Pain.

I woke up this morning with my legs very stiff and in a lot of pain, they wouldn’t even straighten properly. Now admittedly it’s my own fault as I did PE the day before. But I am in mixed episode now, which is awful. The comedown is awful! Just all awful. So now I have to clear up my manic mess. What manic mess you ask? Spending sprees and I can’t even explain it to my dad as I don’t want to deal with the anger. I haven’t been this bad at spending sprees on the internet for at least 4 manic episodes and personally I blame the medication for this. Yes, medication you are my scapegoat and considering how much pain you put me in, you owe me one and this is the one you owe me.

Each comedown is harder than the last. Which is why the periods of actually feeling ready to commit suicide are closer together and it’s just so frustrating. I mean at the moment it’s racing thoughts, I’m suicidal, paranoia, irritability and anger. I have this flight of ideas which I want to execute – baking and hama beads – but I feel so useless and bad. I want to make some of the hama bead ideas I have going on in my head but I feel like I’d screw up and I have no energy so what’s the point?

I also want this feeling of guilt to go away. I mean it’s self sabotaging. I do all these things in mania that make me feel worse when depressed e.g. fucking spending sprees. I have a LOT of dvds. I even bought some when manic. So that should distract me from depression and mixed a little. I feel very agitated right now and I don’t know what to do about it because it hurts to move. Though I can write a blog just about, it’s more my wrist than my fingers.

I’ve been watching Cartoons today; Foster’s home for imaginary friends and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. I still have Supernatural to watch as well as Who framed Roger Rabbit (which I FINALLY have on DVD), Red Riding Hood with Amanda Seyfried, Peter Pan (the real version), Hook, 10 things I hate about you, Letters to Juliet, The Breakfast Club, She’s the Man, Johny English, Foster’s Home for Imaginary friends season 1 vol 1 and Lemony Snicket’s a series of unfortunate events. That is not including the hama beads, books, CDs and real life tamagotchi’s I have ordered and that will arrive and then my dad will kill me because he won’t be understanding about this.

Also. If you’ve got to this point in my blog, a moment of silence for the people of Boston. Prayers be with them.

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