Winter is coming. Winter is here.

So daylight savings time is upon us. 26/10/14 at 2am the clock went back. Welcome to winter. The worst season for mood disorders because even if you don’t experience Seasonal Affective Disorder, winter worsens depression because we aren’t getting as much light or vitamin D. But we have to brave through it, mood disorder comrades.

For about a month, I’ve been feeling really down. I have this unhealthy thing where when I get stressed I get anxious and depressed and immediately begin fantasying about killing myself ย with whatever is around at the time and just knowing that I’d feel relief once I did it. Evidentially I’ve never followed through on that otherwise you would not be sitting around reading trash. But I wouldn’t say it was a particularly helpful coping method.

I think one of my biggest problems is that I’m extremely lonely. The people who I class as people I can talk to are people I talk to maybe once or twice a week now that everyone is busy and the people who I talk to everyday, I just don’t feel I can talk to them.

It’s hard to look your dad in the face and say “I feel like killing myself” and maybe that is self-imposed but you know which one is not self-imposed? My ex. Said they wanted to stay friends and it worked for a little while and now they just obviously do not care any more… especially since I told them that I didn’t want to get back together like they wanted and the reason for that is because they don’t care. They’re too afraid of upsetting me than to say anything real. It’s the classic “hey. hey. u ok? yeah you? yeah thanks. what you up to? nm you? nm. :). :). *end*” though sometimes all they ever do is moan about their life.

I think it’s hard to connect to people who don’t fully understand the struggle you go through and the victory of the little battles such as something simple like getting out of bed in the morning. Which is probably why I feel lonely. Like I’m fighting this uphill battle with nobody who fully gets it.

I’ve been feeling just really bad. I mean it’s just this inner pain that comes with depression.. I mean I’ve quit pretty much any enriching aspects of my life due to depression and going to voice group and girls group is pretty much the only things I’m still doing and that only adds up to 3hrs and 30 mins a week.

I’ve made so many posts describing these feelings, you must be feeling like you’ve read this 1000 times and I wish I could say something good has happened. But it hasn’t. I’m sorry.


4 thoughts on “Winter is coming. Winter is here.

  1. Don’t apologize! You are where you are. It will get better. I know everyone says that shit but when I think about what a suicidal zombie I was three quarters of a year ago, (and it lasted for quite awhile) I can tell you that if you just hang in there, things WILL get better. One of my best friends has this habit of keeping a running list of things he needs to do. Every day he sets a goal for himself to knock four items off the list. They might be items like “make a doctor appointment” or “call the fucking insurance company again” or even “do laundry.” I adopted his practice and I have to tell you, it feels damn good to be able to knock stuff off the list. For depressed people, doing ANYTHING is an achievement. I know. So think about it. Oh, and come to Florida if you want! Skipping winter never looked so good . . . ๐Ÿ™‚

    • That sounds like a good idea. I once found this app and also a website where you make to-do lists and you earn coins and experience from doing it and then you can dress your characters up using the coins. If I find it, I will link you to it. I might start doing that though but will first have to find 4 things I need to do ๐Ÿ˜›
      Yeah, I like the winter bc you can wrap up and no judgement for not going outside. Have fun in Florida though, I’m sure it’ll be nice and non-wintery over there โค โค

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