This is going to be a quick entry, hopefully. I am very tired. It’s a year anniversary for my blog which I guess should have been the title but that is not as big news.
So the paranoia. It got worse. Accusing people, thinking my dad was poisoning me, massive conspiracies. It had it all. When I finally saw my psychiatrist after many weeks, she said it was dissociative paranoia and I googled it hoping to find support pages and lots of info. It came up with information but not related to dissociative paranoia as itself but as part of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m annoyed this diagnosis comes up when I google for other symptoms. I did discover though, that it is a part of Complex PTSD. Which is still up for debate among psychiatrists but it makes more sense it is that rather that BPD. Complex PTSD (or C-PTSD) makes more sense and so I assume it’s to do with that.
But the psychiatrist put me onto an anti-psychotic anyway. Quetiapine (Seroquel) 100mg. It didn’t seem like the psychiatrist was giving it me because she thought it was the right course of action. I think she was giving it me to shut my dad up. Which… idk whether it’s helping. Just due to a side effect I have got from the quetiapine is extreme tiredness (and dry mouth). I was to sleep all the time I can’t keep my eyes open one hour after taking it and I’m exhausted throughout the day. So I don’t know whether the brief episodes of paranoia have lessened (I’m still getting mild episodes that last a few hours) because I’m too tired or the anti-psychotic is working. I have dissociated after nightmares though but not in a paranoia kinda way.
Next thing is I joined a youth group. Well 2 actually. Not so much as an actual person who goes but more as a mentor and we have our own name and we’re getting tshirts and we were supposed to come up with roles over facebook chat but we haven’t done that but probably best to do it on Wednesday. I have girls group where I’m a mentor on Tuesdays and on Wednesdays I have Voice group which I’m not entire sure how that goes because I was too tired to go to this weeks. Which is both because of the quetiapine and my trip into the city on Monday for buying clothes *cough* bought 2 items of clothes and spent all the other money on graphic novels and DVDs *cough* which I did by myself and found out my bus pass is working so yay.
I fell out with a friend but apologised to an old one which I may have already mentioned but things seem to be going well. I think I’m still a little hesitant because I did majorly fuck up where our friendship was concerned. Yeah, it was due to an uncontrollable part of my mental illness(es) but still.
The school conversation came up again. I know. Annoying. But basically they said it was open for me and my time table is Monday 9-5pm (what a way to make a livin’) Thursday and Friday 11-4pm. Monday is bad. Just ugh. I mean I don’t want to go to school anyway but how is this not a major coincidence that my school timetable works around my youth group?! It’s just so weird. My dad kept reiterating I could do what I want and he’d support me but he’d prefer me going back to school so just to get him off my back I said I’d go which I won’t be able to manage especially since I’d have to go off the quetiapine to be able to do it which’ll probably bring back the paranoia so I don’t know. But it just seems everything works out really well. So I said I guess I would but when it came to actually calling the person to tell them I’d be in, my dad seemed to have lost all interest and would only try one number and no other number. It pissed me off so I said I’m not going and then I said I was and I don’t know where we’ve left off to be honest.
But some negatives. Some positives. I’ve taken my anti-psychotic so I’m tired so I’m going to get ready for bed. This wasn’t such a short post but hey.