It’s maddening. Prepare for a rant.
Name, address, yadayadyayada. It’s from November to April of this year, like a summary type thing.
“Diagnosis/Progress Summary: Paris Presented with 15 months history of severe sleep problems (initating and maintaining difficulties), mood swings, anxiety and panics particularly when in a crowded environment. She also has a difficulty in controlling her anger and this has affected her attendence at school. Paris has suffered from anxiety since 10 years old. Paris has difficulty in maintaining friendships.”
Okay. So let’s tackle this first. Meh, 15 months give or take. I’m not going to throw a hissy fit about that because they is when this particular bit of insomnia started. Yes mood swings. Yes to anxiety and it should be panic attacks. I don’t really think ‘panics’ is a suitable word but whatever. Now, hm. “difficulty in controlling her anger” – um. wut. I have such control over my anger Mr pdocman you don’t even know. If I didn’t I would have punched you in the fucking face ages ago! Also, it’s not the anger stopping me from going school. So CAN U NOT! It’s the depression, usually. The mania sometimes. My anger has never made me not go to school, okay. So I don’t know where the fuck he got that from? I have one little temper tantrum because it took a week to see someone about me OD’ing and you think that means I have anger problems. Jeezz, you won’t diagnose bipolar but you’ll slap me with an anger problem. Cheers. Anxiety from age 10. What? I mean I probably was anxious but no one told me when I was 10, I had anxiety problems. I swear to God! If someone does not tell me what the hell is going on I… I… am going to do nothing but passive aggressively rant because I don’t have anger problems. The whole friendship thing, what teenage girl doesn’t? So, yeah. Whatever again.
Then it is a section of Recommended Medication and it’s basically a list of failed medication except no mention of the risperidone failing and this was written on the 26/4/13 and I’m pretty sure I was off it by then.
“I have continued to see Paris in my clinic in order to assess her mood and with the recent overdose I have discussed the option of in-patient admission for further assessment of mood and risk”
And I took you up on your offer of in-patient and I HAD ALREADY LEFT BY THE TIME YOU WROTE THIS LETTER SO… ugh!
Risk assessment (I really loved this):
“Paris has a long history of anxiety, low self esteem and difficulty in controlling her temper and mood swings. Paris is a sensitive person who takes things personally. Paris has talked about wanting to die, but concern for her family has prevented attempted suicide. However Paris admitted to taking diazepam tablets on 17th March 2013 and the triggers of which are unclear. Further assessment in an inpatient unit would help us in further management”
Dude… Dude… Dude.. this is the last time I will say this. I went to a fucking impatient unit and YOU. WERE. USELESS. Okay, temper thing is back. Is my temper that bad? Like I know I rant a lot and moan and swear and present anger but a lot of that is passive agressive and sarcastic so is it just me? Is my temper so terrible?
You see… I don’t know what to say about the whole “takes things personally” thing because I AM writing a blog about what I have got pissed off about in his letter. I am offended by the comment but can’t I really take it up that far considering this blog? Also. I am not sensitive. So. Shush.
Then just a crisis plan saying contact people. Um, no. I will go to friends and family not useless paid people.
Second Page: GP to Note.
First paragrah is an apology for writing late and the list of appointment dates which by April was one with a triage nurse and 5 in the space of 6 months.
Then some bullshit about sleeping and the fact I said I went to bed at 10pm to 11pm which is a lie because I told him between 1pm and 1am anyway. He basically got the waking times wrong and the times I went to bed wrong but hes going all the way back to like January 2012 so no wonder it’s wrong.
Then the next paragraph is about anxiety and mood swings. First thing to annoy me: “difficulty getting into crowded environments” – yes, me and the rest of the world. I’m not a big pusher. No, not a big fan of pushing people so I tend not to push people so yes I have difficulty getting into crowded environments but I hardly see how this is relevant.
He put “manic phase” in inverted sarcastic speech marks like that. I USE MANIC PHASE BECAUSE THE GP AND THE OTHER PSYCHIATRIST USED MANIC PHASE so don’t make out to be a fucking idiot for using it. Insulting. My low mood in April was last 4-5 weeks not 3 weeks, so well done for not listening. He also wrote how I hear voices but apparently “did not elaborate much on it” – ok. Lemme explain me. If you ask me a question about it, I will answer but I am not going to sit in a room guessing what you want to know. I’m not a mind reader. If you asked any questions I would answer but you didn’t so I figured you didn’t find it important. I dno, hallucinating is still all very new to me. I don’t know what you, you idiot, wanted to know.
“Paris has good appetite and concentration” – what? Are we in the same meeting? Because I don’t think we are too be honest. My appetite goes to near normal to not eating and my concentration is rarely ever good. I try and use the best of it in those meeting because I have been under the misguided notion that you, you twonk might be able to help me.
“she did not describe worthlessness or hopelessness” – I SWEAR WE ARE NOT IN THE SAME MEETINGS OMFG. So many times have I expressed hopelessness. I even quit treatment for a time, I was so hopeless. Also, I’m not going to describe how worthless I feel because I’m not going to trigger myself. I am one of those people who have the lowest self esteem and feel worthless but act elistist.
They also called my mother by my dad’s surname – I told him they never married. *sing songy voice* yoooouuu neeever listennn. Also “From the description it seems that Mrs [name redacted] suffered from depression and anxiety.”
I also said mood swings, so someone explain why that is not in there. I also don’t know whY THAT IS EVEN RELEVANT! But whatever, I’m sure you have your reasons but you again are wrong.
“On mental state examination Paris came across as an average built teenager who was dressed in casuals and offered variable eye contact. At times she would stare, but appeared mature for her age. She tends to talk in a loud volume. I have not witnessed any low or high mood. Her affect is reduced.”
Is average built offensive? Because I feel offended but, okay. Let that slide. What has my clothes got to do with it? I’ll come in a fucking suit next time. You know if I had the energy I would come in a suit to the next appointment and whisper just to be a sarcastic little asshole. I talk in a loud volume because I spent from ages like 6-13 partially deaf in one ear and my dad has hearing difficulties. So yes, I shout because that is what I trained myself to do. I am sorry if that annoys you, tell me and I will lower my voice. I am aware I have a tendency to do that but that is not a mood thing. That has always been someone couldn’t hear properly. Offered variable eye contact. I would look at you when you wrote because I wanted to know what you were writing, hence the staring. But thanks for making me look creepy. You have witnessed low mood so many times. I look down, avoid eye contact, only speak when spoken too and I spent the highish mood organising your toy box and YOU got pissed off at me. ARE WE EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM?! What the hell does affect is reduced mean?
In the next paragraph it’s pretty much okay, he talks about “chronic sleep deprivation” – finally something we agree on. I disagree with the diazepam having “no benefical effect” because it did calm down panic attacks but with sleep I agree. I think clarification is needed on the Sertraline making the “mood swings worse” but whatever, it sped the up so that is in a way making it worse. “I also discussed the option of a referral to the PIER team to seek a second opinion” – never did you discuss it with me. Never did I know it was a second opinion. You liar. “Paris believed she was suffering from bipolar affective disorder” – not believe as that implies I just self diagnosed. I was told by a GP AND a private psychiatrist that is was bipolar and granted they didn’t give me a type so in my mind it is Bipolar Disorder NOS because well, a private psychiatrist has said it and I still take his word over yours because as I have stated repeatedly, YOU DON’T LISTEN.
Now this isn’t wrong ( well a bit is), it’s just sort of funny. “Paris was very angry as she wasn’t taken seriously even after seeing her GP 3 times in a week. She refused to discuss anything about the overdose or her feelings. She was very angry and at one point even kicked the table and declared wanting to opt out of treatment”
Oh Lordy Lou! I kicked a table! Now that is obviously the work of some anger issued individual, well oh mai. Send me away. You’ve never asked about my feelings since so I don’t know why you write this, you obviously don’t care a great deal. The wrong this is that I saw two different GPs only once. I saw one on the Monday and one of the Thursday. Well I came back, so get over it Mr pdocman.
It ends with some other bullshit but meh, it’s neutral.
Now I am continuing with PIER, I felt heard. Respected. I felt I was given a fair choice, a fair explananation about the EMDR and just heard, you know? I feel like I got a bad bit of luck having Dr pdocman. I know I’m going to do the most ironic thing and get angry about it or be passive agressive and ask him whether there is a brick wall on staff I could talk to because I feel like I’d get more from it than talking to him and then chuck my highlighted copy of the letter where I highlighted everything wrong – I wasn’t allowed to highlight the whole thing.