So daylight savings time is upon us. 26/10/14 at 2am the clock went back. Welcome to winter. The worst season for mood disorders because even if you don’t experience Seasonal Affective Disorder, winter worsens depression because we aren’t getting as much light or vitamin D. But we have to brave through it, mood disorder comrades.
For about a month, I’ve been feeling really down. I have this unhealthy thing where when I get stressed I get anxious and depressed and immediately begin fantasying about killing myself with whatever is around at the time and just knowing that I’d feel relief once I did it. Evidentially I’ve never followed through on that otherwise you would not be sitting around reading trash. But I wouldn’t say it was a particularly helpful coping method.
I think one of my biggest problems is that I’m extremely lonely. The people who I class as people I can talk to are people I talk to maybe once or twice a week now that everyone is busy and the people who I talk to everyday, I just don’t feel I can talk to them.
It’s hard to look your dad in the face and say “I feel like killing myself” and maybe that is self-imposed but you know which one is not self-imposed? My ex. Said they wanted to stay friends and it worked for a little while and now they just obviously do not care any more… especially since I told them that I didn’t want to get back together like they wanted and the reason for that is because they don’t care. They’re too afraid of upsetting me than to say anything real. It’s the classic “hey. hey. u ok? yeah you? yeah thanks. what you up to? nm you? nm. :). :). *end*” though sometimes all they ever do is moan about their life.
I think it’s hard to connect to people who don’t fully understand the struggle you go through and the victory of the little battles such as something simple like getting out of bed in the morning. Which is probably why I feel lonely. Like I’m fighting this uphill battle with nobody who fully gets it.
I’ve been feeling just really bad. I mean it’s just this inner pain that comes with depression.. I mean I’ve quit pretty much any enriching aspects of my life due to depression and going to voice group and girls group is pretty much the only things I’m still doing and that only adds up to 3hrs and 30 mins a week.
I’ve made so many posts describing these feelings, you must be feeling like you’ve read this 1000 times and I wish I could say something good has happened. But it hasn’t. I’m sorry.