Last Friday, I got angry at JLS for messing around in front of my history teacher and laughing before he’d even left. I consider myself laid back about embarassment via friends especially being friends with someone with ADHD tendencies or milder ADHD than her siblings but let’s just say she has ADHD for time saving purposes. So depressed and mad, I went to talk to SK about it because I needed to vent. I need to vent the little things. But she was talking to this boy from our high school who she supposedly hates which wouldn’t annoy me except when I went up to her before class I told her I was angry and when we got into class she asked me how I was and half way through started talking to HW. Also she yelled at me because I was getting frustrated because I couldn’t do the work. Don’t ask how I am if you’re going to interrupt me. When I got into the car I told my dad but he didn’t really care but I suppose he was preoccupied with his eyes and the fact there is a CHANCE he could go blind. But I spent all Friday and Saturday awfully depressed, so much in that depressive pain. But I felt better on Sunday until an argument with my dad happened.
Monday I was depressed and pissed off so I didn’t talk to anyone and it wasn’t until lunch I talked about it. I told them how hard I was and how it has gotten worse and how I felt they acted and ignored me. There were two reactions: JLS: ignored the fact she and SK didn’t get on, talked to me, made me feel understood, bought me a cookie. SK: Yelled at me for not telling her I felt so bad earlier, yelled at me over saying how often she does ignore me, told me she was leaving because JLS was there and in the middle of me telling her how I felt, walked off and sat down and that was it. No, “I’m leaving, will talk later”. No, “my legs hurt I need to sit down”. Just walked off. That’s when I realised, SK is useless. Least JLS has been trying over these past few days but SK has been in some weird mood with me and I don’t have the energy to figure out why when as far as I know I haven’t done anything wrong, she just walked off from me.
Depression has really hit it’s full swing these past few days and I have felt like doing nothing but sitting and being on the computer and occassionally watching cartoons. My mental agility is even worse and I get so frustrated by it. I hate sitting in class taking 40minutes to do things that would usually have taken my 15minutes. My example for today was the graph in science, I couldn’t have the number in my head and plot it because I would forget the number or not align it right and I was nearing tears and very frustrated. So SK, as she sits next to me asked what my problem was, I told her that I can’t do this and that I might as well give up, to which she answered “oh it’s only one thing”. My reply was “so in maths yesterday that was one thing? Physics last week, one thing?” and her answer “I wasn’t in maths”. I make one frustrated noise and I’m yelled at she got SR to do most of her work and she talked the whole way through, which made my work harder as I couldn’t concentrate. Why is depression so hard on just everything?
I hate the fact I feel so useless doing things I used to do reasonably well or even exceptionally well and now I can hardly do a simple multiplication sum without taking 10 minutes. I hate the fact the panic attacks are completely back since I stopped taking diazepam and just depression has got worse. Depression is a bitch.