I really don’t know where to begin with this blog. I guess I’ll start with HAPPY EASTER! I know it’s 1am-ish where I am but the though is still there.
Next I will move onto pills. I don’t actually know my doses, I just kind of take whatever pills I’m handed. For all I know I could be being poisoned. Lamotrigine has taken the edge of mania but when I was on my last dose, it didn’t do much for depression. I had a good bout of hypomania (hence the lack of blogging) but I feel it’s over now. One day I’ll show case my amazing art work from hypomania but today is not that day. I think I’m sinking into the depths of depression again *sighs* and I wish I could say I was ready. I’m ready for a few days but then it kind of hits you like a hurricane and you’re like “well this is awful” and well if this medication works, I’ll be all the better for it. As for the prozasin, it works on the trauma based nightmares like the nightmares that are second for second repeating past traumas but as for the normal nightmares which I now realise I get a lot, they make them more vivid and since they haven’t already happened, I can convince myself they’re not real but when I think of my past history of deja vu… It gets disconcerting at times.
Next to the list of things I’m looking forward to: Orphan Black coming back on the TV, Teen Wolf in June, getting paid for some jobs I did for my dad, seeing EH again, hopefully seeing my favourite author next year in London (Progress series 😉 ), buying house MD and watching it. I don’t know. I guess there’s a lot of things to look forward to when you’re on that path between depression and mania and hoping that the scales tip back into your favour. Best to be using that positive energy whilst you still have it.
Now onto this nightmare week. I will warn before you read this, this has a lot of mention of harm to a person (could be classed as self harm), emotional abuse and I should probably warn for violence too.
So I don’t know whether I ever mentioned that at one time I was on a teen depression site, this was when I was just getting used to my illness and at first thought “kids my age will get it” but then after signing up to a bipolar site run by the same company that people with bipolar get it more than kids my age. Anyway, I still get friend requests despite the fact I haven’t been on in a long time and I got a friend request and since his username contained my city name, I was intrigued. So I went on and I said what I say to all people who add me “hey, thanks for the add. You okay?” and we started talking, exchanged emails and then the site shut down. Yes. It actually shut down this week. But it was okay because we had each other’s email. Then we exchanged kik usernames which if you don’t know what kik is it’s an instant messaging service and it shows when a message has sent, delivered and been read. Sort of like the facebook messaging service. We got on and he was annoying flirty and then he says he loves me and well firstly, I at this current moment in time prefer people who present themselves more feminine like genders closer to girls so I was annoyed a little but can’t help your emotions I guess. So I was prepared to get over it. Plus I was a little scared as he had a criminal record for ABH and was in a gang and had anger problems.. So I was willing to let it slide.
Here’s where it all goes wrong.
He tells me he’s going to have a ‘wet dream’ about me and I tell him that’s inappropriate, I don’t like him in that way and then he starts sending these annoying as hell emoticons of sad faces, if I could punch an emoticon, I would have punched. every. single. one and threatening to commit suicide because I didn’t let him do what he wanted – well obviously he can dream about what he likes, just I don’t want him telling me. So after a while of threatening to commit suicide and threatening to cut his wrists, I text JLS who I haven’t spoken to in weeks mainly because it was stressing me out and I needed to gossip and vent and by the end I told him to do what he wants, it’s his body. If he wants to die, it’s his choice. Harsh? Heartless? All of the above? Probably. I think I was the one to stop talking but continued talking about it with JLS. I knew he wasn’t going to commit suicide, he was very obviously doing it to manipulate me as he began to blame me for him self harming and him going to commit suicide. I expected him not to talk to me the next morning. He did. So I obviously, being a smart ass, said “oh, so you’re not dead then.” – How many of you want to slap me right now? Well it gets worse. I say they he can’t just ignore what happened last night and he said he didn’t remember. I had saved the screen shots I was sending to JLS so I sent them to him and eventually he remembered and I forgave him because apparently I can put up with that sort of mental manipulation and emotional abuse. Side note: he also threatened to beat up my friends.
Now to understand this next bit, I need to explain something about what happened on the night he threatened to commit suicide, he kept saying bye to me and eventually changed his kik name to “bye bye bye bye” and when I asked him why he said “cus I did” and that pissed me off. So back to today, I changed my name to “Paris – Saying Goodbye<3” and that, in all honesty, was a reference to a song I was listening to. So he said “your name whose it about?” and I said “none of your business” so at first he said “is it about a friend?” “no” and then he starts to list a bunch of animals. I ask if he thinks it’s about him and I said it wasn’t (but it was PERFECT timing) Then after I joked it was about dinosaurs, I thought that was the end. Then he says “black people monkeys” and I sit there thinking “is that a breed of monkeys?” Autocorrect? His dyslexia? So I ask. He then goes off on a racist ranting saying how he “wants to kill all black people”, it’s not like he said a racist slur which is bad but when you call people out on them, they tend to stop using them but he went straight to Hitler and genocide. I really lost it at that point. I seem to be able to take anything against me but when it comes to something like this, that’s it. So still continuing to send screen shots of the conversation to JLS and she encourages me, we begin to argue. I said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and that I was going to block him so he starts saying he’ll start cutting and he goes on and on and on and on and on and eventually I get really tired of it. So when he sends me a screen shot of him holding a knife to his stomach, threatening to stab himself. I sit there and I’m not proud of this, say “do it.” He didn’t do it, I was 100% sure he wouldn’t. He did attest to breaking a wall though but it seems to me he’s a pathological liar and manipulator so I took with a pinch of salt. All the while sending these chats to JLS and I probably should have blocked him then but damn it to Hell! I needed to have the last word. It’s like a damn illness. So we argued, I mainly called him a prick. Then when I said “that’s it I’m blocking you” he went grovelling and making me feel guilty which is when JLS said it was time to block him. So I did.but see, I just couldn’t not tell people. I was stressed and I really needed to tell people and so I told… basically all my friends… and everyone on this blog…. and everyone on my tumblr blog but see one of my friends either has the best faith in people or is extremely cynical but she wanted some screen shots of the conversation as proof and since I had deleted all the ones I took for JLS, I had to unblock him to get the chat back to take the screen shots.
When I unblocked him, all the chat messages started coming in that he sent after I blocked him. See, if I just had ignored the messages I wouldn’t have gotten into another argument but he basically said he was going back to prison and it was my fault and I was confused and intrigued. So obviously I asked him. He says it’s because of the knife thing. So I told him that wouldn’t mean prison. That means mental hospital. Another argument ensues. Including him calling me a “hoe”. Charming, right? Anyway, blocked again. See the thing is with emotional abusers they get right under your skin, so you worry. I worried he was going to commit suicide, so I felt like I needed to keep a line of communication open which resulted in a lot of blocking, unblocking, ignoring, arguing. But JLS, EH, Scruffy (nickname) and the rest of you are thinking the same thing as them I bet, I should just leave him to his own devices and so far I have but I still think I have a problem. I don’t know whether I identify the right choice and intentionally pick the wrong one or just decide to go against what people say is the best thing. Intentionally self destructive I wonder?
I don’t know what’ll happen but as far as I’m concerned, it’s over.