I can safely say lithium is helping. Unfortunately though it brings to light the fact a lot of other unhealthy facets such as the paranoia and dissociation are not going to be cured by the lithium. The lithium is still making my thyroid unwell and have yet to get that treated and you may be wondering why, after all this time, is no treatments being made? I had another blood test after the blog post and had to wait for the results of that for about two weeks because there was no copy sent to the doctor, only the psychiatrist and it wasn’t until we saw the community psychiatric nurse (CPN) that i actually got my results and lo and behold, my hypothyroidism is worse. But they wouldn’t treat it until the psychiatrist spent an extra two weeks looking at past blood tests trying to figure out why. I mean the why is great but at this point in time just treat the illness. But apparently I will have to go for endocrinology tests as well. So physically I have been worse than ever. I mean I have energy but I just am in pain a lot of the time with my joints, being cold etc. It’s awful.
The improvement in my mood coupled with the work with the groups I’m with, my confidence also boosted which is great but left me open to other issues. For example, increase in confidence means I’ve been more inclined to go out and contact people. I spent time with EH on Easter and we’ve got unofficial plans to go to London with our brothers and her parents. But it was actually that Sunday that caused problems. As EH’s dad drove into her drive, there were a group of people outside and one of the was RH who I wrote about several years ago who had a crush on my then best friend. Well we were friends then too and I messaged him saying: “saw you nerd B)” and that led to a discussion of when how etc and we agreed to make up and I could rewrite what happened but long story short we went to second base and it was weird because he liked my best friend and now here he is, kissing me. But afterwards I was over the moon but this relationship my confidence opened up had now caused this massive source of stress for me.
The reason being I’m incredibly insecure and have invented all the reasons why he doesn’t like me and why he’s better off with someone else and that comes from my personality problems. I am mistrustful and needy of attention and whilst this is like 95% personality problems, it’s annoying. I don’t think I will let this relationship last very long because it’s causing me to have a lot of emotional issues.
In other news, I have plans with friends, have been on quite a residential but have been having some problems with my psychiatrist. But I’m trying to focus on my recovery so let’s stay away from psychiatrist talk.
I think the thing no one prepares you for when you begin recovering is actually how to manage it. For example the last time I was functioning to a moderately healthy degree was when I was 14 and navigating the change in maturity in yourself when you are well is difficult. When I was depressed I didn’t want to do anything and now I’m better I want to have friends and see them and I feel like I’m trying to make up for 4 lost years in that amount of time. I think had I been forced to enter adulthood and living alone and working whilst still bipolar I would have eventually managed to find some balance between social stuff and other things but for now I have this gap. This 6 month gap between when I have to buckle down and get serious over school and deciding what I want to and what I want carried on and getting myself back into a position where I have a trajectory. Yeah I suffer cognitive difficulties and still other issues such as paranoia etc but I need something that’s mine again.