I know, a Fall Out Boy song as well as appropriate as it is Christmas.
It’s been a month since I wrote a blog and it’s bad that I did that but it’s been a LOong month..
I’ve been suffering with depression a lot and it’s been awful. It’s a fight just to get out of bed, it’s a fight to go into school and every free period when I don’t have the distraction of class, which for me is what it is, a tedious distraction, I feel like killing myself. All my friends have stopped talking to me, stopped caring and at first that just made the spiral of depression worse but I think it’s half a relief now because at first I thought “okay, it’s me. Is there anything I can do?” Well the answer was yes. Talk to them. It’s simple thing to say. A three syllable sentence. But doing it is so much difficult. But I bucked up the courage and I did it. I texted JLS and I told her how I felt and initially she said a lot about how we’re best friends, she loves me and never wants to lose me. So I asked her if we can hang out the day at lunch. I never saw her at lunch or the next day or the next day. She was in school and in my lessons but she just didn’t reply to the texts. I took a different tac with SK because I didn’t know if her phone was on or if she’d lost it or something. So I asked mutual friends (well acquaintance for me) and she said SK hadn’t told her anything. A few days later I received a text which hinted at the fact the mutual friend had said something and SK said we were fine and we talk in form but that’s it. In my opinion she gets quite annoyed with me at lunches at stuff.
As for the rest of school, I’ve had every Thursday and Friday off for the past few weeks because by the end of the week I haven’t got the will power or physical strength to go into school. I would say I care about my grades suffering but it’d be a lie. I’ve been too depressed to care about anything other than making it through each day without downing a bunch of painkillers. Well a lethal quantity. I’ve been taking a lot of codeine recently, about 9 pills a go because it makes me drowsy and a bit senseless which, when you’re feeling as bad as I do is perfect. It’ll be argued an addiction but I know I can stop anytime I like. Anyway, it’s also hard to care about school when I don’t see anyone else caring about it. My dad cares but I need more than a parent’s concern. My English teacher couldn’t even be bothered to mark my late-ish piece of coursework but marked the other late pieces of coursework. I looked at my novel opening later and thought “this may be good for internet standard but this isn’t brilliant for A level standards” so why should I even bother if my teachers don’t care?
It’s sort of ironic though, the only ‘teacher’ who gives me any encouragement or constructive criticism is my driving instructor and because usually my teachers are so apathetic to me, it’s hard for me to take either positive or negative criticism so I can end up in tears over doing anything the slightest bit wrong whilst driving. I even wanted to quit but I’ve talked to myself recently and told myself to grow up and do it. I mean, I haven’t got an excuse for feeling apathetic towards her. She cares enough to tell the truth and scrutinise what I do and in a way, that’s all I want.
Another eventful this is a situation with my school. Feeling so low, I felt I needed help so I got my bp specialist to go into school. But here’s where is gets eventful. I saw my bipolar and psychosis specialist on a Friday and she was supposed to get in contact with Mr Martin my sixth form head but neither one got in contact with eachother till Wednesday or Thursday of the week before and the appointment was in my frees on Thursday… Neither one checked if I was at school. I wasn’t by the way. I was at home and they were phoning my dad and he didn’t want to give my number because I hate doing important conversations over the phone. So the appointment was re-arranged for next Thursday. I ended up cancelling it. Here’s why. I wanted to quit law but if I do that, I’m no longer in full time education and benefits would stop and we’re on the edge as it is. We are currently at the point of can safely afford a weeks shop but can’t afford a new pair of jeans. I mean I wouldn’t be getting driving lessons if it wasn’t for my older brother. Anyway, they wanted to discuss things like smaller rooms for exams “due to panic attacks” and upping my A level grades because of illness. Nonononono. I don’t have panic attacks much anymore and I’ve never had one in an exam and I’m actually not too happy with my grades being pushed up. I want to earn my grades or what’s the point in even going to school? But it didn’t matter a letter has already been written so now I have to go talk to Mr Martin on Monday after Christmas holidays. But he’s such a patronising fuck. When I told him the appointment had been cancelled he had the most patronising tone, I got so rallied up, I stormed off calling him a patronising wanker as I did. It was probably childish but I’m really sick of being fucked over by people like that.
Anyway, happier topic. CHRISTMAS. It is 2 days away (my time anyway). What are you doing?
What are you getting for Christmas?
I have to pick, I can’t decide Animal Crossing, collectible dolls and this paint. But since the manic episodes don’t reach capacity, I don’t see the point in the paints. Speaking of which, bp nurse said she’ll talk to pdoc about putting me on lithium. Hard core salts…
For my younger brother I bought Supernatural Season 1, Thor and Toblerone. I ordered Iron man 3 but it never arrived, so I ordered it again last week and it still hasn’t arrived. Post is slow but it’s not that slow but I just think near to Christmas, it’s awful practice. I got my dad Country Life Season 1 (I think it might just be a British show), Josey Wales (a western) and a nut cadbury bar. That’s all I got originally but then plans were made to go down to my older brothers over Christmas which we’ve never done before and which I’m not a fan of because I need to sleep in my own space in case of an episode of mania or vivid nightmares. It just doesn’t work when I sleep at someone else’s. But anyway, my dad said I didn’t need to get him a present because he wouldn’t really be expecting anything. But I said no. When you spend Christmas at someone’s house, you can’t sit there opening presents and they have nothing. So I got him a small-ish lava lamp because I remembered he had one when I was younger and a toblerone because I didn’t know what chocolate he likes but he has a tendency to steal my younger brothers so to save that, toblerone it is.
Since school let out, I’ve felt less depressed. I talk to EC everyday and spend time in bed. Depression is more gentle with me than it has been the last 6-7 weeks. Just 6 months until end of year 12. What are your Christmas plans?