Or CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and as much as I would love to explain what it is or the pros or cons, all I understand about it is you talk and they suggest stuff and it helps… So far it’s made me feel worse. I feel more depressed. I mean the problem with CBT is, I’m not going to have major break throughs because I already know what bad/unhealthy things I do and I don’t want to change them. I like how I am. I like the way I act. I like the choice I make (most of the time), I may complain a lot but I am happy with how I am. The main point of the first CBT appointment is what I was doing about school.
Both Miss D and my dad believe “I am a bright girl and I shouldn’t waste that”… I don’t believe in God so I believe I wasn’t gifted with this brightness, I got it myself through hard work so if I want to waste it, shouldn’t I be able to?
I told Miss D I didn’t want to go back to school and she told me to go to connexions which for people outside of the UK is a place where teenagers, mainly can go and get advice on help on post 16 options such as apprenticeships, jobs and foundation courses which I’m not entirely sure what they are and to find out you have to actually go into connexions, which I would definitely have done if connexions was still 3 miles away but that one closed down and the nearest one is… further than 3 miles away, probably about 20 miles which involves going on a bus which wouldn’t usually cause that much anxiety but I have yet to use my new bus pass so I don’t know if I can get from where I live to where I need to be or if it even works.
But I realised, it is June soon and I will have to decide whether I want to go back to school. So I talked to my dad about it and he got all pissed off because I was bringing it up and he says “well you have two months to decide” like no. I have to decide next month and I know he makes decisions (bad ones) in the space of a minute; even important ones and then spends all night worrying about it because those decisions usually blow up in his face.
My usual thing is to talk to people, write about it, get advice so that I can make a fully informed, formed decision. But since my dad and Miss D won’t let me talk through my options, I know how the next few months are going to play out.
Before I start, let me just tell you this: I don’t like medication, to quote what I said in CBT today, “I have no ambition, no skills, no goals. If I don’t have bipolar, what do I have left?” which is partly my reasoning. Now considering the fact my dad still keeps pills out of reach from me and still keeps a tight grasp on money, he obviously knows how bad the episodes are, yet he is perfectly willing to let me stop medication. No arguing, no trying to persuade, just agreement and that annoys me. Like why do all this stuff to make me better and then not give a fuck if I stop?
Anyway, what I’m going to do: I will say I’m going back to school, I will do the four easiest A levels, do the bare minimum work, generally not give a fuck just because I don’t want to be there, I’m not happy. But this also involves going off my medication because I am happier that way and plus it’s easier to lose your mind at school.