My computer hates me.

It broke down again. I mean it was my fault but I still maintain it leaped off my bed itself in a kamikaze mission for a rest. I dropped my computer with the charger in and it broke the pin off inside the bit where the charger plugs into the laptop. So into the computer shop it went and well, £120 later I have more problems than before. Yes it’s working but the idiots took the hard drive out WHEN THEY DIDN’T NEED TO and put it into an old crappy computer. My charger is now not recognised by my computer and I am currently stuck with this damn thing:

Screenshotand do you know what this means? It means it’s plugged in but not charging so my charger comes out slightly it is off. Straight away. My battery was crappy before but at least it held 5 minutes worth of charge. My computer is slower now and I swear it’s because they touched my hard drive. But the worst thing is that the charger is not even straight meaning the bar was not soldered on properly and for £120 you’d want it to be on properly. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway.

Moods have been up and down. Predominantly up, well… manic. But I’m down now and the trigger for this fucking depressive episode?! Therapy. EMD-fucking-R. I didn’t see her in 2 weeks, and before that I didn’t see her for 3 weeks and I find consistency works better for me. I mean I have got it now as I have an appointment every Friday from now on but I don’t really want to as it’s the most triggering thing in my life at the moment. We talk and she asks me the same questions every time and I think it’s because she doesn’t remember and I can’t handle much more of it. I know I agreed to Compassion Focused Therapy or whatever but it’s so detrimental to my mental health, I am really considering stopping.

My manic episode went the same way all manic episodes do. Everyone is glad for the first few days then as I stop sleeping and the grandiose attitude creeps in and the excessive amount of tasks are undertaken and money spent, tempers flare and of course I don’t understand why people are angry because I’m too euphoric and that leads to anger and that leads to arguments which due to my manic goldfish attention span, I walk out. I think a period of normality would have been nice because I don’t think I can handle depression.

This may be a good thing though. Why? Well my half siblings mum died a few days ago and I am going down to see them today (Sunday) and I don’t think me with a lot of energy is the best thing for mourning people. So in terms of that it is good but for me it’s awful.

I went town today though. I needed some skinny jeans and a new bath washy thingy so I went with JLS and RH who used to date so it was awkward. RH didn’t say much and said a lot of depressive comments which JLS told me was just his way to get attention, which is why I didn’t want to show too much compassion. I tried to show some over text when I got home but he ignored me. JLS forgot my psychology book even though I asked her to bring it and I wouldn’t mind but I have psychology homework that is supposed to be done inside that booklet for Monday, first lesson. This is honestly why I hate helping people. People let you down and you shouldn’t rely on anyone to do anything for you even though you do everything right for them.

I started carbamazepine at 100 mg and no mood effects though I’ve experienced a lot of pain in my legs ever since I started taking it. I haven’t looked up the side effects because I don’t care. It also makes me feel sick a lot so that sucks but it’s the prize you pay to be asked at every fluctuation in mood if you’ve taken your meds. I mean, have you? Today? Have you eaten? Have you had a shower? Have you done what others want you to do because whilst you feel fine if you don’t they’ll worry you’re off your meds? Because I have and I totally regret them. I know it was just a shower here or a biscuit there but seriously, how long are we going to let our behaviour be dictated by wanting to not seem mentally unwell so we don’t worry our families? I’m taking a stand right here. Right now. Who’s with me?

 

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