I’m trying to get better with naming my blog posts and even writing them. I write them in my head, sometimes in their entirety but when it comes to writing it down, I seem to falter a little and it just never seems to fully convey the message I want to convey.
I started lithium on Tuesday and I haven’t noticed much. I experience chest pain after taking it and jitteriness in the few hours before I take it (but my guess is it’s coming out of my system, waiting to be rebuilt in the next hour). I’m on 400mg (daily) so I don’t expect anything to happen yet and in terms of medication I’m not giving up hope yet.
As for my overall mood, I’ve been… well, depressed. I mean that is literally the only way I could describe it. There was a slight change in my mood on Friday night with me becoming irritable and quite aggressive. I didn’t cross so much over into rage but I was just irritable and I thought maybe I was becoming hypomanic but rather than the happy side, the irritable side but that went back to depression pretty quickly.
I wish I could say, also that I’ve been feeling less suicidal but honestly I haven’t not really. Sometimes the urge and the ache is less but overall it’s there and I think what’s worse is that; now if I were to do anything it would be less impulsive and more well reasoned. People, whenever I say I feel suicidal, say I have a lot to live for but the honest truth is – aside from people in my life – I have none of my own reasons to carry this charade on. Even if I somehow get my moods under control I will always be teetering on the edge of a break down, I get very bored of things and will most likely not be able to stick to a job, I am very distrusting of people and find it immensely hard to form meaningful relationships. I honestly have a hard time believing this is all just depression talking or isolation and maybe it is and maybe I can recover from this but a lot of the time I honestly question whether I want to.
My psychiatric nurse once said I find the world a threatening place and maybe that’s why I’m closing myself off more but it’s weird. I find that my confidence in talking to strangers is better than it has been in a long time, my body confidence is probably better (though it has it’s moments) and so I don’t understand why I find everything threatening and why I have been withdrawing from all my friends and some of them are understanding of that and some are not but I just find it’s more a chore to talk to anyone than it is something I look forward to and it’s a shame because I’ve made some new friends recently and it was fun talking to them for 2 days and then I just got bored again. I’ve been getting bored a lot or just lacking interest. I guess that’s all kinda sad.
I’m not saying I will kill myself, of course I have thought about it but to say whether I would or wouldn’t do it could end up being a lie and wrong and I don’t want to lie on this blog, I don’t. I don’t want there to be inaccuracies in this account of my life because when people wonder why someone is the way they are, I want this blog to answer that and right now I can’t say for definite I won’t kill myself. I don’t even think I could promise that I wouldn’t try this month. But I can promise that I’m going to try to not try. I mean, really NOT doing something is kinda my wheel house so I should be good at it.
I’ve had more frequent appointments with my psych nurse and we’ve discussed the possibility of going into inpatient and meeting with the crisis team and I’ve been kind of holding off but I am honestly concerned that one day soon I will do something I can’t take back and I am. So on Monday it is time for a serious talk about what we are going to do because I can’t go on like this any more.