Red hair and first outings

I haven’t been out in a long time with friends, definitely over a year. But I went out yesterday with JLS to town and it was just a walk round the shops and stuff and despite my tired feet, it was good. I probably would have gone whatever mood I am in because I felt guilty about not going and cancelling all the other times and I really had no excuse considering it was the holiday. But it was fun. Then I went out to JLS’ house and her mum dyed my hair permanently red and it does look good and it is a brighter shade than the last time I dyed (albeit semi-permanently) my hair. JLS also practised make-up doing on me and I played with her animals (a week old kitten, 3-4 cats though I think there was more and a lizard). JLS then invited me to an under 18 club night and sleepover with LC and Mel whom I don’t know. It sounds like a good idea but I don’t think I could based on the anxiety more than anything. Anxiety from crowds, guys, being out at night etc. I could go on but I feel gulity because if I don’t go with her then it seems like I was only going out with her yesterday because I was getting something out of it (getting my hair dyed) which I wasn’t. I’m probably just over thinking it. I’m still deciding whether I should go or not.

As for the tablets, I think it’s controlling my manic symptoms which is good but not so much the depressive symptoms. The big thing I’m dealing with that doesn’t help with the depression is I can’t access my creativity or concentration or memory as well as the dissociation due to the nightmares because of the fact I sleep more. I sort of sway to not take it, it depends what I’m doing whenever I have to write, draw, paint or anything creative I get frustrated because I can’t access it. But then I think that I can make a less dentrimental decision when I am 18 years old so that is intially my plan but it depends on how difficult the next two years for A levels. In some ways several weeks of intense dedication then forever of passiveness. If that makes any sense, which is probably doesn’t because I can’t even focus on thoughts for very long at the moment. Maybe it’ll even out before school, who knows? I’ll talk to the psychiatrist about it tomorrow.


2 thoughts on “Red hair and first outings

  1. I think it is a win that you went to JLS’s in the first place nod nods. Whether you go to the under 18 thing later…if you go, then that is good. If you don’t…that IS NOT bad ok.

    I am glad you are still seeing the psychiatrist too.


    • It is but it was more a guilt thing then a mood thing. I’d like to get to the point one day where I would instigate the outing.
      Thank you, I don’t think I’ll end up going because too much anxiety tbh.

      Was I stopping seeing the psychiatrist ? :O


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