Heart issues and hypothyroidism

Before I started lithium I had a blood test and ECG. Blood test was fine and ECG came back saying I had a short PR interval. I had another ECG after I started lithium and my PR interval had lengthened and I was told the lithium could do that. I had another ECG but the results got lost and then another one and I heard nothing about it until I get a letter saying that I needed to wait for a letter for a 24 hour ECG. Why??? Is what I wondered. My dad spoke to my psychiatrist and she said that the cardiologist had recommended it. When I had an appointment over a week ago I asked her what the problem actually is and do you know what she said to me? “Unspecific heart issue” WHAT?? So that’s a thing I have to wait for. She also later changed the opinion of the lithium causing this issue saying that it didn’t cause it but I don’t understand how my heart was okay off the lithium but now I have an issue…

This is kind of up in the air as I’ve been told that this 24 hour ECG is mainly so they get a clear picture of my heart in a day to see if these “hiccups” are normal. I don’t know.

In England, we have this thing called the lithium registry and what I was told was supposed to happen is they are supposed to send you a letter and a bag (to put your bloods in to get sent to the lithium registry lab) usually every 3 months but if your dose is upped you have it 5 days afterwards. So I had a blood test for 600mg and I got my labs sent to me. My level was 0.65 which isn’t high enough actually for ‘acute’ treatment but is in a range a psychiatrist wants it to be. Now my thyroid levels to explain in case you don’t know.

You have a pitutary gland in your brain which sends TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) to your thyroid to make your thyroid produce T3 and T4 hormones and T4 is the one that was measured in my blood test now TSH is usually higher when your T4 level is lower because your thyroid isn’t working well so the hormone is sent to try and get it working more and that is hypothyroidism. The opposite is true of hyperthyroidism – T4 high and TSH low.

So getting these results back in paper form with very little explanation. So I looked it up and I find out about hypothyroidism so I go to symptoms and the symptoms I had brushed off as being part of winter or a lithium side effect are actually hypothyroidism. For example, one of the first symptoms I got was sensitivity to cold. I was freezing all the time. Joint pain which also worsened my hand pain I’d gotten from other things but it worsened it. I’m pretty sure it’s also slowed my healing down. I hurt my toe a month ago by dropping a stool on it. I bruised the bone and cut the skin. It has been a literal month and the cut on my toe hasn’t even healed yet.

Now if you go on ANY website and look at the causes of hypothyroidism lithium is one of them. Lithium actually the number one example of a medication that causes hypothyroidism. So I asked my psychiatrist what we are going to do and she said basically that it happened too fast to be caused by the lithium but we’ll see what the level is next time.

Now here’s where I’m fucked around:

Heart: The psychiatrist sent my dad a letter saying that if we took this letter down the ECG department at the hospital they would fit the 24 hr ECG there and then. We went today and you can’t do that for 24 hr ECG so that was a waste of time and really frustrating because we could have booked the appointment over the phone last week. Now I have to wait until April.

Thyroid: The psychiatrist told us 5 days after a dose is upped we will get a letter from the lithium registry asking for another blood test. We didn’t get one so when we saw the psychiatric nurse she called the lithium registry who told us we weren’t going to have one until May (3 months) and so now I have to wait even longer for the psychiatrist to write a letter asking for a thyroid test which shouldn’t take long but she for some reason is taking very long with it.

If that test comes back with saying my hypothyroidism is the same or worse then I have to go to my GP and ask them what they think I should do.

So at the moment, my mental health is still kinda depressed with swings into irritability now and again but otherwise I just am really tired with no energy. Thanks lithium.

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The New Year

I feel like writing a post about a suicide attempt and then not writing another post for a while is rude and disconcerting so this is the post that will let you know my current state of mind and what I think and hopefully it’s not all ramblings. But this isn’t a structured post. Not that my other ones are either but this is just me writing what’s flowing through my mind.

I find it difficult to find someone I can actually talk to. See I’m offered help a lot. Promise of an email or whatever and it never comes through which is fine and I’ll tell you why: I won’t know the truth. In the past I’ve told my dad, my ex girlfriend and my best friends how I’ve felt. I don’t know how to describe exactly what it’s like but with  my dad the reaction I get is pretty much the equivalent of someone sticking their fingers in their ear and going “nyah nyah nyah” at the top of their lungs. With my ex girlfriend, who by the way made the offer to be there for me, it’s more like talking to cleverbot since I can predict the answer I’m going to get before I get it and those two responses are: “Oh okay” and “that sucks” and with my best friends which is mainly EC and KE, they try – God bless them do they try but it’s difficult since we’re in a 2-days-between-responses type relationship so two days later they’re overreacting about the suicide attempt I’m trying to put behind me but they’re not always great at it and my thing is that I’m usually pretty open with my mental illness if I plan on keeping you in my life. I do this because I form attachments fast and I put people on a pedestal but then my first depressive episode or seriously bad depressive episode, at least, and I run the risk of “this is not what I signed up for”.

I met my ex girlfriend and my two best friends via tumblr where I’d pretty much laid bare the problems I had, in fact one of my best friends found me from a post I made about the psychiatric hospital I stayed at and so there were no tricks. No hidden secrets. They were getting  a mentally ill, sometimes suicidal friend. My dad, just by virtue of becoming a parent was signing up to that as well. When you have kids you sign up to any disability they have and any sexuality they have or gender. When you have a child you sign up to all of it and sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don’t but they’re your children. Don’t have kids if you can’t imagine having a bipolar daughter or a gay son or a trans child. Just don’t.

Anyway, so this wasn’t a “I didn’t sign up for this situation” and if I have a friend, like I did in college who signed up for the reasonably nice, sweary, hoodies wearing girl but a few months later got the bipolar girl who later turned into some she didn’t even recognize and at that point I felt the friendship slipping away and I let it. I don’t believe that people should stay with someone when something they didn’t sign up for happens – at least not when that someone is me.

Which is why it immensely pisses me off that I still do not have anyone to fucking talk to. Every negative feeling I have shushed or quelled. I don’t want these feels to be quietened down – even though I know you mean well. I want them to be validated. God, I’ll even say it. I want help.

It’s very likely I’m to blame. I went off my medication because I didn’t like the depressed episodes whilst on the medication and it is my fault because I’m stubborn and childish and when my psychiatrist ignored me when I told he feeling depressed still and maybe subconsciously I did it as a ‘fuck you’ to her but that’s a massive maybe. I know I thought at the time that stopping them would allow hypomania to come back and I don’t know whether I’d still feel as awful on the medication as I do off it because not all of these symptoms are bipolar – some are psychological and as much as it pains me to admit it, it’s true. Whether I’d be abused or not, I don’t think anyone could have gone through the last 3 years I’ve had and not come out with some psychological issues. I mean isolation alone is enough to drive any one mad.

I go between wanting to kill myself and wanting to smash my surroundings and I go between the two a lot as my broken glasses which I threw at the wall will prove. I’m irritable and depressed and in pain (physical and mental) and I’m worrying the wrong people.

So my plan? Well the way I see it is I have two options: self implosion or calling my psychiatrist. Believe me I had to give it some serious thought.

At the end of it though I came out with that I will have to call my psychiatrist and see how that goes.

Suicide Attempt – no. I’ve-Lost-Count

I tried to commit suicide – again.

As you know for many months I’ve been depressed. On or off medication. I’m always so fucking depressed. I self harm and that makes no difference, I drug myself with diazepam snorting or orally taking which I eventually stopped because that didn’t help. I’m also so goddamn lonely. I’ve known for a while I’m at tipping point and having somewhere safe was kinda my saving grace.

What happened?

The laptop I currently have is shit so I ordered a new one and I, because of my social anxiety, wanted it to be delivered but my dad said to just reserve it and we’d pick it up. So I did. When we went to pick it up, it wasn’t ready so I wandered off to the laptops to try and find the one I was purchasing (I found it), my dad eventually joined me and I asked how long until the laptop was ready and he said he didn’t know and that one of the floor guys was going to bring it to us. So this guy did and he took it to my dad and my dad called me over and the guy asked me questions like what I was using it for? My social anxiety probably made the annoyance I felt more profound but I reserved the laptop – I know what I’m looking for. He then asked me if I wanted them to set it up and I said no because I just wanted to leave. The guy then said it’s an extra £35 for this back up USB thing (I said no) and then my dad started going on about how “that’s how they get you” and I told him I’d explain what it is in the car and I was getting short now because he wouldn’t stop. Once we were out of the shop and in the car I was okay.

We got home and my dad carried it in and placed it on the table and began to unwrap it. That pissed me off because number one: it’s my fucking laptop that I paid for so what gives you the right to undo it? Number 2: they were undoing all the leaflets and wires and then I had to carry it all upstairs when I could have just taken it inside the box so I asked why they opened it when it would have been easier to carry in the box and my dad began to put it away so I asked him why and then I wandered to the stairs whilst muttering “I’m not in the mood” which is when he violently started putting everything back in the box. My brother left after that knowing an argument was starting. To sum up the argument – my dad told me I made everyone’s life hell and that I had to pack my bags because I’m moving out.

Magnified since I left school, I feel like a burden to everyone. That I’ve changed into a short, snippy, bitter person with no appreciation for others and I hate myself. I mean not just hate my figure or some physical attribute of myself – I hate my personality. Then my dad who was essentially throwing me out brought to mind how my mum did the pretty much exact same thing. One parent does it, it’s bad parenting. Two parents do it, you’re the problem. Not getting any replies from my friends when I asked if I could stay with them and homeless shelters looking like a bad option and not wanting to inflict myself on others I grabbed the handful of queitapine, a blood pressure tablet of my dad’s and a diazepam to help me sleep and took it all.

My brother came in after a while and I was slurring my words and at that moment my dad returned from returning the laptop. They took me to hospital (with great difficultly since I could barely stand) and I ended up throwing up in the car park. Once we got in, my blood pressure was taken and I was given an ECG – my heart was showing problems. I then had to wait to be seen and I lied and said I took the overdose by accident (doctors believe any fucking thing you tell them). With great difficult they put in a line for a saline drip and took some blood (out of my wrist since they couldn’t find a vein) but then they said they wanted me to stay over night for observation, we’d already been there 4 hours it was getting to 8pm. I discharged myself then.

I regret that action. I’ve had chest pains all day and I don’t know if it’s anything serious and I just don’t like being on my own. I hate myself for company. Think of sitting in a room with your worst enemy but you can never ever be away from them – they’re everywhere.

I’m obviously alive but I in no way want to be but I’m so much of a screw up I fail at my own fucking suicide. Now I’m just in this place where I want to be dead but I don’t want to be the one doing the killing. I don’t think I’m safe on my own any more and I don’t have the mental capacity to be with others. I’m just so fucking depressed. There is literally no other way to describe it. I just want to die. Living with me is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I probably thought this last year but I wish last year me with the fancy personality would come and punch no personality in the face. Then I wish present self would punch like 13 year old me and then present me goes and punches future me in the face. Then future me punches present me in the face. I feel like that would be a good recompense and also an awesome movie.

Stuck in the dark abyss, I went and drank half a can of lager and felt a little less depressed.

I have no plans on killing myself again. I swear.

Holiday Blues

I’ve noticed that there are two different types of holiday blues. The ones before Christmas and the ones after. The one before Christmas tends to be worse up until Christmas day with a rapid decline in the ‘blues feelings’ boxing day and it continues to decline up to someone normal baseline or there are the people who like the general feeling of Christmas and once it’s over, they kind of realise that the year is just downhill after this and they get the blues. I’m in the latter group, I spent Christmas day (and the days before) hypomanic and now I think I’m just on a slow spiral into depression and maybe I’m not suffering so much from the holiday blues as I am from depression itself but I’d rather entertain the idea that there will be some epiphany where I realise that just because the holidays are over doesn’t mean things still can’t be great and then I snap out of the ‘blues’ and I’m okay.

Unfortunately this is not how it tends to work. I’ll be depressed until hypomania takes over again. I’ll be hypomanic until I get depressed again… the cycle continues and some days the cycle is nice. It gives me some variety – helps me break up my days. When it’s hypomania into depression – not so nice.

I’m sad Christmas is over because it means that the new year is coming and in previous years that wasn’t so daunting. It was basically a mark in my life saying “you’re over the hump for this school year” and that a few more months and the school year was over and congrats! One year closer to the end of school. The way I left school was kind of anti-climatic and there was no ‘end’ – everything just kind of fizzled out and the year kind of dredged on and I lived on the hope that I’d find something or something would come along and that’s ‘fix’ everything for me and it’s childish hope and I know in the back of my mind that the real world doesn’t work like that. The real world sucks and there’s nothing to be done about it. But I still hope that something will come along and it’ll help me sort something in my life out.

Nocturnal

I recently learned that I prefer emails and writing blogs to instant messaging. I never thought I’d say that. But I find that if you write an email or a blog then the conversation is really changed. In an email, at least the ones I write, the first paragraph of a reply is the reply to your first paragraph so there could be multiple topics in the email but they can all be answered to and with a blog, the comments are usually about the blog that has been written. I find that either I’ve lost my personality, my ability to make conversation or people have become just plain ignorant and so instant messaging is boring and the conversation is easily changed.

Which is kind of my problem. I’ve been (at least internally) begging for someone to talk to but honestly, it doesn’t seem like anyone cares. I tell a mentor on a chat website specifically there to help with mental health problems, she will change the subject to herself. I talk to my friend an “okay” is the best I can get. My dad either doesn’t listen so he can pretend it doesn’t exist or he just does not care but when I do my next stupid thing and let’s face it, I have a next stupid thing in my future. I bet you Every. Single. One. of them will say “Ohh why didn’t you say something?” – I tried. You just wouldn’t listen.

Anyway, so I did a grown up thing on Wednesday. A Christmas party. I haven’t had a Christmas party in years and they were usually last day of school and was just Christmas music and snacks – they were rockin’ times. But this was an adult Christmas party which even though at a pizza place was still a big thing for me. For the days beforehand I was honestly stressing, unfortunately when I get stressed I jump immediately to the ultimate exit clause – suicide. But I kept putting myself down, calling myself a coward and in a twisted way it worked. I didn’t do anything but suicidal idealization is pretty much my only coping mechanism at the moment.

The Christmas party went better than expected. The social interaction wasn’t so tough but it reminded me of when I was younger and I was quite literally the life of the party but I got through it and well, the eating in front of people was hard but mainly because IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) means that I can’t eat large meals and this was a full sized plate pizza so I used the skills I developed when I had an eating disorder to make it look like I had eaten more than I had… Turns out there can be a healthy-ish use to those skills.

For desert I was full but had one scoop of vanilla ice cream and when the leader asked what we had she called mine boring and I’ll explain my problem with that…

I then had to walk home whilst everyone else was picked up and it kind of annoyed me because when I was 17, I couldn’t walk home alone. Wasn’t allowed out in the dark basically. But now I’m 18, no concern. But it’s whatever.

Now my problem with the desert this is ???? I don’t actually know I was just so personally offended and it was a kinda drastic thing to get offended about and this isn’t the first time so recently I’ve been questioning my bipolar diagnosis. Whether it is bipolar or borderline personality disorder or both? There’s a massive overlap in symptoms though but just my recent problems with relationships kind of highlights the possibility of me having it and plus all the “dissociative” symptoms that keep getting tossed off as PTSD and yet when I google to find ONE sources backing it up even one lousy forum post – nothing. I thought about bringing it up with my psychiatrist but some days bipolar is a better fit. It is possible to have both but BPD’s main treatment option is therapy and I won’t do that so I guess in this case: what’s in the label?

Right now I haven’t slept and I really want to but I have plans with my brother since he has a half day of school (go to mcDonalds because we live the wild life) and no matter what time I go to bed or what time I get up, I still can’t go to sleep until about 11am now. Which is why I apologise for how this might sound because I am working on four hours sleep about 19hrs ago so I’m tired as hell.

Christmas Prep

I’ve always wondered whether I am a good person? How do you even quantify that? If you ask me right this second whether I consider myself a good person I’d say I wasn’t and I’d probably end up on Santa’s naughty list and not the adult naughty list where they get vibrators and edible underwear for Christmas but the naughty list where a lump of coal is in your future.

I haven’t been having a good time recently. Following with my close friends I got into the Christmas spirit November 1st and I ordered my Christmas presents for people and I thought about the decorations but recently that ‘Christmas Spirit’ switch in my brain has been put from the on position, past the off position and into the “let’s blow it up position”. Call it an episode, I have been. But this particular episode was ‘switched on’ by some perceived slight comment from my brother to which I gathered up all the presents I bought (which ended up being a lot of money since some were bought during mania) and put them in the bin and then set about taking down the very ill looking tree to which my dad stopped me and I went up stairs in a temper and ripped open a friend’s present to me where the deal was we’d open it on skype together.

After about 2 hours I calmed down but I’d already told my friend I’d opened it and you can’t get back a message once you’ve sent it. I was worried she’d be mad at me so I went onto a chat support site and let me just sum up by saying that the women I talked to on there is really not helpful and she’s supposed to be a mentor – it’s kinda pathetic to be honest with you.

I then sent my friend, EJ (the same EJ who is my ex-girlfriend) an apology and she accepted it. I was glad.

Anyway, as you know I have odd hours for sleeping and so when I woke up this afternoon I was feeling too worn out from sleeping to read it so I waited until that evening and we discussed it and it was okay. Now here’s where things start to go bad again.

So for probably two months, EJ has had a problem with some girl at school and it recently flared up and for about 2 weeks I have been listening to her rant everyday. She’s rang me at least 4 times about it, each time lasting over an hour. That’s four hours of my life I’ll never get back. Facebook and over the phone. But we’re trying to be friends and I like to think I try my best to be a decent friend and I listened.

My mood has been up and down but usually the ‘down’ bit is as exactly as the title describes. Down. Depressed. Withdrawn. I’d withdraw from my friends if I felt bad but recently paranoia has reared it’s ugly little head and that tends to get me riled up and so I went to her and told her about what happened the night before with Christmas and that I was near killing myself last night and you know the fucking reply I got?! “that sucks”

“That sucks”.

“That sucks” is a reply for when you spill cola all over your brand new dress. “That sucks” is a reply for when you fall over and twist your ankle. “That sucks” is the reply for when your phone breaks. “That sucks” is not a reply for someone admitting they’ve been feeling suicidal.

I don’t admit I feel suicidal on a one to one basis often. I will write about it on my blogs but I will rarely even message someone and say “I feel suicidal” or “I’ve been feeling suicidal” or “Last night I felt suicidal” and this is a goddamn reminder as to why I should keep it to myself.

The fact is I’ve been feeling badly about this friendship since it begun and she proves over and over again it’s time to end it but I’ve never been good at getting myself out of toxic relationships as evidenced by my family.

How am I feeling right now at 3:45am on 12/12/14? Down. But just depressed down. I feel like the moods which have begun to cycle every few hours have evened to every few days.

I’ve been thinking about this documentary I watched about bipolar disorder called “Of Two Minds” on netflix and it’s triggering so I wouldn’t watch it if you’re in a sensitive place but it takes a look at a group of people with bipolar disorder at various stages of their treatment. Some are just the families and one family is of a girl who committed suicide but there is this Jewish family (or at least the mother is Jewish as far as I know) and the daughter who has bipolar now writes magazine articles and youtube videos about it. Her name is Liz Spikol and she is pretty much my idol now. She’s pretty, she’s clever, she bisexual and she writes magazine articles that can include her disorder and I think it’s pretty inspirational.

Another burning question on all yours minds is probably: what, if anything, are you doing for Christmas?

Well my original plan was to become Santa (or at least one of Santa’s elves) but I’m kind of at the stage of just burning the Christmas tree down and making a pillow fort and never coming out of it. But instead I have to go to a pizza Christmas dinner next Wednesday, my brother’s are coming down (and possibly my niece) two weeks 21st December, maybe 22nd which means I have to clean my fucking room because my niece will probably want to come up. Pretend to be jolly Christmas day and see if I can find an alcohol I really like and then get wasted on it but that’s an “if I can find nice tasting alcohol” because so far I haven’t. How about you?

As for my overall mental state. Not great. Still hallucinating but I can’t talk to anyone about that. Depressed and can’t talk to many people about that. Angry and paranoid but that doesn’t really need to be talked about because I so overtly express it. Dissociation hasn’t been as bad but I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Maybe to survive I need to go through life with bouts of dissociation to escape reality and survive.

I don’t know if I’ll make it through Christmas in one piece.

Hope

I always feel like I’m looking for something that’ll make me feel less empty. I’ll listen to music and I’ll read books and I’ll spend hours hopelessly searching for other books and music and a TV shows to make me feel better and for short amounts of time it works. If it didn’t work at all I probably wouldn’t continue but things works for short amount of time. A Fall Out Boy song. A book with a character that relates to me. Same with TV. But I know, deep down, that what I’m looking for isn’t on amazon or itunes but it’s a friend. A real life, good friend. It sounds simple but it’s really not.

I’ve found that the people who get where I’m coming from also tend to be mentally ill themselves because I find it’s those people who, like myself, are the most lonely. But I don’t interact with many people like that. In fact I don’t interact with many people period. The people I do interact with, I am terrible at keeping up contact. Even more so now.

Which then, when you get into the state I am currently in, begs the question: do I deserve friends? I mean I care about everyone I talk to but I don’t keep up with them as best I could. But people deserve better.

I’ve been thinking about the mental hospital recently, I try to avoid thinking about it because I feel a lot of guilt for leaving. I know that had I had stayed I’d probably be a lot happier now and I would have made some sort of friends, I mean really it was my perfect setting. People who were just like me. Teenagers who self harmed and were depressed and listened to the same stuff I did and realised the use of trash day time television.

Every so often for short amounts of time, I lose hope over whether I will actually feel better and I don’t always mean conditionwise because even in my stable periods (as small and as fleeting as they are) I still feel empty and sad but what I realise during those moment is how important hope is. Hope comes and goes but without hope we would seriously give up and that would be one of the worst things to happen.

 

Anti-psychotics soothe the soul.

This is going to be a quick entry, hopefully. I am very tired. It’s a year anniversary for my blog which I guess should have been the title but that is not as big news.

So the paranoia. It got worse. Accusing people, thinking my dad was poisoning me, massive conspiracies. It had it all. When I finally saw my psychiatrist after many weeks, she said it was dissociative paranoia and I googled it hoping to find support pages and lots of info. It came up with information but not related to dissociative paranoia as itself but as part of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m annoyed this diagnosis comes up when I google for other symptoms. I did discover though, that it is a part of Complex PTSD. Which is still up for debate among psychiatrists but it makes more sense it is that rather that BPD. Complex PTSD (or C-PTSD) makes more sense and so I assume it’s to do with that.

But the psychiatrist put me onto an anti-psychotic anyway. Quetiapine (Seroquel) 100mg. It didn’t seem like the psychiatrist was giving it me because she thought it was the right course of action. I think she was giving it me to shut my dad up. Which… idk whether it’s helping. Just due to a side effect I have got from the quetiapine is extreme tiredness (and dry mouth). I was to sleep all the time I can’t keep my eyes open one hour after taking it and I’m exhausted throughout the day. So I don’t know whether the brief episodes of paranoia have lessened (I’m still getting mild episodes that last a few hours) because I’m too tired or the anti-psychotic is working. I have dissociated after nightmares though but not in a paranoia kinda way.

Next thing is I joined a youth group. Well 2 actually. Not so much as an actual person who goes but more as a mentor and we have our own name and we’re getting tshirts and we were supposed to come up with roles over facebook chat but we haven’t done that but probably best to do it on Wednesday. I have girls group where I’m a mentor on Tuesdays and on Wednesdays I have Voice group which I’m not entire sure how that goes because I was too tired to go to this weeks. Which is both because of the quetiapine and my trip into the city on Monday for buying clothes *cough* bought 2 items of clothes and spent all the other money on graphic novels and DVDs *cough* which I did by myself and found out my bus pass is working so yay.

I fell out with a friend but apologised to an old one which I may have already mentioned but things seem to be going well. I think I’m still a little hesitant because I did majorly fuck up where our friendship was concerned. Yeah, it was due to an uncontrollable part of my mental illness(es) but still.

The school conversation came up again. I know. Annoying. But basically they said it was open for me and my time table is Monday 9-5pm (what a way to make a livin’) Thursday and Friday 11-4pm. Monday is bad. Just ugh. I mean I don’t want to go to school anyway but how is this not a major coincidence that my school timetable works around my youth group?! It’s just so weird. My dad kept reiterating I could do what I want and he’d support me but he’d prefer me going back to school so just to get him off my back I said I’d go which I won’t be able to manage especially since I’d have to go off the quetiapine to be able to do it which’ll probably bring back the paranoia so I don’t know. But it just seems everything works out really well. So I said I guess I would but when it came to actually calling the person to tell them I’d be in, my dad seemed to have lost all interest and would only try one number and no other number. It pissed me off so I said I’m not going and then I said I was and I don’t know where we’ve left off to be honest.

But some negatives. Some positives. I’ve taken my anti-psychotic so I’m tired so I’m going to get ready for bed. This wasn’t such a short post but hey.

Psychometric Results.

A summary:

Verbal Comprehension Index – High average
Perpeptual reasoning index – Average

Working memory index – average
Processing speed index – Low average
Full Scale IQ – Average (not interpretable due to large discrepancy between the highest and lowest scores – 30 points discrepency)
General ability index – Average (optional composite summary score that is less sensitive to influence of working memory and processing speed and as working memory and processing speed are vital to comprehensive evaluation of cognitive ability General ability index does not have the coverage FSIQ has).

– I was going to write a full post about it all but I don’t think anyone would care enough to read it. So I’ll just summarise the summary.

My verbal reasoning abilities are much more developed than nonverbal reasoning abilities. My ability to sustain attention, concentration and exert mental control is in average range. Due to variability caution is recommended when interpreting scores and a closer look a individual subtests is warranted. My ability to process simple, routine visual material without making errors is in low average range when compared to peers. A closer look at subtests is recommended.

I changed my name out for first person pronouns.

Do professionals do all they can to help us?

I recently got talking to a friend about her brother who has left mainstream school due to bullying and is now being home-schooled and their mother wants to get the brother into ‘Hospital school’ like my friend went to due to her aspergers, anxiety, depression etc.

So my immediate thought when I read “hospital school” and nothing else, I thought: “Is that what [EH] went to when she was in Oakham house?” but when I read that her brother might get in there, I researched it. They tend to find some students in psychiatric hospitals but mainly students who are too ill to go to mainstream school go there. Since I’d never been recommended I thought it was just for compulsory education which at the time EH was going to school would have been around the age of 16 but now for her brother would be 18. So I researched it. Turns out most of these hospital schools work up until the age of 19 which is when free education ends (allowing students who repeat a year to still get free education). People who also work with outreach can also go there and they can stay for as long as necessary. So my question is: why wasn’t I recommended? Which sounds like a childish way of looking at it but it’s true. Why was I not given that option? Why have I not been given any option? Why are they making me feel bad about not doing anything but not offering anything up for me? I know they have stuff on offer, I see them in the leaflets on the wall that they offer all this stuff up to people. The reason I never sign up for any of it is because they say “adults” and “children” – not on the same poster, on different ones and I’m not sure where I rate on that scale. So going on this point: I’d say no, they don’t do all they can to help.

As far as I see it, I’m actually being pawned off onto various people so they don’t do their work. My consultant is seeing me less and less and telling my doctor to fulfil my repeat prescription.  Miss D doesn’t have to do that emotional, PTSD, compassion, EMDR thing any more since she’s signing me off to a psychologist who is going to do CBT with me… Tangent: but did I mention the appointment with the male psychologist got cancelled and instead a few days after I was supposed to see the male psychologist, I’m seeing a female one. I can’t remember their names but that’s how I remember it. Anyway, they are also sending me for a ‘second opinion’. OH! I don’t think I mentioned that! So that’s most likely them pawning me completely off their service. So despite all these fancy words suggesting this will help me and is better. I kind of get the sneaking suspicion they want rid of me.

If I’m repeating myself, please stop me, but I really don’t think i mentioned this. They decided they needed a second opinion… But need a second opinion on what? Medication, treatment, what? It’s kind of frustrating.

 

Lost

I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling. I guess the ambiguous title of “lost” is a helpful hint as to how I am feeling but I honestly can’t describe that feeling. I think I’ve always been a bit lost and as much as I’d love to go backpacking around Europe trying to find myself, I haven’t the money so for now I’ll have to try and find myself by watching other people go on adventures.

After I almost fainted in the supermarket, prazosin which if you have forgotten I take for PTSD, I was told to try it in the morning and if that didn’t help, stop for a while. I’m still on lamotrigine, I think my dose it 175mg but I’m not entirely sure, it may be 150mg. I think lamotrigine has curbed the lowest depths of depression and the highest heights of mania but I’m still not ‘stable’ yet.

But here’s my problem: I don’t feel myself. Like if I was to stab you and then prick your finger you are unlikely to notice the pain associated with the prick. That’s how I feel in a way. To explain the anology: I feel like I have felt intense emotions (pain from being stabbed) and so to go back to ‘normal’ emotions doesn’t feel right and doesn’t have the same intensity it would for most people (prick of the finger). So I think when people say anti-depressants or mood stablizers make them feel numb, it’s not that they actually make them feel numb, they get rid of the depression and since that’s all someone has had for years, they don’t know how they’re supposed to feel so anything less is seen as a numbness and I think that’s the best way to describe how I feel.

So when I was taking the prazosin, I was actually happy when I felt nauseous or dizzy or lightheaded because I was feeling pain, a physical pain, a physical affliction that sort of tricked the brain into thinking “well no need to feel all dulled today” so when I started getting less side effects, I stopped taking it for a week so I could get the side effects back. Just to feel something in an extreme sense.

All of this kind of makes me feel like I would rather suffer through the immense pain of bipolar mood swings then not have anything at all.

I suppose all of this more paints the picture of someone emotionally numbed and confused rather than lost. But I am feeling lost. I don’t know what it is. Whether it’s the fact I don’t do anything except watch things and blog (and I can’t even keep up with this blog regularly enough), I recently go my braces off and I have buck teeth so there’s a self esteem crisis there, I don’t do a single thing that is even moderately constructive and I really don’t want to go back to school and I feel like I want to be dead. Not commit suicide. Just be dead. It’s a weird feeling.

Depression: Please Cut To The Chase

I find that no matter how many depressed episodes I have in a year or even a month, I’m constantly surprised when I end up depressed again. I find myself wondering why though…

Why do I expect different results. I once heard the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So I suppose that explains it. Usually depression is awful but it’s usually more on the psychological side but recently I find myself getting headaches, chest pain, eye twitch and coughing and like when I get any symptom I just type “[symptom] stress” into google and if stress causes it then no need to worry but add that with excessive sweating, up to the where I’m willing to diagnose myself with hyperhidrosis and submit to the treatment which is small electrical currents through water onto your hands. Guess another trip to the doctor is in order. I guess it could be a side effect but I’ve always had a problem with excessively sweaty hands but now my feet are involved it’s time to say no.

Which brings me, in a round about way, to my next point: have you ever insisted medication isn’t the way to go?

I’m not a big believer in mediating. I’m a big believer in medicating. But I think the medication I believe in are the ones that give you highs. I’ve been slowly reducing my lamotrigine dose because I really don’t want to take it anymore. I think what leads me there is several things, but the main one? I like being bipolar Not in a “I wish this on people, it’s awesome” sort of way. Just it’s hard to imagine a life where your emotions aren’t felt so deeply where a natural high doesn’t happen at least one every 4 months, I mean when you get a high a lot of people would pay to have, can you just turn your back on it?

I think that’s why having someone to coach you through it is important. I say this but I’ve been cancelling my appointments with my psych nurse and why? Well 2 reasons. One she wants to do benefit stuff and I don’t want to because I don’t think I should get payment when I am technically well enough to get a part time job (despite the fact everyone I know disagrees) and two, I don’t trust her. I just don’t. I think she treats me with kid gloves because she doesn’t like my dad and then makes discreet jabs about him and if my sister and I fall out because she called him a tw** then I am going to fall out with someone I barely know and is supposed to be helping me.

I found a chart recently:

tumblr_n3t3yroYbY1qcrju6o1_1280Now based on this scale I’ll say I’m a 2 and as far as I’m concerned, there’s a whole continent between 2 and 1 and if I’m talking about Europe here with Russia being 1 and UK being 2, I’d put myself in Poland with a horrible long treck waiting to cross Russia. Whether the treck actually happens is what I’m debating myself right now.  I’d just wish depression would cut to the chase and stick in one state of discontent.

Happy Easter.

I really don’t know where to begin with this blog. I guess I’ll start with HAPPY EASTER! I know it’s 1am-ish where I am but the though is still there.

Next I will move onto pills. I don’t actually know my doses, I just kind of take whatever pills I’m handed. For all I know I could be being poisoned. Lamotrigine has taken the edge of mania but when I was on my last dose, it didn’t do much for depression. I had a good bout of hypomania (hence the lack of blogging) but I feel it’s over now. One day I’ll show case my amazing art work from hypomania but today is not that day. I think I’m sinking into the depths of depression again *sighs* and I wish I could say I was ready. I’m ready for a few days but then it kind of hits you like a hurricane and you’re like “well this is awful” and well if this medication works, I’ll be all the better for it. As for the prozasin, it works on the trauma based nightmares like the nightmares that are second for second repeating past traumas but as for the normal nightmares which I now realise I get a lot, they make them more vivid and since they haven’t already happened, I can convince myself they’re not real but when I think of my past history of deja vu… It gets disconcerting at times.

Next to the list of things I’m looking forward to: Orphan Black coming back on the TV, Teen Wolf in June, getting paid for some jobs I did for my dad, seeing EH again, hopefully seeing my favourite author next year in London (Progress series 😉 ), buying house MD and watching it. I don’t know. I guess there’s a lot of things to look forward to when you’re on that path between depression and mania and hoping that the scales tip back into your favour. Best to be using that positive energy whilst you still have it.

Now onto this nightmare week. I will warn before you read this, this has a lot of mention of harm to a person (could be classed as self harm), emotional abuse and I should probably warn for violence too.

So I don’t know whether I ever mentioned that at one time I was on a teen depression site, this was when I was just getting used to my illness and at first thought “kids my age will get it” but then after signing up to a bipolar site run by the same company that people with bipolar get it more than kids my age. Anyway, I still get friend requests despite the fact I haven’t been on in a long time and I got a friend request and since his username contained my city name, I was intrigued. So I went on and I said what I say to all people who add me “hey, thanks for the add. You okay?” and we started talking, exchanged emails and then the site shut down. Yes. It actually shut down this week. But it was okay because we had each other’s email. Then we exchanged kik usernames which if you don’t know what kik is it’s an instant messaging service and it shows when a message has sent, delivered and been read. Sort of like the facebook messaging service. We got on and he was annoying flirty and then he says he loves me and well firstly, I at this current moment in time prefer people who present themselves more feminine like genders closer to girls so I was annoyed a little but can’t help your emotions I guess. So I was prepared to get over it. Plus I was a little scared as he had a criminal record for ABH and was in a gang and had anger problems.. So I was willing to let it slide.

Here’s where it all goes wrong.

He tells me he’s going to have a ‘wet dream’ about me and I tell him that’s inappropriate, I don’t like him in that way and then he starts sending these annoying as hell emoticons of sad faces, if I could punch an emoticon, I would have punched. every. single. one and threatening to commit suicide because I didn’t let him do what he wanted – well obviously he can dream about what he likes, just I don’t want him telling me. So after a while of threatening to commit suicide and threatening to cut his wrists, I text JLS who I haven’t spoken to in weeks mainly because it was stressing me out and I needed to gossip and vent and by the end I told him to do what he wants, it’s his body. If he wants to die, it’s his choice. Harsh? Heartless? All of the above? Probably. I think I was the one to stop talking but continued talking about it with JLS. I knew he wasn’t going to commit suicide, he was very obviously doing it to manipulate me as he began to blame me for him self harming and him going to commit suicide. I expected him not to talk to me the next morning. He did. So I obviously, being a smart ass, said “oh, so you’re not dead then.” – How many of you want to slap me right now? Well it gets worse. I say they he can’t just ignore what happened last night and he said he didn’t remember. I had saved the screen shots I was sending to JLS so I sent them to him and eventually he remembered and I forgave him because apparently I can put up with that sort of mental manipulation and emotional abuse. Side note: he also threatened to beat up my friends.

Now to understand this next bit, I need to explain something about what happened on the night he threatened to commit suicide, he kept saying bye to me and eventually changed his kik name to “bye bye bye bye” and when I asked him why he said “cus I did” and that pissed me off. So back to today, I changed my name to “Paris – Saying Goodbye<3” and that, in all honesty, was a reference to a song I was listening to. So he said “your name whose it about?” and I said “none of your business” so at first he said “is it about a friend?” “no” and then he starts to list a bunch of animals. I ask if he thinks it’s about him and I said it wasn’t (but it was PERFECT timing) Then after I joked it was about dinosaurs, I thought that was the end. Then he says “black people monkeys” and I sit there thinking “is that a breed of monkeys?” Autocorrect? His dyslexia? So I ask. He then goes off on a racist ranting saying how he “wants to kill all black people”, it’s not like he said a racist slur which is bad but when you call people out on them, they tend to stop using them but he went straight to Hitler and genocide. I really lost it at that point. I seem to be able to take anything against me but when it comes to something like this, that’s it. So still continuing to send screen shots of the conversation to JLS and she encourages me, we begin to argue. I said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and that I was going to block him so he starts saying he’ll start cutting and he goes on and on and on and on and on and eventually I get really tired of it. So when he sends me a screen shot of him holding a knife to his stomach, threatening to stab himself. I sit there and I’m not proud of this, say “do it.” He didn’t do it, I was 100% sure he wouldn’t. He did attest to breaking a wall though but it seems to me he’s a pathological liar and manipulator so I took with a pinch of salt. All the while sending these chats to JLS and I probably should have blocked him then but damn it to Hell! I needed to have the last word. It’s like a damn illness. So we argued, I mainly called him a prick. Then when I said “that’s it I’m blocking you” he went grovelling and making me feel guilty which is when JLS said it was time to block him. So I did.but see, I just couldn’t not tell people. I was stressed and I really needed to tell people and so I told… basically all my friends… and everyone on this blog…. and everyone on my tumblr blog but see one of my friends either has the best faith in people or is extremely cynical but she wanted some screen shots of the conversation as proof and since I had deleted all the ones I took for JLS, I had to unblock him to get the chat back to take the screen shots.

When I unblocked him, all the chat messages started coming in that he sent after I blocked him. See, if I just had ignored the messages I wouldn’t have gotten into another argument but he basically said he was going back to prison and it was my fault and I was confused and intrigued. So obviously I asked him. He says it’s because of the knife thing. So I told him that wouldn’t mean prison. That means mental hospital. Another argument ensues. Including him calling me a “hoe”. Charming, right? Anyway, blocked again. See the thing is with emotional abusers they get right under your skin, so you worry. I worried he was going to commit suicide, so I felt like I needed to keep a line of communication open which resulted in a lot of blocking, unblocking, ignoring, arguing. But JLS, EH, Scruffy (nickname) and the rest of you are thinking the same thing as them I bet, I should just leave him to his own devices and so far I have but I still think I have a problem. I don’t know whether I identify the right choice and intentionally pick the wrong one or just decide to go against what people say is the best thing. Intentionally self destructive I wonder?

I don’t know what’ll happen but as far as I’m concerned, it’s over.

Dropping out

So for the past few weeks I’ve been faced with an impossible challenge and to paraphrase Shakespeare: “To drop out or not to drop out” – of school that is.

Now, my outreach worker Toni originally said that the best thing, she thought, for me was to leave school. I was torn. My dad didn’t want me dropping out unless I had something else to do. My consultant has never commented. But I was still torn. I asked JS and her opinion was I should stay so she isn’t alone, if the reason for her wanting me to stay was more focused on me, I wouldn’t mind but it wasn’t so did her opinion really count as anything for me? No, not really. So I asked the only person I know who has been in a similar situation due to her aspergers. She said I should do what would be best for my mental state. So I thought. I used to have a day off a week, a day turned into 3, 3 days turned into entire weeks off school I didn’t much see the point in still going when I’d missed a lot of lesson content.

My decision may have been spur of the moment. Maybe it was the panic attacks and the no sleep the night before I had to go to school. Maybe it was the fact I haven’t spoken to anyone in the mental health profession in months about my declining mental state because my dad was in the same room. Maybe it was even my wish to do nothing but watch tv shows all day. Any of those could have forced my hand to decide that dropping out of college (which would be the equivalent to high school in America) and I know that I regret the decision on and off because it doesn’t make a difference what I do anymore. I’m on 100mg of Lamotrigine and I seen no end to my depression, I can’t remember whether the consultant said it works better on depression or mania but I haven’t see a rise in the depression. I’ve had manic moments recently which lends credit to the fact I could be going into an area of mania but I don’t know if that’s true or not.

I’ve kind of given up on guessing.

My sleep schedule is kind of fucked up at the moment. I know it usually is but I’ve been falling asleep at 6am and waking up around 10am – 11am or sometimes saying up till 10am and sleeping till 2am. Not exactly the healthiest sleep schedule but not the most unhealthiest I’ve ever had, so I guess that’s something positive.

My plans for the next few months I hear you ask?
No idea.
No freaking clue.
Suggestions are welcome.

I’d say try and get better but aside from taking my medication and staying vaguely social, that’s not a lot I can do. I know I’ll get suggestions on what I can do to make myself better but I really am not in the mood for a pep talk from professionals who REALLY don’t seem to know what they’re doing.

*live blogging* Does anything ever go away?

Do ever find yourself in a situation that makes you realise: “fuck, I’m actully not okay.”

I’ve had one of those moments recently. For a little while now, my PTSD symptoms have been on the improving scale. I’ve had a few night without nightmares which is a break from the every night relentless torture from nightmares. Then, today I was watching a TV show and then there was bang and I shot up, my legs, my breath quicked. But I calmed down, it happened a few more time with banging. Like people pushing things into their locker, things falling out. I calmed down. Took my medication. Continued watching the show. For a while, everything great. Watching my TV, eating a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. It was good. Then, things on the screen begin to blur and spilt a little. I remembered one of the side effects of zoplidem being double vision. So I put up with. it.

I turn to my board on my wall where I write the things I have to remember like meds, homework, places to be, occassional shopping list. Now in this picture it is hard to see. But basically there is an alien creature, top right. I usually use that as being (0,0)  and I just get the feeling it’s watching me and as you can see THERE IS ONLY ONE OF THEM. But they seem to have reproduced and there are two of them. Now one of them is travelling towards me, on a white board of it’s own with worn away pen marks of what is written on. Like I would think double vision is they weren’t continually moving. One set moves alone my wall, like trying to be the furthest away it cam from me but the other one looks evil, like he’s got teeth and the one with the teeth keeps coming towards me but shrinking itself as it get towards me but when it gets to me and I’m facing it it’s small and tinted pink. Just a small tinted pink verison of my whiteboard. Except the lettering is different on the board coming toward me, rather than away. The things I wrote, the words I wrote, seem to have been gone over in red. I mean the texture, from looking make me realise it’s probably just a red white board pen. I mean that’s good at least it’s not blood, she laughs. Oh God I just referred to myself in third person… I really have lost it. I have realised though that if I look away when they come closer that they tend to go back and start over, like my attention is what fuels them. One of them still looks distinctly evil than the others. I don’t know what I’m dealing with here but I am not going to tolerate hour+ sessions of hallucinating . Nope not going to fly. I mean I let the auditory hallucinations continue but nope visuals aren’t allowed. Nope. Unless they’re the manic happy ones with the pink rabbit thing and the pokemon style animals. That’ll fly but I will not have homicidal melon heads in my brain. nopenope.

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Does anyone feel like their mental illness is a dirty word?

Sometimes when I wake in the middle of the night (usually because I’ve gone to bed not at 3am in the morning) and I feel philosophical and rather zen. So I tend to research things, admittedly it’s either things to do with money like researching buying a new costume or a ticket to something or I research my disorder. I research my disorder because I like knowing what could come. My disorder began to develop in the last few months of 2011 and I couldn’t tell it was different, I didn’t even think the insomnia was a problem because I began to thrive. The late nights meant I was always on top of homework, the hypomania gave me the energy to study and the creativity to make links others could not and in those times depression wasn’t so bad. Depression just gave me a mild sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach added onto a feeling of sadness. Until one day, around May that year. I suddenly had a bad depressed episode, self harmed and my worried father who’d already pointed out he saw my problems before made me go to the GP. I went and he told me it’s possible bipolar was my condition. Fast forward a few months, passed my first psychiatric appointment. Up to my first hypomanic episode that was more a hindrance than a help to my life but still what I deemed amazing. I was convinced everyone was wrong and that I was experiencing a stronger batch of teenage hormones. Had I have researched even a bit about my disorder – past the diagnosis sites and onto the forums – I would have seen that bipolar can get worse and it can go really negative so now late at night when the depression is taking over my mind. I find solace on these website that people can get better but I’ve also found things about people being torn about getting rid of the worst thing and best thing about them and one day I’ll be on my own and having to make that decision. So looking at research helps me. Looking what the scientists have found or what Jenny from Michigan thinks about her disorder, it’s all helpful.

But thanks to our support systems we tend to not even try a trial period off medication. A strong support system for mental illness is like an onion. In the middle we have family and friends. The annoying people who keep you in check and probably the reason you sought help in the first place. The next layer is therapists, psychiatrists, psychiatric nurses, etc actually medicating and dealing with your disorder. Then doctors, GP. The ones who will take over prescriptions, write out new ones when your medication is giving you pain. The layer after is school or a work force and even if you don’t tell them your bipolar or depressed or have BPD  or OCD or any other disorder, the stability and structure it can bring support by itself. Then there are external sources, suicide hotline, Samartians and others. Which I would say, personally for me is my last line of support, some people probably have their own onion support system but I imagine it’s fairly similar.

I offer no excuse.

So my last blog was on the 16th February which is exactly two weeks ago. A lot has happened in the past two weeks.
Now firstly, I was supposed to go to my psychometric meeting BUT Dr EH was ill and cancelled and now we need a  new appointment. So I have to do that. The waiting of it all drives me nuts.

Then I went and saw Toni (I have literally forgotten the acroynm I used for her so just Toni)
Toni meeting #1

She started with the blood pressures and asking how my medication is (lamotrigine – not working at this present moment). Then she said about a free bus pass since I can’t drive now technically I’m not allowed to drive so I get the free bus pass and the only work I have to do is give a passport photo which we had some left over from getting my provisional drivers license which I don’t use for driving but for other forms of ID e.g. buying things 16 years and under can’t buy and eventually being 18 and needing my ID for alcohol and tattoos – I realise how bad that sounds. Anyway, that was kosher, I saw no problems relatively.
Then she says about PIP. Now for those of you who don’t live in England or for those who do live in England but have not come across is PIP – Personal Independent Payment. They’re the replacement for the disability benefit system and is a little wider to ‘hidden’ disabilities. Now, here’s the thing. Free money? Sounds great. But it’s not free, it’s from tax payers and if I had something to do with it that would help my disability I wouldn’t say no. But I would squander the money. I don’t need hired staff to take care of me, I don’t need to hire anything extraneous to accommodate me, unless you count art supplies and a sick bucket for when my pills make me vomit counts as something that disability allowance should rightly be spent on. It’s a matter of morals here. Toni said that if I get it it’ll help give me more independence, paying my own way in meals, going out, hanging with friends and all round will make me better. Now the meeting ended with Toni asking for nhs number or some social security number idk and a bunch of other numbers and forms .

I was seeing EH on Thursday and painted penguins which I will upload soon – the pics not the penguins. So the next appointment was a Friday. Two days after the last.

Toni appointment 2

Handed over the stuff for the bus pass – all settled as far as everyone is concerned and I should be given it… whenever, I guess.

The discussion about PIP started and I, over the phone had to give all the details and when they mentioned my old last name, my dad went ballistic but I told him I was finishing this call because I know about bad customers shouting through the lines even though they’re just reading a script. So we finished the process and I begin to talk to Toni about the school situation.

Toni has been talking to my head of sixth form about me taking time off from school and starting again in year 12. Basically repeating year 12. A lot of you may scoff. But there are mixed reviews. Depending on the child it is the best thing that ever happened or the worst thing. So I had the holidays to think about it. So I thought… and I thought…. and I thought… and then I thought… then I drank some cola…. and then I thought some and realising this didn’t help I asked around. The people who know me, love me and should know what I think is best for me or what they think is best for me at least.
Dad: he basically said I have two options he could support: staying on at college but potentially failing or leaving college but having something else instead of 4-6 months in bed, doing nothing.
– That limited my choice between two. So I go to the two people who I thought would know about this stuff, one (EH) having been though a non traditional way of education and the other (JLS) knowing the school system and what I can be like.
EH: Basically boiled down to it’s my choice and if I’m really unhappy at school, I should leave but she got my dad’s point of view.
JLS: You should stay what am I going to do without my best friend? *now back to her drama*

Emotion pleasantries aren’t helpful. But I realised that until people came up with solutions of what I would be doing instead of school, I’m stuck.  But on Friday, (the next week), things happen. A car rams the back of my dad’s car by accident. My neck is jolted and my dad gets some numbers he needs as it was a ‘smalll’ dent but a few hours later when the shock had worn off my neck was killing me. We see Dr C (my consultant) about meds and Toni is going to drive me to school (least that’s what we thought) so I can have a chat with Mr M (head of sixth form).
My consultancy boiled down to? Lamotrigine: 50mg.
New dose Lamotrigine: 75mg
And she said I would probably find my way to over 100mg of the stuff. And I laughed. It wasn’t meant to be funny. Another medication was added zoplidem (10mg), some of you may know it better as ambien.

My dad actually has to drive me to the meeting. He leaves and I piss about and talk to people and manage to get to reception just in time for Toni to walk in and want to sign the forms saying “yo i’m a visitor up in thiiss bitch” – yeah well attempt at humour. Not a very good bit. Anyway so we have a chat whilst we wait for Mr M and I ask what would I be doing if I didn’t go to school, what groups are there I could join? She said “well some people like going to the gym… um, can’t think of much else. I’ll have a think about it.” so now I am going into a meeting with not enough fact to support the only condition that means leaving school. So whilst in there I try and stay away from any definitive answers without saying “I had a week to think about it and I really don’t fucking know”. Now Toni was supposed to be FOR me leaving education, Mr M was obviously hesitant and said I could continue, give it a few more weeks and see how you feel, you can leave any time you want.
Um, nooo. I need to tell a bunch of people, I can’t just go. Like stand up in the middle of English class and say “adios bitches, I get a 6 month holiday”. But Toni had begun to side with him. My problem with that? I don’t know where my head is at. All I know is it was a bed and a laptop (and working wifi) and that is literally as definitive as I get. So because I don’t know where my head is at I don’t always know what’s the right course of action futurely. Presently, I need a good lie down and a sleep. In the future no idea what I want. She was supposed to speak for the looking forward side of me but she back peddled with Mr M because Mr M believes I want to go to university and when I said I didn’t he said “apply anyway.” Um. no. But that is an issue for a later debate. That meeting boiled down to carry on EXACTLY how you were before. . . Thanks.

Now she’s off for two weeks. I have to suffer at school for two weeks. I can’t ask her questions. For two weeks. A fornight. Two weeks.

When I first took a zoplidem, I was dizzy, blurred vision, a little high. It was brilliant so I couldn’t wait for the next hit. But it didn’t work, really and it didn’t make me sleep. It did make me act out a dream in bed but that’s it. Then next night, no sleep. So, I bring out ingredients book for a drugs cocktail (and make it dirty). I took 10mg of diazepam, 1000mg of co-codamol and 10mg of zoplidem. Admittedly, that was an allright sleep. Short but sweet. Until I feel asleep later on and had a horrific nightmare. Doesn’t make you sleep that well or that long and it doesn’t make you high. I give it a 6/10.

I also dyed my hair black, not a manic thing. Opposite of a manic thing. The depression was sick of the bright blonde in my hair and constantly having to hide my dark roots so black. Plus I feel it suits my costume for this convention I’m going to – MY FIRST ONE ACTUALLY. I’m dressing as a torchwood operative and really want my photo taken with Eve Myles and Kai Owens. It’s going to be awesome. But I have to get £20 together to get a picture taken together.

Now, here’s a question to my fellow bipolar bears…
have you ever induced mania? Started mania yourself? Purposefully took something or put your self in a situation that would cause mania?

Is there a dilemma here or is escaping the crushing feeling of depressed and the noose feeling of suicidal tendencies worth it? I mean I’m at the point where it’s been several weeks, I’m stressed out, I’m overworked, I’m so down in the hole I built myself I think there’s no way out.

Whilst out buying my hair dye, I see ProPlus – basically caffeine pills and I think to myself, what to do? I mean I could take one a day to stay awake in class OR I could take several and see if I can’t kick myself into high gear and get a manic or at least an hypomanic episode. I mean if my body has bad tolerance to medications this could work well, meaning side effects of medications that are trying to help me cause bad side effects. Caffeine, a pill that is in some case bad could trigger a manic episode and I could be free of depression for just a little while. I’ll see what I think tomorrow.

Computer Problems and illness

One thing that will get me angrier than anything is a broken computer. My computer isn’t broken, just slow and that also winds me up. I’ve been thinking of getting a new one but who has the money? *not me*

As for illness, a few days a go I came down with a sore throat which quickly developed into me losing my voice and now that my voice is back, I have a cold. You can’t make this stuff up. Seriously, even I who is in the midst of writing a book at the moment has yet to make up something quite as gruelling as getting ill this frequently.

So, Miss D had a meeting with my head of sixth form and it transpires that they want me to repeat year 12. Well my mocks would indicate that: U in law (expected), C in English but a U in psychology. U for those who have not been through the UK school system means Ungraded which in my mind means that because I didn’t do the psychology exam until a lot later, they didn’t mark it either until after the grades were put on the system or they didn’t get it. I really doubt I actually got a U in psychology. But based on this, I think, they want me to repeat year 12 and well guess my answer to that… A resounding NO! I hated year 12 the first time around, I’m not going to like it very much the second time around. So this sent me into a spiral of despair, obviously. There was no other reaction to be honest. I cried, I panicked. I went through the 5 stages of grief and am hovering around bargaining and depression, feigning in and out of the stages.

It’s difficult for me to hear that I need to repeat because my grades are bad because I used to be such a bright student and intelligent and not to sound braggy but I got the grades too. So to have such poor grades is a hit to the ol’ self esteem and mood. I have to discuss whether I like the idea next meeting which is Wednesday. Then on Thursday or Friday go out with EC and do some pottery stuff but that has a big question mark by the side of it. I think it sounds like a good idea but having fun nowadays costs money and money is something we don’t have. But let’s cross our fingers and hope.

I’ve been trying to find a positive or silver lining to brighten this very glum time I’m having but it’s hard to find one at this time. But maybe this week something amazing will happen to brighten my day.

Psychometric Test Part 1/2

You have a really big folder
– 
Clinical psychologist talking about my mental health records.

So what is a psychometric test? A psychometric test is a set of tasks that measure your intelligence, memory, reasoning and basically your cognitive functioning.

I was give the over 16 test (16 – 90) and it started with:

Block Task
A picture is put in front of you with colours and you need to make that coloured pattern with blocks. I got one wrong and didn’t complete the other but I finished the task which was shocking to the clinical psychologist doing the task.
Word association
Psychologist H, would read out two words and ask me for the relation between the two and I think I did the most black and white choices ever invented in the history of man.
Next in the pattern task
I was then given a line in which there was a pattern and asked which I thought was next in the pattern – I don’t think I did brilliantly.
Short term memory with numbers
At first numbers were read to me and I had to repeat them back, I’d say I got to remembering 5 numbers before I screwed up. Then I had to repeat the numbers backwards, I think I got to 4 numbers safely repeated back. Then I had to repeat the numbers back in order of lowest to highest, I safely got to 4. I didn’t finish that task so I guess my memory is going to be the thing that comes back with the problems.
Next in the Square task
A pattern was created in a set of 4 squares and I had to find the next in the pattern and I think I did alright with that one.
Look-a-like
Two symbols were on the sheet next to a line of other symbols. Now one of those two symbols would have looked the same as on in the pattern or none of them looked the same. If they looked the same I put a line through the one that looks the same, if they didn’t I put a line through ‘no’.

And then it ended and I have to go back to do some arithmetic *cries* and other tasks. I was focused on the math more than the other tasks she described. But my appointment isn’t for two weeks. So, my darlings, what has been going on in my world:

Grievances (because they are the bad news):

  • I have a rash that comes and goes (thanks lamotrigine). It’s the non-deadly one. I just put calamine lotion on it and it fades.
  • On Sunday, I had a mixed episode where I threw an angry fit because of an imagined slight my family did. I punched things, I cried and then I was laughing whilst crying and then I was suicidal and then I calmed down. Looked at the behaviour and said in a vocal tone “what the fuck was going on?” and I wanted to blame my medication but it’s 25mg for three days at that point so it couldn’t have been medication. It’s a thing I’m terming “2014 MOOD” and it means that ever since 2014 started my mood has been nothing but fucked up. I had a 4-5 week manic episode rather than a 2 week manic episode. I had a crying and laughing episode which I think is dysmorphic mania when usually if I am to have a mixed episode it’s agitated depression. There’s a difference, a big difference. The difference? The worrying difference? The suicidal ideation is on the rise with dysmorphic mania than it is with agitated depression (ironic, right?)
  • I am getting my trial exam results back this Friday which means I have to go to school and unfortunately the lesson I have is law and well, I don’t see good things happening.
  • Hiccups. I have not gone mad(der). I was talking to this girl, also on lamotrigine and she has hiccups, I don’t get it like her – hiccuping for 3 minutes at at time. I hiccup twice and then no more. For that I will blame the medication.
  • I have this friend, EC, she reads my messages and then ignores them but when she does reply she doesn’t say sorry or anything and I know she reads them because facebook says “read on: etc”. But whether she’s ignoring me or lazy is another matter.
  • Parent-Teacher day.

Good things:

  • I made a Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy blog which has taken off with popularity and found myself even buying the new set of comics but the payment for this issue would go into grievances.
  • It’s school holidays next week which = rest for me.
  • I have an appointment with Miss D tomorrow which means I can air some of these grievances which I plan on doing since I only have this blog to vent on and I would like to get eye contact on these problems.
  • I’ve started reading a little which is good because I don’t want to continue being non-functioning while depressed.
  • I’ve done half my psychometric test.
  • Game Of Thrones – Fire and Ice A Foreshadowing is out and it is good.

And well yes, I suppose my bad things list is longer than my good things list but least there are good things and if I find a way to focus on them maybe bipolar disorder won’t be so hard to live with.

Suicide blonde.

Suicide blonde – dyed by her own hand
(noun.
a bottle blonde who has bleach-fried his or her hair to a very light shade with peroxide because he or she is naturally dark-haired.)

Which is a totally applicable to me because I am dark haired and now I am very blonde especially after the last time of dyeing my roots. Also, I’ve been feeling suicidal so there’s that.

So what has happened in my bubble recently? Lamotrigine. That happened. Welcome to my new medication. Welcome to the world where any slight change of skin colour is now Steven-Johnson’s syndrome because I managed to scare myself to death by googling images of the syndrome and seeing a person without teeth. I HAVE NO GONE THROUGH 2-3 YEARS OF BRACES TO LOSE MY TEETH BECAUSE OF MEDICATION. But yes, that is now my world and I have called it ‘Paris’ Paranoid Rash World’ and you can only buy a one way ticket.

I’ve recently watched Batman cartoons because why not? And fallen in love with Gotham’s girl – Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. Add them to the list of people I want together but will never get together. I’ve stayed reasonably on top of my tv shows but relatively underwhelmed by a lot of them because of my old demonic friend – depression. Hello, depression. You’re back in full force again and breaking me one day at a time. I learned recently that it was common to get depression for a few months and then mania a few years later and then few years later depression and so on and all I have to say is… You are relatively lucky. I mean it’s awful when you come out but to have it only once or twice every 3-5 years is pretty lucky compared to someone who never gets a break which is why I’ve been diagnosed with:

ATYPICAL BIPOLAR DISORDER

Basically that means I don’t fit into a type of bipolar. Not bipolar I or bipolar II and I thought I was bipolar II to be honest. Though I am glad the consultant has given me a diagnosis but despite the fact I write a lot of things dedicated to bipolar I have trouble believing the diagnosis sometimes, like why is it bipolar and not a bad set of teenage hormones? I mean how did they differentiate and do I have to live with this label all my life? Is it even a label I need? Are you 100000% sure it’s not something else?

My bed is now my safe haven and respite and somehow the only place that makes me feel a little less depressed when the door is closed. I took 10mg of diazepam last night to sleep and I am still tired, is a nap in order? I think so. Is depression is order? Nope. I walk past my canvases and think to myself “when will I get back to that again?” Not for a while I guess…
But hopefully sooner than I think *crosses fingers*

In other news, I have an appointment with Miss D on Thursday (I think) and psychometric test next Tuesday. So wish me luck for that too, guys. Because I have no idea what sorts of things you do on a psychometric test, anyone know?