I always feel like I’m looking for something that’ll make me feel less empty. I’ll listen to music and I’ll read books and I’ll spend hours hopelessly searching for other books and music and a TV shows to make me feel better and for short amounts of time it works. If it didn’t work at all I probably wouldn’t continue but things works for short amount of time. A Fall Out Boy song. A book with a character that relates to me. Same with TV. But I know, deep down, that what I’m looking for isn’t on amazon or itunes but it’s a friend. A real life, good friend. It sounds simple but it’s really not.
I’ve found that the people who get where I’m coming from also tend to be mentally ill themselves because I find it’s those people who, like myself, are the most lonely. But I don’t interact with many people like that. In fact I don’t interact with many people period. The people I do interact with, I am terrible at keeping up contact. Even more so now.
Which then, when you get into the state I am currently in, begs the question: do I deserve friends? I mean I care about everyone I talk to but I don’t keep up with them as best I could. But people deserve better.
I’ve been thinking about the mental hospital recently, I try to avoid thinking about it because I feel a lot of guilt for leaving. I know that had I had stayed I’d probably be a lot happier now and I would have made some sort of friends, I mean really it was my perfect setting. People who were just like me. Teenagers who self harmed and were depressed and listened to the same stuff I did and realised the use of trash day time television.
Every so often for short amounts of time, I lose hope over whether I will actually feel better and I don’t always mean conditionwise because even in my stable periods (as small and as fleeting as they are) I still feel empty and sad but what I realise during those moment is how important hope is. Hope comes and goes but without hope we would seriously give up and that would be one of the worst things to happen.