Dropping out

So for the past few weeks I’ve been faced with an impossible challenge and to paraphrase Shakespeare: “To drop out or not to drop out” – of school that is.

Now, my outreach worker Toni originally said that the best thing, she thought, for me was to leave school. I was torn. My dad didn’t want me dropping out unless I had something else to do. My consultant has never commented. But I was still torn. I asked JS and her opinion was I should stay so she isn’t alone, if the reason for her wanting me to stay was more focused on me, I wouldn’t mind but it wasn’t so did her opinion really count as anything for me? No, not really. So I asked the only person I know who has been in a similar situation due to her aspergers. She said I should do what would be best for my mental state. So I thought. I used to have a day off a week, a day turned into 3, 3 days turned into entire weeks off school I didn’t much see the point in still going when I’d missed a lot of lesson content.

My decision may have been spur of the moment. Maybe it was the panic attacks and the no sleep the night before I had to go to school. Maybe it was the fact I haven’t spoken to anyone in the mental health profession in months about my declining mental state because my dad was in the same room. Maybe it was even my wish to do nothing but watch tv shows all day. Any of those could have forced my hand to decide that dropping out of college (which would be the equivalent to high school in America) and I know that I regret the decision on and off because it doesn’t make a difference what I do anymore. I’m on 100mg of Lamotrigine and I seen no end to my depression, I can’t remember whether the consultant said it works better on depression or mania but I haven’t see a rise in the depression. I’ve had manic moments recently which lends credit to the fact I could be going into an area of mania but I don’t know if that’s true or not.

I’ve kind of given up on guessing.

My sleep schedule is kind of fucked up at the moment. I know it usually is but I’ve been falling asleep at 6am and waking up around 10am – 11am or sometimes saying up till 10am and sleeping till 2am. Not exactly the healthiest sleep schedule but not the most unhealthiest I’ve ever had, so I guess that’s something positive.

My plans for the next few months I hear you ask?
No idea.
No freaking clue.
Suggestions are welcome.

I’d say try and get better but aside from taking my medication and staying vaguely social, that’s not a lot I can do. I know I’ll get suggestions on what I can do to make myself better but I really am not in the mood for a pep talk from professionals who REALLY don’t seem to know what they’re doing.

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2 thoughts on “Dropping out

  1. I know absolutely nothing about the school system where you live, but my best recommendation would be to do something where you have some sort of structure, whether that be a treatment program, school, a job, etc. It doesn’t sound like you’re able to go to school right now, so maybe a treatment program would be better? Also, it would help to regulate your sleep schedule so you are awake during the day and asleep at night…that might sound like a no-brainer, but with bipolar disorder, sleep is crucial, and routine and schedule is crucial. You can take my word for it…I spent a whole lot of time ignoring both and being miserable and now that I have finally worked myself into a good place, the only things that screw me up are not getting enough sleep and not sticking to a schedule.

    • I think you’re right with the treatment programme but so far the only person who could get me into something like that, I haven’t seen in coming up to 4 weeks (so much for a two week holiday) and I haven’t had a chance to discuss it with anyone.
      I’ve tried to regulate my sleep schedule, it’s difficult when you only sleep 4 hours a night because that’s basically a long nap so if I got to bed at midnight I’m up at 4am with nothing to do but when I go to sleep at 6am, I wake up at about 10am and I haven’t wasted the entire day (unless I’ve dissociated which is a whole other story :P).
      I believe you, I always feel better with a structure. Idk about a good nights sleep because I haven’t experienced a good nights sleep in three years (give or take a few months). I think if I could get a structure, my sleep schedule would go to that of a normal person and then I just get a better quality of sleep and I should feel a little better. xx

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