I’m so sick of me.

I saw the psychiatrist on Friday and I should have wrote a post Friday night or Saturday but I haven’t the energy or the head space to. I haven’t now either so excuse all the probable problems with grammar and syntax and all other grammatical things that will probably make this post slightly illegible.

I kinda reached my point where I know WHAT my problems are but I don’t know how to solve them and that somewhat makes it worse as it’s not one of those problems you can easily fix. For example when I realised my nail biting, as a child, was an issue I painted my nails everyday to stop myself from biting them and eventually the habit died and I have long but ugly nails. In more recent examples I knew my problem was procrastinating and I made active steps to stop that when it came to school work but that was about 8 months ago. I can’t fix these problems. I cannot fix the fact that I take people’s neutrality as hostile. I can’t fix the fact that I trust very few people. And I can’t fix pretty much everything currently wrong.

I got called into the appointment but TD (psych nurse) wasn’t down  yet so I sat down with the psychiatrist and told her that I just wanted to say what I had to say without interruptions because I would probably get confused or lost if I got interrupted. I began by saying how in the last appointment I felt like I wasn’t listened to and how I know she said about the hallucinations being dissociative ones but I said I felt like all hallucinations are warrant for concern and how I didn’t feel the fact I was still depressed on medication was taken seriously enough. Which is about the time TD came in and I then said how I had stopped the medication and how I tried to commit suicide which brought out the notepads and they began to ask me questions about how the hospital dealt with it and I told them I didn’t tell them but they were still pushing and I don’t really understand why because I lied to them saying the overdose was an accident so they aren’t expected to maintain a standard of care relating to a suicide attempt.

They then went on to assure me they didn’t take it seriously and they were concerned and we discussed how unlike previous times this was more impulsive and that unlike previous times I wasn’t relieved I failed this time, I was pissed I failed. I learned that impulsivity in bipolar can happen in all mood states whereas I thought it was just a manic end of the spectrum thing. They were concerned about my that.

Something interesting I was asked was: did I feel I needed to be in hospital the days leading up to the suicide attempt. I said I did because I did. I mean I guess maybe the more recent suicide episodes are different to the ones before in that I just really want to die. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. I’m just really sick of living. She asked how I felt now (as in at that moment) and at that moment I didn’t feel too bad; they thought i was angry. I wasn’t really angry more than I was frustrated.

The outcome was that I am being put on lithium and there is apparently a lithium registry? Which I don’t even know…  Which means before that I need an ECG and a blood test. Bring on blood tests every 3 months *sighs*

How I’m feeling right now? Just bad. Like I can’t even describe it but good things happened and I think I will probably focus on that.

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