Bargaining. A tricky little thing. We do it a lot. “I’ll work out for 20 minutes and then have a piece of chocolate”, “I’ll sleep for 5 more minutes then I’ll get up.” Some of it is so easy to bargain but some of it is not. My recent bargaining was that “I’ll just have Wednesday off school but go back Thursday”, I didn’t go back Thursday but I have to go back Friday which fills me full of anxiety because I didn’t hand in the work on Monday which I then forgot on Tuesday and I was off Wednesday and Thursday so it’s very late. So sometimes bargaining can cause problems in the long run.
I went to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. He upped the carbamzepine to 600mg and I talked about how I hated school, how I had nobody there as a friend and how I was struggling with work. My psychiatrist then went on a long speech about having a month off again. I want to make a point that I never mentioned time off because my dad would not be happy with that and I have one more year until I go “okay, this is how I want my school life” I can’t decide what we call each day or when the lessons I’m signed up for happen but I will be the one deciding what lessons I have. I’m not going to fill myself with anxiety each day just to make people happy. I’ll be allowed to leave school by law but I’m choosing to stay so you should help me not be filled with anxiety. Anyway, psychiatrist. Long speech about month off school. Then he tells me that he’s not going to give me the month off school because I will apparently “become more depressed” – well firstly, I didn’t want time off. Secondly, don’t decide what emotion I will or will not feel. I’m not a child and bipolar isn’t exactly predictable so shut up like you know what’s going to happen.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. University is not for me. But evening class, distance courses. Things that aren’t heavy duty and leaves time for other things. It’s cheaper and slower to keep the stress off. Again, another type of bargaining.
And a bargaining that is probably more relateable at this time of year. Bargaining concerning money, trying to get the best deals for Christmas. It’s difficult to know what to get your family at this type of year. I’m getting my brother: Thor DVD, Iron Man 3 DVD and Supernatural season 1 DVD. I’m getting this girl whom I know purely through the internet: a book to do with her favourite disney character Eeyore, some bathy type things and my dad? Well my dad continues to remain a hard man to buy presents for.