EMDR is a tiring process. I mean I haven’t even got onto the bad stuff yet. She showed me what she would do by processing a mild irritant in the past few days which was just people annoying me with incessant texting. Basically I had to rate it and it was a one, then it went up to a three – the EMDR made it worse and then back down to less than one and I’m just tired from that. THAT. I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to deal with the big stuff but the part of me thinks “hey do it now and then you can sleep”. I don’t know, I’ll have a think. I’m not ready to promise that I’ll deal with the big stuff next week or the week after because I was almost having a panic attack just doing that and I am completely strung out, emotionally and psychially (that is not spelt right, I’m just too tired to care).
I know a lot of people find the benefit after the first session but I don’t think I’m one of those people which is okay, sucky but okay because it’s gotta get worse before it gets better, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I also got a relaxtion tape which is sort of against what I believe in, like I don’t believe it works but I suppose everything has to have some evidence behind it. It’s just a lot of things that are meant to relax me, put me more on edge. I think it’s a hypervigilance thing. I feel myself relaxing, I feel I can’t react in time to danger so I don’t relax. Just constantly feeling on edge.
A friend who did it said I’ll be emotionally raw for the next few days and more sensitive, I’ll warn my dad because I have recently been getting triggered by the fact my dad tells me about all the injustice sexual assualt stories and the barrister who wants to lower the legal age for sex limit from 16 to 13. THIRTEEN! no. I know there are 13 year olds doing it anyway but it’s not legal and it shouldn’t be.
I haven’t been to school since Tuesday. So instead of having a day off a week, I’m going to school one day in a week. Which is messed up, I just am too strung out to do anything. It’s not the prozac, never the prozac (psst side effects so far is nausea which as side effects go isn’t that bad) it’s the mental illnesses, anxiety and insomnia that are stopping me. I am lucky in a sense because natural intelligence and the bits I did go in for and my grades last year mean that I will get the 5 C grades I need to get to A levels and the only grades I need to worry about is science with a B and maths with a C and yes this is pretty much me repeating myself over and over again but it’s probably just a reassurance to me that I can just get by.