Today was okay. Yesterday was okay. I don’t know how longer I can tolerate the word ‘okay’ any more. “I’m okay”, “I’m fine”, “okay” I say when I don’t really understand what you’re saying. I’m not okay, I’m really depressed. I had my longest manic episode recently and the fall was so. damn. hard. How much longer am I supposed to ride this rollercoaster? Do I get a picture at the end? A mug with the picture on? Anything?
I go through periods of hating my medication and well… no that’s it. I go through periods of hating my medication and then hating it a little less. Sometimes because it sucks mania away and keeps depression. Sometimes because of the side effects. Sometimes just the connotations of taking medications, the reputation I develop if people find out. I’m on carbamzepine, that’s my poison this month. It’s not at therapeutic dose. Now a definite side effect is upset stomach, I’m also getting chills but I don’t know whether that’s this freaking cold weather or the medication. I also recently ‘sprained’ my neck. I put ‘sprained’ in inverted commas because I didn’t believe I sprained it because I have swollen glands in my neck and now my jaw feels out of place and it hurts when the jaw stretches… and my neck still hurts. I even had to miss my driving lesson last week.
But I had it this week and it’s the same problem over and over. Adrenaline those most helpful and hindering of chemicals. I grip the wheel too tight because I think something bad is going to happen, adrenaline releases and I am short of panic. I also have trouble with left and rights and my driving instructor asked if I had mild dyslexia and asked me how I was at school and it’s unfair to base anything of recent schooling because I’m failing but not for dyslexic reasons, depression reasons. Bipolar reasons. But out of curiosity I looked up the symptoms for mild dyslexia and I have some of them but I bet we all do. Zoning out and day dreaming? Illegible handwriting? Problems with maths and algebra? Being able to process acoustically but not written? Skipping lines in a book or having to re-read? Problems with left and right? I do all these things but that doesn’t mean dyslexia. My brother was tested for it when he was younger but he caught up and was said to not have it. I’ll mention it to my therapist (who even after several promises to quit I still haven’t) just because better safe than sorry.
I spent the only lesson I had today reading wordpress blogs but I couldn’t log onto my account so I couldn’t like or follow anyone. I’ve spent my days pretty much alone. Call it depression. Call it growing up. But I’ve realised how awful people can be. I’m basically friends with two people. JLS and SK, SK found a new group of friends when I left with JLS, I mean she had before that. I would never just leave someone. But now I can’t re-enter that group, which I get. I made that social decision. But JLS and I is a whole other story. We started hanging out with year 13, they are JLS’ friends. Eventually she didn’t even want me around. No texts when I wasn’t there, not even to check I was okay. On Wednesday for example I texted her at 7:30am to see if she was coming in since it’s her morning off, she said she was. I texted her once in school to meet me in the corner of sixth form since no one was there. No reply. She came at about 9:30-9:45 (she was supposed to meet me at 8:50am) with a boy nicknamed ‘Crouchy’ and said they were waiting in another part of school for NB and BOTH were texting him, if they were texting then JLS saw my texts and just chose to ignore them until suitable amount of time had gone past that NB wasn’t coming in till later. I’m an after thought, which I don’t mind necessarily. Just all the time?
EC, a girl I met on tumblr who went to the same psychiatric hospital at me but not at the same time who found me through a tumblr post, after long personal conversations is also ignoring me. Am I really that awful? I mean logically that doesn’t make sense but maybe it’s just depression warping this sense of paranoia. Maybe EC has a legitimate reason for ignoring messages I can see she has read. Maybe JLS really didn’t see my text. Maybe depression has taken off the glasses that makes bullshit hard to see.
So it shouldn’t be a surprise when old and new bad self destructive habits appear. Miss D says I like to self criticise and like to engage in self destructive behaviours. It used to be food. But now it’s self harm, drugs, drink and nasty bouts of kleptomania. My dad knows about one out of four, I’ll let you be the judge of which one.
We’ve got to decide university soon, whether we’re going, which one we’re going to, go to open days. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go. Not that anyone supports that decision.
I don’t see how these are the best years, all I’m seeing is self hatred, drugs and frienemies, that’s in no way good.