I’ve had my computer back since Friday and I’m not going to lie, it’s been one long honeymoon since we were brought back together. I haven’t lost too much of my saved stuff but somehow managed to find 19GB of data and what seemed to be deleted was saved passwords and stuff like that – cache, cookies etc. Since having my laptop back I have just made sure my social outlets have not suffered in my absence. I went to wordpress but could not log in due to the cache being deleted or whatever but its working now so that’s all that matters.
Since I last wrote my dose of 1500mg has taken effect and well I have more hair loss and pain in my scalp but sometimes I get scalp pain from migraines which I have also had a lot of recently and they are not the “mere headache type” they are the “debilitating, go blind, lie in a dark room and experience vampire behaviour” type migraines. My tremors are worse as that they radiate into my arm now and sometimes I get these chills even in the hottest rooms and my teeth start chattering. I’m tired and lethargic and to quote my very lovely friend – “You look like hell”. Apparently since the dose has been upped, I’m more ‘zombified’ and he wants to talk that over with the psychiatrist and by he I mean my dad. My concentration and memory are still bad. Memory is obviously demonstrated as worse because it can be proven through recall and such but concentration is harder since people can be concentrating even when they look like they’re not but for example of how bad my memory is twice today has someone told me to do something and I have listened and replied like I was listening but forgot to help and several times a day a find myself walking somewhere or doing something and thing “wait, why am I doing this?” – I later remember why and I know people have bouts of this but EVERY. DAY. It drives me to be terribly frustrated a lot which doesn’t help with how I’m feeling.
School… Well I’d like to say it’s being as good as it can be and that it’s all going well as it can be but I can’t. Psychology is going well, I got 9/12 on my test but one question was confusing so whatever;). In law, I passed criminal law, failed civil law. English… well there was no test and biology I got like 7 out of 30 when everyone else got like 24 – imagine the boost to my confidence that had. I was told by friends and a teacher that there was this lady I could talk to if I was overwhelmed or stressed about subjects so I went to her. She said she’d email my teachers which I was apprehensive about at first like “excuse me I dont exactly want it broadcasted” but I thought it was going to do some good. I hadn’t heard from her in 3 days after that so I went to see her and she told me:
Psychology thought I was doing well. That’s it. I’m doing well. Well I agreed with that because I said my problem wasn’t psychology.
Law – no email (??????) I don’t know why.
English – Something about me needing to talk more in class and ask for help but yeah, I mean I wasn’t expecting much else.
Biology – Good but she needs to do work outside of lessons. Well I do. That’s part of the problem, I do but I don’t get any further forward so I might as well not do it and save myself time doing it and the teacher time, marking it. Or save everyone time and drop the course like the woman said I could when I went to her.
Also I do Classics and Civilisations as an A level so that can be my make up A level. She said to me that “if I didn’t do so well in one A level I’d have bio to fall back on” well avoiding the obvious biology is my worst subject and the fact I’d need a subject to fall back on. Why do I need a subject to fall back on? Like at all? For university I guess…
At this point Iooked down, I was shocked at what I found.
You know what I found?
I wasn’t wearing my “I’m going to university” t-shirt. So I’m just wondering what made her think university was my end game.
I still haven’t decided on which way I’m falling and I know how wrong that is since I only have about 6 months to decide whether I want to and research on the 3 (or 5) universities I want to list as the ones I want to go to or am thinking of going to and then I apply then some other stuff happens. I don’t know. But the main point is I’m not ready.
You know, some days, I wish I wasn’t such a giant baby and left the mental hospital when I did and just held on and got the proper support I needed without being forced into the stresses of everyday life straight after leaving the room essentially undoing a lot of their good work.
On the bright side, teachers are striking over pensions or wages or something so we have a day off tomorrow which is good because lie in (considering I fall asleep at 5am but want to sleep to 8-9am) but also good because I can catch up on work.
How are YOU all?