Do ever find yourself in a situation that makes you realise: “fuck, I’m actully not okay.”
I’ve had one of those moments recently. For a little while now, my PTSD symptoms have been on the improving scale. I’ve had a few night without nightmares which is a break from the every night relentless torture from nightmares. Then, today I was watching a TV show and then there was bang and I shot up, my legs, my breath quicked. But I calmed down, it happened a few more time with banging. Like people pushing things into their locker, things falling out. I calmed down. Took my medication. Continued watching the show. For a while, everything great. Watching my TV, eating a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. It was good. Then, things on the screen begin to blur and spilt a little. I remembered one of the side effects of zoplidem being double vision. So I put up with. it.
I turn to my board on my wall where I write the things I have to remember like meds, homework, places to be, occassional shopping list. Now in this picture it is hard to see. But basically there is an alien creature, top right. I usually use that as being (0,0) and I just get the feeling it’s watching me and as you can see THERE IS ONLY ONE OF THEM. But they seem to have reproduced and there are two of them. Now one of them is travelling towards me, on a white board of it’s own with worn away pen marks of what is written on. Like I would think double vision is they weren’t continually moving. One set moves alone my wall, like trying to be the furthest away it cam from me but the other one looks evil, like he’s got teeth and the one with the teeth keeps coming towards me but shrinking itself as it get towards me but when it gets to me and I’m facing it it’s small and tinted pink. Just a small tinted pink verison of my whiteboard. Except the lettering is different on the board coming toward me, rather than away. The things I wrote, the words I wrote, seem to have been gone over in red. I mean the texture, from looking make me realise it’s probably just a red white board pen. I mean that’s good at least it’s not blood, she laughs. Oh God I just referred to myself in third person… I really have lost it. I have realised though that if I look away when they come closer that they tend to go back and start over, like my attention is what fuels them. One of them still looks distinctly evil than the others. I don’t know what I’m dealing with here but I am not going to tolerate hour+ sessions of hallucinating . Nope not going to fly. I mean I let the auditory hallucinations continue but nope visuals aren’t allowed. Nope. Unless they’re the manic happy ones with the pink rabbit thing and the pokemon style animals. That’ll fly but I will not have homicidal melon heads in my brain. nopenope.