I haven’t been out in a long time with friends, definitely over a year. But I went out yesterday with JLS to town and it was just a walk round the shops and stuff and despite my tired feet, it was good. I probably would have gone whatever mood I am in because I felt guilty about not going and cancelling all the other times and I really had no excuse considering it was the holiday. But it was fun. Then I went out to JLS’ house and her mum dyed my hair permanently red and it does look good and it is a brighter shade than the last time I dyed (albeit semi-permanently) my hair. JLS also practised make-up doing on me and I played with her animals (a week old kitten, 3-4 cats though I think there was more and a lizard). JLS then invited me to an under 18 club night and sleepover with LC and Mel whom I don’t know. It sounds like a good idea but I don’t think I could based on the anxiety more than anything. Anxiety from crowds, guys, being out at night etc. I could go on but I feel gulity because if I don’t go with her then it seems like I was only going out with her yesterday because I was getting something out of it (getting my hair dyed) which I wasn’t. I’m probably just over thinking it. I’m still deciding whether I should go or not.
As for the tablets, I think it’s controlling my manic symptoms which is good but not so much the depressive symptoms. The big thing I’m dealing with that doesn’t help with the depression is I can’t access my creativity or concentration or memory as well as the dissociation due to the nightmares because of the fact I sleep more. I sort of sway to not take it, it depends what I’m doing whenever I have to write, draw, paint or anything creative I get frustrated because I can’t access it. But then I think that I can make a less dentrimental decision when I am 18 years old so that is intially my plan but it depends on how difficult the next two years for A levels. In some ways several weeks of intense dedication then forever of passiveness. If that makes any sense, which is probably doesn’t because I can’t even focus on thoughts for very long at the moment. Maybe it’ll even out before school, who knows? I’ll talk to the psychiatrist about it tomorrow.