So as you know the medication is making me have more nightmares. Now if the nightmare is reasonably mundane like a school thing or based on embarrassment then I wake anxious but that’ll filter out and it’ll eventually come down to a ‘meh’ based reaction. Then there are the scarier ones which involve my mother usually and being trapped, not being able to escape, in the worser ones physical violence. I will wake up anxious and contemplating whether to give up the medication but the stress filters out because I don’t see her and it’s all in the past and it’s slightly exaggerated in terms of that I felt trapped emotionally, physically I could leave. I’ve been reading up on it, Freud has all these theories. Basically that’s just the embodiment of my fears. Then there is the flashback one which has always been the same and evokes a stronger response than the ones my mother nightmares do but again out of that situation, never to be seen again.
Yesterday was different. It was a rape dream but different setting and different guy, which if I didn’t know the guy would have been less scary but I knew the guy. Just to avoid naming names, I won’t say who it is or the relation to me but I see the guy a lot and so I’ve been pretty freaked out and scared around him and it was basically a rape-chase-stalker scene type thing but now I can’t deal with even looking at him and he hasn’t done anything ever. I don’t know where it came from if we believe Freud and that it’s a manifestation of fears.
So I basically thought to myself, what the fuck is this medication actually giving me? So I made a list.
- Stops the impulsiveness
- I can concentrate better at school
- I won’t have people telling me I have ADD
- Stops reckless behaviour
- Sleep more
- Controls mania
- Makes dad happy
- Doesn’t control depression really
- Sleep more so more nightmares
- Stunting my creativity
- Anxiety is closer to the surface
- Gained weight
- Low blood pressure = dizziness etc
- Makes me unhappy
I could go on but there is not a lot of point seeing as the Cons of taking the medication win out every time. Usually I don’t mind so much. I wake up and consider stopping the medication but it makes my dad happy. I’d call someone but Miss D is on holiday and Mr pdocman is… busy idk. I’m sure he has some brilliant explanation as to why I have to wait another 3 weeks for an appointment. I also forgot it was my brother’s birthday – I used to be brilliant at remembering and planning for it – on the 8th so that should be fun.