I was sick on Thursday, like throwing up sick. I had a panic attack that morning and then an hour later I was throwing up. I have put it down to three things: high prolactin level, anxiety or coeliac disease which after a long battle with I am getting tested for it sometime this year. I am not looking forward to it but I will, probably a home test and then get it confirmed if it comes out positive. Usually I’m very curious and want to know everything but I like cake so risks versus the prize. I. Like. Cake. That’s it 🙂
Today, the flashbacks sensations and replays in my head, all day! I don’t know what triggered that but they were on and off, all day and it winds me up so much that this happens. I can never catch a break and no one cares when I tell them. I mean I used to think it was my own fault I got no sympathy or help as I never asked or told anyone anything but now I see, it was the smartest thing I could have fucking done because NO. ONE. CARES. The sooner you realise that, the sooner you’ll accept that all you have is yourself and your books and whatever else makes you feel better but it has to be inaminate objects but you will rarely find a person who truly cares and if you do, you won’t even be on the same time zone so it makes talking difficult because you have to pause because you’re at school and then they have to because they’re at school and sleeping is different and one of you may have insomnia, the other doesn’t and that has to be taken into account and by the end of it, you can never have a conversation.
So what do I do? Do I accept bipolar disorder and PTSD as my life and just slowly withdraw from a social life at least? Because the greatest things that have happened to me this past year have happened with you, my followers. With the people I meet online, opening me up to new experiences. Books which I can help give information on and my opinion and actually have it listened to. People who will listen. People who care. As much as this sounds pathetic and cliche for a teenager to say. No one I see in real life does care and I want to scream at that fact because they act like they do but everyone just has gotten bored. But I still have the stigma. I mean you really should have been in my sociology class. We were talking about crime and deviance and my teacher asked if there was any non sociological arguments for why people commit crime and psychological problems came up. NOW! I agree, kleptomania being the biggest one and thank fuck that was the first one said but people said schizophrenia. Now, I don’t have schizophrenia, I know people who do and from the bit of research I’ve done schizophrenia does not cause a person to shoplift. If they have kleptomania or are schizoaffective and have manic episodes, shoplifting maybe. But that is how ignornant people are and the little education about mental illness and don’t fucking preach to me equality when you advocate mental illness discrimination by not only pointing out by posters that bipolar people are more likely to go on drugs but by fueling the stereotype. Also, why bipolar posters? Statisitics suggest more students are likely to be depressed so that’d be more general. Or what about how teens are likely to try it so one directed at teens. Since we all are teens in this school. So get your act together.