I’ll admit it. I argued at some point during the week with my dad because I wanted to stop treatment. I mean at first it was just this gut instinct. But I thought about it and I realised my problems with the whole thing. Firstly, I had nightmares and they were driving me crazy because it caused dissociation once I woke up, a lasting feeling of panic and yada yada yada but I am seriously worried that one day my heart won’t be able to take the panic and be too overworked and I don’t exactly eat healthly and quit working, I dno. I feel it needs a holiday since it’s been beating fast (or hard idk) so it needs a break but it’s not like your kidney. Can’t exactly take it out and go “ok hart u stay der 4 a bit & rst” but you can with a kidney – keep that in mind. Secondly, the idea of recovery freaked me out. I know logically everyone thinks I should be psyked at the idea but it’s a frightening thing. This medication isn’t working, I want to stress that but it’s at 400mg and as of yet no real side effects except that I’m losing a tad more hair than usual but it’s only a tad. I feel as though if I was coached a little, it wouldn’t be so scary. I mean ruining your life and STAYING mentally ill is one thing but entering recovery but having your life remain in the ruins you left it in is so scary because YOU will have to rebuild it yourself, all the relationships you ruined, the schedules you broke, the exams you failed, the things you quit, the cleaning to get that depression smell out of your room and just renewing everything is so scary. I know how hard that will be and for a few days staying mentally unwell seemed easier than that.
I talked to people about it and whilst I didn’t explain myself as concisely as that, I got several different immediate reactions:
“YOU JUST WANT TO WALLOW”
… or ignoring me.
btw, that is not how you correctly approach someone who says that. You ask why in a calm manner. Press them for a reason and then talk through it with them because I swear to God if I get the cliche “i’m there for you” and you never actually help me when you know I need it or I have asked for it then I am going to kill someone because it drives me crazy.
But for the record, I talked to a friend about it and she said that I didn’t have to rebuild anything and I can just start from scratch if I want to and I can always stop the medication if I don’t like it but let’s just find a medication that works for future reference.
So since my dose was upped,. a few side effects:
- Mild stomach aches
- A tad more than usual of hair loss
- Eye floaters and just a lit bit of eye issues.
Current mood: depressed.
My dad says that I am being nicer, I am being nicer because I am not as stressed out because I get to hang in bed. Not because my depression is lifting. I don’t leave the bed unless I need the toliet. I have not left the house, well since Tuesday but that’s because I had EMDR. I haven’t got EMDR next week because I was supposed to see my pdoc but I’m seeing him the week after for a review so it seems like a waste of time and I could have had an EMDR appointment but I have not got the energy or the drive and I don’t care about it. I find I have to lie a lot in EMDR because it doesn’t actually help but then I feel bad for the Miss D because it’s like she’s just wasting her time. I just feel like I want to become the girl from the book ‘Speak’ and stop speaking – I know condradiction, right? But you should read it. It makes sense then.
I also ran out of medication last night so I took the one from the packet last night, but then find out there were two on the bread board but by the time my dad was giving me them at midday they were essentially smush (no other word, i’m sorry) and have you ever tried even slightly dissolved sodium valproate? Bitter as hell. So I missed half of last night’s dose, this mornings dose. But my chemist gave 5 days supply since he remembered giving them to my dad because they’re like friend or w/e. But my dad has to drop the prescription off. Gotta remember that if I ever get industrial strength painkillers… kidding. Sorta.
Can I just apologise if there are any spelling errors or mistakes because I’ve been very out of it attentionwise so I’ve been making a lot of them.