Suicide blonde.

Suicide blonde – dyed by her own hand
(noun.
a bottle blonde who has bleach-fried his or her hair to a very light shade with peroxide because he or she is naturally dark-haired.)

Which is a totally applicable to me because I am dark haired and now I am very blonde especially after the last time of dyeing my roots. Also, I’ve been feeling suicidal so there’s that.

So what has happened in my bubble recently?Β Lamotrigine. That happened. Welcome to my new medication. Welcome to the world where any slight change of skin colour is now Steven-Johnson’s syndrome because I managed to scare myself to death by googling images of the syndrome and seeing a person without teeth. I HAVE NO GONE THROUGH 2-3 YEARS OF BRACES TO LOSE MY TEETH BECAUSE OF MEDICATION. But yes, that is now my world and I have called it ‘Paris’ Paranoid Rash World’ and you can only buy a one way ticket.

I’ve recently watched Batman cartoons because why not? And fallen in love with Gotham’s girl – Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. Add them to the list of people I want together but will never get together. I’ve stayed reasonably on top of my tv shows but relatively underwhelmed by a lot of them because of my old demonic friend – depression. Hello, depression. You’re back in full force again and breaking me one day at a time. I learned recently that it was common to get depression for a few months and then mania a few years later and then few years later depression and so on and all I have to say is… You are relatively lucky. I mean it’s awful when you come out but to have it only once or twice every 3-5 years is pretty lucky compared to someone who never gets a break which is why I’ve been diagnosed with:

ATYPICAL BIPOLAR DISORDER

Basically that means I don’t fit into a type of bipolar. Not bipolar I or bipolar II and I thought I was bipolar II to be honest. Though I am glad the consultant has given me a diagnosis but despite the fact I write a lot of things dedicated to bipolar I have trouble believing the diagnosis sometimes, like why is it bipolar and not a bad set of teenage hormones? I mean how did they differentiate and do I have to live with this label all my life? Is it even a label I need? Are you 100000% sure it’s not something else?

My bed is now my safe haven and respite and somehow the only place that makes me feel a little less depressed when the door is closed. I took 10mg of diazepam last night to sleep and I am still tired, is a nap in order? I think so. Is depression is order? Nope. I walk past my canvases and think to myself “when will I get back to that again?” Not for a while I guess…
But hopefully sooner than I think *crosses fingers*

In other news, I have an appointment with Miss D on Thursday (I think) and psychometric test next Tuesday. So wish me luck for that too, guys. Because I have no idea what sorts of things you do on a psychometric test, anyone know?

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25 thoughts on “Suicide blonde.

  1. ahhhhh another med change for you. I am sorry the Abilify wasn’t better suited for you Munchkin. The testing I thought you had this before. Do/answer each question honestly as there are usually other questions that ask the same thing in a very different way to act as a safeguard for reliability. There are no right or wrong answers, mostly it is just to see who you are. πŸ™‚

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