Smack me.

It’s been a while. It’s been too long. It’s been a month. This is unacceptable. I am so sorry. I’ve been meaning to for two weeks but that means nothing when I don’t act on it.

So where did I leave off? End of June, that’s right. So essentially a month.

Well I bought my brother one of those old iPods for his birthday, not a touch. Like a nano but with a screen – idk.

But due to feeling in a sort of ‘meh’ mood around that time, I decided for a short period not to take my tablets. Just because the odd times I’d missed my morning dose, I was going up, up, up to hypomania and I imagine to mania. I figured I had a lot to do, I need the extra boost, he deserves a good birthday. Stop.

Well wouldn’t you know it, the scales went the other way! I went closer to depression than mania and you have no idea how ticked off I was about it. If it proves one thing, it proves that bipolar is unpredictable. It sent me into the highs every time I skipped ONE dose but the one time I needed it *wvooop* I went down. Ridiculous.

Obviously, I did research before doing this and 5 days is the MAX you should go before you have to start back on the small doses again. I went about 2 1/2 days  – 3 days so I guess it wasn’t a big deal. But I made cake and pie and it was good. Sorta… good crappy birthday.

Now, it’s been pretty obvious that i haven’t be adjusting to life without bipolar but I began to. Honestly, I began to start appreciating it a little… But then something weird happened.

I went down and I mean DOWN. Depressed. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Paranoia (on a delusional scale). Hallucinations. Say what you want about bipolar but I never had that much trouble with paranoia when I had the swings. After some research it’s to do with the PTSD. SURPRISE! But I also think that the depression isn’t being controlled by the meds as well as it used to.

So the depression – run of the mill. Not much to report.
Anxiety – anxiety about crowds back again. Panic attacks even in only mildly stressful situations.
Paranoia – Convinced people are conspiring against me. Even people who don’t KNOW each other. How is that even possible? I mean logically it’s not. But when you’re paranoid and add anxiety into the mix… well it’s not a good combination. Kind of like coca cola and mentos. Like that. Also, feeling like I’m being watched which considering the whole stalking thing isn’t too unbelievable.
Hallucinations – Well I was told that whilst they were mainly based of my PTSD, bipolar was the thing fuelling them. Tell that to the derogatory voices telling you how awful you are, reminding you of the one event you want to forget and telling you to kill yourself. This was only 6 days ago.
Dissociation – Well we all know my problem with that.

I wish I could say these things are what frighten me the most. They frighten me but you know what thought frightens me the most? I have no one. I’m dealing with this on my own. My dad is just focused on himself, my brother (bless him) doesn’t really get the situation, during a paranoid episode I told my best friend to leave because i thought she didn’t like me any more and I did it in one of the worst ways possible. The next ‘best friend’ I had recently told me that my fear of being alone with men is silly! I agree it’s illogical. I do. Just like my fear of spiders is illogical. They’ve never done anything to harm me or hurt me. They just stay on my wall; freeloading and looking creepy (so essentially like my brother :P) and I’m scared of them, is that fear silly? She said no it’s not but being scared of men is.

My fear doesn’t make me automatically assume every guy is a rapist, just like I don’t assume every spider is poisonous but it only takes one. Once I know I get to know them better, I do lose the anxiety over it. But I realised she’s just going to belittle my PTSD symptoms so what sort of friend is she?  Not a best friend. I thought I had her. I have no one. So just searching for a little support I turn to chat rooms. I found two good ones, one mainly comprised of teens and the other mainly adults but more specific on mental illness. But it’s still not making me feel better.

I know the fear is irrational but this is my problem. I’m going to be in a class full of boys. Not one girl to latch onto for safety and I know it’s pathetic. I know. But I don’t like being on my own with strange boys and any one I tell thinks it’s stereotyping. But I’m not thinking in my head “they’re definitely going to rape me”. I’m just hoping that not a single one of you are. But how do you explain that.

I’m still lonely. I go out once a week. I haven’t seen a friend since March. I have no friends left really and it’s just… I can’t even explain how I feel.

So I’m not doing great. Spending every night crying and self harming isn’t exactly how I pictured the run up until my 18th birthday but, here we are.

I had an induction day thing at the college. I applied for the level 2. Saw my GCSE grades, basically forced me onto level 3 with the promise I could move down if I couldn’t cope. I knew not telling them I was bipolar was going to bite me on arse. If I had written it down, I could just say I don’t feel mentally competent enough to do it. Plus they start on the 1st of September and I have my scan then (yes my scan came through) Now my dad had to write a letter and they’re going to hate me and I realise I don’t want to do the course anyway. I want to wait until next year and do the counselling course but because of child benefit I have to be in full time education so it’s a filler year but I can’t do school again. Not when I don’t like the course.

My mental health is taking a turn for the worse again and I have no one or no where to turn to and I don’t like asking for help but I’m desperate here.



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