I’ve always wondered whether I am a good person? How do you even quantify that? If you ask me right this second whether I consider myself a good person I’d say I wasn’t and I’d probably end up on Santa’s naughty list and not the adult naughty list where they get vibrators and edible underwear for Christmas but the naughty list where a lump of coal is in your future.
I haven’t been having a good time recently. Following with my close friends I got into the Christmas spirit November 1st and I ordered my Christmas presents for people and I thought about the decorations but recently that ‘Christmas Spirit’ switch in my brain has been put from the on position, past the off position and into the “let’s blow it up position”. Call it an episode, I have been. But this particular episode was ‘switched on’ by some perceived slight comment from my brother to which I gathered up all the presents I bought (which ended up being a lot of money since some were bought during mania) and put them in the bin and then set about taking down the very ill looking tree to which my dad stopped me and I went up stairs in a temper and ripped open a friend’s present to me where the deal was we’d open it on skype together.
After about 2 hours I calmed down but I’d already told my friend I’d opened it and you can’t get back a message once you’ve sent it. I was worried she’d be mad at me so I went onto a chat support site and let me just sum up by saying that the women I talked to on there is really not helpful and she’s supposed to be a mentor – it’s kinda pathetic to be honest with you.
I then sent my friend, EJ (the same EJ who is my ex-girlfriend) an apology and she accepted it. I was glad.
Anyway, as you know I have odd hours for sleeping and so when I woke up this afternoon I was feeling too worn out from sleeping to read it so I waited until that evening and we discussed it and it was okay. Now here’s where things start to go bad again.
So for probably two months, EJ has had a problem with some girl at school and it recently flared up and for about 2 weeks I have been listening to her rant everyday. She’s rang me at least 4 times about it, each time lasting over an hour. That’s four hours of my life I’ll never get back. Facebook and over the phone. But we’re trying to be friends and I like to think I try my best to be a decent friend and I listened.
My mood has been up and down but usually the ‘down’ bit is as exactly as the title describes. Down. Depressed. Withdrawn. I’d withdraw from my friends if I felt bad but recently paranoia has reared it’s ugly little head and that tends to get me riled up and so I went to her and told her about what happened the night before with Christmas and that I was near killing myself last night and you know the fucking reply I got?! “that sucks”
“That sucks” is a reply for when you spill cola all over your brand new dress. “That sucks” is a reply for when you fall over and twist your ankle. “That sucks” is the reply for when your phone breaks. “That sucks” is not a reply for someone admitting they’ve been feeling suicidal.
I don’t admit I feel suicidal on a one to one basis often. I will write about it on my blogs but I will rarely even message someone and say “I feel suicidal” or “I’ve been feeling suicidal” or “Last night I felt suicidal” and this is a goddamn reminder as to why I should keep it to myself.
The fact is I’ve been feeling badly about this friendship since it begun and she proves over and over again it’s time to end it but I’ve never been good at getting myself out of toxic relationships as evidenced by my family.
How am I feeling right now at 3:45am on 12/12/14? Down. But just depressed down. I feel like the moods which have begun to cycle every few hours have evened to every few days.
I’ve been thinking about this documentary I watched about bipolar disorder called “Of Two Minds” on netflix and it’s triggering so I wouldn’t watch it if you’re in a sensitive place but it takes a look at a group of people with bipolar disorder at various stages of their treatment. Some are just the families and one family is of a girl who committed suicide but there is this Jewish family (or at least the mother is Jewish as far as I know) and the daughter who has bipolar now writes magazine articles and youtube videos about it. Her name is Liz Spikol and she is pretty much my idol now. She’s pretty, she’s clever, she bisexual and she writes magazine articles that can include her disorder and I think it’s pretty inspirational.
Another burning question on all yours minds is probably: what, if anything, are you doing for Christmas?
Well my original plan was to become Santa (or at least one of Santa’s elves) but I’m kind of at the stage of just burning the Christmas tree down and making a pillow fort and never coming out of it. But instead I have to go to a pizza Christmas dinner next Wednesday, my brother’s are coming down (and possibly my niece) two weeks 21st December, maybe 22nd which means I have to clean my fucking room because my niece will probably want to come up. Pretend to be jolly Christmas day and see if I can find an alcohol I really like and then get wasted on it but that’s an “if I can find nice tasting alcohol” because so far I haven’t. How about you?
As for my overall mental state. Not great. Still hallucinating but I can’t talk to anyone about that. Depressed and can’t talk to many people about that. Angry and paranoid but that doesn’t really need to be talked about because I so overtly express it. Dissociation hasn’t been as bad but I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Maybe to survive I need to go through life with bouts of dissociation to escape reality and survive.
I don’t know if I’ll make it through Christmas in one piece.