I find that no matter how many depressed episodes I have in a year or even a month, I’m constantly surprised when I end up depressed again. I find myself wondering why though…
Why do I expect different results. I once heard the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So I suppose that explains it. Usually depression is awful but it’s usually more on the psychological side but recently I find myself getting headaches, chest pain, eye twitch and coughing and like when I get any symptom I just type “[symptom] stress” into google and if stress causes it then no need to worry but add that with excessive sweating, up to the where I’m willing to diagnose myself with hyperhidrosis and submit to the treatment which is small electrical currents through water onto your hands. Guess another trip to the doctor is in order. I guess it could be a side effect but I’ve always had a problem with excessively sweaty hands but now my feet are involved it’s time to say no.
Which brings me, in a round about way, to my next point: have you ever insisted medication isn’t the way to go?
I’m not a big believer in mediating. I’m a big believer in medicating. But I think the medication I believe in are the ones that give you highs. I’ve been slowly reducing my lamotrigine dose because I really don’t want to take it anymore. I think what leads me there is several things, but the main one? I like being bipolar Not in a “I wish this on people, it’s awesome” sort of way. Just it’s hard to imagine a life where your emotions aren’t felt so deeply where a natural high doesn’t happen at least one every 4 months, I mean when you get a high a lot of people would pay to have, can you just turn your back on it?
I think that’s why having someone to coach you through it is important. I say this but I’ve been cancelling my appointments with my psych nurse and why? Well 2 reasons. One she wants to do benefit stuff and I don’t want to because I don’t think I should get payment when I am technically well enough to get a part time job (despite the fact everyone I know disagrees) and two, I don’t trust her. I just don’t. I think she treats me with kid gloves because she doesn’t like my dad and then makes discreet jabs about him and if my sister and I fall out because she called him a tw** then I am going to fall out with someone I barely know and is supposed to be helping me.
I found a chart recently:
Now based on this scale I’ll say I’m a 2 and as far as I’m concerned, there’s a whole continent between 2 and 1 and if I’m talking about Europe here with Russia being 1 and UK being 2, I’d put myself in Poland with a horrible long treck waiting to cross Russia. Whether the treck actually happens is what I’m debating myself right now. I’d just wish depression would cut to the chase and stick in one state of discontent.