A little too high. A little too low.

I’m either one or the other and that postpones a lot. A little too low was last year and a little too high is this year and whilst I can see the metaphor in leaving 2013 on a low and coming in on a high and maybe thinking it’s the universes subtle message of saying this year is going to better, I somehow doubt it but not because of pessimism, just because I know science and science says bipolar is a cycle and it’s just that time of the cycle. I mean if I got my period on new years day, I wouldn’t predict the universe was saying I was going to spend this year bloody.

The high has been interesting, I’ve taken drugs (technically I did have a prescription at a point in time) to soothe it but I somehow always find myself riding the crazy train which is why a worried psychiatrist has only given me 4 days between appointments. Just because I kept talking, I stole stickers and post it notes and went off topic a lot, is that a cause for concern?

I went to the GP earlier in the week and he put me on diazepam to relax my muscles… they’re addictive as well as my drug of choice for a suicide last year so my dad was called in but did my doctor stop there? No, he did not. He went on about sex drive. I handle my sex drive the good ol’ no risk of pregnancy way, masturbating and vibrators. I kiss people on the cheeks, I did fondle someone’s breasts but masturbating and vibrators all the damn way. But I’m not about to tell anyone that otherwise both my fingers and vibrator will be taken away from me. So when my dad later asked if it was true, I avoided the conversation by spraying him with sanitizer. As for alcohol, give it to me anytime. Well.. maybe not now. Today I took the new dosage of 800g in the morning but felt headachey, dizzy, had coordination problems and blurry vision and thought – my thoughts are still spinning, diazepam please! So 5mg of diazepam and I slept 2-3 hours and when I woke up my jaw hurt so I took some procoedicial (something like that) and well… I was as high as a kite. I don’t remember most of what happened but I do remember feeling very loose and free and very out of it which I was glad of. Between bipolar, PTSD and teenage angst I was giving myself a run for anyone’s money.

So as of the 11 full days of the new year I’d probably rate it 7/10. I’d faced my fear of law and English. Mania (still). Drugs. On the reasons why I lost the 3 marks – paranoia, arguments, school start back up, drugs and having to spray sanitizer to stop a conversation about sex.

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14 thoughts on “A little too high. A little too low.

  1. I laughed out loud at the period bit! I really hope things start looking up for you. I mean, maybe not TOO up, what with the whole mania business and all. But I wish you all the stability in the world šŸ™‚

  2. So I’m quite a bit older than you, like almost 25 years older, and reading your posts took me back to 1984 when I was going through those things. I’m old I know. All I can say is, be glad you are in 2014 and not 1984. They did nothing for anybody in the 80’s. The term bipolar wasn’t widely known, It was called crazy. If you acted crazy, they’d just beat you withing an inch of your life and tell you to quit it. No therpaist. If you spray a parent with sanitzer back then he could almost kill you and the judge would take his side and you go to DFCS or Juvy.. Don’t know what its called in England but that’s what its called over here. All I can say is once you hit late 30’s early 40’s and look back on this, it doesn’t seem as traumatic. And the sex thing, everybody got pregnant inthe 80’s in cluding me. Other than planned parent hood who promotes abortion, there was no talking or stopping anybody from having sex. I’ll be thinking of you.

    • Wait? What? What the fuck are you actually talking about?

      Sorry about the whole “crazy” thing but mine was genetic and so I do know how people treated bipolar people in the 80s and even earlier. But what has that got to do with this post?
      Then me spraying sanitiser at a parent. Hm, well he didn’t kill me or even try to due to my lack of being in hospital. It was literally hand sanitiser across a shirt so if he did take the way out of proportion choice of killing me, courts would probably take my side. Also, I don’t know where you fucking live but in most places spraying someone with a liquid which is nothing more than something you’d find in soap in a bathroom on a shirt but you don’t get dubbed ‘crazy’ or sent to juvy. You are literally told to grow the fuck up and not to do it again but the person who owns the sanitiser might be a bit pissed at you for wasting it.
      What seems traumatic? If you mean the past few years, then shut up there because seriously. People are traumatised in some way by bipolar or any mental illness and people can be traumatised by anything. If the trauma is coming from the sex talk thing. Well… I know when I’m older it won’t seem so traumatic. It was just a joke. I mean course no kid wants the sex talk at 17 in front of doctors but it’s not all that traumatising.
      As for pregnancy, I know no one is making me get pregnant or no one can stop me having sex and it’s my choice, woman’s right to choose etc. But I wasn’t really saying anything about pregnancy… I just… I guess the joke was just lost on you. Take care…

      • Little girl. I responded respectfully to you. Sorry you do not have it in you to respond respectfully to me. You missed my whole point. Sorry you’re such a spoiled brat. You’ve got a lot to learn. The path you pave for your self is filled with self destruction.

        Reread my post and try to comprehend. I was comparing what it used to be like to they way it is now. Sorry you aren’t as bright as I thought you were.

        It was not a slam on you or meant to put you down in any way but you took it as such. That’s your problem and your choice and not mine. Continue on your merry journey and have it your way. Once you hit bottom then maybe you’ll understand.

        One more thing darling, if you choose get to get ugly and be disrespectful with me for no apparent reason again I’d advise you to think about it first.

        Take care

        • … Little girl. That’s patronising as fuck and the fact you think you need to patronise a kid seems to say that you also aren’t mature enough.
          No you didn’t respond respectfully. It was a lecture that didn’t even make sense.
          A SPOILED BRAT?! How am I spoiled brat? By my blog, everyone knows I am poor. Call me a brat but how the fuck can you call me a spoiled one? And if I missed your point, as the responsible adult you claim to be you should explain your point in simpler terms. Also, anyone could tell you I pave my own self destruction… hence the phrase ‘self’ at the fucking beginning. Whether I am self destructing… sort of not your business since you don’t even give a fuck.

          Honey, I’ve hit rock bottom several times and you can give me the “you’re too young to hit rock bottom” stick but you don’t know my life.
          Not being disrespect, well I was in response to you being disrepectful. If you want to continue this further, email me. My email address is on my blog because I’m not subjecting my followers to your cruelty and judgemental attitude.

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