychosis. But what are the benefits?

I’d have a consultant to manage my medications. No more CAMHS. No more psychiatrist. She’s nearer, no more going all the way across town. It’s a woman which not sound like a man-hater, I did want a girl so I’d feel more comfortable talking about birth control, medication fucking up my period cycle and basically girl things. My consultant and therapy in the same building. An on hand team for the emergency I am so obviously heading for… Well, according to everyone except me. Personally I’ve never felt better.¬†They stay with me for ¬†3 years and if at the end of the 3 years I’m ready to be on my own then that’s what happens, if I’m not they continue. ¬†I’m listing the pros right now and I don’t actually see many benefits… ¬†Maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much time in my own world when they were explaining because I must have thought it was a good idea if I agreed to it, so there must have been more points than that.

I have a CAMHS appointment on Wednesday, possibly my last and a meeting with the consultant two hours later which mean I have to spend time in the waiting room by myself as my dad isn’t coming till the actual meeting time and Miss D is taking me to both appointments, not that anyone was in a happy mood in Friday’s appointment. Well I suppose I was but more giddy than anything else.

WillI I decide whether I’m happy with the consultant on Wednesday? Will the consultant decide she’s ready to take me on? All will be revealed on Wednesday’s blog.

A little too high. A little too low.

I’m either one or the other and that postpones a lot. A little too low was last year and a little too high is this year and whilst I can see the metaphor in leaving 2013 on a low and coming in on a high and maybe thinking it’s the universes subtle message of saying this year is going to better, I somehow doubt it but not because of pessimism, just because I know science and science says bipolar is a cycle and it’s just that time of the cycle. I mean if I got my period on new years day, I wouldn’t predict the universe was saying I was going to spend this year bloody.

The high has been interesting, I’ve taken drugs (technically I did have a prescription at a point in time) to soothe it but I somehow always find myself riding the crazy train which is why a worried psychiatrist has only given me 4 days between appointments. Just because I kept talking, I stole stickers and post it notes and went off topic a lot, is that a cause for concern?

I went to the GP earlier in the week and he put me on diazepam to relax my muscles… they’re addictive as well as my drug of choice for a suicide last year so my dad was called in but did my doctor stop there? No, he did not. He went on about sex drive. I handle my sex drive the good ol’ no risk of pregnancy way, masturbating and vibrators. I kiss people on the cheeks, I did fondle someone’s breasts but masturbating and vibrators all the damn way. But I’m not about to tell anyone that otherwise both my fingers and vibrator will be taken away from me. So when my dad later asked if it was true, I avoided the conversation by spraying him with sanitizer. As for alcohol, give it to me anytime. Well.. maybe not now. Today I took the new dosage of 800g in the morning but felt headachey, dizzy, had coordination problems and blurry vision and thought – my thoughts are still spinning, diazepam please! So 5mg of diazepam and I slept 2-3 hours and when I woke up my jaw hurt so I took some procoedicial (something like that) and well… I was as high as a kite. I don’t remember most of what happened but I do remember feeling very loose and free and very out of it which I was glad of. Between bipolar, PTSD and teenage angst I was giving myself a run for anyone’s money.

So as of the 11 full days of the new year I’d probably rate it 7/10. I’d faced my fear of law and English. Mania (still). Drugs. On the reasons why I lost the 3 marks – paranoia, arguments, school start back up, drugs and having to spray sanitizer to stop a conversation about sex.

Happy New Year

Happy 2014! Are you ready for it?
Any new years resolutions? I have the obvious ones. Lose weight which like most people will have been permanently broken by February. I dyed my hair on 1st of Jan, it’s blonde and in some places ginger and in some places were the dye has missed, brown. I will cover them up when I have to dye my roots. I plan to stay blonde until at least March. I changed my theme on tumblr which isn’t so much a big deal but it features a lot of my favourite avenger Black Widow played by the lovely ScarJo and I plan to buy the books featuring her origin soon which is all geeky stuff but I thought I would mention it. I don’t think I have any other resolutions because it’s hard to keep to anything when you go from “I’m shit” to “I’m amazing” more often than a 14 year old doing an algebra problem. On that scale of things, I’m at “I can’t think of anything other than my overpowering sex drive” which is causing massive frustration on my part. I now understand the term ‘sexually frustrated’.

My mood has been somewhat of a rollercoaster whilst at school it was low, very low, I can’t begin to describe how low and it started to rise in the last week and for the last two weeks it has been dipping and flying. I’ve gone from feeling brilliant, creative and like I could do anything and everything to feeling shit on a repeating cycle. I think what’s the hardest thing is I face this all by myself. My dad doesn’t understand and whilst I’m on speaking terms with my friends, we’re not that close any more. As for the medical professionals, my psychiatrist isn’t exactly about talking… he’s more about give me medication and finding the balance. My bipolar specialist – Miss D, she’s good but I just don’t trust her enough and it’s more a gut thing than based on any evidence. That’s an important thing I should point out, if you go to an appointment with someone and in the first appointment you don’t trust them, like have a gut feeling that you don’t trust them, you’re never going to trust them. There will always be a tugging feeling and if this past year has taught me anything it’s that I have to start putting my gut before my head a few more times. I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt so much because if people hurt you once, they’ll hurt you again more often than not. Which sounds rather negative for the mood I’m feeling but to be honest, I just feel very spiritual and euphoric more than anything.

So what am I looking forward to in 2014.

The end of hiatuses for my TV seasons. The decision I’ll have to face of whether A2 levels will be the way I want to go. Being able to decide if I want medication or not. I think that’s it. Surprisingly depressing. But I won’t let it get me down for now.

I have my next appointment with bipolar specialist tomorrow and I bet she’ll have a lot to say about my blonde hair.

These are the best years of your life?

Today was okay. Yesterday was okay. I don’t know how longer I can tolerate the word ‘okay’ any more. “I’m okay”, “I’m fine”, “okay” I say when I don’t really understand what you’re saying. I’m not okay, I’m really depressed. I had my longest manic episode recently and the fall was so. damn. hard. How much longer am I supposed to ride this rollercoaster? Do I get a picture at the end? A mug with the picture on? Anything?

I go through periods of hating my medication and well… no that’s it. I go through periods of hating my medication and then hating it a little less. Sometimes because it sucks mania away and keeps depression. Sometimes because of the side effects. Sometimes just the connotations of taking medications, the reputation I develop if people find out. I’m on carbamzepine, that’s my poison this month. It’s not at therapeutic dose. Now a definite side effect is upset stomach, I’m also getting chills but I don’t know whether that’s this freaking cold weather or the medication. I also recently ‘sprained’ my neck. I put ‘sprained’ in inverted commas because I didn’t believe I sprained it because I have swollen glands in my neck and now my jaw feels out of place and it hurts when the jaw stretches… and my neck still hurts. I even had to miss my driving lesson last week.

But I had it this week and it’s the same problem over and over. Adrenaline those most helpful and hindering of chemicals. I grip the wheel too tight because I think something bad is going to happen, adrenaline releases and I am short of panic. I also have trouble with left and rights and my driving instructor asked if I had mild dyslexia and asked me how I was at school and it’s unfair to base anything of recent schooling because I’m failing but not for dyslexic reasons, depression reasons. Bipolar reasons. But out of curiosity I looked up the symptoms for mild dyslexia and I have some of them but I bet we all do. Zoning out and day dreaming? Illegible handwriting? Problems with maths and algebra? Being able to process acoustically but not written? Skipping lines in a book or having to re-read? Problems with left and right? I do all these things but that doesn’t mean dyslexia. My brother was tested for it when he was younger but he caught up and was said to not have it. I’ll mention it to my therapist (who even after several promises to quit I still haven’t) just because better safe than sorry.

I spent the only lesson I had today reading wordpress blogs but I couldn’t log onto my account so I couldn’t like or follow anyone. I’ve spent my days pretty much alone. Call it depression. Call it growing up. But I’ve realised how awful people can be. I’m basically friends with two people. JLS and SK, SK found a new group of friends when I left with JLS, I mean she had before that. I would never just leave someone. But now I can’t re-enter that group, which I get. I made that social decision. But JLS and I is a whole other story. We started hanging out with year 13, they are JLS’ friends. Eventually she didn’t even want me around. No texts when I wasn’t there, not even to check I was okay. On Wednesday for example I texted her at 7:30am to see if she was coming in since it’s her morning off, she said she was. I texted her once in school to meet me in the corner of sixth form since no one was there. No reply. She came at about 9:30-9:45 (she was supposed to meet me at 8:50am) with a boy nicknamed ‘Crouchy’ and said they were waiting in another part of school for NB and BOTH were texting him, if they were texting then JLS saw my texts and just chose to ignore them until suitable amount of time had gone past that NB wasn’t coming in till later. I’m an after thought, which I don’t mind necessarily. Just all the time?

EC, a girl I met on tumblr who went to the same psychiatric hospital at me but not at the same time who found me through a tumblr post, after long personal conversations is also ignoring me. Am I really that awful? I mean logically that doesn’t make sense but maybe it’s just depression warping this sense of paranoia. Maybe EC has a legitimate reason for ignoring messages I can see she has read. Maybe JLS really didn’t see my text. Maybe depression has taken off the glasses that makes bullshit hard to see.

So it shouldn’t be a surprise when old and new bad self destructive habits appear. Miss D says I like to self criticise and like to engage in self destructive behaviours. It used to be food. But now it’s self harm, drugs, drink and nasty bouts of kleptomania. My dad knows about one out of four, I’ll let you be the judge of which one.

We’ve got to decide university soon, whether we’re going, which one we’re going to, go to open days. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go. Not that anyone supports that decision.

I don’t see how these are the best years, all I’m seeing is self hatred, drugs and frienemies, that’s in no way good.

Burn out?

I have just finished my first week of school and I don’t know whether it’s just because I am getting back into a formal environment or the attempt to get back into the swing of things or the increase in intensity of subject matter or homework but I just have not been having a good week.

Due to the high levels of stress I was in a manic episode for most of last week and have come close several times to having panic attacks over homework and crowds and I have probably cried more over the past week than I did all summer so things are getting harder again.

You know that feeling where you know you’re going to burn out, it hasn’t quite happened but it’s close. You’re very emotionally sensitive – prone to outbursts of anger and periods of crying – I feel very much like frayed wire. The problem I find though is I can’t tell anyone because there will be ramifications as this is no longer forced education. My teachers could decide they don’t want an underachieving kid on their course and the psychiatrist could decide that I’d need to go back to the psychiatric place as they have a more specific teaching program and the medication is no longer having a full effect any more and I know the raining reaction is that it’s impossible for it to just stop working but I think the hormones and the stress is taking over and soon my body will just stop responding to the meds because I can feel it. Every day I feel slightly more on edge. I’ve been feeling more depressed. My manic episodes have been more higher. I’ve even being feeling suicidal when manic. It’s an awful turn of events but it makes me want to stop all functioning and stay in bed. I just feel so weak and powerless which is why, until I have even one rock bottom day I am going to keep my mouth shut. But I have another 29 days of school left and I have to go to every single one of them. If anyone EVER tries to tell you that bipolar recovery is a straight line with a positive correlation punch them in the face just to show them how they are wrong. What’s that old Shakespeare saying? Check yourself before you wreck yourself? Yes. That is the saying and one I think more people need to abide by it.

As for side effects, my hair is still coming out in chunks. If it wasn’t utterly gross I would have shown you what came out of my skull when I lightly combed hair that had already been combined an hour ago. My memory is bad, we did this test in psychology and to cut a long story short everyone scored at least above 25 in how many words they remembered, I remembered 16. So I’d say still not brilliantly. Concentration, well I’d say that my main source of frustration is that my concentration is awful. I manage about my first two lessons but then it’s me against a 200mph gail force wind after that, I’m forcing myself to keep going but I’m fighting a losing battle because ultimately I will lose my grip and fall and the wind will blow me away to the shore. Those are the Holy Trinity of side effects for me as it were. There isn’t anything else I necessarily attribute to sodium valproate that couldn’t just be caused by something else. Well… weight gain I suppose but aside from being a self esteem lower, it isn’t something I couldn’t fix with a little bit of effort.

Lessons, well the content is interesting sort of. The part of biology with cell measuring is boring but the dieases part is fun. Psychology is fun but demanding work load with three separate parts – attachment which is a part of developmental psychology; memory as apart of cognitive psychology and research methods as a part of… well research methods I guess. Law is split into civil and criminal and as much as it is interesting it is hard especially as my damn teachers gave out separate research projects. Then English language which has it’s good and bad days so that’s good.

Also, to add one final fact to this… this is as good as it will get. As the year progresses things like Enrichments will be added and driving lessons and getting a job *starts having another panic attack*

Seriously though, how do people with bipolar actually go onto live successful lives? And I ask this as sincerely and as sweetly as possible because there is no way in Hell I think I can even manage one more week let alone 2 more years. So seriously… how does anyone do it?

PS. It’s National Suicide Prevention Week.

Catch up

okay. You get one free hit, I have been very bad at keeping my blog updated. Though to be fair my internet has been poor for about a week so… not that it’s an excuse but yeah it is an excuse.

Main question I guess you’re thinking is how am I?

Moods are still a bit… well I go down quite a bit but I find they are more triggered. Like for the past two days I have been depressed because I found out my dad is drinking again but if my brother and I are in a room together for long enough mania can sprout forward and entertain us all for a bit.

Healthwise, I’ve been ill for again the past week. I think it’s because I have hit the 1000mg mark of sodium valproate and my liver just has found it’s tipping point. My hair is falling out, my stomach is upset, my cognitive skills are snail speed so overall I’d say not great.

Socially? no, can’t we avoid that topic. Okay… okay… okay… OKAY! Stop badgering me, I’ll tell you. I haven’t left the house much still. I did email SK so that was something, well she emailed first but I emailed back very promptly. I did not go to JLS’ birthday party because I frankly didn’t like the way she treated me over the holidays with the fact she text me once when she needed me and then ignored my weeks worth of messages until Thursday at which point my technology was not really working. I feel bad, I do but like she even cares.

Future events: I have exam results coming out next Thursday and probably going to pick them up at 10am, my depression starts at 10:01am and the depression continues until the moment I have to drag my sorry butt out of bed. I also have to be dragged around town, shopping for clothes and other things one might need at a school. Which I can pretty much predict is the usual: go, get bored, have fun, get yelled at, get into argument with parent routine. Also, filling in papers to get my drivers licence – well provisional. But still, I could have a licence by Christmas and I can drive my brother to school and the beach. It’s pretty much the most exciting thing I’ve got going on right now.

PTSD – nightmares every single night. Flashbacks every other day, sort of thing. Not much change. Not much EMDR.

So how are you?

Psycho-what tests?!

Another appointment with the pdoc today and up the dose again goes. 1g, 1000mg of sodium valproate. Which is basically the final level since my liver plasm (or something) is at 89 and the max level is 100 and he doesn’t want to push it. I’ve never gotten 1000 of anything before so that’s pretty awesome or the final level, without my brothers help… well I had to start somewhere.

I’ll tell you what has both Mr pdocman and Miss D baffled though is how, on 1g of sodium valproate my concentration seems to be as bad as it is. I argue memory issues but nope everyone is firmly set on my concentration being terrible and I guess maybe they have a point. I still argue my memory is pretty fucking bad though.

So my pdoc has ordered up a round of psychologist with a side of psychosomething tests. Basically they’re a bunch of tests that will test memory and concentration to see if it’s actually not something else fucking with them and if then do I need another set of pills to help with my concentration… I never realised mental illness was so hard.

Now ideally for everyone involved it would be best they were done before the end of August; before school. Also long enough away so that we could make sure the medication actually works and helps but obviously that’s not to be. My doctor also asked if when I was at the mental hospital (for the short time as everyone so helpfully points out) did I have an MRI or an EMG or EMF… I don’t think EMF was actually one. I think supernatural is coming into play here. Unfortunately my memories not only get lost but end up swirled together but it makes for some stuttering and awkward conversations and who doesn’t love that? Anyway, so I’m thinking the pdoc is already cooking up a theory as to what’s up with my noggin (my physicans, they never tell you anything). So my question is (and will plague me till I have an answer): What is Mr pdocman thinking is wrong this time?

 

It is over!

Sorry for my nine day absence, I have had exams but they are over. They are over. Overall I think I got the 5 GCSEs I need to pass, I decided I don’t really care about science anymore and as for maths – well the less said the better. But I now have 4 extra weeks than my brother which I will use to catch up on the social things I have been missing, the only things I actually did update during this time was tumblr and facebook and that’s only because people worry if I don’t. I mean I got emails and things as I hadn’t updated here either but it was hard to keep up to date with them.

So what questions are you thinking? Let me see if I can guess them.

How’s the medication going?

It’s not doing anything good or bad. I mean the dose is too low and not at theraputic level and mr pdocman was supposed to phone me but didn’t or did but we missed the one call and he never called again. It was on private number how are we supposed to call back?! I’ve been in an awful mixed episode for the past few days where I thought about ending it and came close to doing so but didn’t. I threw ‘temper tantrums’, I threatened, I threw things. It wasn’t a very plesant time but as far as I can tell I’ve seen the worse and am now fading onto depression. So much for the pills controlling mixed episodes.

How is EMDR?

Blech. I mean I’ve only done three real sessions and I haven’t had a session this week because exams were in the way and so far no effect. The medication is making me sleep. But still nightmares and flashbacks and well, we haven’t processed the ‘big things’ yet. But I just wonder whether we could start on a smaller big thing. Miss D keeps telling me to ‘rescript’ what happens. But she’s trying to rescript for me and well that doesn’t work. Another person can’t rescript YOUR memory, you have to do it. If you are not happy with the rescripting, it will not work. Simple as. I want to use a gun and she wants me to grow taller. I get a little sick of being told how to deal with things. Tell me HOW to rescript, not WHAT to rescript or whatever. Idk. But to rate it currently: 5/10. I like the therapy aspect – the talking cure. More than the finger thing.

What’s your plan for the summer?

Well JLS is busy most of the summer so I imagine in the very near future I’m going to go to town with her. Plus there is her birthday. I bought Torchwood Series 1-3 so I’ll watch that. I’ll watch the next 4 Supernatural seasons that I have yet to watch. I’ll catch up on my reading. I’ll hopefully FINISH the book – which is only known as the ‘cathatic book’ – over the summer but I have to write some chapters to send to people for next week so that’s pretty much my thing. Like I am stressing about that for the moment, not because it’s needed formally. Just because I promised. I have a lot of appointments in the next few weeks. Literally EVERYTHING is being checked. Okay, not EVERYTHING because I’m not going to a gyno (or will I ever) but I have dentist, my friend’s mum is going to sort my hair out, pdoc, EMDR, othodontist, doctors and something else but I forget. But nothing else, but that fills the next 2 weeks at least and who plans ahead more than two weeks? pls.

How did the exams go in your opinion?

I definitely got 5. I mean I got some last year. English lang, Core science and health which is 3 completed ones. I definitely got a C or higher in RE. I’m pretty sure about getting a C or higher in English lit. My maths exam today definitely went terrible but as for the rest, I couldn’t say. I just couldn’t even predict.

Will you blog more?

I’ll try, man. But I have my life *hears laughing* wut. But no, I will blog more especially to update on EMDR and medicine and stuff but I’ve been watching Ellen Degenres, Jeremy Kyle, Cheaters. I really am watching a lot of TV so if I cut back on that I can fit in blogging.

How are you?

Science Blog: Bipolar Brain

Now as we know there are different types of bipolar:

  • Bipolar I= Categorized by at least one manic episode
  • Bipolar II= Never experiences full blown mania, experiences hypomania
  • Cyclothymia= Mildest form, less severe mood swings between hypomania and mild depression

But how does that relate to the population?

  • Bipolar affects about 2.6% of the U.S population.
  • Bipolar disorder results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span (scary, right?!)
  • About 1 in 5 patients with bipolar disorder commits suicide.
  • Almost 70% of bipolar patients are misdiagnosed 3 or more times before receiving their correct diagnosis.

Now there is a spectrum for bipolar and here it is:

spectrumAnd we know the symptoms of the spectrum, right?

 Manic Symptoms:

  • Easily distracted
  • Little need for sleep
  • Poor judgment
  • Poor temper control
  • Reckless behavior and lack of self control
  • Elevated mood
  • Easily agitated or irritable
  • Increased energy
  • Racing thoughts
  • Very high self-esteem
  • Talking a lot/quickly
  • Spending sprees
  • Increased promiscuity
  • Poor Judgment
  • Binge eating, drinking, drug use

 Depression Symptoms:

  • Low mood or sadness
  • Trouble concentrating, making decisions, decreased memory
  • Eating problems-weight loss or gain
  • Fatigue
  • Feeling guilty, worthless or hopeless
  • Decreased self-esteem
  • Thoughts of suicide
  • Decreased pleasure in activities once enjoyed
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Isolation from friends and family

Mixed State: When two phases of depression and mania overlap or quickly cycle after another.

But what’s the neurobiology of it all?
ee2These are pictures of bipolar brains. So what does it tell us, well it tells us that:

  • Although the abnormalities in the brain due to bipolar disorder are still unknown, the structural abnormalities believed to be linked to bipolar disorder are amygdala, basal ganglia, and the prefrontal cortex. Research is currently being conducted to find more definite information on the definite causes and changes in the brain of bipolar disorder.
  • Recently using MRI, hyperintense (bright white) spots have been found in bipolar patients. Hyperintensities have previously been associated with a change in water content in the brain tissue, but the causes of these are not known.
  • Amygdala volumes have been shown to be reduced in unmedicated patients and increased in medicated patients. This is seen in the chart below.
    1-s2.0-S1053811909012099-gr2So what does it actually look like, you know, hormonally?
    bipolar-brainAt the top is ‘normal’ brains, in the middle hypomanic and at the bottom depressed brains.

    • Abnormal intracellular function of the brain of bipolar patients, such as producing higher amounts of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.
    • These abnormalities lead to “racing thoughts” or the patient feeling like they can’t “turn off” their brains.
    • In this figure, you can see the reduced activity in the depressed brain, by the presence of more dark blue and can see the overactivity in the manic brain by the presence of more green, yellow and red in the brain scan.

    DanaGuide_CH15C33_P437_spot

    • Studies done with mice have shown that mice with a mutation in the CLOCK gene will develop manic behavior. This behavior includes: hyperactivity, decreased sleep, reduced anxiety, and an increased response to cocaine. The researchers were able to get rid of the manic behavior by returning the expression of CLOCK to normal, specifically in the ventral tegmental area of the mouse brain.
    • The ventral tegmental area is very rich in dopamine receptors. Because of this, the researchers believe that the same issue that the efficacy of atypical antipsychotics in acute mania might be achieved by their ability to lower activity in neurons specifically within the ventral tegmental area.
    • Levels of expression of oligodendrocyte-myelin-related genes are decreased in brain tissue of individuals with bipolar disorder. Oligodendrocytes produce myelin membranes that insulates axons and allow nerve impulses to fire very rapidly, so a loss in myelin is theorized to interrupt the communication between neurons and lead to possible thought disturbances that are seen in bipolar disorder.

    br-800epi1

    -Although individuals with bipolar disorder do not demonstrate a size difference in hippocampus, bipolar patients have shown hippocampal dysfunction in:

    • a reduced volume in nonpyramidal cell layers
    • a reduced number of somatostati-positive and paravalbumin positive neurons
    • reduced somal volume of cornu ammonis sector 2/3
    • reduced mRNA levels for somatostatin, parvalbumin and glutamic acid decarboxylase 1
    • The hippocampal anatomy is displayed above to illustrate these problems.

    Some studies have also shown a loss in gray matter in bipolar patients, depicted in the graph below. Gray matter is made up of neuronal cell bodies and regulates muscle control and sensory perception, which include: seeing, hearing, memory, emotions, and speech.

1-s2.0-S0006322307002338-gr2 003_brain-white-matterOkay, so what CAUSES bipolar disorder?

The causes of bipolar disorder are vastly unknown, and much research is currently being done to determine the exact cause. However, it is believed to be a combination of genetic factors, environmental factors, and the individuals biochemical processes.

–First degree relatives of a person with bipolar disorder are 7 times more likely to develop bipolar disorder.

–80% concordance rate in identical twins and 16% in fraternal twins, which means that in the case of twin studies, an identical twin has an 80% chance of having bipolar if their identical twin has it, and only 16% chance if the twin is fraternal. This explains the high genetic factor seen with bipolar disorder. Because identical twins share 100% of their DNA, while fraternal twins are regular siblings that share only 50% of each other’s DNA.

–Several genes appear to be linked to bipolar disorder:

  • CACNA1C, on chromosome 12. This gene encodes the alpha 1C subunit of the L-type calcium ion channel in the brain
  • ANK3- an adaptor protein found at the axon initial segments and regulates the assembly of voltage-gated sodium channels.
  • Both ANK3 and CACNA1C genes are down-regulated in response to lithium.
  • Abnormal CLOCK gene function

And of course triggers:

  • Stressful life events
  • Certain medications
  • Major life changes
  • Drug or alcohol abuse
  • Seasonal changes
    But these only trigger episodes in predisposed individuals.

Well I’m on the treatment phase now, so what should I expect?

Mood Stabilizers are most often used because although bipolar patients experience depression, antidepressants are used to treat bipolar patients with caution, because antidepressants have been known to trigger manic episodes in individuals with bipolar disorder. If antidepressants are used, they are used in addition to mood stabilizing drugs.

  • Lithium
  • Valproate
  • Lamotrigine
  • Carbamazephine

ECT: Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) may be used to treat the manic or depressive phase of bipolar. ECT uses an electrical current to cause brief seizure, while the individual is under anesthesia. This is considered the most effective non-drug treatment for bipolar disorder.

Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) uses high-frequency magnetic pulses to target affected areas of the brain. This treatment if used more commonly than ECT.

Prozacological

I’m supposed to not take prozac today… I don’t know if I’m ready to stop, I know how this is going to sound. But I’m used to the dramatic ups and downs throughout the day and the fact that when I’m depressed I know it’s only for a few hours is better than knowing it’s weeks or months and it’s just suffering all the time and it’s ridiculous. I don’t want to stop prozac, I can’t be depressed again for a long time. I just can’t. I can’t crash again, not like that. My dad won’t agree and the psychiatrist and Miss D will yell at me if they find out. But really, am I crazy to want to keep taking it? The mania and the depression being only a few hours and triggered usually is so much easier to deal with emotionally but I suppose more destructive for me and the people around me in the long run. I’m torn on the one hand I want to follow the treatment course but on the other I seriously don’t want to be depressed again.

Logical, right? Wrong. It’s prozacological and yes, it is going to become a thing.

Shout out to Amy Queau
The UK link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00BNYEA1C
The US link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BNYEA1C
Free Progress this Sunday.

With the family.

My day didn’t get off to the best start. I began to dissociate and flashback in the car for about an hour but it was a two hour car drive so it started to fade out. Funnily enough though, it didn’t stop the manic episode from happening almost immediately and becoming very addicted to temple run 2 on my brother, TB iPad. I got scarily addicted and crazy about it. We were supposed to meet a 1pm but my sister texted saying she wasn’t going to get there till 2pm. TB needed to get dressed and ready which would take him half an hour because he is in a wheel chair, so he probably wouldn’t be there till 1:45-2pm. No one knew whether AdB was actually going to come and SB and his boyfriend run the pub so they would be there whenever we got there. But it’s like the last hurrah before the pub was sold. So we got there and we AdB walking down the road, so I yelled his name several times but he didn’t hear me. It being a particularly warm day we sat outside, AdB had gone down the shops, SB was working inside but his boyfriend (with the same first name as him by the way) was outside with us and so was my dad. TB has bought his iPad so AnB (my youngest brother) and I kept taking it in turns to play but eventually I won control over the iPad.

My sister arrived at 2:15pm roughly in the Aston Martin DB7 which all the boys ran to look at. I sat there on temple run. I wasn’t getting up. I was engrossed. The family decided not to eat at my brother’s pub but rather to go to a different one and I walked along, clutching the iPad threatening to rip the arm off anyone who tried to take it away from me. We got to this pub; I forget what it’s called but they had ‘Mooshakes’ – I know. It had whipped cream on it and because I was playing temple run 2, my brother drank some but then so did I but it was quite sickly so AnB drank the rest. I thought we were eating there but due to flies and the fact my brother couldn’t pull his wheel chair up to the table they decided we had to go eat somewhere else. But not before they finished their drinks. This is where I started to drop. First it manifested as anger and I walked off in a huff because I was hot and “they are taking the piss” because they said they wanted to leave and go eat somewhere else but they wanted to finish their drinks and I was hot and unsettled.

We eventually did leave but Dad, EB (sister) and SB all trailed behind as AnB, AdB, TB and I got to the pub place, admittedly it was a lot nicer. I was depressed, that didn’t help. I didn’t want to eat. I was geniunely not hungry and I was told off for that and was told that it was psychological, it was probably prozacological but apparently I’ve lost weight so there is an upside to everything. I’ll probably gain it all back once depression hits again and I hit the carbs. I also was asked about how often I went to school and when I went to bed, like DUDES. Why? You don’t even know about the fact I have bipolar disorder. Though luckily my dad answered the questions. I was then picked on for my hair despite being called ‘artsy’ by my sister earlier in the day. I didn’t get the blackberry but should get it in a week or two. I left feeling utterly depressed and bad because I was kinda disengaged and harsh by the end of the day. On the bright side I got ¬£20 which I will probably spend on getting my hair professionally dyed red. Or manic spending. One of the two.

You’re too up for EMDR

Once again I am too up for EMDR, so we just sat and talked. Miss D (which is the name for my bp and psych specialist now) had call Mr pdocman and they had both agreed I need to be seen again earlier, making an appointment for next Wednesday and I should stop the prozac. Here’s the secret though, I’m taking a prozac tomorrow and then stopping because I can’t deal with a comedown around family who already think I’m on drugs but apparently stopping the prozac will make for a mighty crash into depression and I should be prepared for that with the come off prozac, so that’s fun. But I should be put on a mood stablizer on Wednesday but from what I know and I know I don’t know a lot, isn’t it usually a mood stablizer AND an anti depressant so wouldn’t it make sense to keep taking the prozac and then add a mood stablizer? But whatever. I don’t know the ins and outs of medication.

I’ve dyed my hair red though (photos on my photo blog: http://myobviouslittlesecretsphotos.wordpress.com/)

I’m seeing my sister,¬† 2 maybe¬† brothers and possibly one of their gfs and my niece. My aunt and uncle aren’t coming so that makes for some awkward conversation. Just don’t bring up any drug addictions. But yes, give me the blackberry so I can have it and bbm because that’ll be funny. Possibly. Not if I’m depressed.

Mania, rapid cycling and facebook.

fbmaniaA question asked on facebook by my sister. That’s mania for you. Up and down. Up and down. Like a Yo-Yo, fucking prozac. I don’t know if it will level out but it’s been depressed 70% of the time and hypo/mania 30% with some mixed episodes intermittedly. But now it’s more depression 50% of the time and hypo/mania 50% of the time and well, is that good or bad? The way it’s levelling out. It’s levelling more to the manic side and during the exams is that a good thing because hypomania is the perfect revision mood or is it bad because mania is the worst exam taking and revision mood. This is what I ponder and well, as my first exam has seemingly went either really well or really badly depending which two of my recolections are correct. So i don’t know whether it’s going to stay sort of 50/50 or go more mania. It’s like the glasses prediciment. I need glasses but my eye sight has dramatically improved since last year (because that makes sense, right?) but my optician said that we have to becareful it doesn’t go too far one way and go into minuses. Whatever that means because plus is plus lenses so you need additional help on your sight. What’s minuses? Taking some of your eyes cells out because you’ve now got xray vision. That doesn’t sound so bad.

Update: My older brother liked what my sister said on facebook. He obviously agrees. Sweet, really. My family now think I take drugs…

I have an odd sense of pride on that. BECAUSE IT’S A NATURAL HIGH, BITCHES. YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS TYPE OF HIGH BUT I DON’T. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck, it’s Sunday. What? What is going on? How is it Sunday already!

Also, I am never going to history again. My history teacher sent me work. HE ACTUALLY GOT MY ADDRESS AND WROTE IT ON AN ENVELOPE AND SENT ME WORK. He is the only teacher to do that and I am seriously scared of him right now. Yes it’s helpful, yadayadayadayada. But no. It’s fucking creepy and he needs to get his boundaries set because he is going over any reasonable set.

The end of mental health week.

Mental Health Awareness week: “Each year the Mental Health Foundation uses this week in the calendar to work with people and organisations across the UK to help raise awareness of important public mental health issues which are often neglected. Previous years have seen innovative campaigns raising awareness of topics such as ‚ÄėFear and Anxiety‚Äô, ‚ÄėLoneliness‚Äô and ‚ÄėSleep.‚Äô ” 13/5/13 to the 17/5/13

I had my first exam today and well, i thought I might fall asleep in the exam so I had some caffiene and that sent me into a high episode and I got told off twice in the exam, to be honest I was lucky I didn’t get disqualified. I was tapping my pen against the table and then I was fidgeting a lot with my chair. I don’t know how well I did in the exam, I remember thinking I did brilliantly but looking back, probably not because I didn’t write a lot.

I have two exams next week, one on Tuesday, afternoon and RE which I feel I don’t really need to revise because I know enough, but I will probably revise a little bit. Then on Thursday, afternoon I have an English exam. Yes, the exam time is upon us.

I had a second session with the bp and psychosis specialist, except it wasn’t exactly EMDR as we didn’t have time because it took time to calm me down from the high episode but she talked about rescripting the worst flashback and I’ve always liked the idea of a gun which I don’t think she was too pleased about but hey. She also said she would email the psychiatrist to tell him about the prozac and I think her saying she saw me in a high-ish episode will carry a lot of weight and MAYBE get me closer to a fucking diagnosis. She even thinks I need a mood stablizer so maybe that’ll be the next port of call and hopefully that’ll work better. She told me that if by the end of next week, my mood is still rapidly changing I should call the psychiatrist.

Peace.

Blog for Mental Health 2013

Mental health awareness, an issue near and dear to my heart, is being put in the spotlight with the “Blog for Mental Health 2013″ theme, being passed from blog to blog at this time.  Rose recommended my blog to pledge this year.

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

I’ve had mental health issues for years and at age 10 suffered from depression, anorexia and several impluse and anxiety disorders. I would say I am in recovery of my eating disorder but have found that if I am away from home, in a stressful environment I tend to fall back into eating disorder habits. Anxiety disorder developed into panic attacks at age 14 but continued for only a month and somehow faded out on their own.

At age 15, I developed insonmnia due to nightmares at the same time as I developed mood swings. I am still suffering with this since the insomnia seems resistant to medication based treatment and the nightmares continue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and currently am being assessed for bipolar disorder but have problems with my psychiatrist which means I am not being treated for this properly.

This pledge is my opportunity to commit to mental health awareness. I can publicly display this badge to instantly tell my audience what this is all about. I encourage others within the mental health community to do the same.

This is not an award, but merely a mention of bloggers who I believe are true to intimately blogging about the struggles they have with mental health.  I would like to invite five others to pledge to Blog for Mental Health 2013:

Bipolar on Fire

Living With BPD

bipolar2dad

laurennjade

knitting whilst manic

A special shout-out also to Canvas of the Minds for the coordination of this event!

Now, let’s get blogging!

blogformentalhealth20131