First day back

JLS wasn’t here so that rocked my confidence for the entire day. But I was just overall depressed and that place didn’t help. I mean anger did flare up sometimes but I was more depressed than anything and it completely sucked. It didn’t help that I wasn’t feeling very well (sore throat) and now I have accidentally stirred up so drama with two people, one who doesn’t even go to my school and the other who wasn’t even in. All because I had to constantly be texting so I could pretend I wasn’t there but it was still awful. I think I have found the perfect picture to describe what school in relation to mental illness is though:

tumblr_mk7d5ncSAY1r8i0r0o1_500So yes today was sucky. So when I got home I went to bed because I was also ill and ended up sleeping for a few hours but also having a nightmare so there was that. But I woke to texts and emails because as I have said before I caused drama and how did I cause drama? Well I was texting RH (JLS’ sort of exbf) because we’re friends and he asked why JLS was away, I lied because I knew why she was away. Family problems or something but I said “ill or tired. Maybe both.” and he went and asked her and she made it sound like he and I are together and well I was asleep so I couldn’t even put in my side of the story. But jeez! Why do things fall apart when I sleep?! But to be fair, that wasn’t at school.

It’s just, I have no friends there. Not really so I get depressed or I was going into mixed by the end of the day anyway. I hate being alone. I get flashbacks or just general depression around people. I feel worthless when I get my grades back and I’ve gone from 98% – A* on the exam last year to 46% – C on the trial exam for RE. I mean making me lose confidence in that is just another barrier in what this mental illness causes me and I really do hate it.

I don’t know what the deal with sleep clinic is, don’t know whether I’m going or not but have psychiatrist after school so wish me luck on that he should be putting me on an antipsychotic and I think the antipsychotic is risperdal. It definitely began with an R. But yes, that’s my day. Now I have to live it again tomorrow/today.

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