To Hell and Back.

There is something wrong with my shift button. I know, not the way you were expecting this blog to go. But it keeps sticking. Is getting a little better but still sticking a little.

So Hell or as it is more commonly known as ‘school’ – there is a reason I didn’t write about this yesterday and that is because I was interested to see how my body would react on it’s own before I wrote about it. Well, body did a splendid job of freaking out. Dissociative episode, nightmares and no energy so I didn’t even sit up in my bed until 6pm and didn’t get out until 7pm and that was to have a shower. I had planned to do some revision but alas body has other plans. So I know dissociative episodes are to keep me from a trauma hence why when my stress level goes up a dissociative episode is likely to happen. I can’t calm myself down ever. I am panicking. I haven’t been to school since the suicide attempt and I really don’t want to go back now. I mean none of them know and I really don’t plan on telling anyone because I can’t stand the hassle or the drama of telling anyone. I know that if I turned to my dad and said I can’t go to school, he’d try to convince me but let me have the day off which in terms of health is good (especially considering my throat is so sore, I swear I’m coming down with something) but here’s my problem (and please don’t tell me how ridiculous this sounds because I know): I want the day off and usually my dad will say “nope, school, just try, for me” but due to the fact he knows about the sexual assault and the self harm and how bad everything actually is for me, he will let me have the day off. I don’t want self harm or my past to change anything. If he genuinely thinks letting me have the day off is a reasonable idea then it’s cool. I suppose more than anything, I just wonder how often my dad thinks about it.

In other news, I have sleep clinic and psychiatrist on Tuesday. I am going to the psychiatrist. Sleep clinic, hmmm. I don’t know. I don’t see the point in it. Plus I’ve missed so many lessons of sociology, missing another for something there is no point in is ridiculous to me. But I’ll think about it.

Last night I watched some movies and tonight I going to watch Sucker Punch tonight, it has some mixed reviews so I’m weary but then again I don’t like some of the most beloved movies so my taste is different to the number of stars a movie has on IMBD but I’m looking forward to anything that makes me forget how useless I am and that tomorrow I have to go to the worst self esteem killer ever.


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