I offer no excuse.

So my last blog was on the 16th February which is exactly two weeks ago. A lot has happened in the past two weeks.
Now firstly, I was supposed to go to my psychometric meeting BUT Dr EH was ill and cancelled and now we need a  new appointment. So I have to do that. The waiting of it all drives me nuts.

Then I went and saw Toni (I have literally forgotten the acroynm I used for her so just Toni)
Toni meeting #1

She started with the blood pressures and asking how my medication is (lamotrigine – not working at this present moment). Then she said about a free bus pass since I can’t drive now technically I’m not allowed to drive so I get the free bus pass and the only work I have to do is give a passport photo which we had some left over from getting my provisional drivers license which I don’t use for driving but for other forms of ID e.g. buying things 16 years and under can’t buy and eventually being 18 and needing my ID for alcohol and tattoos – I realise how bad that sounds. Anyway, that was kosher, I saw no problems relatively.
Then she says about PIP. Now for those of you who don’t live in England or for those who do live in England but have not come across is PIP – Personal Independent Payment. They’re the replacement for the disability benefit system and is a little wider to ‘hidden’ disabilities. Now, here’s the thing. Free money? Sounds great. But it’s not free, it’s from tax payers and if I had something to do with it that would help my disability I wouldn’t say no. But I would squander the money. I don’t need hired staff to take care of me, I don’t need to hire anything extraneous to accommodate me, unless you count art supplies and a sick bucket for when my pills make me vomit counts as something that disability allowance should rightly be spent on. It’s a matter of morals here. Toni said that if I get it it’ll help give me more independence, paying my own way in meals, going out, hanging with friends and all round will make me better. Now the meeting ended with Toni asking for nhs number or some social security number idk and a bunch of other numbers and forms .

I was seeing EH on Thursday and painted penguins which I will upload soon – the pics not the penguins. So the next appointment was a Friday. Two days after the last.

Toni appointment 2

Handed over the stuff for the bus pass – all settled as far as everyone is concerned and I should be given it… whenever, I guess.

The discussion about PIP started and I, over the phone had to give all the details and when they mentioned my old last name, my dad went ballistic but I told him I was finishing this call because I know about bad customers shouting through the lines even though they’re just reading a script. So we finished the process and I begin to talk to Toni about the school situation.

Toni has been talking to my head of sixth form about me taking time off from school and starting again in year 12. Basically repeating year 12. A lot of you may scoff. But there are mixed reviews. Depending on the child it is the best thing that ever happened or the worst thing. So I had the holidays to think about it. So I thought… and I thought…. and I thought… and then I thought… then I drank some cola…. and then I thought some and realising this didn’t help I asked around. The people who know me, love me and should know what I think is best for me or what they think is best for me at least.
Dad: he basically said I have two options he could support: staying on at college but potentially failing or leaving college but having something else instead of 4-6 months in bed, doing nothing.
– That limited my choice between two. So I go to the two people who I thought would know about this stuff, one (EH) having been though a non traditional way of education and the other (JLS) knowing the school system and what I can be like.
EH: Basically boiled down to it’s my choice and if I’m really unhappy at school, I should leave but she got my dad’s point of view.
JLS: You should stay what am I going to do without my best friend? *now back to her drama*

Emotion pleasantries aren’t helpful. But I realised that until people came up with solutions of what I would be doing instead of school, I’m stuck.  But on Friday, (the next week), things happen. A car rams the back of my dad’s car by accident. My neck is jolted and my dad gets some numbers he needs as it was a ‘smalll’ dent but a few hours later when the shock had worn off my neck was killing me. We see Dr C (my consultant) about meds and Toni is going to drive me to school (least that’s what we thought) so I can have a chat with Mr M (head of sixth form).
My consultancy boiled down to? Lamotrigine: 50mg.
New dose Lamotrigine: 75mg
And she said I would probably find my way to over 100mg of the stuff. And I laughed. It wasn’t meant to be funny. Another medication was added zoplidem (10mg), some of you may know it better as ambien.

My dad actually has to drive me to the meeting. He leaves and I piss about and talk to people and manage to get to reception just in time for Toni to walk in and want to sign the forms saying “yo i’m a visitor up in thiiss bitch” – yeah well attempt at humour. Not a very good bit. Anyway so we have a chat whilst we wait for Mr M and I ask what would I be doing if I didn’t go to school, what groups are there I could join? She said “well some people like going to the gym… um, can’t think of much else. I’ll have a think about it.” so now I am going into a meeting with not enough fact to support the only condition that means leaving school. So whilst in there I try and stay away from any definitive answers without saying “I had a week to think about it and I really don’t fucking know”. Now Toni was supposed to be FOR me leaving education, Mr M was obviously hesitant and said I could continue, give it a few more weeks and see how you feel, you can leave any time you want.
Um, nooo. I need to tell a bunch of people, I can’t just go. Like stand up in the middle of English class and say “adios bitches, I get a 6 month holiday”. But Toni had begun to side with him. My problem with that? I don’t know where my head is at. All I know is it was a bed and a laptop (and working wifi) and that is literally as definitive as I get. So because I don’t know where my head is at I don’t always know what’s the right course of action futurely. Presently, I need a good lie down and a sleep. In the future no idea what I want. She was supposed to speak for the looking forward side of me but she back peddled with Mr M because Mr M believes I want to go to university and when I said I didn’t he said “apply anyway.” Um. no. But that is an issue for a later debate. That meeting boiled down to carry on EXACTLY how you were before. . . Thanks.

Now she’s off for two weeks. I have to suffer at school for two weeks. I can’t ask her questions. For two weeks. A fornight. Two weeks.

When I first took a zoplidem, I was dizzy, blurred vision, a little high. It was brilliant so I couldn’t wait for the next hit. But it didn’t work, really and it didn’t make me sleep. It did make me act out a dream in bed but that’s it. Then next night, no sleep. So, I bring out ingredients book for a drugs cocktail (and make it dirty). I took 10mg of diazepam, 1000mg of co-codamol and 10mg of zoplidem. Admittedly, that was an allright sleep. Short but sweet. Until I feel asleep later on and had a horrific nightmare. Doesn’t make you sleep that well or that long and it doesn’t make you high. I give it a 6/10.

I also dyed my hair black, not a manic thing. Opposite of a manic thing. The depression was sick of the bright blonde in my hair and constantly having to hide my dark roots so black. Plus I feel it suits my costume for this convention I’m going to – MY FIRST ONE ACTUALLY. I’m dressing as a torchwood operative and really want my photo taken with Eve Myles and Kai Owens. It’s going to be awesome. But I have to get £20 together to get a picture taken together.

Now, here’s a question to my fellow bipolar bears…
have you ever induced mania? Started mania yourself? Purposefully took something or put your self in a situation that would cause mania?

Is there a dilemma here or is escaping the crushing feeling of depressed and the noose feeling of suicidal tendencies worth it? I mean I’m at the point where it’s been several weeks, I’m stressed out, I’m overworked, I’m so down in the hole I built myself I think there’s no way out.

Whilst out buying my hair dye, I see ProPlus – basically caffeine pills and I think to myself, what to do? I mean I could take one a day to stay awake in class OR I could take several and see if I can’t kick myself into high gear and get a manic or at least an hypomanic episode. I mean if my body has bad tolerance to medications this could work well, meaning side effects of medications that are trying to help me cause bad side effects. Caffeine, a pill that is in some case bad could trigger a manic episode and I could be free of depression for just a little while. I’ll see what I think tomorrow.


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