Lost

I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling. I guess the ambiguous title of “lost” is a helpful hint as to how I am feeling but I honestly can’t describe that feeling. I think I’ve always been a bit lost and as much as I’d love to go backpacking around Europe trying to find myself, I haven’t the money so for now I’ll have to try and find myself by watching other people go on adventures.

After I almost fainted in the supermarket, prazosin which if you have forgotten I take for PTSD, I was told to try it in the morning and if that didn’t help, stop for a while. I’m still on lamotrigine, I think my dose it 175mg but I’m not entirely sure, it may be 150mg. I think lamotrigine has curbed the lowest depths of depression and the highest heights of mania but I’m still not ‘stable’ yet.

But here’s my problem: I don’t feel myself. Like if I was to stab you and then prick your finger you are unlikely to notice the pain associated with the prick. That’s how I feel in a way. To explain the anology: I feel like I have felt intense emotions (pain from being stabbed) and so to go back to ‘normal’ emotions doesn’t feel right and doesn’t have the same intensity it would for most people (prick of the finger). So I think when people say anti-depressants or mood stablizers make them feel numb, it’s not that they actually make them feel numb, they get rid of the depression and since that’s all someone has had for years, they don’t know how they’re supposed to feel so anything less is seen as a numbness and I think that’s the best way to describe how I feel.

So when I was taking the prazosin, I was actually happy when I felt nauseous or dizzy or lightheaded because I was feeling pain, a physical pain, a physical affliction that sort of tricked the brain into thinking “well no need to feel all dulled today” so when I started getting less side effects, I stopped taking it for a week so I could get the side effects back. Just to feel something in an extreme sense.

All of this kind of makes me feel like I would rather suffer through the immense pain of bipolar mood swings then not have anything at all.

I suppose all of this more paints the picture of someone emotionally numbed and confused rather than lost. But I am feeling lost. I don’t know what it is. Whether it’s the fact I don’t do anything except watch things and blog (and I can’t even keep up with this blog regularly enough), I recently go my braces off and I have buck teeth so there’s a self esteem crisis there, I don’t do a single thing that is even moderately constructive and I really don’t want to go back to school and I feel like I want to be dead. Not commit suicide. Just be dead. It’s a weird feeling.

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