Happy New Year

Happy 2014! Are you ready for it?
Any new years resolutions? I have the obvious ones. Lose weight which like most people will have been permanently broken by February. I dyed my hair on 1st of Jan, it’s blonde and in some places ginger and in some places were the dye has missed, brown. I will cover them up when I have to dye my roots. I plan to stay blonde until at least March. I changed my theme on tumblr which isn’t so much a big deal but it features a lot of my favourite avenger Black Widow played by the lovely ScarJo and I plan to buy the books featuring her origin soon which is all geeky stuff but I thought I would mention it. I don’t think I have any other resolutions because it’s hard to keep to anything when you go from “I’m shit” to “I’m amazing” more often than a 14 year old doing an algebra problem. On that scale of things, I’m at “I can’t think of anything other than my overpowering sex drive” which is causing massive frustration on my part. I now understand the term ‘sexually frustrated’.

My mood has been somewhat of a rollercoaster whilst at school it was low, very low, I can’t begin to describe how low and it started to rise in the last week and for the last two weeks it has been dipping and flying. I’ve gone from feeling brilliant, creative and like I could do anything and everything to feeling shit on a repeating cycle. I think what’s the hardest thing is I face this all by myself. My dad doesn’t understand and whilst I’m on speaking terms with my friends, we’re not that close any more. As for the medical professionals, my psychiatrist isn’t exactly about talking… he’s more about give me medication and finding the balance. My bipolar specialist – Miss D, she’s good but I just don’t trust her enough and it’s more a gut thing than based on any evidence. That’s an important thing I should point out, if you go to an appointment with someone and in the first appointment you don’t trust them, like have a gut feeling that you don’t trust them, you’re never going to trust them. There will always be a tugging feeling and if this past year has taught me anything it’s that I have to start putting my gut before my head a few more times. I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt so much because if people hurt you once, they’ll hurt you again more often than not. Which sounds rather negative for the mood I’m feeling but to be honest, I just feel very spiritual and euphoric more than anything.

So what am I looking forward to in 2014.

The end of hiatuses for my TV seasons. The decision I’ll have to face of whether A2 levels will be the way I want to go. Being able to decide if I want medication or not. I think that’s it. Surprisingly depressing. But I won’t let it get me down for now.

I have my next appointment with bipolar specialist tomorrow and I bet she’ll have a lot to say about my blonde hair.

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