I have just finished my first week of school and I don’t know whether it’s just because I am getting back into a formal environment or the attempt to get back into the swing of things or the increase in intensity of subject matter or homework but I just have not been having a good week.
Due to the high levels of stress I was in a manic episode for most of last week and have come close several times to having panic attacks over homework and crowds and I have probably cried more over the past week than I did all summer so things are getting harder again.
You know that feeling where you know you’re going to burn out, it hasn’t quite happened but it’s close. You’re very emotionally sensitive – prone to outbursts of anger and periods of crying – I feel very much like frayed wire. The problem I find though is I can’t tell anyone because there will be ramifications as this is no longer forced education. My teachers could decide they don’t want an underachieving kid on their course and the psychiatrist could decide that I’d need to go back to the psychiatric place as they have a more specific teaching program and the medication is no longer having a full effect any more and I know the raining reaction is that it’s impossible for it to just stop working but I think the hormones and the stress is taking over and soon my body will just stop responding to the meds because I can feel it. Every day I feel slightly more on edge. I’ve been feeling more depressed. My manic episodes have been more higher. I’ve even being feeling suicidal when manic. It’s an awful turn of events but it makes me want to stop all functioning and stay in bed. I just feel so weak and powerless which is why, until I have even one rock bottom day I am going to keep my mouth shut. But I have another 29 days of school left and I have to go to every single one of them. If anyone EVER tries to tell you that bipolar recovery is a straight line with a positive correlation punch them in the face just to show them how they are wrong. What’s that old Shakespeare saying? Check yourself before you wreck yourself? Yes. That is the saying and one I think more people need to abide by it.
As for side effects, my hair is still coming out in chunks. If it wasn’t utterly gross I would have shown you what came out of my skull when I lightly combed hair that had already been combined an hour ago. My memory is bad, we did this test in psychology and to cut a long story short everyone scored at least above 25 in how many words they remembered, I remembered 16. So I’d say still not brilliantly. Concentration, well I’d say that my main source of frustration is that my concentration is awful. I manage about my first two lessons but then it’s me against a 200mph gail force wind after that, I’m forcing myself to keep going but I’m fighting a losing battle because ultimately I will lose my grip and fall and the wind will blow me away to the shore. Those are the Holy Trinity of side effects for me as it were. There isn’t anything else I necessarily attribute to sodium valproate that couldn’t just be caused by something else. Well… weight gain I suppose but aside from being a self esteem lower, it isn’t something I couldn’t fix with a little bit of effort.
Lessons, well the content is interesting sort of. The part of biology with cell measuring is boring but the dieases part is fun. Psychology is fun but demanding work load with three separate parts – attachment which is a part of developmental psychology; memory as apart of cognitive psychology and research methods as a part of… well research methods I guess. Law is split into civil and criminal and as much as it is interesting it is hard especially as my damn teachers gave out separate research projects. Then English language which has it’s good and bad days so that’s good.
Also, to add one final fact to this… this is as good as it will get. As the year progresses things like Enrichments will be added and driving lessons and getting a job *starts having another panic attack*
Seriously though, how do people with bipolar actually go onto live successful lives? And I ask this as sincerely and as sweetly as possible because there is no way in Hell I think I can even manage one more week let alone 2 more years. So seriously… how does anyone do it?
PS. It’s National Suicide Prevention Week.