Being a month too late

It’s been 25 days since my last blog post and that is really unacceptable. I’m sorry. I’ve been meaning to write one for a while but things just kinda went on. So what’s been happening?

Well the lamotrigine seems to be managing my moods quite well, I find if I miss a dose though, I get hypomanic symptoms and so that may or may not be a bad thing. Here’s the thing, I could explain why I do actually miss bipolar sometimes but I feel this accurately summarises my feelings towards the subject: (x)

Now, having had no responsibilities, the idea of a short relapse sounds like an interesting thing, if for nothing more than to see how far this actually takes your moods if you were to stop taking it for a week. I feel like the theory might be better than the practical.

I know a lot of people are thinking that I’ve got rid of a crippling mental illness, I shouldn’t miss it, I should be happy but I think when you’ve had something dictating your whole life and having positive and negative aspects it’s hard not to miss it because it was a big part of your life and being out of it isn’t as comfortable as you’d hope it would be.

I am currently going doctors for having missed my periods for 3 months, since it is nothing hormonal and I am ovulating it is time for a scan. I have not had my scan get and should expect an appointment in the next 2 weeks. But as far as my current physical health in terms of periods,I am fine. Not really any cramping or pain so as a short term kinda gal, I don’t mind.

I recently applied to college for Level 2 IT BTEC and I GOT IN! Woop. I think I mentioned in a previous post how I was overqualified for the course but the interviewer who was also my tutor for level 2 said I should try for a level 3 but to be honest, I don’t want to. Level 3 is a 2 year course and I’m not ready to commit to IT that much when I have an interest in studying counselling.

The tests went well, in the beginning I went to the wrong place which is the most embarrassing thing EVER but I eventually got to the right place and the tests took about 1 1/2 -2 hours and F2 was the highest levels, I got most L1 – L2 in both literacy and numeracy but a few E2’s? The levels go: E1 E2 E3 F1 F2

You also had to fill in forms about your learning and there was a thing about dyslexia in it. I wanted to tick most of the ‘most of the time’ boxes but I knew that would indicate me having a learning disability that I didn’t actually have and I didn’t want that sort of help, I guess is the right word.

I also didn’t mention the whole ‘bipolar’ thing because again I don’t want the whole checking in on your mental health thing. I will probably regret this down the road but hey.

I also have to hand in a reference which I don’t mind doing but since education is the only place I can get a formal reference from I have to get it from my old college and whilst that is going to be the most embarrassing and anxiety inducing thing, I will do it. My problem is school is close for summer so I don’t know how I could get one until it re-opened. But I will have to figure this out.

Am I looking forward to going back to school? No.

More on the mental: so paranoia and anxiety have sort of become a problem. Paranoia I’m being watched. Paranoia all my friends and everyone I’ve interacted with hate me. This feeds into my anxiety. My social anxiety is at an all time high for a stable period. I’m not happy. My psychologist from therapy says it might be my body’s defence mechanism to protect me from going into stuff, if that’s true I don’t want to go into stuff. Especially when I am going back to school AND she is leaving in October and having 2 weeks off in July, basically she’s opening a can of worms and leaving. Why would I want that?


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