I used to be 10 stone 7 pounds. I am now 9 stone 8 pounds and I’m happy with that. I’ve dropped a size in clothes (which now means I have 3 completely different sizes in my drawers) and whilst I am happy about the weight loss, I’m also not. See my goal was never to lose weight, it was to tone my core and arms so I was stronger which I feel I needed in a house full of men 7 or more inches taller than me. But weight loss like this makes me apprehensive due to my history with anorexia. I will keep working out but once I lose a few more pounds I will have to make effort to balance out eating and exercise.
Which is easier said than done, I’m actually pretty ill at the moment but I don’t know what with and whilst I’m used to lethargy, I’m not a big fan of the pain which is in my legs and my lower abdomen and plus some other worrying symptoms that are prompting a return to the doctors. I went to the doctors on Wednesday mainly due to my eyes. You see they had begun intermittently hurting whenever I moved them and I knew it was muscular but I wasn’t dealing with it. Turns out I have dry eye syndrome made worse by:
They dried out my eyes and now despite the fact I’m off my meds, I have to use artificial tears to keep my eyes lubricated. They are a pain in the arse to get in but luckily it’s like a gel so I can pick them up and place them into my eyes which isn’t better but it’s better than wasting drops. The doctor also gave me some antibiotic + zinc cream for my spots (cystic acne to be more precise) which I was so grateful for because most doctors just say “stress” and expect you to magically be able to cure it. The spot cream does work but new spots keep appearing all the damn time and the eye drops are pretty good. I have to wear my glasses a lot often now because whilst my long distance is better, my short distance not so much.
But despite all this illness, I still do exercise. I mean so far it’s just weights and stretches but I can lift heavier things and my thighs are slightly smaller so I’m calling it a win for now. I probably could do more exercise but I’m just in pain too much at the moment to do so.
That was my doctors appointment. My psychiatrist appointment was on Thursday.
Now I’ve been having a bit of a problem with what’s real and what’s not. I know I’m typing this and that this is going out into the ‘real’ world. But I recently had been hallucinating that I had been having conversations with people that weren’t there and it took me a long time to realise that these hallucinations weren’t real and I only figured that out when I brought up a conversation with my dad and he didn’t recall it and at first I thought it was weird but he’s just had a birthday, he’s getting old and a few days later I brought up a conversation with my brother that we had about his school and it was in relation to psychology… as in the subject but I guess I never made the connection between that conversation and the facts until I spoke to my brother and the fact is: we were talking about him studying psychology in the present tense. Not future tense. He wants to study psychology for A levels next year but we spoke about it like he was studying it now and he knew the subject matter. Subject matter further than I went before I dropped out. Which is when I knew.
So i Googled a little and hit across delusions and did you know there is such a thing as delusional guilt? See, I thought it was a thing that didn’t apply to me but the fact is for the last few weeks I have picked through my past and found every damn thing I did wrong and became so overwhelmingly guilty I started writing letters to people including my mum, a girl who I (along with many others) was a bystander to them being verbally bullied and I only mention the many others because shouldn’t they also be feeling the same?, my older brother and older sister and even apologised (face to face) with my younger brother for what happened with our mum like it was my fault she abandoned her 2 children in the park? It makes sense to feel guilt afterwards but it’s coming up to that being 6 years ago. Why the overwhelming guilt now? I thought maybe it could be delusional guilt or maybe it’s not? I have no idea.
I was going to admit I hadn’t been taking my meds in the appointment but I doubted that it was causing anything since my mood hadn’t been in either extremes. They brushed past the hallucinations and said they were “dissociative hallucinations” and not a psychotic symptom and the way they brushed off my hallucinations and just added “dissociative” to a symptoms – just like they do with every symptoms I have now – I was pissed off and didn’t ask further so I googled. Dissociative hallucinations are apart of … well.. dissociative identity disorder (or DID) which is the new name for Multiple Personality Disorder and whilst apparently you don’t have to have two very obvious different personalities hallucinations can be apart of a different personality?
I can’t find dissociative hallucinations for PTSD. Just that it is psychotic symptom. But the thing is, whether it’s DID or bipolar or PTSD or some other mental illness that no one has thought of yet. A hallucination is a hallucination and should be treated seriously… so why was I not? How come I could be brushed past? My first and most obvious answer is that they didn’t believe me. I mean, should anyone especially mental health professionals ignore it when someone says they are seeing things that aren’t there?
This is why I do’t tell anyone the truth about how bad my condition is because they wouldn’t believe me and I think it’d hurt a lot more for my dad or brother or ex or friend to say they didn’t believe me. It hurts they don’t believe me. Last time I tell them the truth again.
Though, I was debating calling them and setting up another appointment and telling them just how offended I was and why nothing was to be done about the hallucinations? Or the insomnia that the psych nurse thought needed attending too? I could wait for the appointment in 3 months but I always say I’ll wait but I’m done waiting for stuff like this. I convince myself of this now but unconvince myself later but I’ll keep you updated on that situation.
In other news, I am dyeing my hair pink. My hair is currently bleached all ready for the pink.
I’ve been buying Christmas presents. I got my brother a new phone and an SD card, a zombie book in a walking dead situation and a rayman game for the xbox one. For my dad a few boxsets of dvds, a clock and some cash and some other stuff that I forgot. My friends got necklaces and bracelets and a notebook. EJ got a fox toy, EC got a pic of us from a convention and my niece got a bracelet, teddy and a notebook. These are some pretty nice looking notebooks though. I’ve spent quite a bit tbh and call some of it impulsive but let me have a little happiness this year… you know… sober.
A friend challenged me to a “who can stay awake the longest” and another friend joined in. They live in America, were several hours behind me and I won! I mean I was up until 9am but I’m an insomniac. Like they were going to win! Least my insomnia was good for showing up and beating two pesky boys.