I’m either one or the other and that postpones a lot. A little too low was last year and a little too high is this year and whilst I can see the metaphor in leaving 2013 on a low and coming in on a high and maybe thinking it’s the universes subtle message of saying this year is going to better, I somehow doubt it but not because of pessimism, just because I know science and science says bipolar is a cycle and it’s just that time of the cycle. I mean if I got my period on new years day, I wouldn’t predict the universe was saying I was going to spend this year bloody.
The high has been interesting, I’ve taken drugs (technically I did have a prescription at a point in time) to soothe it but I somehow always find myself riding the crazy train which is why a worried psychiatrist has only given me 4 days between appointments. Just because I kept talking, I stole stickers and post it notes and went off topic a lot, is that a cause for concern?
I went to the GP earlier in the week and he put me on diazepam to relax my muscles… they’re addictive as well as my drug of choice for a suicide last year so my dad was called in but did my doctor stop there? No, he did not. He went on about sex drive. I handle my sex drive the good ol’ no risk of pregnancy way, masturbating and vibrators. I kiss people on the cheeks, I did fondle someone’s breasts but masturbating and vibrators all the damn way. But I’m not about to tell anyone that otherwise both my fingers and vibrator will be taken away from me. So when my dad later asked if it was true, I avoided the conversation by spraying him with sanitizer. As for alcohol, give it to me anytime. Well.. maybe not now. Today I took the new dosage of 800g in the morning but felt headachey, dizzy, had coordination problems and blurry vision and thought – my thoughts are still spinning, diazepam please! So 5mg of diazepam and I slept 2-3 hours and when I woke up my jaw hurt so I took some procoedicial (something like that) and well… I was as high as a kite. I don’t remember most of what happened but I do remember feeling very loose and free and very out of it which I was glad of. Between bipolar, PTSD and teenage angst I was giving myself a run for anyone’s money.
So as of the 11 full days of the new year I’d probably rate it 7/10. I’d faced my fear of law and English. Mania (still). Drugs. On the reasons why I lost the 3 marks – paranoia, arguments, school start back up, drugs and having to spray sanitizer to stop a conversation about sex.